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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been having troubles for a while. After much talking we decided to take a break from each other so we could catch our breath and think about what we need to do. She went to stay with her folks in another state, she has been gone for seven days today. The first couple of days was a little lonely for me but then I got over it. We have two teenage kids who are active doing their own things so they never missed a beat. Today she called and wanted to come home. I told her she could but in truth I don't think I want her to come back. This past week has been one of the best weeks I have had in a long time. The kids and I have simply enjoyed each others company when they were home. The house has stayed clean instead of looking like a tornado touched down(my wife is like a storm as she moves from room to room leaving everything in disaray) Things have just been so calm and relaxed. She will be back home tomorrow and I am stressed to the max thinking about it. She says we need to work on things but I really don't know if I have the energy to keep trying. Not looking for any answers I just needed to put my thoughts into words. Good luck to me. Cooper
 

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Perhaps you need to have a heart-to-heart with her as son as she gets home, and explain to her what the days without her were like.

This will give her a chance to either correct a few things, or leave.
 

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If you come to the conclusion that an official separation or a divorce is what is best for you, then consider talking to your children about it. You don't have to go into details and paint their mother as the bad guy, but simply that you two have incompatibilities that have grown over the years. Teenagers are very perceptive and may have already sensed this for some time now. Sooner or later they will know that the marriage is ending.
 

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the fact that you aren't looking forward to her return probably tells you what you separated to find out. Until she's home, you don't really know what's gone through her mind so perhaps it's too early to be making any decisions.

I suggest the pair of you have an honest conversation when she's back, and take it from there.
 

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I think your feelings are telling you what you really want and need. If you are dreading your wife's return it's a good bet that she is not a positive and longed for part of your life. Your children are grown up so perhaps it's time you thought about your future, what you want and what makes you happy. Life's too short to be needlessly miserable.
 

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I agree with Delphi. If you dreading your wife's return, maybe you should not let her. Let her know how you feel about the situation, maybe some good could come of it. Life is definitely to short to be miserable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Cooper here, been busy and havn't been able to check in. Thanks for your words of wisdom everyone, I know this is something we need to talk out. Just so you have some history I have become concerned she is having an affair. I had talked about this issue in another thread I have posted. We have talked alot but just keep plowing ahead never really coming to a solution. I thought the time apart would be helpful. The first couple of days she was back went pretty well. She actually helped around the house and seemed to want to be involved as a family again. Then yesterday it was back to the same old same old. I tried to reach her several times over the day and she didn't answer my calls(home and cell phone) When I got home from work she was very stand offish. When I asked what was up all day she said she had gone to lunch with her friends and they were just hanging out and talking. She said she had left her phone in the car, this from a women who never ever lets that phone out of her sight. I let it go at that. The whole evening she was very quiet and didn't come to bed until I had already gone to sleep. Tonight when I got home from work she said she had some running around to do. Five hours and still no sign of her. I made dinner, cut the grass, did a load of laundry and cleaned the floors. Same old stuff. I may be the only single married person I know! This is not how I thought my life would be. I wanted a partner, I feel I'm being cheated and taken advantage of. Cooper
 

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I'm sorry things did not improve for the better but it really doesn't come as a great surprise considering what you've told us about your situation. Perhaps you should consider trying to convey in a letter, that your trust in her has diminished considerably and that you have no hope in the future for the marriage. If she refuses to engage you in a constructive dialog, then you will have your answer as to what your life will continue to be as long as you are married to her. The point is that she should be made aware where you stand so that she will harbor no illusions that you are her reliable backup in case her relationship with the other person does not pan out.
 

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Hi Cooper - I have sympathy for you & your situation. It is enough to drive someone batty when your significant other is out & you have no idea what he/she is up to. A part of you wants to trust that it is "nothing" & you are just reading into it. But yet another part of you, is going crazy thinking of all the possible scenarios that could be playing out with out your knowledge.
As you mentioned the thing about the phone not leaving her sight usually - unless it is convenient to say when you are trying to reach her. That seems suspicious. ..
Have you asked her straight out if she is involved with anyone else? Don't recall from your previous posts . . Not that she will probably come forward with the truth when asked but at least you let her know what you are thinking. You have nothing to loose by asking at this point.
The only other thing that you might want to consider & I know it seems a bit extreme but maybe hiring a private investigator to find out for sure what is going on. At least it will give you piece of mind what is really going on with her & not leave your constantly wondering whenever she is out.
I think depending on what state you live in, if you proceed with a divorce, not sure if any evidence will help your case?
Have you consulted with a lawyer at all to know your rights, etc? I know it seems like a big step but might be something to do - so you are more informed if it comes to that step. Some companies have employee assistance program & provide free legal consultations - I took advantage of that through my husbands employer. ( I actually met with several to get several points of view & find the personality I liked working with).
I filed legally for "support without dissolution of marriage" from my husband until I decide what to do with my situation. The reason I did this was to protect myself from the other woman (who mothered their child) - in case she decided to file something formally with the court. This way my case has priority if she would ever file her case legally in court.
I can see how you want more from your marriage & don't want to be the bread winner, then come home & cook, clean, take care of the kids - while she is out who knows where & with who. It is not fair to you & of course, not what you thought marriage is all about.
Like the "cant think of a user name" said - if she doesn't seem to make any effort to communicate with you to make improvements in your relationship then you may have no choice to move on with out her. Have you spoke to a counselor at all? That might help to to get this all off your chest & get some professional guidance.
I feel for you & hope things get better at home.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for all your thoughts. Yes we have had several talks in the last couple of months about our future. She wants to stay married but wants her freedom as well. Yes I have asked her if she is involved with someone else, I have laid out point after point as to why I have come to conclusion and she tells me I'm nuts. Swears there is no one else. Always has a story to explain things. There is just to much to often to believe. If anything she has become way more careful. I have a friend that is a bail bondsman and a PI. I am afraid to talk to him about this because we have a lot of the same friends. I am embarassed to be in this situation. I can put up with a lot of crap but I am getting very tired of always being the one to turn the other cheek. I'm afraid we just don't have any common ground any more. It just seems like to much work without any rewards. Cooper
 

