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As the topic says, I have reached a point with my wife where I do not know how to move forward. We have dozens of issues in our marriage, yet it has held together. The biggest issue we have faced over the years is trust. I have kept hoping that she will help me to trust her, but it just isn't working.

The first time that I really started having this issue was a few years ago. I had been picking her up at her mother's after I got off work. She had gone back to school and it was easy to walk there, so she would just hang out until I got off.

I was suspicious of her and got off early one day. I drove down an hour ahead of time. I got there and texted her asking, "where are you now, I will be down soon." She responded that she was at her mother's house. So, I knocked on the door to surprise her. She was not there.

I called her and she was caught in the lie. I told her that I would come to her, but she insisted it was only a block away and that I needed to wait there. It took her 40 minutes to return. She never gave a good answer other than she was talking with some friends. Yet, why not simply say that in the first place instead of lying about the location?

Anyway, that was a while back, to set context. Those are the types of lies that happen. She seems unwilling to admit to them. I feel like she is a habitual liar. Without wasting any more time, I will jump right into the mess this week that is about ruining my marriage.

She had her old phone here when I was off all day. I was playing with it. She usually makes sure it isn't laying around, which makes me suspicious to start with. It didn't take long for bad things to just start piling up, as I looked through it.

First, I found a text to her friend. It is apple, so everything still updates and links to icloud with recent activity. She mentions to her friend about a guy she has been talking with. She mentions that they used to talk 16 hours a day, I assume via text or anonymous chat services.

I am not sure how many random "friends" she has actively had, but it seems totally improper to have new guy friends who merit that kind of time and attention. To my knowledge, they have not been local, so they likely aren't meeting up.

Next, I found media. She has one video that is full frontal touching herself down below. It is about 10 seconds long. She has a few black screen videos that I can hear her masturbating. There are black screen videos of us having sex (I am sure it is us.) She also has a few videos of a guy masturbating with video. On top of that, there are audio files of a guy saying tell me when to finish. Finally, there are images of her exposed breast taking from above looking down in bed.

So, let's just start with these. I confronted her about these things. To the video of her lower region, she insists that video was just to look at things. She was "curious." She always has an excuse for anything that I question. The video was months old. I feel like, if you took a video to have a look or be curious, you would delete it not long after. I mean, being it is you, you can just look again any time. It seems like the only reason to save it would be to share it.

She insists the black screen masturbation and us having sex were complete accidents. She must have bumped something and they recorded. I feel like this would be nearly impossible. How would you not notice them when you did turn it back on? How would you not notice them for months eventually stored there? Also, in one case, the masturbation is directly at the same time frame of the male video. She has no answer, but says it is just coincidence.

Frankly, I am very angry that our sex has been recorded without my knowledge and feel like it has to be very unlikely to accidentally record that and never notice at all. I told her that it seems really unlikely that all these things are just coincidence. I said, what is more likely... all those being coincidence or that they are somehow connected? She agreed, but insisted I was wrong.

As for the breast pictures, she also insists those were just to take a look, as she is pregnant now. I guess the multiple mirrors in the house don't work well enough? Again, why take them and not delete them, if you don't plan to share? It is only one set of them. It isn't like she has progress or a timeline of them saved to see a difference.

Finally, I found text documents saved in her cloud notes. They are erotic stories. I decided to confront her without disclosing all the information that I knew. That information being that I knew the story referred to our house because of indicators in it. I also knew they referred to her. They are extremely graphic and sexual. They refer to a male named "papi."

First off, I asked her if she wrote them and what they were. She said that her friend wrote them for a website and she just copied and pasted it because it was funny. So, there is lie one for sure.

I said, did your friend write them about you? No. There is Lie two.

So, I asked, why does the story refer to our house? She insists it doesn't. It is just coincidence again. I pointed out various specific reasons why it had to be her and our house. She then admits, the girl must have been inspired by her. (Lie Three).

I stated that there was no way this girl would know these things and that I am not stupid... I know you wrote this. I told her that I would give her a break and she just needed to at least concede that it was a collaboration and she wrote some of it. Finally, she admits that much, which still I think is a lie insomuch as I think she wrote it all.

Next, I ask... did you send these to your guy friend? She refuses to admit any of the images or recordings went to him. As for the text, she tried to say no. So, I just decided to say straight forward, give me your new phone. She agreed.

Oddly, all chat prior to the previous day was gone. If you know her, she is OCD about saving stuff and only deletes stuff when needed. Yet, I got lucky. There was text to this guy... all clean chat, but it starts off with, "good morning papi." So, I know she is linked right there.

That forced her to admit that he did receive some of the story. At this point, I had to catch her up over and over to get her to admit the slightest things. I have a few questions, if you were able to read this all.... sorry for the length, but it isn't easy to state it all.

