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Hi All,

I’ve been lurking here for many months and finally decided to post my story.

Background:
My age 47 years old; Wife 40 years old.
Married 12 ½ years, together 21 years.
2 Boys – 19 & 4 years old.

Until October 2012 I worked in another city (about 1500 km away) and came home either on alternate weekends or every month for about 10 days, then away for up to 3 weeks at a time. Since October I’m based in my home town permanently.
Signs and suspicions started about 1 ½ years ago. She displayed about 8 out of 10 signs, including:

- Reduced sex – lots of lame excuses and avoidance strategies.
- “Duty” or motionless sex. Most times not even moaning.
- New lingerie – not seen by me, but kept in drawer, not hidden.
- Lots of new clothes.
- New credit card – not told to me. Spending lots of money and many cash withdrawals.
- Long times away from home, up to 4 hours at a time – shopping, etc. Once 4 hours of “gym” followed by 3 hours of “shopping” while I was out of town.
- Cellphone texting all the time.
- Joined the gym and goes about 3 times per week for 1 or 2 hours.
- Forgot our anniversary for last 3 years, and also forgot my birthday last year.
- Other red flags include her saying (all once off):
- “You are just insecure”.
- “Why are you checking up on me?”
- “Mr X and I are “Just Friends”.”
- “Mr Y and I are not ‘Friends” – he doesn’t believe in being friends with coworkers.”
- “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”
- “If I kissed another man, would you be able to smell his deodorant on me?” This was said while she was drunk.
- “Why can’t I get another man to f**k me? You can choose the guy.” (after sex). Says she was only joking– after ED problem, although I am not suffering from ED.
- “I need a young guy who is under 30” – after ED problem. Says she was only joking.
- “Let’s do doggy style” – first time after 2 -3 years
- “Let’s do anal” – she never suggested this before (it was always too painful), although we have tried it in the past.
- Dating website visited on cellphone – speeddate.com. She denies and says it must be her sister or our teenage son.
- Hotel website enquiry regarding availability for November 2011. I was not planning to be at home on the specific date related to the enquiry. She says it was a special offer and she wanted to surprise me with a weekend getaway, then changed her mind (too expensive)
- Other websites visited for accommodation in our city.
- She wants to go on overseas vacation alone because I did go overseas with a male friend once before. Also says she wants to go alone on her next summer vacation.
- Found an instruction booklet for a Sony Eriksson cellphone in her drawer, but no phone or empty box. Then found a website for Sony Eriksson on her cellphone browser. She has a BlackBerry.

In June 2011 I discovered an e-mail exchange with an ex co-worker (age 29), very flirtatious and making plans to meet up for a drink. Some very vague reference to possibly having sex, but not enough to suggest that it did happen. He appeared less interested in hooking up than she was. Also some reference to her having a crush on another co-worker. I then investigated further, using VAR, GPS, tracking e-mail, etc. but found no concrete evidence, only more signs and circumstantial evidence.

I found items of men’s underwear and clothing in the house, not belonging to me or my son. I used the VAR for months and found nothing, but she discovered the VAR both in the car and the house, so I stopped using it. The GPS information was unreliable so I stopped using it also.

About a month after I discovered the e-mails, she “exchanged” her work laptop for a desktop at the office, saying it was her employer’s decision – so I could no longer monitor e-mails. She did bring the old laptop home for personal use, but no e-mail or internet connection.

I also spoke to her younger sister, who told me that she thinks my wife cheated with one of her friends and had them (her sister and 2 young male friends) sleep over when I was out of town. She did not tell me about this. Her sister also told me that she once met a “cute” guy during her morning runs and told her about him. She denies this.

I have previously confronted her while drunk, which did not go well and could have driven things underground. Everytime I did accuse, she says she wants a divorce. Things are much better between us now, we’re having regular sex and not fighting much, but I am still not sure what has happened in that period 12 to 18 months ago. I cannot get over the possibility that she cheated, and I cannot prove it either. There is a slight chance that it may be ongoing, although I doubt it. Most of the signs listed above have since "disappeared".

I still do not know for sure whether there was/is an affair but my gut feeling is very strong about this. Please give me advice and/or your thoughts on whether she cheated. I would appreciate all comments/inputs but please do not give “cut and paste” advice as I’ve often seen here on this forum. Oh, I do not have regular access to this site while at work, so please bear with me if I do not post regularly or reply promptly. I will come back with replies if there are questions.

Thank you for reading.
 

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There is no doubt that she is having physical affairs and maybe doing it in your home. Don't let her continue to play you for a fool. You have more than enough evidence to confront her and get her to admit to what she was doing. If she says she wants to divorce you, throw her out and post your evidence on Facebook.
 

