Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 74 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
We've been married 11 years, we have three kids who are all in elementary school.

My wife started an affair at least 4-5 years ago with a colleague. At the time, I suspected it. She would turn her face away from me if I tried to kiss her, we had no physical relationship, and she kept treating me like a housemate rather than a partner. I decided to check her Facebook, and found messages on it which didn't confirm a physical affair, but were revealing of an emotional one, at the very least. I confronted her about it (I trusted her fully until this point) and I broke down in tears, she lied to me, comforted me, and said I was just imagining it. I was so naive.

Anyway, she was still distant even after that, but I thought it must have been something I did. Roll onto the beginning of this year, I checked her Facebook again, and found a message which really put things into perspective. It was not proof of an affair, but it was close to it. I found out she had been deleting all of her messages between the two, although she must have missed this one. Anyway, I used her Facebook, and tried to dig out details of the affair with the affair partner (I was pretending to be her), and was able to find out some things. Anyway, I confronted her again; this time a lot more level headed. She admitted it, but wont divulge "truthful" details. She says she had sex twice, but when I said that he told me it was more (he didn't say that, but I could tell she was lying), she said she couldn't remember, because she may have been drunk.

I almost left, but I decided not to and to try and rebuild the relationship for the kids sake. It's so hard! I have been up and down since January. and she doesn't seem to understand. She has been acting a lot more like a spouse should, but it's hard to get everything out of my head. I feel like I can't trust her at all. I would be content to carry on with this, because eventually I imagine I would be able to get over it all somewhat, but last week I found that she tried to FaceTime the same affair partner. She says she doesn't remember because she had been drinking, but I don't buy it.

I moved abroad with my wife to her home country almost 3 years ago, and I work here. Her affair partner lives in my home country. I am paranoid about everything she does, I am constantly trying to find out if she is talking to someone. She is trying to act as she was in the first 6 years of our marriage, but I feel it's been tainted, and it's very hard for me to follow suite. I feel like she may be trying to just keep me around because it's beneficial to her if I stay.

She told me the reason she had the affair, was because I was always working and she was lonely. I told her she can't blame me for the affair, because she was the one who did it, and she should have thought of the kids rather than herself. I'm not taking the blame for the affair.

There's also another element to this relationship. My wife is manipulative. F***, as much as I love my children, I hate my life choices. My wife will self harm to manipulate me. Before we got married, we had an argument over something quite trivial, but it ended with me telling her I was going to spend the night at my parents house. Not 60 seconds after, I found that she had cut her wrist quite deep. I had to forgo my plans of leaving, and rush her to the hospital. She has done it two more times since then for similar reasons. This is the worst part of the manipulation, but she is also manipulative in other more subtle ways too.

I don't know what to do. I can leave and get an apartment in this country, I could go back home to my own country, but I would hate to leave my kids behind. I could try to suck it up, and stay until they are older, but this situation is taking its toll on me. My kids would probably want to stay with me, but I know my wife would fight for them to stay with her. The country I'm living in will normally favour the mothers, and also the natives of the country, so I don't know what kind of chance I stand if I try to leave with my kids.

What should I do? I have no contact with friends anymore, and my family was always unsupportive of the marriage from the offset because I didn't marry someone from my own country.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,397 Posts
What she you do? You should file for divorce. ASAP.

You have been married for 11 years and you suspect she has been cheating for 6 years. That is more than half your marriage.

You don't have sex with her, she won't even kiss you, you know she has been lying, what more do you need.

I don't know your culture, but in mine this is called being a weak man. You know what is going on. She is and has been treating you like crap.

And hey, guess what... it is not that she does not "get" how you feel. She does not care. You are a paycheck most likely, and a husband appliance.

Dude, file for divorce and get out...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
What she you do? You should file for divorce. ASAP.

You have been married for 11 years and you suspect she has been cheating for 6 years. That is more than half your marriage.

You don't have sex with her, she won't even kiss you, you know she has been lying, what more do you need.

I don't know your culture, but in mine this is called being a weak man. You know what is going on. She is and has been treating you like crap.

