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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

This is my first post. I found this while doing a search for "My wife hates me", yet that doesn't really address the issue.

Before I begin, let me say that although I know there needs to be some of what I've seen here being referred to as "Man Up", I could use a little compassion initially, please (please don't quote this line and come back with harsh words). Not looking for a pity-party but also not looking for “you’re a douche, man up” either.

I’m not sure where to start. I guess I can start by saying my UserName here is extremely accurate. Although I do not have clinical depression, not bi-polar, etc., I surely can not say that I am a happy-go-lucky person; at least not anymore.

I have definitely screwed up so many times in my life and constantly suffer the consequences. This past year I turned 40 years old and with that came many little inner twings – the kind I’ve been hoping for most of my life; the bit where you want to make changes but find yourself constantly slipping back into your old ways and wish you could have that inner bit become determined that you seem to have no communication with; I really feel that turning 40 has awoken some of that inner bit for me and so I do see the slight possibility of hope.

I say all this to admit my responsibility and faults in my present relationship.

I am a hopeless romantic and this is probably my biggest problem as a man. Those men who feel the same I am sure know all to well the constant problematic pain this brings (and I do mean “hopeless romantic” with the literal meaning, not merely romance). Too much compassion, too much passion, too weak, too much a failure in life.

I’m typing this at my sister-in-law’s kitchen table, feeling awkward as their children, sister, brothers and my daughter walk around all so happy, while we are all quite aware that last night before we went outside to light fireworks for the NYE, I asked my girlfriend of 6 years to marry me and was replied (in front of everyone – yes I know this was dumb of me and I was “asking for it”) that she would never marry me and that I am a loser.

This is not anywhere close to the first time this sort of thing has happened. And definitely not her fault. I’ve had a drinking problem for years, using alcohol to hide from pain of having every single previous relationship being cheated on, lied to, etc.., aside from the usual variety of life’s little wonderous joys of watching my parents slowly die, having a huge extended family that will have nothing to do with me, not having a completed university degree, being in serious debt, having close friends stab me in the back (and heart), so many times til I man up and defriend them until no one is left, having a genetic degenerative tooth decay issue leaving me almost completely toothless and much much more.

Before anyone jumps on the train here, know that this has been addressed – this past year I’ve gotten it under control. Of course this is still her strongest argument and I am sure will be used against me til the day I die, and bandwagon folks will point to this as the root of every single negative issue in my life, although I don’t buy it. Please, please do not focus on this.

I do know my strong points: I’m self-created. After my father passed away and I was stuck living on the coach of my mother’s retirement home and being blamed for his cancer and what-not more fun life activities, I fled. I took a vacation overseas and decided to try life there for awhile.

I got hired on at huge multi-national company in a kick-ass position – an opportunity like which I had never had before. The government of the country, however, would not allow me to get the appropriate passport chop til I met certain requirements of University degree (which I did not have and the company was fine with) and many other ridiculous stacks of paper. All of which I worked a little ingenuity to make happen – I simply was willing to do ANYTHING, to not go back to the horrible live I had been living.

So I became successful and was living my dream life, living in the part of the world I had always wanted, career on track, friends, great sex life, away from previous negative influences, learning new things, seeing new sights, etc.

Then during my last relationship there, I found out that my live-in girlfriend had been gambling away all of our money and I owed about a year back-rent (she spoke the landlord’s language, so she was responsible for meeting her and paying rent with money I’d given her – I know, yet another dumb move), sex became non-existent, she’d been cheating on me, and the CEO of our company had said something so stupid she was fired, which lead to tens of thousands of employees world-wide being hacked, my department and myself adding to those numbers.

While looking for another job, I was manipulated by my loving family who told me that my mother was on her deathbed. Realizing my relationship was done and I felt pretty fed-up, I had to come up with a scheme to get back to the USA, since I was now completely broke. I BS-ed a company back stateside to hire me and relocate me. Then after my first paycheck, I quickly took a flight south to rush to my mother’s side; only to find out she’d had a stroke with no ill-effects and was now living in a nursing home.

So there I was couch-hopping, trying to get on my feet, having nothing – no job, no place of my own, no money, etc. I began to teach martial arts again, a love of my life since I was a child, and this helped me regain a bit of confidence and self-worth and the much-needed cash-flow.