First, what do you think about her calling this guy Papi? She is white. Does this imply some sort of more intimate relationship between them? Her excuse is that it is the nickname his friends use, so she just uses it too. I feel like that is a lie. My understanding of the context and name would be that you use it with someone like a boyfriend.

As for the entire set of things. I told her that I was not going to be angry and I just wanted to truth. I told her that I felt that I could not longer trust her at all and if she didn't start sharing, things would not just go back to normal. Yet, she still has basically admitted nothing.

I am stuck. It is possible that some of these things are true and innocent. Yet, it feel like she is just a compulsive liar and that it may be hopeless to ever get her to be honest and truthful with me. Even when told that I would not be angry and having every assurance she would be forgiven, she just is not able to stop lying.

I only manage to prove small lies, but it seems like that is enough to justify that she has no boundaries in terms of when to stop lying or what to never withhold from me. I have a kid on the way. I haven't proven any major lies. I don't want to leave her right now, but I don't know how to address this issue.

PS: thanks to anyone who took the time to fully read and consider my plight. I have no real place to express this stuff and try to find answers to move forward. We have been together 15 years and married 6. It isn't like this is year 2 of a relationship where it is easy to just walk away. It is just I am finally started to realize the lying is and has been a major problem.
 

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If no kids, I would demand total disclosure and no more passwords etc. Or you are moving on.

She needs to have a mighty change of heart or more on. She thinks you are an idiot.
I agree and I told her no more "friends." I said, I am your husband and you should be devoting that time to talking to me. Her excuse is she can't sleep and she needs people to talk to at 1-3 am. At this point, there is no room to allow any of that.

Our marriage problems have always revolved around her phone. She can't even put it down to watch a movie in bed. If it isn't texting, it is playing some stupid game. I also caught her spending hundred of dollars on the stupid phone games, which she tried to lie about.

But, it started years back when she started locking and acting fishy with her phone. She would get very mad if I snooped into it or got past her password, so I made her a deal.... I never lock mine or care if she looks. So I said, you stop locking it and I will not try to look... which I honored for the last year. I just could not help taking a look at this old one to rest my mind. Clearly, that trust I showed her was unfounded.
 

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I am dealing with similar things. Come to find out wife was cheating. I never had access to her phone for 3-4years now. But I caught her in lies thanks to the Chevy we own and onstar. I pulled numbers up on the phone records and check everything even FB were I got a hit of a number she text thousands. To a man. And I found on white pages his address where her car was a lot. the address was the same man. I did this all for free. We are currently trying to save the marriage but it's on its last straw.shes cheating one way or another. Getting a woman to admit is hard as hell. Mine Denied even though the price was dead on tell the guy went crazy and she confessed. For safety probably or for our relationship idk yet. That's were I am now.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I am dealing with similar things. Come to find out wife was cheating. I never had access to her phone for 3-4years now. But I caught her in lies thanks to the Chevy we own and onstar. I pulled numbers up on the phone records and check everything even FB were I got a hit of a number she text thousands. To a man. And I found on white pages his address where her car was a lot. the address was the same man. I did this all for free. We are currently trying to save the marriage but it's on its last straw.shes cheating one way or another. Getting a woman to admit is hard as hell. Mine Denied even though the price was dead on tell the guy went crazy and she confessed. For safety probably or for our relationship idk yet. That's were I am now.
I am sorry that you caught her cheating. If I had done that, I would feel a little better. At least it would be hard evidence. It seems like it took you a lot of work to get there though. My issue is that she is so random. If there were set patterns or something, but this stuff is always so well hidden. She will go months acting normal and doing nothing suspicious.

The last random time, she had to go visit a her girlfriend and talk at 10PM. I had to be up early for surgery and it was rude to leave. I was so mad that I just went out and followed her. I sat at her friends house an hour, hidden. I was waiting for her to say she was leaving there and get proof she lied.

Well, an hour later, her friend pulls in. Fifteen minutes later, my wife calls me asking where I am at. She is already home. She then tells me she met her friend at a nearby walmart and talked.

Her friend did pull in, which checked out. I looked in her car, there are timemarked receipts from walmart. So, it was another case of me finding nothing and just being stressed out. If she was lying, she went to a lot of effect to cover it up.

But she used to always pull out stuff like 4 am trip to shop. It would be so random. Like it wasn't weekly. It would be like once in six months. Stuff like that where I can't predict it or keep an eye out.
 

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Was the pregnancy planned? You know enough to realize she enjoys doing online slap-and-tickle at the very least. Maybe not a full-blown PA, but this doesn't sound good at all. And there may be a lot more that you don't even know about.