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You gut is screaming at you, you already know the truth. I know you don't want to believe it but even her sister told you she thinks she cheated. There are so many red flags in your post my gut is clenching just from reading it, I can't imagine living it.

She is treating you with with such disrespect, women who love and honor their husbands respect them. How does she show that she appreciates you? How does she make you feel?
 

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You can't nice her out of this. Maybe after you file she may see what she is losing but I doubt it.
 

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She is cheating man. She is having As, and may be did many sleepovers in your home.
You have sufficient evidence about her A. What else you need to realise it.

Do a paternity test on your last child. It may give you the proof you needed.

Any way get tested for STDs and HIV. She is disrespecting you in the worst way and you came her for conformation. Then conform it SHE IS BANGING SOMEONE IN YOUR HOME AND MANY OTHER PLACES.
 

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honestly man, how the hell do you need to ask this question considering the amount of evidence you have.....seriously???
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Yep and you knew the answer before you posted. Sorry you are going through this.

You have a choice to try and get more infor or go for broker and throw her and her stuff out. You could get a confession but the question you have to ask yourself is since you know she is cheating do you want to R or D?

I would bluff myself with all the assurance that you know everything and that if she does not come clean she is out on her A$$.
 

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Things are much better between us now, we’re having regular sex and not fighting much, but I am still not sure what has happened in that period 12 to 18 months ago. I cannot get over the possibility that she cheated, and I cannot prove it either. There is a slight chance that it may be ongoing, although I doubt it. Most of the signs listed above have since "disappeared".

I still do not know for sure whether there was/is an affair but my gut feeling is very strong about this. Please give me advice and/or your thoughts on whether she cheated.
NS99, welcome aboard.

My situation is similar, so I understand exactly how you feel. I believe my wife had one (or more?) affairs a few years ago. There is circumstantial evidence but nothing absolute such as photos. Yet today there are no signs of an ongoing affair, and things are generally pleasant at home.

So for me I hate to blow up a 30 year marriage if there was no infidelity, yet my gut tells me there was infidelity. And if there was infidelity it makes her denial and associated conversations (gaslighting) totally unacceptable. Yet things are generally pleasant at home today.

One thing I did was to sit my wife down and tell her I need to know today if there is anything at all out there that I should know about. Anything. Any previous lies, deceptions, infidelities. Any undisclosed major health problems, gambling debts. Anything. Anything. If there is something out there we can try to deal with it. But if I found out from any other source it would be an instant deal breaker for me, so I need to hear it from her. Now.

That was on the advice of a counselor that I try that. My wife denied there was anything at all to tell me. But it was a chance for her to be honest. There is the carrot and stick in that approach, too.

You can try marriage counseling. The therapist's office can be a safe place for you to bring up difficult topics. If she also sees the therapist individually your wife may confess to the therapist and the therapist may be able to convince her to confess to you. (What she says in private to the therapist cannot be revealed to you by the therapist).

You could tell your wife of your dilemma and ask her to help you find a way to regain trust in the relationship. See how she reacts. You could ask her to take a polygraph.

My opinion from what you wrote is that she had affairs and now wants the marriage for some reason. Comfort, money, social appearances? Your work schedule must have been difficult for both of you and now that you are home things might feel very different to her.

For me the specter of an undisclosed affair with all of that circumstantial evidence would make it impossible for me to have trust enough to have real closeness.
 

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Don't know of us human beings wearing deodorant in our mouths. She cheated. Don't ever blame yourself for working away from home as a reason this happened either. When you do have some hard proof, she will use that as the ultimate excuse. You have to read the newbie thread on this site as well, including the 180.
 

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Unrepetant, shameless serial cheater here.
No doubt.
I'd divorce her like yesterday.
Still if you need hard evidence to pull the trigger you can seriously start snooping, phone bills, money, whereabouts... Keylogging the PC, hugging the phone, VARS, GPS... they will tell you the reality of what's happening the last few years.
BTW you need an STD asap. Affair sex is seldom carried on with protection.
 

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Hi All,

I’ve been lurking here for many months and finally decided to post my story.

Background:
My age 47 years old; Wife 40 years old.
Married 12 ½ years, together 21 years.
2 Boys – 19 & 4 years old.

