Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok im 25 been with my husband since i was 19 and we have been married 2 years, he has always been the jealous type and over the years i just have lost any sort of social life

My husband can be the most romantic person and we have amazing days together taking our daughter whos 3 out, or nights watching a DVD cuddled on the sofa, he says things like me and our daughter are his entire world and he would be lost without us, he does at times make me feel amazing

but on the other hand his jealousy is beyond control, becuase his previous GF had cheated on him with a gir, i feel im even cut of from my females friends. i havent been out for 7 years he has serious trust issues and sometimes just me being at work i know his mind is going crazy, sometimes he breaks down and cries and says he struggles to cope he has this fear i am going to leave (everyone in his life has left him) his mothr walked out when he was 3 his dad when he was 15 and now neither want to know him, so he doesnt really have any family for support and i have a big family and feel over the years its been wittled down to just the 3 of us as he doesnt really have any friends either!

Recently my mum moved her friends son in as he was homeless and my husband almost broke down and said he couldnt cope with the fear that i might run off with him (not going to happen) i have never been unfaithful in 7 years and never would i have put my all in to this marriage but in febuary of this year he did have a one night stand and the girl feel pregant, they both choose to abort the baby and because of his remorse and his behaviour to put it right (he wasnt being secretive we were communicating lots, he was putting me and his daughter first,all things he wasnt doing at the time) we have been fighting to make our marriage work because i do believe we both love eachother a huge amount.

but last week after the bloke at my mums house, he broke down crying told me he was struggling with everything and just wanted to end his life as he couldnt cope with feeling the way he was and he hated feeling this way, he begged me for help and we went to the drs and he was given medication and he asked to see a counsellor to deal with his difficult childhood and the death of our son that he has never come to terms with.

i want to stand by him and get him trough this, but another part of me can not breathe, feel i cant have friends see anyone do anything becuase of his worries and lack of trust

I dont talk to anyone about this really as dont like to burden people i just feel so alone half of me is ready to walk and start again just me and my daughter with no one controlling me or anyone to answer to, part another part of me loves him so much and i want this to work but equally as he has no family and the state he is in it does worry me him doing something stupid if me and his daughter were to leave?

just dont know what to do
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,984 Posts
He seems to be having mental issues. I would also be suspicious if he was cheating on you the entire marriage.

Cheaters heavily project on their spouses. But you seem a bit too trusting towards your husband bordering on being gullible. It is very unlikely that he got her pregnant on a one night stand. You need to open up your mind to other possibilities.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
He seems to be having mental issues. I would also be suspicious if he was cheating on you the entire marriage.

Cheaters heavily project on their spouses. But you seem a bit too trusting towards your husband bordering on being gullible. It is very unlikely that he got her pregnant on a one night stand. You need to open up your mind to other possibilities.
You need to encourage him to get counseling. He has abandonment issues because of his parents and his gf. The idea of him telling you that he worries about losing you might be because he is doing wrong or has done more then you know and is afraid if you find out it'll be over for you guys?!

Just a thought!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,781 Posts
From your description, it sounds like your husband is terrified of losing you (abandonment, as the others say), but at the same time, thinks that this is inevitable, so he pushes the envelope to actually make it happen (thus, the projecting). If he pushes, pushes, pushes you, then you will do what he knows you are going to do eventually, which is leave him. His mind tells him to just get the terrible thing over with, just put him out of his misery. But, of course, this is really the last thing he wants.

So, he's in terrible conflict & he cheats on you to push things & he's out of control with fear and jealousy to push things.

I agree that his cheating was not just a ONS, but has been more. It also sounds like he needs serious therapy. Because you've stayed in this for as long as you have, you need therapy, too. That is perhaps the best way for you to help yourself right now.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
He definitely needs to see somebody for IC or together for MC.

And agree with Warlock about the projection. My wife was EXTREMELY jealous at the beginning of our marriage. Toxically jealous. Of my work (if I was late, I was having an affair). Of my family (She left her family behind in Singapore - why should I still have access to my family?). Of my friends (You talk about things I don't know about! You've know them better than me...)

Ironically, SHE was the one who eventually cheated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
From your description, it sounds like your husband is terrified of losing you (abandonment, as the others say), but at the same time, thinks that this is inevitable, so he pushes the envelope to actually make it happen (thus, the projecting). If he pushes, pushes, pushes you, then you will do what he knows you are going to do eventually, which is leave him. His mind tells him to just get the terrible thing over with, just put him out of his misery. But, of course, this is really the last thing he wants.
This is someone who has a lot of self-hatred and self-esteem issues. What I mean is, abandonment as a child can create a view that one is unlovable.