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You mentioned being embarrassed to ask regarding the P.I. then maybe look one up in the yellow pages that doesn't know you . If you do hire a friend, if they are a professional, they would keep this confidential & I am sure that you are not the 1st person who he has investigated.
I think that maybe if you have the proof in no uncertain terms - you can confront your wife or maybe not even give her that benefit once you have the information & make a decision on what you feel is best for you. And as you mentioned, she has tried to "explain" things away one to many times that it doesn't seem right anymore. Trust your instinct - it is usually right.
You mentioned being embarrassed, I realize it is not a desirable topic to have to discuss. I know it is an uncomfortable situation but surprisingly enough there are more people out there with similar situation than we realize. And it is not something usually someone brings up but people might be more supportive than you think.
I think you owe it to yourself to know the truth & if you wife isn;t going to be forthcoming about it, then you need to use whatever means to get that information. But also, you need to prepare yourself for what information might come to light.
But at least you can make an educated decision based on fact & not lies being told to you by your wife.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Part of me wants to know the truth for sure but the other part is afraid of the answers. If what I suspect is true things will be over, no turning back. There was I time when we were happy. I keep thinking that we can get back to that place. Sometimes I think the problem is with me. My wife is a beautiful woman, everyone loves her. She is the best type of friend a person can have, but she is a terrible wife and a distracted mother. Her goal is to always have fun and to leave all the dirty little jobs of taking care of our life up to me. At the end of the day we have very different goals, we simply do not compliment each others styles. If we were to meet today I don't think we would fall in love. Hard choices ahead. Cooper
 

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The ball ins in your court so it seems. I understand about being afraid what you might find out- but like I mentioned before. I think you have the right to know the truth & at least confirm your suspicions so you are not constantly wondering where she is, who she is with when she is not with you. It is not a healthy way to live your life.
Your wife seems content to continue to lead her life like this - she's having fun & you are miserable, worried & doing all the work. You need to be honest with yourself - is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
It certainly does not seem so. You can not make her change - she has to want to change for herself. And the harder you try - the more frustrated you become. Please do NOT blame yourself for this. If indeed your wife is having an affair, it is SHE that is married & went outside the boundaries of marriage at this point. If she was really that unhappy - she should have come to you & told you. And at least given you the courtesy to be upfront with you. She had some choices & being "unfaithful" should not have been one of them.
Even if you decide not to leave or ask her to leave, if you are not ready for that yet. Start working on YOU - demand some time of your own to pursue what you like to do. Make her be responsible for picking up the kids & cooking one night. Maybe you join a gym, take tennis/golf lessons, take a foreign language class, going out for beers with the guys? Maybe when she realizes what she is about to loose - she'll shape up?? ( we can be hopeful - right?)

I see myself in you - in that I am the one that take care of things around the house(cooking, cleaning, laundry), all kid related duties, paying bills, etc. I am the organizer & put a lot of pressure on myself to do this. And used to NEVER ask for help but be resentful when my husband wouldn't offer to help. But yet I would never ask him too. I have learned that I can't be "superwoman" & do everything because if I do, I become stressed & am not a fun person to be around. That is part of the problem between my husband & I. I always felt I had soo much to do relating to the family & didn't pay as much attention to him. Just kept myself busy doing everything - that we started to grow apart. We would rarely ever go on a "date' night but in the long run it hurt us. We have found out that we need to make time for ourselves & make us a priority.
Not sure if you think that could be what happened with you & your wife? I am sure there are some underlying issues that have brought your relationship to this point. At least if you can identify - hopefully you can either fix them or at least we aware of them for future relationships.
I do not envy you - but trust yourself to make the right decision.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
There are several reasons we have not taken the step to divorce. The kids are the number one reason. Our daughter is 17 and our son is 15. Both of us agree we don't want to ruin things for them, I really don't know if that is sound logic. How have others children reacted to divorce? Both the kids are pretty good people, both active, good bunch of friends as well as good students. Another reason is the comfort of being able to hold on to what we have built. My wife did conceed that if we divorced I could keep the house because I am the one who has put all the work into it. Another reason is we don't hate each other. (Probably because I always let her have her way) I will say we resent each other but not hate. When we argue there is no screaming, no name calling, no threats. Maybe no passion left? Cooper
 