And hey, guess what... it is not that she does not "get" how you feel. She does not care. You are a paycheck most likely, and a husband appliance.

Dude, file for divorce and get out...
Let me be clear on a few points. She was not treating me like a spouse in that time during the affair, but since confronting her about it she has reverted back to the way she was and is now constantly looking for attention from me (something that now makes me feel uncomfortable). I am not a money maker - it's not for the money. If anything it's because she can't imagine looking after the kids alone, nor can she imagine life without them at home.

If you want to use the word weak, then sure, but I'm not staying here out of any weakness, unless you think that staying for your kids is one? My weakness before was that I trusted her too much, my weakness now is that I have no idea what to do.

If you must know, I'm British, she is Japanese. We are the same age. My kids all speak both languages, and have experiences from both countries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,774 Posts
you could always go back for a visit with the kids to Britain and then stay there with the kids and have her try to fight extradition for the kids that will probable take a long time and in that time file for divorce. Not sure how the legal system works in either country. Also the affair partner were they married?

the important thing is not allowing your wife to control the narrative of her affair, you need to lay down the law that you will not put up with her transgression and you will expose her shame to the family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,300 Posts
I used to live in the UK. I remember the news stories how negligent the government was in enforcing men's rights. If your wife is in another country, I'm not sure how that would affect it.

There is or was a group called Fathers for Justice whose antics shone a light on the unfairness that many non custodial dads had to face. I also recall a law firm that exclusively marketed itself as representing the father's interests.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
you could always go back for a visit with the kids to Britain and then stay there with the kids and have her try to fight extradition for the kids that will probable take a long time and in that time file for divorce. Not sure how the legal system works in either country. Also the affair partner were they married?

the important thing is not allowing your wife to control the narrative of her affair, you need to lay down the law that you will not put up with her transgression and you will expose her shame to the family.
If I decide to take the kids to the UK, she will definitely suspect something. I could do it in secret, but I think the laws favour her in that situation.

We have always been very open minded with the kids, they get to make up their own minds on most things. If I did decide to leave, they would make a choice, and I'm certain that my wife would not force them otherwise.

The affair partner had a girlfriend. He was a bit younger than me, but only a few years difference. I'm in my early 30s.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,397 Posts
Let me be clear on a few points. She was not treating me like a spouse in that time during the affair, but since confronting her about it she has reverted back to the way she was and is now constantly looking for attention from me (something that now makes me feel uncomfortable). I am not a money maker - it's not for the money. If anything it's because she can't imagine looking after the kids alone, nor can she imagine life without them at home.

If you want to use the word weak, then sure, but I'm not staying here out of any weakness, unless you think that staying for your kids is one? My weakness before was that I trusted her too much, my weakness now is that I have no idea what to do.

If you must know, I'm British, she is Japanese. We are the same age. My kids all speak both languages, and have experiences from both countries.
I think staying with a woman that does not love you, whether for the kids or not, is weak.

Your kids are watching you, they know more than you think. They are seeing their father being mistreated. THEY ALWAYS see more and know more than you think.

So yeah, I think it is weak. What are the divorce laws in your current country???? Or is you move back to the UK.

The reason she seems to tolerate you, is that I think her BF is in the other country. And the fact the she knows you are on to her. SHE IS TRYING TO SAVE FACE...

Plus there is the whole thing going on in Japan about the women thinking it is gross to have sex with their husbands and so they sleep around to get their needs met.

If you want to stay with her, well it is your life, I would rather be with a woman that loved me. Hell I raised 3 kids alone, 2 have already graduated collate and one is touring with a national band in the US. Of course touring is slow right now.

Point is they turned out OK.

Most of the time, we say that people that are "Staying for the kids" are using their kids as an excuse for moving forward.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
536 Posts
Affair has been going onn 4-5 years. You don't know if it's over. She admitted the affair but won't give you truthful details. You say you don't know what to do. There is a step by step of how to save a successful marriage. Your posts indicate that you don't care if the marriage is successful or not, just that it survives. However, it is surviving now and you are asking what to do. I must ask, what specifically do you want from your marriage, and what are you willing to accept? Specifically state what is acceptable for you to stay in the marriage. What isn't she doing now would make you divorce?