When did you fully realize she was lying to you and hiding this sort of stuff? I apologize if you specified when, but I might have overlooked that in your post.
 
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Why stay?
That is a good question. I guess because we have been through a lot and I hate giving up on something. We lost multiple pregnancies over the years. She is pregnant now. I kind of just want things to be happily ever after. Yet, because of these trust issues, I feel I need to do a DNA test. Assuming that is good, I am hoping that she has less time and motivation to turn focus anywhere else.

I do not believe she wants to leave. I am not sure why she lies. Yet, it is possible she just gets bored or needs more in her life. We just have a lot of discuss and work through. The problem is that we cannot start doing that if she won't open up more. I guess I still have hope that I can figure out how to get her to open up with me.
 

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Was the pregnancy planned? You know enough to realize she enjoys doing online slap-and-tickle at the very least. Maybe not a full-blown PA, but this doesn't sound good at all. And there may be a lot more that you don't even know about.

When did you fully realize she was lying to you and hiding this sort of stuff? I apologize if you specified when, but I might have overlooked that in your post.
It was not unplanned. As I said in another reply... which wasn't posted prior to your response... we have had bad luck with pregnancy. We have been trying on and off.

I suspected she was up to something around Christmas. She had this app called whisper. Private message notifications kept popping up on her phone. As I said, I promised not to look. So, I just googled this app thinking it was maybe a cheating app.

I downloaded it and looked around. I know my wife really well, so I could figure out what posts were her. She was confessing stuff that really made me angry and uncomfortable. Two examples...

1) "Sex is like a catch 22, the more I get the more I want."
At the time, we were having sex a lot and trying for a kid. So, it made sense in terms of us. Yet, why tell the world and almost solicit the responses that guys would make to that.

2) "I can't sleep right now because I need an orgasm"
Posted on one night of rest where we didn't have sex. Again, seeming to solicit responses.

So, I feared she was looking for more. As usually, she said it was innocent confessions and everyone at work used it. So, she was just trying it out. She said that when guys started bothering her, she deleted them. She did delete the app after I got mad.

So, it wasn't until a few months later, she admitted to having these guys friends who moved from whisper to kik to keep talking.
 

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Hi, sorry you are in this situation.
First of all I would get a DNA on this baby that is due.
Second she has to agree to cut off all contacts with this weirdo pervert "Papi"
Does she want to save & be in this marriage?

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 

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You're wife is addicted to having emotional affairs. You need to have full access to her phone, email, etc. Definitely need marriage counseling if this marriage has any hope, which is very little. She still could go underground and hide it though. Has she told you why she talks to other men? Is she missing out on something from your marriage?

Is she worth keeping? Doesn't sound like it.
 

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I am dealing with similar things. Come to find out wife was cheating. I never had access to her phone for 3-4years now. But I caught her in lies thanks to the Chevy we own and onstar. I pulled numbers up on the phone records and check everything even FB were I got a hit of a number she text thousands. To a man. And I found on white pages his address where her car was a lot. the address was the same man. I did this all for free. We are currently trying to save the marriage but it's on its last straw.shes cheating one way or another. Getting a woman to admit is hard as hell. Mine Denied even though the price was dead on tell the guy went crazy and she confessed. For safety probably or for our relationship idk yet. That's were I am now.
I am sorry that you caught her cheating. If I had done that, I would feel a little better. At least it would be hard evidence. It seems like it took you a lot of work to get there though. My issue is that she is so random. If there were set patterns or something, but this stuff is always so well hidden. She will go months acting normal and doing nothing suspicious.

The last random time, she had to go visit a her girlfriend and talk at 10PM. I had to be up early for surgery and it was rude to leave. I was so mad that I just went out and followed her. I sat at her friends house an hour, hidden. I was waiting for her to say she was leaving there and get proof she lied.

Well, an hour later, her friend pulls in. Fifteen minutes later, my wife calls me asking where I am at. She is already home. She then tells me she met her friend at a nearby walmart and talked.

Her friend did pull in, which checked out. I looked in her car, there are timemarked receipts from walmart. So, it was another case of me finding nothing and just being stressed out. If she was lying, she went to a lot of effect to cover it up.

But she used to always pull out stuff like 4 am trip to shop. It would be so random. Like it wasn't weekly. It would be like once in six months. Stuff like that where I can't predict it or keep an eye out.

Sry to hear man. I feel your pain. I hope to find closure and everything works out. If not for you at least.
 

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As usually, she said it was innocent confessions and everyone at work used it. So, she was just trying it out. She said that when guys started bothering her, she deleted them. She did delete the app after I got mad.