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hey Coop... have you tried following her in someone elses car? Make sure you have a nice camera with you too. Seems fishy to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
No I have not followed her but I have thought about it many times. Russ I would like to congradulate you on your sobriety. I come from a family of drinkers and even though I started down that road myself I was able to break the cycle. Not one drink in 24 years. As long as you stay away from the next drink you to can do it. Day by day and year by year just keep adding time to your sobriety. I'm not going to wish you luck because that isn't what it takes to stop drinking. It takes absolute strength!! Be strong ! Drinking has been an issue between my wife and myself. I am to the point that I do not like being around people that drink. My wife and her friends like to go have some drinks, I no longer go along because I got tired of pretending I was having a good time. She use to respect the fact that I didn't drink now she says I'm boring. I stated above she spent a week at her parents. She told me a few of those nights she and her brother and her dad went out and had drinks. My wife is great at down playing the truth. Her brothers a major drinker and her dad is 65 going on 21. My guess is was party every night. Cooper
 

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If you stay together for the kids - don't you think they see what is going on? And if they do ( know what is going on with Mom) - don't you think they are wondering why you are letting her treat you this way? My 2 are 7 & 2 so I can't relate to having teenagers - I am sure they would be much more outspoken and have many more questions than my little ones.
But it is often said that children ( maybe not teenagers??) are more resilent then we think. I think a lot of how you the parent present it to them, are open & not "pit" each other against each other have a huge impact on how the kids cope & adjust.

About the getting along & not fighting - As I mentioned in previous thread - I can relate to your situation now in another way. My husband & I too get along fine, no fighting & very amicable - I think it would be an easier decision to divorce if it was the yelling, screaming - I hate you situation but it's not. So could we continue to live like this & get along? - probably yes & we have been for the past 3 years - trying to figure out what went wrong & if we can work things out between us.

The "comfort" thing - yes, you have been together a long time & it would be difficult to have to start all over again. And many things in both your lives would change - not too many are eager for change when they are comfortable - most people are scared of the unknown. However, you just don't seem happy living your life the way it is - working your butt off around the house & keeping the family together while on the other hand your wife is out doing her own thing & having fun.
At least if you were on your own, all the work you are doing would be appreciated by yourself. It would be less cooking cleaning,etc ( for 1 less).
You mention hold onto what you have built - what do you mean? Are you happy with what you currently have together - besides 2 wonderful kids? If you decide to stay- I think you & your wife need to identify what in your relationship got so off track that your wife felt the need to seek companionship elsewhere? However, if your wife is not going to come clean about her speculated affair - it is going to be very hard to communicate & determine what is the underlying problem & if she doesn't see or think there is aproblem then she is not going to be probably be very receptive to any changes that need to be made.
You can stay & always wonder why did I stay? What if I didn't stay - what would have happened? But either way right now, it sounds like you are living a "lie" ( the wife lying to you or you & she lying to yourselves that you 'pretending" to be the happy family that you are not).
If you stay because of the kids, I think they will ultimately see your unhappiness & resentment - if they don't already.
Guess we can wait & hear from others about how their kids handled the situation.
Best of luck- take your time making a decision you feel right about.
 

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Thanks Coop. I appreciate the vote of confidence.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Believer your are right in saying I am not happy the way things are. I know my wife has lied to me many times and I confront her when I have proof, but I always forgive and move on. We are not living a lie though, we both admit to not being happy with our marriage. If she is cheating on me then yes that is unforgivable, but overall she isn't a bad person and I'm not a bad guy. We have just developed to many differences. We have become opposites who resent each other. She belongs in an apartment, I belong on the farm. She likes a hot car, I like an old truck. I like hiking in the mountains and she likes laying on the beach for a week. The list goes on and on. We both realize that once the kids are gone we will have very little in common, it's just a matter of ending it then or now. Cooper
 

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While this may not be a permanent solution to the problem, you may want to consider a divorce but still live together until the kids are grown. I've known a few couples who tried it and it seemed to help them but their children were already teenagers when they divorced so I don't know how effective it would have been if their kids had been much younger. Nevertheless, agreed upon rules had to be put in place in order for it to work such as no boyfriend or girlfriend coming over or staying over at the house (the home is 'sacred ground'). Also, there must be no more traces of love left over for jealousy will rear its ugly head once one or both become emotionally and sexually involved with others. Can it work for you? Maybe or maybe not but it is something that should at least be given some thought.
 
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