In the midst of these times I met my current girlfriend. She initiated contact via the site that Facebook replaced. My profile was extremely honest, and full of disgustingly heart-felt hopeless romantic nonsense; Chinese love poems and ballads that I had translated, etc. This, she had said, is what melted her heart.
Determined not to get into another relationship destined to fail, I was overly-honest with her in the beginning stages – saying this is who I am, what I have done, etc. And she was more than okay with it. Her biggest thing was infidelity; I was overjoyed, because that was my thing too – we’d both been on the receiving side of this and wanted what we all say we’d like: open, honest communication, affection, partnership, trust, etc. (only recently did I come to realize that this is how almost all relationships go – once you’re solidly in the muck, they act in complete opposite of these original ideals and act like it’s perfectly ok)

So this gal was at the top of her game – great career, car, house, very attractive, intelligent, sense of humor, loyal, loving, outstanding lover, etc. But there was some baggage that I’d not figure out until after years of digging. Being of Asian descent and living in a very small backwoods town in the South made her childhood a hell. And then one of her sisters was brutally raped & murdered by a serial killer. And then she found out the guy she was dating was married. And then her two other sisters, brother, and parents moved into her house didn’t work and just mooched.

I tell these details, again not for a pity-party, but to put the two of us into context; and of course, in the telling & reading, it is easier to see the signs.

We are still “together”. Meaning I live in her house and am the father to our now three year-old daughter. I’ve done quite a bit of my bargain – stopped shooting pool, stopped dancing (I use to love going to dance clubs), etc, and of course she’s done none of hers. This bit doesn’t bother me, as I’ve long since given up on expectations.

What I need to fix currently I am working on – not for her but for myself – continue to be mindful about my drinking, quit smoking, get off of caffeine, do more practicing (instead of just teaching martial arts – don’t jump on the how can you smoke and teach martial arts bandwagon; it’s traditional Chinese martial arts and if you’ve been there, then you know that they’re one of the top groups of smokers around – plus I am trying to quit this year), and work on becoming Independent – steady job (this is harder than it sounds because I can’t get low-paying jobs, getting the “over-qualified” bit and rarely do companies want to hire permanent employees these days, so I end up getting contracts), finish school (is there another field I would enjoy more with proper schooling? How can I even afford it? Etc.). There are many things I’m working on to, in general, be a better human being.

In short, I know the man up thing is simply what I have to do – but for myself. And I know how difficult it will be, as I have been trying to do so for the past few years, but doing that while putting food on the table and diapers on the butt is near impossible. But I also don’t see it changing her attitudes towards me. As many men have experienced, one mistake in a relationship = guilt trips and “the reason” for any of her repeated negative habits toward the man for the rest of your relationship.

So…I am stuck. Even if I got “all my $hit together” I can’t and don’t want to get up and leave. I am not going to entertain the thought of another man raising my daughter, and regardless I couldn’t be attractive to any woman on the planet at this point – balding, just about toothless, a child, and mucho baggage.

So I must make this work. But I don’t know how. And honestly don’t think it ever will. I’ll be stuck living in her house in a loveless relationship, always walking on eggshells, not engaging in meaningful conversation and never hearing a compassionate word.

Last night after being turned down I went into the inlaw’s guest bedroom where we were sleeping. She came in to change clothes. I shut the door and said “Honey, please at least be understanding. My mother just passed away a month ago, I have no friends or family to speak of. You and our daughter is all I have and I really just need a little love.” She looks at me and says….”#uck You” and walked out.

Needless to say, I am fairly lost, and am doing anything (well so far mainly writing this [email protected]$$ post) to not dwell on emotions as I can feel a super-cry hiding in the corners. The girls have gone shopping with the kids and left myself, and two brothers-in-law at the house, so it wouldn’t do to start crying. I’ve talked a bit about this with one of the brothers-in-law, the one who married into the family, but neither of these guys are really heart-felt conversation quality.

Advice? Doubt there’s anything I can do other than “get my $hit straight” as a means to better myself and keep my mind off of this hopeless romantic bs that has ruined my life – yes I use to do all the lil stuff – love notes hidden round the house, random surprise dates (which were always turned down), etc.

