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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband stayed up late talking to a friend all night at our house. I woke up and heard him talking while I was in our room. The friend is a dirt bag in general. They were talking in the kitchen. He talked to the friend about wanting to leave me snd strongly insinuating that he is cheating. He said to his friend, "There are things I've done that I'll take to the grave and I won't tell you because I might want to do them again!" Then the friend said, "I don't care if you cheated or when that was" so he didn't go into specifics about the "secrets" but my husband seemed to acknowledge the comment about cheating. He said he's talking to other women that have sent him nudes. He has told me about a couple of random people who have done that in the past but said it's happening a lot and he feels he has better options out there. His main hangup is that we have two kids and he doesn't want to mess them up by getting a divorce.

He said to the friend that he started looking elsewhere because I said I was done having kids so he felt that meant if he wants more kids, he has to go somewhere else. He said when we got married, the "deal" was that we'd have 4 kids (WTF?) and now I'm going back on my word. He also said I am the least hot girl he has been with.

I'm not sure if this is just him joking with a friend and drinking bourbon or what. I stay at home with the kids, who are babies, so I don't have time for anything else really. I do work in the evenings but my husband said to his friend that I "treat him like an ATM because I'm not working". This is all really sudden to me. He has not talked about these things with me. I have said I felt done with having kids because I'm overwhelmed with babies but I think our problems go further than having another baby. I'm not sure what to do, if I should say that I heard him last night or what. I'm planning a date to talk about things in general and ask specifically about these things.
 

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This is not joking. This is your husband planning out loud to divorce you as soon as he finds your replacement. He's lying and mischaracterizing you to get this friend on his side for when he pulls the trigger. The question is - are you going to sit around and wait for divorce papers or do you want to do something about it?
 

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Wow, just wow. What disgusting things he said about you. Completely unloving and completely disrespectful. It seems he has also cheated and is in contact with lots of women who sends him nude pictures.
As for what you do, that's your decision. Do you want to stay with such an awful man? A man who stays merely for the children but who plays around with other women?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
This is not joking. This is your husband planning out loud to divorce you as soon as he finds your replacement. He's lying and mischaracterizing you to get this friend on his side for when he pulls the trigger. The question is - are you going to sit around and wait for divorce papers or do you want to do something about it?
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. This is the first I've heard of any of this stuff. I've been busy raising the kids. I thought I was doing a good job of meeting his needs whenever he expressed needing anything but I guess not. I'm in a bad position because he has all the money and has a high-paying full-time job. I am an educator who would have 2 kids in daycare if we got a divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Wow, just wow. What disgusting things he said about you. Completely unloving and completely disrespectful. It seems he has also cheated and is in contact with lots of women who sends him nude pictures.
As for what you do, that's your decision. Do you want to stay with such an awful man? A man who stays merely for the children but who plays around with other women?
It's hard because I thought things were going ok. We've had a lot of transitions this year with the new baby and moving too but I figured if any bumps were there, it was because of that. I'm really blindsided.
 

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I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. This is the first I've heard of any of this stuff. I've been busy raising the kids. I thought I was doing a good job of meeting his needs whenever he expressed needing anything but I guess not. I'm in a bad position because he has all the money and has a high-paying full-time job. I am an educator who would have 2 kids in daycare if we got a divorce.
He would have to pay you child support and spousal support. If he earns a good wage then that should be a fair amount.
How old are your children? Do you have any family support?
 

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It's hard because I thought things were going ok. We've had a lot of transitions this year with the new baby and moving too but I figured if any bumps were there, it was because of that. I'm really blindsided.
If course you are, you must be in deep shock.
 

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Start by seeing a lawyer. You don't have to do anything with them yet but you need to know what divorce would look like. Reach out to family and friends about it. Then confront your husband. Don't tell him how you know. Just say that you know he has been cheating and plans to leave you. Tell him you'll give him an easy out if he wants it. It's best for everyone if you can move forward with as little drama as possible.

If he does a 180 and says he wants the marriage, make sure he gives you an explanation for what he said and why, comes clean about the pictures and whatever else he's done, and gives you access to his phone, email, and social media to prove that he's stopped messing around. That's a big ask for someone who is openly telling mutual friends about his cheating and plans to leave though. It's pretty likely that you're going to see rage and a push towards divorce instead but at least you won't be blindsided months or years from now when he suddenly leaves.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
He would have to pay you child support and spousal support. If he earns a good wage then that should be a fair amount.
How old are your children? Do you have any family support?
My family lives over an hour away. I haven't told anyone about what's going on. My son is 10 months old and my daughter just turned 3.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Start by seeing a lawyer. You don't have to do anything with them yet but you need to know what divorce would look like. Reach out to family and friends about it. Then confront your husband. Don't tell him how you know. Just say that you know he has been cheating and plans to leave you. Tell him you'll give him an easy out if he wants it. It's best for everyone if you can move forward with as little drama as possible.

If he does a 180 and says he wants the marriage, make sure he gives you an explanation for what he said and why, comes clean about the pictures and whatever else he's done, and gives you access to his phone, email, and social media to prove that he's stopped messing around. That's a big ask for someone who is openly telling mutual friends about his cheating and plans to leave though. It's pretty likely that you're going to see rage and a push towards divorce instead but at least you won't be blindsided months or years from now when he suddenly leaves.
Yeah I'm trying to have a date with him today to talk and I plan on generally asking how things are going and I'll probably end up telling him I heard him. Idk if he wanted me to hear him or if he really thought I couldn't hear anything in the next room.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Is he out a lot alone?
He has a couple of friends that he hangs out with and I try to accommodate if he says he wants to hang out with them. He probably hangs out with them once per week or more honestly. I guess the joke's on me for trying to be a good wife.
 

