Thank You.
It's not been so great. Having read everyone's comments, both good and bad I decided I would make a very frank and genuine written apology to my husband for my part in the breakdown of the relationship.
In it I assumed full responsibility and accountability for breaking the agreement, expressed my sincere sadness and apologies for hurting him this way and told him of my desire to make amends for my wrongdoings and help him through his healing process in any way I could.
I also apologised for having so many times accused him wrongly of things as a result of my anxiety issues, for how I made him feel by doing so, for the additional strain I put on the relationship by being like this and assured him that I was now doing my utmost to seek proper treatment for these issues in order to overcome them for good.
I explained that whilst I know I don't in any way deserve another chance or deserve his forgiveness I hoped that he could find it in his heart to consider a way forward for us in the relationship. And explained that whilst these were only words it would mean the world to me if he would allow me the time to actually show my remorse by my actions.
Guess what??? It made not one damn bit of difference to anything. If anything it just served to make me more upset as it hasn't helped one bit. I feel as if I'm banging my head off a brick wall getting nowhere. And although it breaks my heart and it's the last thing I want I think it might just be easier to give up and accept that there's no way back from here.
I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.
But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.
Although obviously my anxiety problems are something which has gone on a lot longer and for many years.
I think I need to find out what the main issue for my husband is as I don't think I'll ever settle properly until I know the answer. Is it my anxiety problem or is it the fact that I cheated.
And to be honest the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm coming round to the way of thinking that it WAS all very carefully thought out. So much has happened that it's hard to think straight and pinpoint exactly when certain things happened and how things felt at a particular time
I think it fair to say that when my husband first suggested the separation things were probably at a very low point. I think that probably by the time I went on the "date" I'd kind of accepted that things were over between me & my husband. Perhaps that took a bit of strain off of me in terms of my anxiety problems and lessened them somewhat. This probably in turn made me much more relaxed and if I think back to around that time I think I appeared quite outwardly "happy". Perhaps this was what made my husband wonder if the decision to separate was the wrong one? He was seeing me as being brighter than I'd been in a long time and obviously I wasn't really "on his case" regarding the issues that fuelled my anxiety. Maybe he was seeing the woman he loved the way she was when he'd fallen in love with her, something he hadn't seen in a long time, and that was what prompted him to consider that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't know, it's just a thought. But obviously by then it was too late anyway, I'd messed up by then.
Dear cheetycat,
I think you are going back and forth between two opposing explanations for the situation you find yourself in and, as a result, are struggling to decide on a way forward.
The first explanation is that your marriage is on the rocks mainly because of (1) your long-term, unresolved anxiety disorder, which placed such a strain on your marriage that your H eventually withdrew from you and (2) your cheating on your H while you were separated, which caused him to end your recent attempt to R. As I read your posts, this seems to me to be what you initially thought and keep coming back to, and reflects your acceptance of your responsibility for the break-down of your marriage.
The second explanation is that, while your anxiety disorder and infidelity played apart , your marriage has failed mainly because of (1) your H's refusal to provide you with the support you needed to deal with your anxiety disorder and (2) his failure to understand that your infidelity resulted from his withdrawing from you and his refusal to give you a second chance after your affair. This explanation seems to have developed as the result of a number of comments from posters and, to me, is an attempt to shift the blame for your marital problems mainly to your H.
I suspect that the truth (to the extent one can determine what is "true" in any human relationship) lies somewhere in the middle. However, from the perspective of what is most likely to lead to R between you and your H or to prepare you for the future if you ultimately D, I believe that the first explanation is more helpful.
It seems to me, and this is consistent with the advice usually offered on TAM/CWI, that a WS's best strategy for saving his or her marriage involves accepting complete responsibility for the infidelity, apologizing often for it, offering to do whatever is necessary to help the BS deal with the mistrust and pain the infidelity caused, and accepting gratefully but not demanding a second chance. It is hard to see how the other explanation -- that you H is mostly to blame -- will result in the two of you ever getting back together.
I also believe that the first explanation will better prepare you for the future, if your H decides to D you. In my experience, when confronted with a life-changing setback, one is best advised to accept responsibility for the setback and to try to understand what one could have done differently to avoid it. The problem with blaming the setback on others or simply on misfortune is that it prevents us from learning how to avoid future setbacks. If your marriage ends, you will likely want to find another person with whom to spend your life. If you find him, you want to make sure to avoid the problems you had in your first marriage and you are less likely to do this if you believe that your H was mostly to blame for the D.
I don't know if your marriage can be saved but I do believe firmly that the best way to save it is to demonstrate to your H every chance you get that you realize that the reason he pulled away was because you failed to get timely help for your anxiety disorder and instead placed to great a burden on him to deal with it, and that you accept full responsibility for your infidelity and are truly sorry for it.
I also believe that, whatever happens between the two of you, your best hope for the future is to get the help you need to overcome your anxiety disorder and to learn that marital infidelity is never justified.
I hope that things work out for you the way you want them to and that, if they don't, you can move past this difficult time in your life and find happiness in the future.