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Cheety, did anybody live in his house while he was with you and was his new house "move in ready" when he bought it? It appears to me that him signing over his interest in the property for a financial interest in return and subsequently buying another house was a pretty good indication to you he was out the door. Had he already bought the house at the time of your "affair"? Sorry for all the questions.
 
Thank you for your honest reply, CC. Okay, firstly I think you understand that you handled the need for attention badly and a ONS with a co-worker (of sorts) is never a good idea and not only do you recognise this, but appear to be genuinely remorseful. However, while this might be a contributing factor to your husband's behaviour, there might be more to this than meets the eye at first. Lets take out the "date" from the timeline for a minute and examine the timeline again - it certainly would appear that your husband had this planned already for whatever reason. Finding out about your infidelity just added to the justification. He moved too quickly and assuredly towards buying and moving into another house - you both really need to find out why (honestly) - maybe counselling will help you both do this (MC and IC). I think if you get to the bottom of this you will either have a chance at R or else, at least, closure (i.e. you do not beat yourself up about it and you husband may have had other issues). I really hope you are able to work this out.
CC, I do believe that you have done everything possible to try and make this right. However, I still stand by what I said in my post above - this is something he planned some time ago and whether you strayed or didn't during your separation he already had one foot out the door - for whatever reason. You need to
  • get down to the bottom of this and confirm that this was the case
  • understand the reason (his reason) for doing this
  • make sure that he knows that you know and then ask him if there is anything that you can do to make amends etc

There is no point trying to make amends before you get the answers to the above truthfully from him - the reason is you may be remorseful for what you did but in his mind there are other issues that caused him to start out on this path which are not being dealt with. The sad thing is that you may never get this truth from him and as such you need to face up to the future with courage and self-healing. I hope that this is something you can do.
 
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Cheating on a spouse is dishonest even if you confess you still broke a vow, a promise. Although i clearly stated i was not calling her a liar. And we do all lie, but what matters is the size and regulatory.
 
"Does this look a little screwy to you? Almost as if husband was monitoring the situation and making plans all along?"

MattMatt,

It's a possibility.

But,

Without any evidence that it is true, I think this statement may be more pertinent.

"I also apologised for having so many times accused him wrongly of things as a result of my anxiety issues, for how I made him feel by doing so, for the additional strain I put on the relationship by being like this and assured him that I was now doing my utmost to seek proper treatment for these issues in order to overcome them for good."

I can picture OP's BH as a man fed up with this situation, but who still loved her very much and decided to make one final try. Then discovered she had broken their simple agreement to not cheat with others.

And I can see this as being the straw that broke the camel's back. as far as he is concerned.
 
Discussion starter · #88 ·
Cheety, did anybody live in his house while he was with you and was his new house "move in ready" when he bought it? It appears to me that him signing over his interest in the property for a financial interest in return and subsequently buying another house was a pretty good indication to you he was out the door. Had he already bought the house at the time of your "affair"? Sorry for all the questions.
I had the "affair" towards the end of July. My husband found out in the September and he bought the house in October, but only moved out of here a few weeks ago.

There was no prior warning/discussion etc that this was imminent. He just came in one night and told me he'd bought a house.

The house he bought was a new build house - so not requiring any work but obviously just required to be furnished etc. No one else lived there. And I believe that during the course of the months since he purchased the property until now he has used that time to purchase whichever goods he required to furnish the property and decorate to his own taste.

I wouldn't know for sure - I've never been allowed to set foot in the place.
 
Discussion starter · #89 · (Edited)
I can picture OP's BH as a man fed up with this situation, but who still loved her very much and decided to make one final try. Then discovered she had broken their simple agreement to not cheat with others.
I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.

But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.

Although obviously my anxiety problems are something which has gone on a lot longer and for many years.

I think I need to find out what the main issue for my husband is as I don't think I'll ever settle properly until I know the answer. Is it my anxiety problem or is it the fact that I cheated.

And to be honest the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm coming round to the way of thinking that it WAS all very carefully thought out. So much has happened that it's hard to think straight and pinpoint exactly when certain things happened and how things felt at a particular time

I think it fair to say that when my husband first suggested the separation things were probably at a very low point. I think that probably by the time I went on the "date" I'd kind of accepted that things were over between me & my husband. Perhaps that took a bit of strain off of me in terms of my anxiety problems and lessened them somewhat. This probably in turn made me much more relaxed and if I think back to around that time I think I appeared quite outwardly "happy". Perhaps this was what made my husband wonder if the decision to separate was the wrong one? He was seeing me as being brighter than I'd been in a long time and obviously I wasn't really "on his case" regarding the issues that fuelled my anxiety. Maybe he was seeing the woman he loved the way she was when he'd fallen in love with her, something he hadn't seen in a long time, and that was what prompted him to consider that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't know, it's just a thought. But obviously by then it was too late anyway, I'd messed up by then.
 
