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Long story in a short form:

My husband of 4 years has been maintaining online relationships off and on for the duration of our marriage. I caught it first only 6 months in when he sent me a text forward with two other numbers attached that I did not recognize. I text the girls, found out that they were both talking to my husband, one of them cussed me out and said she did not care if we are married. The other did not believe me until I texted her a wedding picture.

About a year later I caught him again, he tried to make it out to not be a big deal. He is "smarter" about it now. Only blocked calls, or online activity with accounts I do not have access to. Well this week he accidentally forgot to log out of his facebook, and I discovered more messages between him and another female. They referenced their Skype convos, she refers to him as baby. The convos are far from PG.

Mind you he lost his job two years ago, and has not "been able" to find another job. He does not apply unless I push him to.

I feel crazy that I still care about him, and at times he makes me feel like he cares about me, he picks up the slack for a while, then goes right back to it. I am just so confused and lost. I am working two jobs to support our mortgage and car payments while he stays home and talks to girls and plays his play station. At nearly 40 it's pathetic.

How do I deal with this? What do you recommend.
 

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It really is pathetic. He's been playing the field while married to you right from the start. And now you're the adult in the relationship, taking all the responsibility. I would cut my losses & kick him out. Whatever threads of love you have will break at some point anyway, so why wait? Once he's gone, you'll feel a tremendous weight lifted, I bet.
 

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I was almost in the exact same situation with my exh ( he was 37), he was off having an EA while sitting at home unemployed for almost 2 years playing xbox and playstation, while i worked myself to death trying to pay the mortgage, cars, daycare... He wouldn't even apply for jobs unless i "nagged" him.

Long story short he is now '"ex" and is unhappy living a super crappy life ( oh and he is no longer with the ow) while im happy and my pretty good.

It took a lot for me to "let go" and let him be responsible for himself and not "save him", but in the end its was the best thing i could have done for MYSELF.
 

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It just seems so hard to walk away. I am normally a head strong person, but this has me feeling stuck. At 28, why is it that I am the responsible one? Is it possible to care and still do those things, or am I safe to say he does not care at all?
 

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I was almost in the exact same situation with my exh ( he was 37), he was off having an EA while sitting at home unemployed for almost 2 years playing xbox and playstation, while i worked myself to death trying to pay the mortgage, cars, daycare... He wouldn't even apply for jobs unless i "nagged" him.

Long story short he is now '"ex" and is unhappy living a super crappy life ( oh and he is no longer with the ow) while im happy and my pretty good.

It took a lot for me to "let go" and let him be responsible for himself and not "save him", but in the end its was the best thing i could have done for MYSELF.
I think I have been trying to save him from his downward spiral, I have no clue what he will do when I leave. He does not have a dime to his name... it's just so hard because I really love him and care about him.
 

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Do you have kids together? I really understand... I was so concerned on what would happen to him if he left..
 

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Long story in a short form:

My husband of 4 years has been maintaining online relationships off and on for the duration of our marriage. I caught it first only 6 months in when he sent me a text forward with two other numbers attached that I did not recognize. I text the girls, found out that they were both talking to my husband, one of them cussed me out and said she did not care if we are married. The other did not believe me until I texted her a wedding picture.

About a year later I caught him again, he tried to make it out to not be a big deal. He is "smarter" about it now. Only blocked calls, or online activity with accounts I do not have access to. Well this week he accidentally forgot to log out of his facebook, and I discovered more messages between him and another female. They referenced their Skype convos, she refers to him as baby. The convos are far from PG.

Mind you he lost his job two years ago, and has not "been able" to find another job. He does not apply unless I push him to.

I feel crazy that I still care about him, and at times he makes me feel like he cares about me, he picks up the slack for a while, then goes right back to it. I am just so confused and lost. I am working two jobs to support our mortgage and car payments while he stays home and talks to girls and plays his play station. At nearly 40 it's pathetic.

How do I deal with this? What do you recommend.
Sorry you are here.

You might want to do some research on serial cheaters and how in most cases they are difficult to fix.
 

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I think I have been trying to save him from his downward spiral, I have no clue what he will do when I leave. He does not have a dime to his name... it's just so hard because I really love him and care about him.
I just don't get how this could possibly be love. I can see caring about someone who has flaws - of course, we all do - but real, lasting, romantic love? No way.

There's zero trust here. I hope you move on and find a man who shows you what real love is.
 

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Do you have kids together? I really understand... I was so concerned on what would happen to him if he left..
No kids just two pets. It will be hard as I love his family like my own. Even they are perplexed with his lack of employment for this long. No one is very happy with him at this point.
 

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I just never saw myself in this position... He seemed like such a great catch when we were dating, I guess I fell for the act. I just feel like a failure...
 

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I feel crazy that I still care about him, and at times he makes me feel like he cares about me, he picks up the slack for a while, then goes right back to it. I am just so confused and lost. I am working two jobs to support our mortgage and car payments while he stays home and talks to girls and plays his play station. At nearly 40 it's pathetic.
Run, fast and far. If what you said is true then he's a loser, a failure, an embarrassment to his gender.
 

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No kids just two pets. It will be hard as I love his family like my own. Even they are perplexed with his lack of employment for this long. No one is very happy with him at this point.
you are lucky no kids.. no reason you have to cut ties with the inlaws, I still see mine regularly..My exs whole family turned against him because the same behavior. I know its hard when you love someone, especially if you are a person who likes to be a "caretaker". But can you continue to live like this? I bet you are successful in the rest of your life, right? I know I am- my ex had a lot of potential too... but slowly i took on more and more over time, sound familiar?
 

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You are not a failure and nothing you do will change him... the only person who can make him change is himself and the only persons action you can control are your own.. you cant make him stop the EAs or stop playing video games or get a job ( hell i used even apply for jobs for my ex)
 

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I wanted so badly to salvage my relationship with my ex in the beginning. I really do think that kicking him out however, was the best decision I made. We are not reconciling and as much as I still hurt (almost 2 months out), I don't want to reconcile.

Whether you reconcile or not, I think distance and time apart is one of the smartest choices you can make when dealing with a cheating spouse. He might wise up (but a serial cheater is hard to change) or like me, you might find some more self-respect and realize that you deserve better and that being alone is better than being with someone who treats you badly.

What your husband has done and is continuing to do is completely unacceptable and 100% disrespectful to you.

I think you really ought to kick him out, if only so that you can gain some clarity. I know you love him but be careful that you aren't mistaking your love for him for the love you have for the person that you think he is or has the potential to be but not who he really is. With my ex, I loved the latter because in reality, I was in love with a lie. The man he really is, is a stranger to me.

Actions and not words are what you should bank on. Ignoring what he says when caught and the empty promises he makes to you - listen to what he does because that is the truth. Every time he shows a lack of initiative to apply for jobs tells you he has no intention of finding a job and contributing to the finances.

His [email protected] attempts to change are not sincere. He wants to do what he needs to do in order to shut you up and make you complacent again so he can eat cake.

Every time he talks to another woman tells you he doesn't respect you or your relationship. He is not going to change so long as he is allowed to sh!t on you and your relationship and continue to reap the benefits of having you in his life.

Ask yourself what the benefits of staying with him are. You are not getting what you deserve but you are getting what you allow to continue by staying.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Jellybeans,

No I am tired of feeling miserable, I guess I just hope he changes. But without change I cannot do this. It's driving me crazy.
 
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