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I would go on the offence from the get go. Tell him that Monday morning you will be contacting attorneys because you don't want to be married to him anymore. They'll help you sort the amount of alimony and child support he can expect to pay. You know what his plans are and you would just as soon get it over with now before the kids get any older. Then I would get a dig in about the quality of women he is attracting with their nude photos - yep, they're worth marrying and having babies with <snort>. Then take your babies and leave for the day so he can have time to contemplate his fate. You drive the bus in his fantasy.

Whatever you do, do not beg or start the pathetic pick-me dance. He is not all that and a bag of chips.

ed. spelling
 

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OK so his friend is not the only dirtbag here. He is one too. And there is only one way to deal with dirtbags. Listen, gather evidence, and then hit the with both barrels. In the meantime start getting ready to dump him and be self-sufficient.
 

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You H is a POS. Go on the attack immediately without him knowing.
Go see a lawyer and see what your options are. start doing the 180 on him immediately. He’ll have to support you and the kids. Take him to the cleaners.
tell your family or close friends what is happening.
is there any way you can get back into work? Leave kids with family etc.
confront your H , or better still hand him divorce papers, you don’t have to go through with it If he agrees to to the work necessary. Go stay with your family for a month. Let it sink in that you are serious. Tell all family and friends he is a cheater, watch him clean up that mess. VAR his car collect more evidence. Do you want to remain in a marriage like this? It won’t get better.
 

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Then confront your husband. Don't tell him how you know. Just say that you know he has been cheating and plans to leave you. Tell him you'll give him an easy out if he wants it. It's best for everyone if you can move forward with as little drama as possible.
I would go on the offence from the get go. Tell him that Monday morning you will be contacting attorneys because you don't want to be married to him anymore.
NO! JUST NO!!!! Sparta, it sucks that you have to be here asking for advice, but this is the one of the best sources for it. But, DO NOT TELL HIM THAT YOU KNOW!!!! Not yet. If you do, he will immediately begin working behind the scenes to get his affairs in order, which can only screw you financially and even with custody. Based on his phone call with his buddy, he has already made the decision, but he probably feels he has all of the time in the world to act on it. YOU DO NOT!

You H is a POS. Go on the attack immediately without him knowing.
Go see a lawyer and see what your options are. start doing the 180 on him immediately. He’ll have to support you and the kids. Take him to the cleaners.
YES! THIS!

You already know that he has had an affair, but more likely, several. You already know that he has forsaken you for his own selfish and hollow desires. And, he is not just cheating on you.... He is cheating on your babies too!! He is no longer your husband, lover or friend. He is now, I'm sorry to say, your enemy. And from here on out, at least until a divorce is final, you have to treat him as such. I know that the thought of raising two little ones by yourself is scary, but it can be done. What you do not want is for them to grow up in a home where daddy is out banging strange women and forsaking his wife. Little children see interaction between their parents and it gets imprinted on their psyche, affecting their relationships later in life.

By talking to a lawyer, you will find out where you stand financially. Your husband is the bread winner and you are a stay at home mom. The courts will take all of that into account. You need to only allow your extended family to know what is going on so that they can help you both emotionally and possibly financially. Do NOT tell any of your friends as this will eventually end up on social media and tip your POS husband off and you do NOT want that.

You need to get an STD test (without POS's knowledge) because, I'm sorry to say, he probably is not using protection.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. This is one of the sh!tiest things that you will endure in your life. But right now, is the time for secret action to protect you and the little ones. You can do this. And you will be happy again. I promise, you will find a man that treasures you and puts you on a pedestal!
 

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Do NOT tell him you know. You need to see a shark attorney before you do anything.

In your shoes, I would take the children to my parents, then go see an attorney and get divorce papers drawn up, complete with child support and custody agreements. I'd also have him served at work and then not take his phone calls. Bastard would never see it coming.

Your husband is a POS. You and your beautiful babies deserve so much better. He has destroyed his family and there should be consequences for that. Big ones.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I talked to him, not mentioning what I heard but I brought up the important issues. I felt if I came in swinging, he'd shut down. He said he was too drunk to be aware of what he was saying and he didn't remember. I told him I heard him talking all night but I didn't mention what I heard, I said it was very loud and he said he must have been saying something dumb because he was drunk.

He said he's not cheating. Some girls sent him nudes trying to get with him and he deleted them because he wants to be with me. He didn't feel comfortable telling me about it the more recent times it has happened because I got upset one time when I heard that something like that happened. He said other people want to be with him but he doesn't want the attention and gets uncomfortable because he gets previous coworkers or college people trying to get with him, especially since they saw pictures of our new house on Facebook and they are gold diggers.

He was mainly upset because he thought I said I didn't want any more kids and he evidently wants 3 now. I said I'd think about it and he seemed satisfied with that. He's very intense so when he's mad about something, he's very mad and I think was venting. His friend is a **** so he encouraged him to say negative things about me.

It seems like he was really drunk and didn't mean what he said. I find it hard to believe that he is cheating and lying to me just to have another baby with me. I don't have proof that he is cheating, just that he's an asshole who says dumb stuff to his friend while he's drunk. I'm not sure if I want to break up my family over that.

It's like, either he knew what he was saying and wanted me to hear his malicious plan about divorcing me or he was just drunk and didn't realize he was talking at all, basically. He was way hungover and slept all day yesterday until our date. We definitely have other things to work on here but I have to decide if I can try to continue to talk to him or not.

I know his personality. He has always been a hard-charging asshole who is blunt and says things without thinking. He's a Soldier so everything is very Life or Death all the time. He over-analyzes things and I think here, he was describing that he thought about whether it was worth it to leave and he told me about that during the date but he said no, it was definitely not worth it. He said if he was going to cheat, he would just tell me and we'd break things off.
 
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