But what I wouldn’t really mind, to be downright honest, is a friend. My remaining friends are actually my students or buddies in the martial arts community – so I can’t go to them with this kind of stuff.

There’s probably so much more to say or very little at all. I don’t know. But this is long enough.

Happy New Year.
 

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Since I'm already reading a novel, I stopped when your girlfriend of 6 years turned you down for marriage. That's pretty much all I needed to see.

Try ending that failed relationship and reinventing yourself. Do new things. Learn new things. Maybe take a class that interests you. Feel better about yourself. And find some people who are more positive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
So far 91 views and only one response from someone who admittedly didn't read the whole post. I definitely appreciate thatbpguy's advice, however...I'd really like some more replies.
 

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He kinda nailed it. I stopped reading at the same point and I agree with him too.

If you want to change your situation, you have to change your situation. You can be a "hopeless romantic" and still be manly about it. This girlfriend needs to go if that is how she actually responded to your proposal.

As far as your daughter goes, get your custody sh!t in order now.

Time to move on and lose the soul sucking loser you're trying to hitch your wagon to.
 

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As you improve yourself you may find that your actions improve the relationship. However as I am finding out the relationship will undergo significant changes. Be prepared for more more honesty from your girlfriend. You may not like what she says. Keep going for your own sake.
 

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I only have one thing to contribute, and an observation.

You do a lot of reacting to situations, rather than creating situations. I'd look to that.

My contribution stems from that somewhat. It is this: you will only succeed at doing things you want to do for YOU. Any other reason will ultimately end in failure.
 

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not her fault?

if my boyfriend of 6 years had asked me to marry him in front of everyone, even if I didn't want to, I would never be so cruel as to say what she said.

I am concerned that you are still a 'hopeless romantic' at the age of 40. That ship sailed for me an awful long time ago. Women in their 30s don't want a hopeless romantic. They want a partner, an equal, someone they can rely on, someone stable and focused.

You have your martial arts and therefore something you can get your teeth into. I would suggest that you dump this b*tch and stay single for a period of time, working on yourself, being comfortable with being alone.

Relationships are not rainbows and unicorns my friend - you know this and yet you still cling on to the dream.
 

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Ok, here you go.
Be happy and people will want to be around you.
Be confident and people will be atracted to you (regardless of how you look)
Be loyal and people will confide you.
Be kind and woman will desire you
Be generous (time, money, listen) to people in need and people will admire you.
Be honest and people will trust you.
Be available and people will spend time with you.
Do good work and you will be sought after.
Face the truth of yourself and people will follow you.

Do none of this and be a loser!
 

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Since I'm already reading a novel, I stopped when your girlfriend of 6 years turned you down for marriage. That's pretty much all I needed to see.

Try ending that failed relationship and reinventing yourself. Do new things. Learn new things. Maybe take a class that interests you. Feel better about yourself. And find some people who are more positive.
:iagree:

It's all up to you now.

Go out and become someone who isn't thought of as a loser and make your ex GF realize what she missed out on!

Success is the best form of revenge

Your Ex sounds like one cruel biotech anyway! Good riddance!
 

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Ok, so you seem to have a lot of spare time on your hands. Let's start with what you have read. No More Mr Nice Guy? Married Man Sex Life? Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.? There's a good start for you. Read these three books and report back.

In the meantime, start your 180. STOP ALL CONVERSATIONS with your gf other than what relates to your child. Be a roommate. For now. We can work on 'better' later, after you have gotten your sh*t together. Make a plan to go out and do ONE THING each week alone or with friends, whether you want to or not. You had better not be your gf's babysitter while she goes out and has fun. If you are, STOP IT.

Also, you need a plan. Spend all your spare time researching colleges in your state - look up loans, grants, scholarships, work-study programs. Get that resolved NOW. IF not for the spring semester, then for the fall. At the same time, if you're unemployed or on contract, you should be spending at LEAST 5 hours a day on job searches and/or upgrading your skills to be more hire-worthy. Start there.
 

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So…I am stuck. Even if I got “all my $hit together” I can’t and don’t want to get up and leave. I am not going to entertain the thought of another man raising my daughter, and regardless I couldn’t be attractive to any woman on the planet at this point – balding, just about toothless, a child, and mucho baggage.