There is a step by step process to save a marriage successfully, for both spouses to be happy, however, both spouses must both want it. If your wife does not want it, it will not work. The process is this: You write down your dealbreakers, what you need to stay married, and if you do not get it, you divorce. If you cannot divorce, you have no leverage to negotiate getting truth, you have no leverage to get her to end the affair, etc., and so on and on and on. This is not complicated. If you cannot divorce based on your current marriage, without any leverage, you can just plead and beg her and hope she will eventually love you enough again to tell you the truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,166 Posts
Nuon, its all a state of mind. Youre no fool and know what is going on. You don't want any of this to impact your lifestyle. Your chick probably got some pretty good nooky albeit, she shared it with another guy (actually not sharing but rather transferring usage rights from you to him) leaving you to go hungry. Now all that's on the table and you know the score. Here's my advice. No longer think of her as a wife but rather a mistress and nanny for the kids. At the top of her responsibilities, should she choose to remain, is booty call, along with all the trimmings and your comfort. If she wants to "see" the other guy, she should notify you ahead of time, and amply clean and dry the equipment upon return. She would repay your generosity with oral sex. Of course you are allowed to see other women of your choosing. BTW, does she have any attractive sisters. (might be worth checking out. I did my ex-wife's sister, her cousin, and her aunt. The aunt was US grade A prime and knew her way around a pecker; wy better than the other three. I kept the chick in reach for a couple of years)
Your old lady's got a lot to make up for. Sounds like I'm kidding. I'm not. It would be that way or the hi-way if it were me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: OnTheRocks

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,826 Posts
What has she done to help you heal from this affair. How has she tried to make it up to you.
Have you considered individual counselling and marriage counselling.
Have you both read books e.g How to help your spouse heal, His needs, her Needs, etc?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
What makes you think the affair is over?
Her attitude suggests it is (it would not be physical anymore, because he doesn't live here), but I don't trust her so I'm not sure it is over.
What has she done to help you heal from this affair. How has she tried to make it up to you.
Have you considered individual counselling and marriage counselling.
Have you both read books e.g How to help your spouse heal, His needs, her Needs, etc?
She has not done much to help me heal. She keeps trying to give me affection as if nothing happened, she even said "It's like we first met". At first I was receptive, because I wanted to mend things, but my mood was up and down when I kept recalling events or things that happened over the course of her affair. She clearly didn't like that, but what can I do about it? I was moody during one period for a few days, and then I found out she had tried to FaceTime the same partner. The timestamp was a little odd, because it was when I was at home, and when I checked the email address she used, it had been deactivated. I think she may have been trying to contact him, but when the emails wouldn't go through, she tried FaceTiming him. When I confronted her about it, she became aggressive and attacked me, but the next morning denied she could remember the FaceTime incident, or her attack on me.
First thing you need to do is try to form a support group of friends there away from your wife. I suggest you detach and start making new friends.
I contacted one of my old friends yesterday, but we have not spoken for 2 years (pretty much because of all of this). I'm still awaiting a reply.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,826 Posts
So sorry @Nuon , I know you want to stay for the kids but she is not worth it. You can be a good father to your kids without her in your life, she is not remorseful and is simply using you. Have you told her family? Are you from different cultures?
look for a divorce lawyer, find out what your options are, she is still in love with the other guy and is treating you with disrespect.
do the 180 on her and tell her you no longer want to be married to her, see her then pull out all the stops. Expose her to family and friends. Go get counselling for yourself and start doing things for you. Go to gym, smarten up, go out, don’t tell her where you are going, join a club take up a hobby and start to take back control.
she is not marriage material.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
I've started looking at my expenditure as a single person here in Japan. I work a part-time job, and the rest of my time is split between looking after the kids, and working on my business. It looks as though I have enough to live alone and save some money, or pass it over to my kids.

You should have her committed when she cuts her wrist. Suicidal mother would be favorable to you in a divirce i would imagine.
I couldn't bring myself to do that, but I think if there was a dispute about who gets the kids, it would go in my favour. She does it as a means of controlling me; something I realised a few years ago. She is manipulative, and will do what she thinks is necessary to keep me in place.

