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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
When i married my wife 2 years ago after dating and living together for around 2 years. I believed she was almost perfect, like everything just fell into place when we were together, in 2 years of living together we never had more than a minor snapping at each other. However shortly after the marriage this began to change, while my wife has always had a somewhat explosive temper and she would always snap at me, or others then usually calm down quickly and apologise. However gradually over the past 2 years this ability to calm down has disappeared and her temper seems to continue to escalate to the point where every little thing is her shouting at me and often not calming down for minutes. Usually if i don't answer the question in the exact semantic way she will understand she will yell at me as if i've intentionally failed to give her any kind of answer. This has become too much of a pattern for a while now. This however is not the entire problem, in each of these cases i have to calm her down and apologise (even if i did nothing wrong). in most cases if i fail to do this and in some cases stick to my guns the situation generally escalates pretty quickly.

To take last nights situation for an example (there is a pattern of similar incidents) after a hard day at work (my wife does not work) i came home and was somewhat withdrawn for the evening, partially due to extreme stress and i just wanted to play some games to de-stress. Instead of my wife coming to me and asking if anything was wrong as she would expect me to do to her she stormed into the room and asked "why are you being such an arsehole to me?"

"i'm not" i replied "i've been a little withdrawn because i'm rather stressed and needed some time to myself, we've both spoken today, i'm not ignoring you, we've spoken today and i even volunteered to cook you dinner" (she had already eaten and declined).

This apparently was not an acceptable answer and resulted in her yelling at me about how i was ignoring her and various other things. I then got up and said "i'll be in the other room and will be happy to talk about this once you've stopped shouting at me and are prepared to talk" at which point i left the room.

A few seconds later i heard a loud crashing noise and returned to the room, it turned out she had thrown a large plastic box full of clothes at my computer (a bit deal as she has already broken one LCD monitor and the screen on my laptop through similar things and i work in IT and these things are not easy to replace given the financial situation). I removed the box and checked for damage, upon seeing there was none i put the box in the other room and came back in to confront her. at which point she had my combat boots in her hands and threw one at the computer screen (missing by about a foot). I rushed over and grabbed hold of her and pulled her down onto the bed (office/sparebedroom).

It is worth noting at this point that my wife is not a weak woman, and is actually stronger than me. While i managed to hold her for a minute or two and told her to calm down she eventually threw me into the narrow gap between the wall and the bed. i hurt myself quite badly by hitting my head on the bedside table and hurt my head + neck so at this point i was in pain and did not get up. I hoped this was the end of this, not so sat on the end of the bed and proceeded to kick me in the genitals repeatedly. and as i started to get up began to hit me in the head.

At this point i could no longer keep my calm while being attacked in the process of trying to stand up and lashed out at her (not my finest hour however i'm still not sure how else i could react). This connected with her head and knocked her back onto the bed. At this point as i finally got to my feet completely she grabbed my hair and pulled hard so i could not get away. It took me some time of having my hair pulled to get free and remove myself to the other side of the room at this point it became clear that my blow had done more damage than i expected as she was crying hard on the bed. As i was unsure what would happen if i went close to her (as much as all i wanted to do was go over there and hold and comfort her) i simply grabbed my laptop, got out of he house and went to my mothers. I have only messaged her since to say that i did not mean to hurt her and am sorry if i caused her any pain. (i have had no reply - i know she is ok as she is actively posting things on facebook). I am not entirely sure what to do. I'm not sure i can go back to the house or if i want to. I don't think i can continue to live in fear of setting off my wife's temper and if i don't acquiesce the fear of her breaking my expensive and specialist computer equipment.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to begin a dialogue?

Should i even be considering going back or if i do under what condition? I'm in love with her but the last time something like this happened i promised myself i would not put myself in the situation again and went back on condition that she did not continue to attack and break my things! This has clearly been blown out of the water.

I simply have no idea what to do... any suggestions would be appreciated.
 

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first off you guys relationship is crazy,and in my humble opinion it should end..i can understand you tring to protect yourself,but damn dude you dont punch her in the head,just as she should not of tried to use your testies as a punching bag....oh and quit using texts to apoligies(sp) to her,any and all texts can and will be used against you in court.
 

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first off you guys relationship is crazy,and in my humble opinion it should end..i can understand you tring to protect yourself,but damn dude you dont punch her in the head,just as she should not of tried to use your testies as a punching bag....oh and quit using texts to apoligies(sp) to her,any and all texts can and will be used against you in court.
I agree that i shouldn't have hit her. It was not a good thing to do. And its not an excuse but i simply lashed out in a random direction, i'm pretty certain i didn't even have my eyes open. Also the conclusion that the relationship should simply end is one i'm not sure i can come to
 

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wow. dude. Im going to tell you like I would tell any chick. You are being abused and the only way to "tolerate" this situation is to end it. I hope you guys dont have children because they are going to think this is how you deal with anger and conflict. I understand you arent willing to end it. Okay. But you can not go on like this another day. She needs a wakeup call and if that means you move out for your own safety, then thats what it means. Maybe you need some distance to get some perspective, because what you are going through is not okay on any level. The next time you defend yourself, you may get arrested for domestic violence,have a restraining order put on you, and can no longer come and go freely in the home YOU pay for.
 

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For your safety and hers, get out. The punch you threw today may not be your fault, but it's your responsibility to leave so you don't find yourself in the position of having to hit her again. She's threatened your livelihood. You really don't want her in the position to get you in legal trouble. It's tough being a man.
 

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She sounds pyscho, stay away from her( i read you said thats not an option) how can you change such extreme violence from her. She will probably be that way with anyone shes with. If you want to live a life of physical violence( which i went through) then start therapy tommorow. How sad you must feel to live this way.
 

