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I posted this on your other thread too:

Having more kids not only won’t help, it will likely make a dysfunctional marriage considerably worse. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life taking care of more and more kids (it’s always “just one more”) while he continues to get drunk and says stuff he claims he doesn’t remember or doesn’t mean. It’s easy for him to say he’ll change because those are just words. Actions are another story. Wait until you see some actual effort from him before you decide to buy what he’s selling
 

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I talked to him, not mentioning what I heard but I brought up the important issues. I felt if I came in swinging, he'd shut down. He said he was too drunk to be aware of what he was saying and he didn't remember. I told him I heard him talking all night but I didn't mention what I heard, I said it was very loud and he said he must have been saying something dumb because he was drunk.

He said he's not cheating. Some girls sent him nudes trying to get with him and he deleted them because he wants to be with me. He didn't feel comfortable telling me about it the more recent times it has happened because I got upset one time when I heard that something like that happened. He said other people want to be with him but he doesn't want the attention and gets uncomfortable because he gets previous coworkers or college people trying to get with him, especially since they saw pictures of our new house on Facebook and they are gold diggers.

He was mainly upset because he thought I said I didn't want any more kids and he evidently wants 3 now. I said I'd think about it and he seemed satisfied with that. He's very intense so when he's mad about something, he's very mad and I think was venting. His friend is a **** so he encouraged him to say negative things about me.

It seems like he was really drunk and didn't mean what he said. I find it hard to believe that he is cheating and lying to me just to have another baby with me. I don't have proof that he is cheating, just that he's an asshole who says dumb stuff to his friend while he's drunk. I'm not sure if I want to break up my family over that.

It's like, either he knew what he was saying and wanted me to hear his malicious plan about divorcing me or he was just drunk and didn't realize he was talking at all, basically. He was way hungover and slept all day yesterday until our date. We definitely have other things to work on here but I have to decide if I can try to continue to talk to him or not.

I know his personality. He has always been a hard-charging asshole who is blunt and says things without thinking. He's a Soldier so everything is very Life or Death all the time. He over-analyzes things and I think here, he was describing that he thought about whether it was worth it to leave and he told me about that during the date but he said no, it was definitely not worth it. He said if he was going to cheat, he would just tell me and we'd break things off.
Yes as if a lying cheat will tell you he is going to cheat. You are being hoodwinked and making excuses for this POS H.
 

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I talked to him, not mentioning what I heard but I brought up the important issues. I felt if I came in swinging, he'd shut down. He said he was too drunk to be aware of what he was saying and he didn't remember. I told him I heard him talking all night but I didn't mention what I heard, I said it was very loud and he said he must have been saying something dumb because he was drunk.

He said he's not cheating. Some girls sent him nudes trying to get with him and he deleted them because he wants to be with me. He didn't feel comfortable telling me about it the more recent times it has happened because I got upset one time when I heard that something like that happened. He said other people want to be with him but he doesn't want the attention and gets uncomfortable because he gets previous coworkers or college people trying to get with him, especially since they saw pictures of our new house on Facebook and they are gold diggers.

He was mainly upset because he thought I said I didn't want any more kids and he evidently wants 3 now. I said I'd think about it and he seemed satisfied with that. He's very intense so when he's mad about something, he's very mad and I think was venting. His friend is a **** so he encouraged him to say negative things about me.

It seems like he was really drunk and didn't mean what he said. I find it hard to believe that he is cheating and lying to me just to have another baby with me. I don't have proof that he is cheating, just that he's an asshole who says dumb stuff to his friend while he's drunk. I'm not sure if I want to break up my family over that.

It's like, either he knew what he was saying and wanted me to hear his malicious plan about divorcing me or he was just drunk and didn't realize he was talking at all, basically. He was way hungover and slept all day yesterday until our date. We definitely have other things to work on here but I have to decide if I can try to continue to talk to him or not.

I know his personality. He has always been a hard-charging asshole who is blunt and says things without thinking. He's a Soldier so everything is very Life or Death all the time. He over-analyzes things and I think here, he was describing that he thought about whether it was worth it to leave and he told me about that during the date but he said no, it was definitely not worth it. He said if he was going to cheat, he would just tell me and we'd break things off.
Sparta, he is lying to you and you want so badly to believe him. I completely understand why you would do this. BUT, now he knows that you are suspicious. If, he indeed, was planning to divorce you, he now will take it underground and speed up the process. You should NOT have said anything to him until you had more evidence.

I'm not sure exactly, where you are with this mentally, but you have GOT TO TAKE ACTION NOW!!!!!! At a minimum, hide a VAR in his car. I would also consider a GPS tracker for his car. One week with these two devices, and you will know the truth. That is, assuming that you even want to know the truth. Because from where I am sitting, it looks bad. Your husband, I believe, was gaslighting you.

You need to protect yourself and your children. A good VAR can be purchased on Amazon for around $60.00 and a GPS tracker, about $30.00. You can get one month of cell service for around $30.00 for the tracker. At least this way, you will have some control, and better yet, some real answers. I think you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP, if for anything, just to know what you are entitled to and begin the process of protecting yourself legally and financially. He will not know and a divorce is not final until it's final.

Or, you can go on, living in a mystery and hoping that everything is ok, but I think you will just end up back here with the same problem.
 

