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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for 13 years and have been separated for 8 months. We have 3 children together. My wife said she wanted us to work on our issues individually and once we were done with that we would get back together. After 8 months of separation I have started doing all of the things my wife said I needed to do in order to repair our relationship issues:
1. Start on my medication for bi-polar - Been on medication for 2 months
2. Go to counseling - Been in counseling for 3 months
3. Go to marriage counseling - We have had about 5 sessions
4. Work on my anger issue - I took anger management classes. It was a 8 week course
5. Stop drinking - Going to a recovery program and had 32 days sober before relapse. Currently have 5 days sober.

Now I know I still have a lot of work to do and I know that I probably have not done the things listed above as soon as I should have. But now that I am doing everything possible to change myself and repair my marriage, it still does not seem to be enough. My wife is emotionally unavailable, she will not talk to me when issues arise, and she seems to change her stance on what is the appropriate amount of time I should spend around her. One day I need to be there every day for the kids, the next day she says I am there all the time and what is the point of separation if she cannot do anything without me scrutinizing her every move.

My question is how am I supposed to act towards my wife. I have tried to be very loving and expressing my feelings for her. That is not working. I am scared that If I use the 180 degree approach that it will lead to us being more estranged and will eventually lead to divorce.

Any suggestions or advice will be great.
 

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You need some patience but kuddos to you for making this effort!
Two months on meds is just a start, you probably aren't on full dosage yet.
Five sessions of marriage counseling is still skimming on the surface.
You admit to five days sober, she is going to need to see more before she can believe its real.
She is being guarded. Once your actions are as true as your words, her feelings will likely follow. Don't give up, you are doing so much.
 

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Good job making the necessary changes you've done to better yourself. Seems like you are addressing your problems and taking them seriously. I hope they will stick - the only way that they will, is if you are doing it for yourself and not anyone else. It seems like we are dealing with another confused spouse here and their is no telling what their agenda is at this time. I don't know if she is scared or worried that you will revert back to your old self. The only thing you can do is remain consistent with your progression and see if you'll get positive responses in the future.
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One day I need to be there every day for the kids, the next day she says I am there all the time and what is the point of separation if she cannot do anything without me scrutinizing her every move.

My question is how am I supposed to act towards my wife.
Be there for the kids, but back off and stop scrutinizing her every move.

Find a way to stay sober.

Once you accomplish that we'll move on to the next step.
 

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Be there for the kids, but back off and stop scrutinizing her every move.

Find a way to stay sober.

Once you accomplish that we'll move on to the next step.
Agreed. Patience. Be there as much as you need to be for the kids. Do not pay any mind to the wife for now. Just the kids and you.

Do whatever you can to limit temptation.

Why did you relapse? Was their a trigger that pushed you? If so, minimize that action. Are you still in AA?

Give your wife some time. Work on you for you. Realize that it may not fix itself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Why did you relapse? Was their a trigger that pushed you? If so, minimize that action. Are you still in AA?

Yes there was a trigger that I used as an excuse to relapse. To avoid that trigger I need to stop feeling so rejected by my wife. Not sure how to do that.
Yes I am still in AA and I will be starting a 12 step class in January.
Thank you for all of the comments. It seem like the overall answer is patience which is something I am struggling with.
 
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