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She is extremely abusive. I know you think. You love her but like most people in abusive relationships you are in love with the her she misrepresented herself to be.

It can be so hard to leave, when you have had so many hopes and dreams for the future. But you are worth more then this.

Please leave.

Be careful as she may become extremely violent when you do, so please get someone to help you and bare witness in case she tries anything.

In future if you are in a relationship where your GF or spouse behaves poorly yelling and or smashing things, refuse to engage with them and do not apologise for things that are not your fault.

I think you should have some counseling and learn of healthy ways to resolve dispute, so you don't end up in the same place with someone else abusive.
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Scarby, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with the other respondents that it is not safe for you to return to such a toxic relationship. You are describing several of the symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- the verbal abuse, physical abuse, temper tantrums, rapid flips between loving you and hating you, always being "The Victim," blame-shifting, and inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD.

Moreover, the physical abuse you describe is known to be strongly associated with BPD. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that half of the spouse batterers (i.e., those hitting their spouses) had full-blown BPD. Roger Melton summarizes the results of that study at http://www.sott.net/article/149774-Romeo-s-Bleeding-When-Mr-Right-Turns-Out-To-Be-Mr-Wrong.

Of course, you will not be able to diagnose your W's issues. You have insufficient training to determine whether her BPD traits are so strong as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take time to learn what warning signs to look for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, and temper tantrums. I therefore suggest you read the following list of 18 behaviors to see if most sound very familiar:
  • 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  • 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  • 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  • 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
  • 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
  • 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  • 7. Low self esteem;
  • 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
  • 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  • 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  • 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  • 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  • 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  • 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  • 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  • 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  • 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  • 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
Scarby, if most of those traits have been very strong, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. Importantly, I don't know whether your W has most BPD traits at a strong level. I've never even met her. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot any and all strong BPD traits (i.e., red flags) that are present.

An easy place to start reading is my description of these traits in my post in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Moreover, there are many other TAM members here who have much experience with typical BPDer behavior. Take care, Scarby.
 

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I agree with Uptown that it sounds like it might be BPD. Many people with BPD are not monsters, however, even though they can leave pain and destruction in their wake. She needs therapy.
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Have the two of you tried marriage counseling? It sounds like you have an unhealthy marriage. If you both love each other, you should both being willing to work together to make necessary improvements. Destroying stuff is not cool. It is a sign of a lack of good communication and a lack of respect. People typically destroy things when upset because they feel misunderstood and want others to "see" what they feel like. Encourage her to seek help to handle her feelings and emotions in a healthy way. I can't help but wonder if during your arguments/fights, a common complaint by her is that you don't understand or care about her feelings?
 

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It is worth noting at this point that my wife is not a weak woman, and is actually stronger than me. While i managed to hold her for a minute or two and told her to calm down she eventually threw me into the narrow gap between the wall and the bed. i hurt myself quite badly by hitting my head on the bedside table and hurt my head + neck so at this point i was in pain and did not get up. I hoped this was the end of this, not so sat on the end of the bed and proceeded to kick me in the genitals repeatedly. and as i started to get up began to hit me in the head.
Your wife is a dangerously abusive woman, both emotionally and physically. Next time she decides to get physical with you, she might kill you - or vice versa. Your W needs help, and I would let her know in no uncertain terms that you cannot live under the same roof as her until gets it.

Believe me, OP, if you return to her at this stage things will only get worse.

Your W needs urgent professional help.
 
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Next time she decides to get physical with you, she might kill you - or vice versa...

Believe me, OP, if you return to her at this stage things will only get worse.

Your W needs urgent professional help.
I couldn't have said it better.
 

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BPDs are really good at keeping their true selves hidden until the wedding. Then the abuse starts. I'm really sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. This is a dangerous situation to say the least. You are being abused and at risk for being accused of abusing her. I would get out ASAP. You might want to get a VAR too.
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BPDs are really good at keeping their true selves hidden until the wedding. Then the abuse starts. I'm really sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. This is a dangerous situation to say the least. You are being abused and at risk for being accused of abusing her. I would get out ASAP. You might want to get a VAR too.
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People with BPD don't know their true selves or have a solid concept of self to begin with. But that's not something that is planned out or used to deliberately hurt others.
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Sorry, but this is easy. Only 4 years invested? No kids? And she turns psycho as soon as the ring is on her finger? TAKE THE RING OFF HER FINGER permanently. Divorce. Things have gone so downhill on you guys so fast, that it sounds like it is unrecoverable. Once the hitting starts, things rarely get better.

I had a similar situation, but I was more firmly "stuck" due to a child. I walked. And never looked back. Her problems were not mine to solve, especially when she was unwilling. She fooled me for 1.5 years, and after that, it was a long, continuous down hill. I bailed before she hit bottom taking me with her. You may want to seriously consider the same.
 

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yo holmes ,,, a woman comes at me like that she better get ready for a throw down. she wants to treat me like a man then she can damned well get treated like man.
i know there are going to be folks who say it's wrong to hit a woman, they are the ones found throat slit and knife sticking out of chest.
RUN,,,,,,LIKE ,,,,,,,, HELL.
i posted in mens club about how something is not related to this at any rate. after having guns pulled on me my perception is way different than those who have never been there, and this is one thing i changed.
if she wants to get violent ,,, ok fine with me, but i don't want to hear her complain when i whack her upside the head with a closed fist. you know the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. kind a falls right on in there don't it.
your chic is bi polar and needs meds, thats an opinion.
RUN,,,,,LIKE ,,,,,HELL!!!!
 
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