Right now I am giving her the cold shoulder, but she keeps on trying to interact with me over every little thing, and trying to give me affection. I'm trying not to give in to it though. My current plan is to work out how I can move out, and then do so when the time is right, without creating too many problems which would affect the kids. I would try to move somewhere that is close enough that I can see the kids, but far enough that I don't bump into her in the street. Once the situation has settled in, I will be looking to file for divorce. There are (as far as I'm aware) 3 types of divorce in Japan. One is kind of a mutual agreement, which doesn't go to court; one is a disagreement, which is resolved outside of court; the other is a court case to decide the terms of the divorce. I think that the first is most likely to occur, but I'm not certain.

I think, as long as I have some kind of plan in place to leave, she will probably just accept it - so long as she doesn't have to take on all of the responsibilities of the kids. She probably thinks if I leave, then I will go back to the UK. I would rather be going back, but I would stay here for the kids, even though my income here is nothing compared to what I could earn back home.

So sorry @Nuon , I know you want to stay for the kids but she is not worth it. You can be a good father to your kids without her in your life, she is not remorseful and is simply using you. Have you told her family? Are you from different cultures?
look for a divorce lawyer, find out what your options are, she is still in love with the other guy and is treating you with disrespect.
do the 180 on her and tell her you no longer want to be married to her, see her then pull out all the stops. Expose her to family and friends. Go get counselling for yourself and start doing things for you. Go to gym, smarten up, go out, don’t tell her where you are going, join a club take up a hobby and start to take back control.
she is not marriage material.
I've told her so many times that I'm leaving, but she somehow convinces me to stay. I also have no idea how I could find a divorce lawyer or counselling here in Japan. It's really hard to go anywhere just now, because of Covid. I started a Gym membership after finding out about the affair, but I only spent a month there and Covid took over.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,628 Posts
You need to do what is best for you and your kids, that includes moving back to the UK with them. UK or Japanese citizenship?

Providing for your kids and yourself sounds like it would be easier back in the UK.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
I was able to contact her affair partner this evening (evening for me). He said he doesn't remember very much, but their stories don't match. I told my wife I can't live here anymore, and so she said there's no point in living anymore (another way of trying to control me). She took pills out of the cupboard, but it was all for show. She then confronted me and said I needed to delete my correspondence with her affair partner. She also said that she would leave instead (trying to make me feel bad), I told her that I would leave with the kids, but only to the UK, because it's too difficult to manage kids here without fluency of the language. I told her I will stay nearby if I leave alone. She also tried to make it seem as though all of this was my fault, because I didn't give her a chance. Even though she had three chances to end it. I can hear her down the hall sniffling loudly to try and get my attention, but I have already made up my mind.

She came in as I was writing this, and tried to reconcile by saying she was disappointed with herself, and that I should think of the kids. When was she thinking of the kids when she was having the affair?? She asked me if there was 1% chance that I could stay, and I said no. I've had enough, f*** it. The kids will still have their parents around, just not in the same way. I grew up without a dad, and I didn't end up a delinquent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #19 (Edited)
She's now put a suitcase together. She's blind drunk and hasn't a clue what she's doing.

You need to do what is best for you and your kids, that includes moving back to the UK with them. UK or Japanese citizenship?

Providing for your kids and yourself sounds like it would be easier back in the UK.
They have both until they are 18, at which point they are allowed to choose whether they want to be identified as British, or Japanese.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
794 Posts
In the interim, if there's the slightest chance of R, your wife needs to actually do things to make you feel safe from her infidelity vs making empty promises. Have her draw up a plan to make you feel safe and to rebuild trust.

1 - She should start by reading (it's on amazon):
"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"
by Linda MacDonald (Author)

2 - She needs IC with a therapist with experience in infidelity. She needs to identify why she cheated. So far she blamed you and gave superficial excuses that justified to herself why cheating was ok - but she didn't identify why her core values permitted cheating.
 
1 - 20 of 74 Posts
Top