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My husband and I have been married 19 years. I was 19 when we married, he was 22. At the time, we weren't too bad off financially, but decided to buy a new mobile home to put on private property in the country (land inheritance from his parents) so we could save up to build a new house later.

Well...19 years later, we're still in the mobile home. We've kept it up in as good of shape as we can, and I keep it clean. But I've never gotten much into decorating it besides painting the walls in some of the rooms, because I have always been waiting to build our bigger house.

Over the years, I've asked my husband about when we could think about building. He always says its not a good time and comes up with lots of reasons he "just can't deal with that" right now. I recently brought it up again, because we've recently been able to pay off all our debt except for his car payment. We both work full time and make a modest income. We're not rich by any means, but we make enough money to afford a mortgage.

He again got defensive and says he can't understand why I can't just be happy with our current home. I said I'd like a bigger house with a basement so we can spread out and do things like having a place to do my sewing and a place to set up my music equipment (I sing just for fun). I also said I'd like to be able to have friends over more, but it's hard to entertain in our mobile home. He accused me of refusing to see how nice I have things in life in general, and my asking to build a house makes him feel like he's not a good provider. He again put me off and said "maybe in a couple of years" when he's done with his online schooling. (He's getting his bachelors degree online and his employer is paying for most of it, so I don't see why that has to put a stop to everything.) I'd buy his excuse this time if it weren't for the fact that there has ALWAYS been some excuse not to go forward with the house, and I've waited 19 years already.

I told him it's my money too! I'm not asking him to build me a house and expecting him to pay for it all himself! In fact, I make a little more money than he does. So...is it fair that he gets to make this decision for both of us, when it's my money too and I'm willing to do the leg work, meet with the builder, the bank, etc? I feel trapped!

There is nothing wrong with being ambitious and wanting a bigger house. My question is, are you pro actively looking to move upwards? Asking your husband once in a great while, does not count as being proactive. 19 years is a long time waiting!

How about buying a new house, instead of building? With the current market, it makes more sense and it is cheaper to buy a house already built. Also, the rates charged by lenders, for a house loan, are at an all time low. You could also benefit from federal housing programs, like USDA, for example.
 

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As far as being proactive, every time the subject has come up, it has always ended with "not now, but maybe after [xyz] happens..." So I wait patiently until [xyz] happens, bring it up again, lather, rinse repeat the same thing over and over. I'm waking up to the fact that "maybe someday" isn't ever going to happen unless he has a major change in his motivation and attitude.

As far as buying an existing home, we did discuss that as an option at one point. But whether we build or buy an existing home, it doesn't matter. The facts are he always gets to decide for both of us and our son that HE doesn't want to go forward with it. HE can't deal with that right now, etc.

Why is it that he gets to say no, too bad, we're not moving or building right now because HE doesn't want to, but I can't say yes, too bad, we're moving or building because I want to? I don't see how there can be a compromise on this decision.

You need to be assertive. Your marriage is not just about HIS needs. If he can not comprehend that and continues to overlook your needs and wants, perhaps its time to consider a more drastic solution.
You definitely deserve more and waiting is 19 years, is more than enough!
 
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