I will try to make this as short and thorough as possible. So here goes. I met my now husband about 6 years ago now. We met via mutual friends. I was immediately love struck. He was going thru his only relationship issues at the time so we ended up becoming best friends. We did everything together. I tried to convince him on a few occasions that we should date but all efforts were quickly shot down by him stating that, "It wasn't fair for him to date me when he still had feelings for someone else". Very honest and kind if you asked me..... at the time that is.
Fast forward a few months and tragedy struck. We lost my sweet amazing sister to cancer. She had been like a mother to me so, needless to say, it was a dark time for me. A few months later, I made the decision to join the military to save my life. It was the best decision I could have ever made. My best friend, husband now, hated the decision and told me it was a dumb idea. I left anyways because I knew that I had to get my life in order. I tried writing him a few time to which I got no response.
Later on, after going to training, I made a very rash and hasty decision and decided to get married to a guy I had only known for a few months. He was prince charming until the ring went on. He then became very aggressive, controlling and abusive. Needless to say, the marriage ended and I moved back to my home state. There, I reconnected with my now husband and we picked back up on our friendship like nothing had ever changed. He gave me a place to live while I was getting back on my feet and that, as if you couldn't have already guessed, slowly turned into us dating and him later proposing.
Everything was wonderful. He finally told me how, all those years before, he had always had feelings for me but had felt that he wasn't good enough for me and how when I left for the military, he thought he had lost his chance forever. When I moved back, he decided it was now or never and that was when he finally decided to pursue a relationship with me. Shortly after our engagement party, we discovered that I was expecting our first child. It was a huge surprise to everyone as, due to previous complications and surgery that had been performed to correct the issue, I had been told that I would most likely never be able to conceive. We were thrilled. We married on our chosen date as planned and welcomed our sweet baby into the world a few months later.
He was awesome in the few weeks following the birth and I couldn't have been happier and then things started to change. Now given, a month before I gave birth, he found out that his job at the company he worked for was being cutout and that he would no longer be able to hold that position but, fortunately for us, his boss offered him a different job. The job was 100% commission based but still provided him the opportunity to make just as much if not more than he had before. I stayed home with the baby and he worked, for a little while.
Slowly, as the months passed, he became moodier and moodier, giving up shifts half the time and staying at home playing games all night. I tried to be as supportive as possible and hoped that he would be just as supportive back but when I would ask for help with our child or the house, it was always the same response. "I don't understand why you need help when you're home all day. It's just a baby." It would infuriate me but then I would scold myself and convince myself that I was being whiny and unappreciative. He would always say that as soon as I started working and had a real job, then he would help me.
Well, some months later, I had to get a job because we were getting behind. Really behind. His habits of giving up shifts and wanting to play games all the time had put our finances in jeopardy. I had no problem working and ended up taking orders with my unit. Sadly, those orders took me away from home Tuesday morning until Friday night. I was so lonely during the week because I was either working all day or in a room alone at night. It was hard. I later came to discover that, while I had been on orders, he had continued to give up shifts and stay at home. And, even though he was home 3-4 days out of the week, every weekend when I got home, the house would be destroyed, all the bottles and dishes were beyond filthy and piled up, there would be pet accidents in the house that were obviously at least a few days old due to the dryness of them if you know what I mean, and he always had the same excuse. "He had been way to busy with work and taking care of our daughter. How can you expect me to be a full time dad and work full time and take care of the house?" I even ended up, later on, discovering that he had message an old girl "friend" of his and had made the comment that he was basically a single dad with a full time job. That fueled an argument in which I confronted him about all the shifts he had given up and how it was messed up that I was sacrificing time with my family every week to help bring in money for us and yet he was still at home giving up shifts and keeping us in the same financial hole that we were trying to dig out of.
It has just gotten progressively worse from there. He constantly claims that he is giving up a shift because he picked up another one yet he somehow ends up never working the shift he "picked up", he never helps around the house, never puts his clothes up or helps with the dishes or laundry yet constantly complains and gripes when he can't find clothes to wear because I never put his clothes up. When he's off, he still uses the same excuse that our child has been a handful and that is why he hasn't been able to do anything yet, two days later, he gets pissed beyond measure when I ask for help. This past month, I worked 23 days, totaling over 190 hours not including drive time while he worked 17 days totaling to 117 hours. If I even act like I am about to bring up his lack of working, he immediately gets defensive and throws a pity party about how he feels like **** that he can't provide for his family and how he has no motivation to work because he hates his job. He says that I am hateful and very unsupportive and that I make him feel worthless. He is constantly asking me to do things for him, whether it be me washing his clothes, ironing an outfit, checking his bank account, getting his tag renewed, calling the doctor, etc. He wakes up in just enough time to leave the house for work and then, from the time he gets home til the time he goes to bed, he is either on the computer or the xbox.
I could honestly go on and on but I truly don't feel like writing a novel tonight. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I get more support from my friends and family than I do from my own husband and I constantly feel like I am being mentally beaten. Everything is a double standard whether it be him being allowed to say whatever the hell he wants to me while I am supposed to bite my tongue, him feeling like he deserves to be able to sleep in and get a break every now and then while he considers my breaks the times when I'm not at work although, when I'm not, I'm taking care of my child, cleaning running errands, paying bills, etc. I can honestly say that, outside of the 3-4 days a week that he works, he takes our child to the sitters in the mornings/mid-day and he cooks. Outside of that, nothing. I cut the grass, manage the money, take care of all the bills, do the grocery shopping, care for the animals, clean the house, wash the clothes, run all the errands, make all the important phone calls, etc., etc., etc. And all of this on top of working forty plus hours a week, 50 if you count driving time.