Thank You.

It's not been so great. Having read everyone's comments, both good and bad I decided I would make a very frank and genuine written apology to my husband for my part in the breakdown of the relationship.

In it I assumed full responsibility and accountability for breaking the agreement, expressed my sincere sadness and apologies for hurting him this way and told him of my desire to make amends for my wrongdoings and help him through his healing process in any way I could.

I also apologised for having so many times accused him wrongly of things as a result of my anxiety issues, for how I made him feel by doing so, for the additional strain I put on the relationship by being like this and assured him that I was now doing my utmost to seek proper treatment for these issues in order to overcome them for good.

I explained that whilst I know I don't in any way deserve another chance or deserve his forgiveness I hoped that he could find it in his heart to consider a way forward for us in the relationship. And explained that whilst these were only words it would mean the world to me if he would allow me the time to actually show my remorse by my actions.

Guess what??? It made not one damn bit of difference to anything. If anything it just served to make me more upset as it hasn't helped one bit. I feel as if I'm banging my head off a brick wall getting nowhere. And although it breaks my heart and it's the last thing I want I think it might just be easier to give up and accept that there's no way back from here.
I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.

But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.

Although obviously my anxiety problems are something which has gone on a lot longer and for many years.

I think I need to find out what the main issue for my husband is as I don't think I'll ever settle properly until I know the answer. Is it my anxiety problem or is it the fact that I cheated.

And to be honest the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm coming round to the way of thinking that it WAS all very carefully thought out.
So much has happened that it's hard to think straight and pinpoint exactly when certain things happened and how things felt at a particular time

I think it fair to say that when my husband first suggested the separation things were probably at a very low point. I think that probably by the time I went on the "date" I'd kind of accepted that things were over between me & my husband. Perhaps that took a bit of strain off of me in terms of my anxiety problems and lessened them somewhat. This probably in turn made me much more relaxed and if I think back to around that time I think I appeared quite outwardly "happy". Perhaps this was what made my husband wonder if the decision to separate was the wrong one? He was seeing me as being brighter than I'd been in a long time and obviously I wasn't really "on his case" regarding the issues that fuelled my anxiety. Maybe he was seeing the woman he loved the way she was when he'd fallen in love with her, something he hadn't seen in a long time, and that was what prompted him to consider that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't know, it's just a thought. But obviously by then it was too late anyway, I'd messed up by then.
Dear cheetycat,

I think you are going back and forth between two opposing explanations for the situation you find yourself in and, as a result, are struggling to decide on a way forward.

The first explanation is that your marriage is on the rocks mainly because of (1) your long-term, unresolved anxiety disorder, which placed such a strain on your marriage that your H eventually withdrew from you and (2) your cheating on your H while you were separated, which caused him to end your recent attempt to R. As I read your posts, this seems to me to be what you initially thought and keep coming back to, and reflects your acceptance of your responsibility for the break-down of your marriage.

The second explanation is that, while your anxiety disorder and infidelity played apart , your marriage has failed mainly because of (1) your H's refusal to provide you with the support you needed to deal with your anxiety disorder and (2) his failure to understand that your infidelity resulted from his withdrawing from you and his refusal to give you a second chance after your affair. This explanation seems to have developed as the result of a number of comments from posters and, to me, is an attempt to shift the blame for your marital problems mainly to your H.

I suspect that the truth (to the extent one can determine what is "true" in any human relationship) lies somewhere in the middle. However, from the perspective of what is most likely to lead to R between you and your H or to prepare you for the future if you ultimately D, I believe that the first explanation is more helpful.

It seems to me, and this is consistent with the advice usually offered on TAM/CWI, that a WS's best strategy for saving his or her marriage involves accepting complete responsibility for the infidelity, apologizing often for it, offering to do whatever is necessary to help the BS deal with the mistrust and pain the infidelity caused, and accepting gratefully but not demanding a second chance. It is hard to see how the other explanation -- that you H is mostly to blame -- will result in the two of you ever getting back together.