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I posted this on your other thread too:

Having more kids not only won’t help, it will likely make a dysfunctional marriage considerably worse. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life taking care of more and more kids (it’s always “just one more”) while he continues to get drunk and says stuff he claims he doesn’t remember or doesn’t mean. It’s easy for him to say he’ll change because those are just words. Actions are another story. Wait until you see some actual effort from him before you decide to buy what he’s selling
Also alcohol is a truth serum more than a lie serum. What kind of people make up stories about hating their wife and cheating when they are drinking???

Sounds like a full rug sweep is happening. 🙁
 

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You’ve been given good advice. Please don’t be naive enough to think your husband isn’t a cheater and isn’t cheating. Women don’t send nudes to guys who aren’t communicating to them that they are willing and wanting.

you need to see an attorney. You need to stop even considering having more children, and you need to consider seeing several therapists until you find one that actually helps you come to grips with the reality of how painful it is to start life over. Let me say that it’s far more painful to not start life over, when you’re married to a cheater.

one last thing: your husband is a liar. And lies often. He’s not a good person.
 

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It was obvious in your first post that you would not go the 'shock and awe' route as you want to remain a stay at home mom. With a 10 month old, that's understandable.

However, your conversation accomplished nothing. In fact, it was worse than doing nothing. It affirmed for him that he is still in the driver's seat and can buffalo you at will. You are now in the unenviable position of asking the server "Please, sir, may I have some more".
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I’m always surprised by the amount of women that actually believe having a kid can fix a marriage. You might be able to catch a hot fly by getting pregnant the first time but trying to repair a marriage with a kid is a fool’s errand.
I don't believe having a baby can fix a marriage. I am not having another baby to try and fix the marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
I'm planning on talking to him tomorrow about the specific things he said. I have a friend who's going to watch the kids. I don't have a problem with leaving if I need to because I can get a job and support myself and the kids. I just feel like I need to hear from him about what he said and I don't want to throw everything away when I don't have evidence that something happened.
 

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I'm planning on talking to him tomorrow about the specific things he said. I have a friend who's going to watch the kids. I don't have a problem with leaving if I need to because I can get a job and support myself and the kids. I just feel like I need to hear from him about what he said and I don't want to throw everything away when I don't have evidence that something happened.
Well let me save you the conversation and babysitting money.

He will say: I was drunk I didn’t mean it. I don’t remember it. I never had an affair. Why are we still talking about this? I going to be a better man, our marriage is worth so much. I love you. I’d never break up our family. I’ve never cheated. I would never cheat. I will never cheat. Why are you asking me hurtful things? You didn’t hear the conversation in full you must not understand what I was actually saying. What about that time in 2016 when you said that thing about my teeth being too yellow? Let’s have more kids.

Come back to this thread when you find more evidence of his cheating or when he leaves you for one of his affair girls. When you’re ready to listen to the VERY sound advice everyone has given you. He’s going to hide it very well from you now so it may be a while. Good luck!

*** you don’t have evidence because you did exactly the opposite of what people here told you to do to GET the evidence.
 

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After seeing countless stories on here about cheating it would be wise for you too understand that your approach is completely wrong. Cheaters lie ..... they all lie. Not in one million years is he going to say “Yeah I said all that stuff”.

What is going to happen now is that he will hide it better.

When people get drunk they lose there inhibitors.... they get sexual if they are hot for you, the yell about their boss .... or say they hate their wife. They say what they are thinking...
 

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Well let me save you the conversation and babysitting money.
He will say:
  1. I was drunk
  2. I didn’t mean it.
  3. I don’t remember it.
  4. I never had an affair.
  5. Why are we still talking about this?
  6. I going to be a better man,
  7. our marriage is worth so much.
  8. I love you.
  9. I’d never break up our family.
  10. I’ve never cheated.
  11. I would never cheat.
  12. I will never cheat.
  13. Why are you asking me hurtful things?
  14. You didn’t hear the conversation in full you must not understand what I was actually saying.
  15. What about that time in 2016 when you said that thing about my teeth being too yellow?
  16. Let’s have more kids.
Too good to leave jumbled up in a paragraph. Here she can refer to them by number.
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
I just think if he didn't want me to know what he was thinking about me and was trying to cover it up, why would he talk to his friend right outside of the bedroom door?
 

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I just think if he didn't want me to know what he was thinking about me and was trying to cover it up, why would he talk to his friend right outside of the bedroom door?
Why do drunk people think lighting themselves on fire or puking on their own face or laying in a puddle on the street is a good idea? Because they are drunk!

(And maybe because he also knows you will believe every single thing he lies to you about later)
 

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I just think if he didn't want me to know what he was thinking about me and was trying to cover it up, why would he talk to his friend right outside of the bedroom door?
Stop making excuses for him. He was drunk, is a blunt loud mouth who thought you were asleep and has no filter. (you said that about him yourself). The universe has blessed you with inside information, use it and stop justifying his actions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
He told me he has been cheating because he feels I am not meeting his needs. Basically it started when I was pregnant with the second baby and was busy with moving twice, a pandemic, and building a new house. But I evidently wasn't cleaning the house, having sex, and working out in the gym enough for him during that time. I recognize that I probably wasn't but I was busy giving him children.

He said he wants to work things out and stop cheating.
 
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