So I must make this work. But I don’t know how. And honestly don’t think it ever will. I’ll be stuck living in her house in a loveless relationship, always walking on eggshells, not engaging in meaningful conversation and never hearing a compassionate word.

Last night after being turned down I went into the inlaw’s guest bedroom where we were sleeping. She came in to change clothes. I shut the door and said “Honey, please at least be understanding. My mother just passed away a month ago, I have no friends or family to speak of. You and our daughter is all I have and I really just need a little love.” She looks at me and says….”#uck You” and walked out.
Dude. Seriously. You dont want to leave this?? :scratchhead: You are not stuck! You just think you are! If you dont want another man raising your daughter, then you get it arranged before you leave this soul-sucker that your daughter comes with you. QUIT DRINKING! GET A JOB! FIX YOUR TEETH! Stop making excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. This is a miserable situation you are in.. is THIS the example you want for your daughter? Is THIS how you want her to live? With a dad who seems to think its easier to be miserable, who allows himself to be disrespected and abused, and a mother who is angry and hateful?? The way she turned down your proposal...I have no words. Just...wow. Hell, I want to run away from this, and all I'm doing is reading about it!
 

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Ok, here you go.
Be happy and people will want to be around you.
Be confident and people will be atracted to you (regardless of how you look)
Be loyal and people will confide you.
Be kind and woman will desire you
Be generous (time, money, listen) to people in need and people will admire you.
Be honest and people will trust you.
Be available and people will spend time with you.
Do good work and you will be sought after.
Face the truth of yourself and people will follow you.

Do none of this and be a loser!
There is a lot of advice on this forum that is helpful and this forum has been helping me a lot lately through my problems...BUT...the above is the best advice for anyone in any situation that I've seen here!
 

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I read past the point where she said no to your proposal, but when she said "f*ck you", I knew I should have stopped earlier.

This is going no where. You can still be a father to your daughter but will never be a husband to her mother.

You already "manned up" once by getting the good job overseas. You can do this again.

When you go out to find another woman, remember that she will not know all your PAST troubles unless (a) you tell her or (b) they still trouble you. YOU control both of those.
 

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I read the whole post and the responses!

Anyone can save up a few hundred dollars in a few weeks. If you can't, you have a discipline problem not an income problem. Go cut lawns, clean houses, paint houses, whatever. For a few hundred dollars your tooth problem is fixed here . http://www.sextondental.net/sexton.asp?active_page_id=93

It will also be a nice "vacation" for you for a few days.

As far as a job goes, it's more about responsibility than income. I haven't had a job in 7 years. My wife (now Ex) never had a problem with it. I don't see that being an issue for future relationships. I own a pretty successful internet company. Whether you work for yourself or someone else, the fact that you get up every day and do SOMETHING shows responsibility.

Change the way you interpret your beliefs. If you can do that you can change your outcomes almost instantly. For example, I interpret a yellow light to mean I need to go faster to beat the red. My mother interprets a yellow light to mean that she needs to slow down to avoid a possible accident. Same reality (the light), but we interpret our beliefs differently and have different outcomes. She always avoids the danger of possibly getting into an accident or a ticket, I take the chance. Either one of us could instantly change the way we interpret the yellow light and if we did we could change our outcomes.

Make a REAL DECISION. Decision - cut off all possibilities of the past. If you really decide to quit smoking for example, there is no possibility that you will ever go back. It's over. Done. And never to be thought of again. If you decide that you and your girl are over, there is no possibility of you ever getting back with her. It wouldn't matter if she comes to you and says she's completely changed and she wants to spend the rest of her life with you - you decided it was over so it's done...forever!

Change the way you interpret your feelings. The best example of this is the feeling of fear or anxiety. People pay $13 to see a movie that scares the crap out of them. Some people will feel the same feeling and see a psychiatrist because they feel they have a problem with anxiety. The only difference is the interpretation of the feeling. The movie goer knows there is no real danger so the feeling passes soon after the movie is over. The anxiety person interprets the feeling as real danger and it follows them everywhere.

Last, pay attention to your motion and the way your body is. People that are depressed look, act and talk a certain way. People who are happy look, act and talk another way. If you "fake it" for a little while and follow the motions of a happy person, it won't take all the pain away but you WILL feel much better.

I hope this helps.
 
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