So, it wasn't until a few months later, she admitted to having these guys friends who moved from whisper to kik to keep talking.
Everyone at work used it?!? WTF???? I work in an office where this type of discussion would be considered disgusting, to say the least. How does she know what everyone else is doing with their sex lives or online chat lives? I call total bull sh!t on that explanation.

So it sounds like you have a wife who gets off on diddling herself online with other online "friends." Cheating, but from a distance. JMO.

I feel for you, because this woman doesn't sound like mother material. I just have this gut feeling that this entire situation is going to tank. Why? Because I don't think your wife is going to turn into a saint when she gives birth. I feel for you. And, most of all, I feel for that innocent unborn child. Definitely have a DNA test performed.
 

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If you read enough post here you will notice one main thing that cheaters do...they lie.

Some are good at it, others suck at it. Your wife sucks at lying.

Once a lie starts, it needs to be followed up by another lie. To keep that first lie going.

She says this:
-------------------------------------------------------
"Sex is like a catch 22, the more I get the more I want."
At the time, we were having sex a lot and trying for a kid. So, it made sense in terms of us. Yet, why tell the world and almost solicit the responses that guys would make to that.

2) "I can't sleep right now because I need an orgasm"
Posted on one night of rest where we didn't have sex. Again, seeming to solicit responses.

So, I feared she was looking for more. As usually, she said it was innocent confessions and everyone at work used it. So, she was just trying it out. She said that when guys started bothering her, she deleted them. She did delete the app after I got mad.

So, it wasn't until a few months later, she admitted to having these guys friends who moved from whisper to kik to keep talking.
------------------------------------------------------

Buddy, she is a attention seeker from men and this is how she gets it.

NOT wife material.

I'd DNA that unborn kid as soon as you can.

If you think you have trust issues, then you DO have trust issues. She's getting mad because you're crimping her lifestyle wanting to be a single woman who is married.

Honestly, you really need to seek consult from a lawyer and see where you stand if/when you divorce this woman.
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Google papi porn. I think you'll see what your wife is getting at with her "Papi." She got some " 'splaning to do."
 

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OK I will try and simply what you have said here:


  • Your wife is not trustworthy and is a habitual liar. She is also good at deceit.

  • You wife is a fairly sexual person and sex with you isn't enough for her.

  • Your wife is having at least one affair with Papi and maybe others too.

  • The chances are high that it is a physical affair.

  • You absolutely need to DNA the kid when it arrives and before signing the birth certificate.

  • You are dealing with this in a very passive manner. You need to find out more evidence without tipping your hand and then blow this up.
 

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OK I will try and simply what you have said here:


  • Your wife is not trustworthy and is a habitual liar. She is also good at deceit.

  • You wife is a fairly sexual person and sex with you isn't enough for her.

  • Your wife is having at least one affair with Papi and maybe others too.

  • The chances are high that it is a physical affair.

  • You absolutely need to DNA the kid when it arrives and before signing the birth certificate.

  • You are dealing with this in a very passive manner. You need to find out more evidence without tipping your hand and then blow this up.
Let's add one more:

[*] You absolutely need to get yourself to a doctor and get checked for diseases

[*] Bonus addition - Talk to a lwyer. Start finding out your rights
 

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Oh dear Lord...
@rundownandtired, your wife is cheating.

Get the old phone and run data recovery against it.

If you have children, DNA them, especially the one that she's carrying now.
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I guess I still have hope that I can figure out how to get her to open up with me.
THAT, will not happen. Please understand that right now.

I wasted months and over a thousand dollars (even with insurance) on a therapist. Waste of time and money except for ONE thing he said to me. ONE time he broke out of his annoying therapist act, relaxed into regular guy mode for a second and said, and I'm paraphrasing:

"Dude, she's not going to come clean. Get used to it".

It wasn't a magic moment. It wasn't an immediate "A-HA!" type thing. But it helped to put me on a pretty quick trajectory towards doing just that. I now 100% accept she will never talk to me about ANYTHING important. And I adapt my life to it accordingly. You may handle it differently, but accepting it is first.**

Just out of curiosity, do you think she still loves you?



**MINOR THREADJACK.

Before EVERYBODY calls me a *****, please understand that I deliberately use it to my advantage. And I live my life accordingly. She doesn't want to talk about how much weed I may or may not smoke, so she doesn't ask. She doesn't snoop into our joint account that she can have full access to at any time. Or ask where I was when I stumble in drunk at 3:30.

And besides all of the other advantages of being able to do that without destroying many lives of people I love dearly, I still can get sex any time I want it. I don't take it often. It's too rapey when it's duty sex. But it's there when I need it. She wouldn't want to have to talk about why she rejects me, so she doesn't.

Life is compromise. I'm good with mine.
 
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