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I'm in a safe place now, getting an attorney. I realize I've been abused in many ways but I felt like I deserved it. I'm trying to keep him away from the kids but in my area, usually parenting is shared unless there's physical violence (documented by police).
You have never deserved abuse, probably you’ll have to come to terms with why you tolerated it, but don’t ever think you’ve deserved it.

Ask your attorney for help in getting more custody of your kids given the circumstances. They may be able to recommend some courses of action to help you. Document every minute he does and does not spend with them. Document as much as you can remember in the prior weeks as well. If he isn’t making an effort to see them and parent them now, it likely won’t be very realistic to think he will be granted 50%. But you have to document.
 

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Discussion Starter · #63 ·
I took the kids and am staying at my sister's house. I got an attorney who said not to talk to my husband. He called the police over the weekend He's starting to visit the kids somewhat and we'll figure out how that'll look. Now that I'm out of the situation I realize that there was extensive abuse and gaslighting from the beginning. I'm talking to the domestic violence shelters and have a counselor and support group.


Where I am, parenting is always shared unless you can prove that one spouse is abusing the kids. Usually the assets are equitably shared. We'll see how it turns out because he was not involved in raising the kids when we were together. He loved the idea of everyone thinking he was a great dad.

It's hard grieving the loss of the idealized relationship I thought I had. I'm very emotionally vulnerable and it's hard to keep from just going back to him because it'd be convenient. He controlled so much of my life that it's difficult to be on my own now but my family is helping me. I feel really badly for the kids and hate the situation in general. I'm trying to stay positive and be happy that he's not abusing me any more but as far as the court goes, it doesn't seem to matter.
 

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Good for you! I’m so glad family is helping out. If he didn’t have much to do with the kids previously, his interest and effort will eventually wane. Selfish people rarely change in that way.

Hugs and high fives to you!


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Build yourself a new life and get happy....
You can accomplish what you put your mind to doing. Good luck. I think you made a wise choice
 

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Discussion Starter · #66 ·
Now I have talked to a lot of attorneys. I spent 3k trying for a dissolution that he continually argued over. I want to keep the kids with me in a county an hour away from our marital home.

The attorneys say in the county where our marital home is, the court doesn't let one parent move the kids out of the county with the other parent unless there's a really good reason. Infidelity or psychological/emotional abuse is not a reason because you can't prove it and I can't prove the kids are being abused. They're really little.

The court also believes in shared parenting so he'd get them a lot. Since he lives in that county then they'd have to go to school there when they get in school and he'd become the main custodial parent.

All the assets are wrapped up in the marital home that we just built so there's no splitting it. He can afford it on his own because of his high-paying job. I won't have enough money to try and fight the custody battle that I need to fight. I don't want to move to the same city as him to be nearer to the kids because my family is in the other city and it's expensive to live there. My earning potential is lower and I haven't had a job for 3 years.

I'm legally stuck and now he's so pissed off that he probably won't take me back anyway. I'd have to be groveling but otherwise I won't see my kids growing up. I'll be the one who visits and my visiting time will be when they are doing sports or school stuff on the weekend later on down the road.
 

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Now I have talked to a lot of attorneys. I spent 3k trying for a dissolution that he continually argued over. I want to keep the kids with me in a county an hour away from our marital home.

The attorneys say in the county where our marital home is, the court doesn't let one parent move the kids out of the county with the other parent unless there's a really good reason. Infidelity or psychological/emotional abuse is not a reason because you can't prove it and I can't prove the kids are being abused. They're really little.

The court also believes in shared parenting so he'd get them a lot. Since he lives in that county then they'd have to go to school there when they get in school and he'd become the main custodial parent.

All the assets are wrapped up in the marital home that we just built so there's no splitting it. He can afford it on his own because of his high-paying job. I won't have enough money to try and fight the custody battle that I need to fight. I don't want to move to the same city as him to be nearer to the kids because my family is in the other city and it's expensive to live there. My earning potential is lower and I haven't had a job for 3 years.

I'm legally stuck and now he's so pissed off that he probably won't take me back anyway. I'd have to be groveling but otherwise I won't see my kids growing up. I'll be the one who visits and my visiting time will be when they are doing sports or school stuff on the weekend later on down the road.
I really don’t understand how he can make so much more than you and you’re supposed to live destitute and not have your kids. I don’t get it.

I haven’t heard of too many situations where the courts didn’t try to lessen the income gap when one spouse made little to no money and the other was the primary financial contributor, or indicate taking custody away from the parent who is the primary caretaker because she can’t afford to live in that city. Regardless, obviously you have to stay in the county... giving up your kids is not an option. Can you just go stay with family for a few months (not moving just visiting) and see if he cools off and comes to better terms with you? In the mean time meeting in the middle for pickups and drop offs for his days with the kids? Maybe you can also start looking for jobs and more affordable housing.

I’m sorry but that sounds pretty weird. Legally. Never heard of such a thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #68 ·
It seems weird to me as well but that's how the court is in that county. I'd like to try and file where I am now but I'd have to be here 90 days and he can appeal that and move it back to where the marital home is.

He said he can keep them Mon-Thursday and I can get them for the weekend. The court says they have to live in that county so I guess it's about as fair as can be, especially since he's gone for Army duty and things like that. I think I have a lawyer who'd be able to negotiate pretty well to help me but he's really planned this so I'll end up with very little when we split.
 
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