I also believe that the first explanation will better prepare you for the future, if your H decides to D you. In my experience, when confronted with a life-changing setback, one is best advised to accept responsibility for the setback and to try to understand what one could have done differently to avoid it. The problem with blaming the setback on others or simply on misfortune is that it prevents us from learning how to avoid future setbacks. If your marriage ends, you will likely want to find another person with whom to spend your life. If you find him, you want to make sure to avoid the problems you had in your first marriage and you are less likely to do this if you believe that your H was mostly to blame for the D.

I don't know if your marriage can be saved but I do believe firmly that the best way to save it is to demonstrate to your H every chance you get that you realize that the reason he pulled away was because you failed to get timely help for your anxiety disorder and instead placed to great a burden on him to deal with it, and that you accept full responsibility for your infidelity and are truly sorry for it.

I also believe that, whatever happens between the two of you, your best hope for the future is to get the help you need to overcome your anxiety disorder and to learn that marital infidelity is never justified.

I hope that things work out for you the way you want them to and that, if they don't, you can move past this difficult time in your life and find happiness in the future.
 
I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.

But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.

Although obviously my anxiety problems are something which has gone on a lot longer and for many years.

I think I need to find out what the main issue for my husband is as I don't think I'll ever settle properly until I know the answer. Is it my anxiety problem or is it the fact that I cheated.

And to be honest the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm coming round to the way of thinking that it WAS all very carefully thought out. So much has happened that it's hard to think straight and pinpoint exactly when certain things happened and how things felt at a particular time

I think it fair to say that when my husband first suggested the separation things were probably at a very low point. I think that probably by the time I went on the "date" I'd kind of accepted that things were over between me & my husband. Perhaps that took a bit of strain off of me in terms of my anxiety problems and lessened them somewhat. This probably in turn made me much more relaxed and if I think back to around that time I think I appeared quite outwardly "happy". Perhaps this was what made my husband wonder if the decision to separate was the wrong one? He was seeing me as being brighter than I'd been in a long time and obviously I wasn't really "on his case" regarding the issues that fuelled my anxiety. Maybe he was seeing the woman he loved the way she was when he'd fallen in love with her, something he hadn't seen in a long time, and that was what prompted him to consider that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't know, it's just a thought. But obviously by then it was too late anyway, I'd messed up by then.
I cringed when I read this.

I hope you never have, or never will have said this to your husband.

"It meant nothing" equates to the BS means so little to the WS that they had risked and in this case, lost everything for someone that "meant nothing".
 
Some men can not get over the cheating, and the lying.

Did you tell him before your date that you were going on the date?

Did you use protection all the time for the six hours? Did you get pregnant or have you been checked for stds?

Your husband feels like you ripped his heart out of his chest. Can you put it back? Give your husband something that he wants. I have an idea-How about a wife that does not cheat?
 
But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.
This is exactly how your husband felt when he learned of your "date". He thought, how could she absolutely destroy 15 years together for 6 hours with OM that she says meant nothing. To me it looks like that act was the final nail in the coffin.

He was second guessing the separation until he found out that you had not kept to your agreement and at that point he was done. You proved to him that 6 hrs with OM meant more to you than him and your marriage.

It is said that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Maybe in a couple of years he will rethink the situation. One poster here divorced his WW and she kept trying to show him the remorse and sorrow she felt and her love for him. After 2 years he finally gave her another chance and they are happily remarried. So is this the end? Maybe not. It all depends on you and how much you love your husband and what you are willing to do next.
 
Discussion starter · #95 ·
Did you tell him before your date that you were going on the date?

Did you use protection all the time for the six hours?

Did you get pregnant or have you been checked for stds?
No I didn't tell him beforehand - hence how I broke the agreement.

Six hours as in I left the house at 7pm and was back in the house by 1am. We were sitting in a pub chatting until 11.30pm!!! NOT doing as you suggest or may think for a whole 6 hours!!!

Yes I did use protection and no I did not get pregnant nor do I have any STD's!!
 
Discussion starter · #96 ·
It is said that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Maybe in a couple of years he will rethink the situation. ............. So is this the end? Maybe not. It all depends on you and how much you love your husband and what you are willing to do next.
That is an uplifting story to hear, thank you. And gives me some hope that maybe, just maybe there is always still a chance.

I just wish I KNEW what to do next!
 
Thank You.

