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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hey guys,
this is my first post here, i have been looking around on the forum for a little bit because i am at a loss of what to do. heres my situation.( this is going to be long, go pee first)
i am 28 years old, my wife and i have been together 3 years, married 1. I really love my wife, and i think that is why i am battling so much with this. we rent a small house owned by my family, its all we can afford for now, that will change in the next year or so. Every time i try to do something for my wife, it seems like its never enough. Nothing is good enough. She seems to find fault with everything i do for her. recently my parents bought us a piece of furniture as a gift. it was used and my wife wanted to paint it(shabby-chic). I am fine with that, went and talked to the good folks at sherwin williams and figured out what we need and bought it for her. we get home and she starts cleaning(rare, ill get to that in a minute) her cleaning takes forever bc it never gets done regularly(and i try to help, but its never right in her eyes) i had the furniture setup on the porch so we could sand and paint. I told her i was going to start and to come out when shes done. No problem. i get out there and start sanding, then i move on to priming. My wife loses it. Tells me to just stop and let her do it bc i am not doing it right, she wanted to take a before and after picture, and i just dont know what i am doing. so i stop, go to clean the brush out, which i did wrong and she flipped again. i changed clothes, went out and ran some errands, i told her where i was going, what i was doing and when i would be home. shes pissed and ignoring me at this point. i feel bad and on the way home get her a latte and a lottery ticket(wondering why i am the one that is sort of apologizing) i also gave her $50 to get a manicure and lunch with her sister. she says shes sorry, that shes a perfectionist and just wants things done right. Shes says that shes the problem not me. im not mad, never was but decided on my own that i wasnt helping her with this project anymore. It would just cause more trouble. She asked if i was going to paint with her today and i told her no. She then retreated to the bed room and got in bed. Stayed there for a little while and most of the night it has been silent treatment. some small talk, pleasant but forced. Ive been in my man cave most of the day.

not long before we were married i got a new job. it would be in my hometown. our hometowns are 20 min apart. one of the requirements was that i live here. So i am close to home, make decent money, home at night and weekends. I have been in my profession for 8 years and plan on retiring from it. My wife had a long commute, about an hour each way dep on traffic. but it was a decent job, with benefits and growth potential. She applies afew months into our marriage for her "dream job" considerably less money, no benefits and long hours. i told her to follow her dream and try it before we have a home to lose and kids to support. i put her on my insurance with the agreement that she would take on another bill to even things out. that never happened. i still pay her insurance( which is fine) and most of the bills. this lasts about 5 months. she becomes miserable at her job, fusses at me about wanting to move away to another state so we can find our own way.complains about being "stuck" here bc of my job. goes off on me for nothing really and even asked me if she could quit her job before she had another. I wish i could have let her do that but we need every dollar, so i told her no until she found a new job. and i got the silent treatment over that. eventually she finds a better job. so things cooled off until this weekend.
i am just at a loss. i take care of our yard, and the neighbors yard as well (part of the rental agreement)
my wife said since i did all that, she would keep the house clean. our house has been cleaned maybe twice by her. our house is never straight. i try, but i work full time, keep the yards straight(she has never offered to help), do most of the grocery shopping and whatever else comes up. then when i try to clean, its not good enough and i get criticized to the point i dont want to do anymore.
in a nut shell, i feel like i am never going to be good enough. her family loves me and i love them. my family loves her, but they see what is going on(as does hers). I dont know what to do, i dont want to give up on our marriage as its barley been a year, and most of these issues didnt arise until after we were married. but nothing has changed, i figured the first few months would be a little rough but it seems to have gotten worse. I have tried talking to her about this stuff, but it seems to go nowhere, or get better for a few days until i (unknowingly) do something to set her off.
any advice would be appreciated, i dont think counseling will work. i think it may make it worse. and i honestly dont know if i even want to fix this or just quit while i am ahead.
thanks in advance guys, and i apologize about this being so long.
 

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Hi, welcome!
Perhaps you could highlight the main points?
It seems to me that there is a problem with expectations and communication. The rest is details.

The details will change e.g. jobs etc over the years, but it is communication and expectations that need to be worked on, improved and made clear.

My opinion in general is that people need to accept that others are adult enough to get on with tasks and make a conscious effort not to take over or become perfectionist. It needs to be a conscious effort to let the other person do something to completion and the 'perfectionist' needs to know that it is OK.

Communication is key, setting expecations and what each of you need and want. I suggest making a point of sitting down together and asking her what she wants, how she feels, what she needs, then explaining what you want and need. Assert that communication comes first. It will save you a lot of stress later as people start to think that they cannot talk or ask if it isn't established in the early days.

I hope that helps.
 

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Every time i try to do something for my wife, it seems like its never enough. Nothing is good enough. She seems to find fault with everything i do for her. recently my parents bought us a piece of furniture as a gift. it was used and my wife wanted to paint it(shabby-chic). I am fine with that, went and talked to the good folks at sherwin williams and figured out what we need and bought it for her. we get home and she starts cleaning(rare, ill get to that in a minute) her cleaning takes forever bc it never gets done regularly(and i try to help, but its never right in her eyes) i had the furniture setup on the porch so we could sand and paint. I told her i was going to start and to come out when shes done. No problem. i get out there and start sanding, then i move on to priming. My wife loses it. Tells me to just stop and let her do it bc i am not doing it right, she wanted to take a before and after picture, and i just dont know what i am doing. so i stop, go to clean the brush out, which i did wrong and she flipped again. i changed clothes, went out and ran some errands, i told her where i was going, what i was doing and when i would be home. shes pissed and ignoring me at this point. i feel bad and on the way home get her a latte and a lottery ticket(wondering why i am the one that is sort of apologizing) i also gave her $50 to get a manicure and lunch with her sister. she says shes sorry, that shes a perfectionist and just wants things done right. Shes says that shes the problem not me. im not mad, never was but decided on my own that i wasnt helping her with this project anymore. It would just cause more trouble. She asked if i was going to paint with her today and i told her no. She then retreated to the bed room and got in bed. Stayed there for a little while and most of the night it has been silent treatment. some small talk, pleasant but forced. Ive been in my man cave most of the day.
Read this:

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully « A Shrink for Men
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for the advice guys, i really appreciate it. I am going to try to talk to her this week.
the emotional bully article really hits home...and it has kind of opened my eyes to whats going on.
sorry if my post was a little too detailed and long winded. i just wanted to make sure i didnt leave anything out so if it seemed like i was part of the problem, i could be told that.
thanks again
 

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Sabre, you're only married a year, and every time you try to please her she rejects or degrades your efforts. You need to break this dynamic now. If you continue to allow her to treat you this way the future of your relationship is dim. Stop trying to please her, it's not making things better. Is it? You only look hapless to her every time you try and are set up to fail. And the more you fail, the more she losses respect. You need to take back the power in this struggle. She may not even know what she's doing. She may be doing it because she is in a new marriage and doesn't know how to act, so she fears losing control. What ever it is, you can not fall to this behavior. You need take the power back in this this marriage through confidence and leadership.

Here are two books for you, they will explain more in depth. Get them, read them, do it.

This should be required reading for all married men

Married Man Sex Life

Take the quiz on the site too

No More Mr. Nice Guy
 

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Try to work things out but do NOT have children until you are confident about the relationship. Remember if women are unhappy, they will pretend that children will help, get pregnant and be happy for a short time, and then be twice as bad as before (fortunately my wife and I were happy and children enriched our lives but others who started out unhappy never got better).
 
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