What then happens is that he decides--subconsciously--that if he is unlovable, it really doesn't matter what he does that might alienate you. He is sure you are going to abandon him anyhow, so what's the point of being faithful, etc.? But as has been said, this turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. He doesn't value himself enough to believe you could really be faithful and love him for himself; he therefore acts in ways that alienate you, as a sort of test of your love for him; but ultimately he knows that this will kill your love and cause you to leave him.

I call it "beating you to the punch."

Obviously, this is not mentally normal behavior in the least. He desperately needs individual counseling so that he can separate what happened in his childhood from who he really is at his core. He strongly associates love with rejection. But unfortunately, HE is the one who is going to have to do the hard work in counseling to get over his past and change his worldview.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
One other thing: you should be in individual counseling yourself.

You need to find a safe place to unburden yourself. This place is fine, but we are not trained counselors.

I say this because typically, a spouse married to a man like yours is a co-dependent, a "fixer." You are drawn to someone who is a work in progress, so to speak. You believe that if you do things just right, he will turn around and change. I realize now you may be starting to understand that this doesn't work that way.

But unfortunately, this is a pattern of behavior you need to recognize in yourself, and you need to work on changing. This will give you some feelings of control about this situation. When you learn through counseling to let go of things that are entirely his responsibility, it will be liberating to you. And you will need these life skills whether he stays, or goes. So start now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
I want to stand by him and get him trough this, but another part of me can not breathe, feel i cant have friends see anyone do anything becuase of his worries and lack of trust
Mrscox, there are a multitude of issues going on here, so I'm going to give you the simplest, cleanest, plan for you to implement right now.

Give your marriage at least another six months; allow three months for your husbands medication to fully take affect and allow another three months to see if things get any better.

In the meantime, begin formulating a game plan for the possibility of leaving, if nothing else, this will help build your confidence and give you an objective to shoot for.

Between now and then, here's your homework; get your husband to understand that it is you who should be insecure, not him, that he is the one who violated the marriage, not you, and that you need HIM to assure you that you're secure in this marriage. Also explain to him that crying and using his insecurities from the past isn't helping you at all, you need assurances from him that he's serious about his family going forward.

T
 
  • Like
Reactions: Remains

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,427 Posts
I agree with ALL of the above.

And you need to tell him that you give him 6 months (not necessarily because you are, I don't for 1 min think you are going to take Tony's advice, but it is good advice as are all the others, but because this will give him a clear timeline to work towards) to sort himself out, to give you a life, and to get a grip on his own. He needs to allow you to breathe. He is killing your relationship. And if you don't do something about it soon you may get to a point of no return. Love gone, relationship gone. And where will you, he, your child be then? Save it for you and him and your child! You have to be tough on him to pull him out of this self destructive behaviour.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
237 Posts
He definitely needs to see somebody for IC or together for MC.

And agree with Warlock about the projection. My wife was EXTREMELY jealous at the beginning of our marriage. Toxically jealous. Of my work (if I was late, I was having an affair). Of my family (She left her family behind in Singapore - why should I still have access to my family?). Of my friends (You talk about things I don't know about! You've know them better than me...)

Ironically, SHE was the one who eventually cheated.
I don't want to HJ the thread but I'm very curious why the people who are initially very jealous eventually cheat? My WS is same. Please throw some light on this?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
I don't want to HJ the thread but I'm very curious why the people who are initially very jealous eventually cheat? My WS is same. Please throw some light on this?
Already adressed, due previous abandonement they internalize lack of selfworth, possess very low self steem, they then predict unavoidable further abandonement, so they test continually the partner (to find out how much the are worthy), they push them away, they cheat, to validate their worthiness (if they stay) only those tests are never enough because the low selfsteem is always there so they keep pushing and pushing. They prefer to abandon to be abandoned (which in their mind is again unavoidable), the cheating is almost predictable, when they are finnaly abandoned (due the cheating) they are not shocked, they "confirm" what they always "knew" (self fulfilling prophecy).
It's a cycling nightmare which start with the abandonement and subsequent low selfsteem which become a positive feedback loop. They are continuely self focused, similar to narcissistics except it's actually different from NPDs. Many BPDs behave also similarly (due abandonement issues).
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top