Until October 2012 I worked in another city (about 1500 km away) and came home either on alternate weekends or every month for about 10 days, then away for up to 3 weeks at a time. Since October I’m based in my home town permanently.
Signs and suspicions started about 1 ½ years ago. She displayed about 8 out of 10 signs, including:

- Reduced sex – lots of lame excuses and avoidance strategies.
- “Duty” or motionless sex. Most times not even moaning.
- New lingerie – not seen by me, but kept in drawer, not hidden.
- Lots of new clothes.
- New credit card – not told to me. Spending lots of money and many cash withdrawals.
- Long times away from home, up to 4 hours at a time – shopping, etc. Once 4 hours of “gym” followed by 3 hours of “shopping” while I was out of town.
- Cellphone texting all the time.
- Joined the gym and goes about 3 times per week for 1 or 2 hours.
- Forgot our anniversary for last 3 years, and also forgot my birthday last year.
- Other red flags include her saying (all once off):
- “You are just insecure”.
- “Why are you checking up on me?”
- “Mr X and I are “Just Friends”.”
- “Mr Y and I are not ‘Friends” – he doesn’t believe in being friends with coworkers.”
- “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”
- “If I kissed another man, would you be able to smell his deodorant on me?” This was said while she was drunk.
- “Why can’t I get another man to f**k me? You can choose the guy.” (after sex). Says she was only joking– after ED problem, although I am not suffering from ED.
- “I need a young guy who is under 30” – after ED problem. Says she was only joking.
- “Let’s do doggy style” – first time after 2 -3 years
- “Let’s do anal” – she never suggested this before (it was always too painful), although we have tried it in the past.
- Dating website visited on cellphone – speeddate.com. She denies and says it must be her sister or our teenage son.
- Hotel website enquiry regarding availability for November 2011. I was not planning to be at home on the specific date related to the enquiry. She says it was a special offer and she wanted to surprise me with a weekend getaway, then changed her mind (too expensive)
- Other websites visited for accommodation in our city.
- She wants to go on overseas vacation alone because I did go overseas with a male friend once before. Also says she wants to go alone on her next summer vacation.
- Found an instruction booklet for a Sony Eriksson cellphone in her drawer, but no phone or empty box. Then found a website for Sony Eriksson on her cellphone browser. She has a BlackBerry.

In June 2011 I discovered an e-mail exchange with an ex co-worker (age 29), very flirtatious and making plans to meet up for a drink. Some very vague reference to possibly having sex, but not enough to suggest that it did happen. He appeared less interested in hooking up than she was. Also some reference to her having a crush on another co-worker. I then investigated further, using VAR, GPS, tracking e-mail, etc. but found no concrete evidence, only more signs and circumstantial evidence.

I found items of men’s underwear and clothing in the house, not belonging to me or my son. I used the VAR for months and found nothing, but she discovered the VAR both in the car and the house, so I stopped using it. The GPS information was unreliable so I stopped using it also.

About a month after I discovered the e-mails, she “exchanged” her work laptop for a desktop at the office, saying it was her employer’s decision – so I could no longer monitor e-mails. She did bring the old laptop home for personal use, but no e-mail or internet connection.

I also spoke to her younger sister, who told me that she thinks my wife cheated with one of her friends and had them (her sister and 2 young male friends) sleep over when I was out of town. She did not tell me about this. Her sister also told me that she once met a “cute” guy during her morning runs and told her about him. She denies this.

I have previously confronted her while drunk, which did not go well and could have driven things underground. Everytime I did accuse, she says she wants a divorce. Things are much better between us now, we’re having regular sex and not fighting much, but I am still not sure what has happened in that period 12 to 18 months ago. I cannot get over the possibility that she cheated, and I cannot prove it either. There is a slight chance that it may be ongoing, although I doubt it. Most of the signs listed above have since "disappeared".

I still do not know for sure whether there was/is an affair but my gut feeling is very strong about this. Please give me advice and/or your thoughts on whether she cheated. I would appreciate all comments/inputs but please do not give “cut and paste” advice as I’ve often seen here on this forum. Oh, I do not have regular access to this site while at work, so please bear with me if I do not post regularly or reply promptly. I will come back with replies if there are questions.

Thank you for reading.
If there's an innocent explanation for all of this evidence, then it's an explanation worthy of Rube Goldberg. If you have enough suspicion to lay your case out here, then you know the truth. You're just hoping against hope that you're wrong, and I understand completely why. Two decades of inertia, the fervent belief that the balance of good times and bad is firmly in the black, the pain of finding that you could be so wrong about the person in whom you've placed your most intimate trust. These are all powerful, emotionally primal things, but you mustn't let them twist reality. Your wife has almost certainly cheated. You must, for your own piece of mind, gather evidence one way or another. That way you may confront her from a place of moral certainty; certainty in what has happened in the past and certainty of what will happen in the future, one way or another.
 
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