It's not been so great. Having read everyone's comments, both good and bad I decided I would make a very frank and genuine written apology to my husband for my part in the breakdown of the relationship.

In it I assumed full responsibility and accountability for breaking the agreement, expressed my sincere sadness and apologies for hurting him this way and told him of my desire to make amends for my wrongdoings and help him through his healing process in any way I could.

I also apologised for having so many times accused him wrongly of things as a result of my anxiety issues, for how I made him feel by doing so, for the additional strain I put on the relationship by being like this and assured him that I was now doing my utmost to seek proper treatment for these issues in order to overcome them for good.

I explained that whilst I know I don't in any way deserve another chance or deserve his forgiveness I hoped that he could find it in his heart to consider a way forward for us in the relationship. And explained that whilst these were only words it would mean the world to me if he would allow me the time to actually show my remorse by my actions.

Guess what??? It made not one damn bit of difference to anything. If anything it just served to make me more upset as it hasn't helped one bit. I feel as if I'm banging my head off a brick wall getting nowhere. And although it breaks my heart and it's the last thing I want I think it might just be easier to give up and accept that there's no way back from here.
I hope some day you can look at the bold part and reconsider.

It made a HUGE difference, because for the first time in this thread (so I'll assume as a whole) you took responsibility for your actions. THAT is all you can do. If you live your life that way, you'll be much happier. You can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you are. Whether or not your H comes back to you, you can look at yourself and feel proud.

Keep going down that path, and if not your husband, you will find someone who will love and respect you. I won't speculate on your husband's actions and motives. All I can say is if he was honorable and takes accountability for his actions, you two might have a chance. If he doesn't than you're not really losing out.
 
I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.

But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.
Dang, you were SOOO CLOSE. I really had high hopes CC.

A marriage isn't a savings account where you can make deposits for 15 years and build up enough "good wife" equity to justify infidelity.

Sorry but you still aren't taking full responsibility in your heart. You did in your letter to your husband as a tool to get him back, but you don't truly feel it yet.

Although obviously my anxiety problems are something which has gone on a lot longer and for many years.

I think I need to find out what the main issue for my husband is as I don't think I'll ever settle properly until I know the answer. Is it my anxiety problem or is it the fact that I cheated.

And to be honest the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm coming round to the way of thinking that it WAS all very carefully thought out.
Because then it wouldn't be your fault.....

So much has happened that it's hard to think straight and pinpoint exactly when certain things happened and how things felt at a particular time

I think it fair to say that when my husband first suggested the separation things were probably at a very low point. I think that probably by the time I went on the "date" I'd kind of accepted that things were over between me & my husband. Perhaps that took a bit of strain off of me in terms of my anxiety problems and lessened them somewhat. This probably in turn made me much more relaxed and if I think back to around that time I think I appeared quite outwardly "happy". Perhaps this was what made my husband wonder if the decision to separate was the wrong one? He was seeing me as being brighter than I'd been in a long time and obviously I wasn't really "on his case" regarding the issues that fuelled my anxiety. Maybe he was seeing the woman he loved the way she was when he'd fallen in love with her, something he hadn't seen in a long time, and that was what prompted him to consider that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't know, it's just a thought. But obviously by then it was too late anyway, I'd messed up by then.
And it's okay to accept things were over. But you need to own that decision is all.
 
Discussion starter · #99 ·
This is thing though. I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to do that's the right thing. I don't know from a man's point of view what it is that makes a difference. Hence why I posted at the very start titled "not sure what to do now". I'd hoped to find some guidance on what I should be doing so that I didn't make any more mistakes or inadvertantly make things worse. If I knew what to do believe me I'd be doing it right this very minute.
 
This is thing though. I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to do that's the right thing. I don't know from a man's point of view what it is that makes a difference. Hence why I posted at the very start titled "not sure what to do now". I'd hoped to find some guidance on what I should be doing so that I didn't make any more mistakes or inadvertantly make things worse. If I knew what to do believe me I'd be doing it right this very minute.
What you do is STOP trying to win your husband back. Focus on you. Focus on your own mental health and recovery. Focus on accepting both the good and bad you've done and learn from it. Become a better woman.

Maybe your husband comes back, maybe he won't. But YOU will be better off as a person and be able to handle EITHER.

The problem is you're trying to "fix things" that will get your husband back. Which is manipulative. Your not actually trying to fix the bones of the problem. You're trying to put lipstick on a pig....
 
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