You have never deserved abuse, probably you’ll have to come to terms with why you tolerated it, but don’t ever think you’ve deserved it.I'm in a safe place now, getting an attorney. I realize I've been abused in many ways but I felt like I deserved it. I'm trying to keep him away from the kids but in my area, usually parenting is shared unless there's physical violence (documented by police).
Ask your attorney for help in getting more custody of your kids given the circumstances. They may be able to recommend some courses of action to help you. Document every minute he does and does not spend with them. Document as much as you can remember in the prior weeks as well. If he isn’t making an effort to see them and parent them now, it likely won’t be very realistic to think he will be granted 50%. But you have to document.