Is something wrong with me? Am I really just heartless and unappreciative? What am I missing? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and feel free to ask me anything for clarification. I'm beyond desperate to save this but I'm terrified that I have hit my limit and that I will always resent him.
Fast forward a few months and tragedy struck. We lost my sweet amazing sister to cancer. She had been like a mother to me so, needless to say, it was a dark time for me. A few months later, I made the decision to join the military to save my life. It was the best decision I could have ever made. My best friend, husband now, hated the decision and told me it was a dumb idea. I left anyways because I knew that I had to get my life in order. I tried writing him a few time to which I got no response.
Later on, after going to training, I made a very rash and hasty decision and decided to get married to a guy I had only known for a few months. He was prince charming until the ring went on. He then became very aggressive, controlling and abusive. Needless to say, the marriage ended and I moved back to my home state. There, I reconnected with my now husband and we picked back up on our friendship like nothing had ever changed. He gave me a place to live while I was getting back on my feet and that, as if you couldn't have already guessed, slowly turned into us dating and him later proposing.
Everything was wonderful. He finally told me how, all those years before, he had always had feelings for me but had felt that he wasn't good enough for me and how when I left for the military, he thought he had lost his chance forever. When I moved back, he decided it was now or never and that was when he finally decided to pursue a relationship with me. Shortly after our engagement party, we discovered that I was expecting our first child. It was a huge surprise to everyone as, due to previous complications and surgery that had been performed to correct the issue, I had been told that I would most likely never be able to conceive. We were thrilled. We married on our chosen date as planned and welcomed our sweet baby into the world a few months later.
He was awesome in the few weeks following the birth and I couldn't have been happier and then things started to change. Now given, a month before I gave birth, he found out that his job at the company he worked for was being cutout and that he would no longer be able to hold that position but, fortunately for us, his boss offered him a different job. The job was 100% commission based but still provided him the opportunity to make just as much if not more than he had before. I stayed home with the baby and he worked, for a little while.
Slowly, as the months passed, he became moodier and moodier, giving up shifts half the time and staying at home playing games all night. I tried to be as supportive as possible and hoped that he would be just as supportive back but when I would ask for help with our child or the house, it was always the same response. "I don't understand why you need help when you're home all day. It's just a baby." It would infuriate me but then I would scold myself and convince myself that I was being whiny and unappreciative. He would always say that as soon as I started working and had a real job, then he would help me.
Well, some months later, I had to get a job because we were getting behind. Really behind. His habits of giving up shifts and wanting to play games all the time had put our finances in jeopardy. I had no problem working and ended up taking orders with my unit. Sadly, those orders took me away from home Tuesday morning until Friday night. I was so lonely during the week because I was either working all day or in a room alone at night. It was hard. I later came to discover that, while I had been on orders, he had continued to give up shifts and stay at home. And, even though he was home 3-4 days out of the week, every weekend when I got home, the house would be destroyed, all the bottles and dishes were beyond filthy and piled up, there would be pet accidents in the house that were obviously at least a few days old due to the dryness of them if you know what I mean, and he always had the same excuse. "He had been way to busy with work and taking care of our daughter. How can you expect me to be a full time dad and work full time and take care of the house?" I even ended up, later on, discovering that he had message an old girl "friend" of his and had made the comment that he was basically a single dad with a full time job. That fueled an argument in which I confronted him about all the shifts he had given up and how it was messed up that I was sacrificing time with my family every week to help bring in money for us and yet he was still at home giving up shifts and keeping us in the same financial hole that we were trying to dig out of.
It has just gotten progressively worse from there. He constantly claims that he is giving up a shift because he picked up another one yet he somehow ends up never working the shift he "picked up", he never helps around the house, never puts his clothes up or helps with the dishes or laundry yet constantly complains and gripes when he can't find clothes to wear because I never put his clothes up. When he's off, he still uses the same excuse that our child has been a handful and that is why he hasn't been able to do anything yet, two days later, he gets pissed beyond measure when I ask for help. This past month, I worked 23 days, totaling over 190 hours not including drive time while he worked 17 days totaling to 117 hours. If I even act like I am about to bring up his lack of working, he immediately gets defensive and throws a pity party about how he feels like **** that he can't provide for his family and how he has no motivation to work because he hates his job. He says that I am hateful and very unsupportive and that I make him feel worthless. He is constantly asking me to do things for him, whether it be me washing his clothes, ironing an outfit, checking his bank account, getting his tag renewed, calling the doctor, etc. He wakes up in just enough time to leave the house for work and then, from the time he gets home til the time he goes to bed, he is either on the computer or the xbox.
I could honestly go on and on but I truly don't feel like writing a novel tonight. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I get more support from my friends and family than I do from my own husband and I constantly feel like I am being mentally beaten. Everything is a double standard whether it be him being allowed to say whatever the hell he wants to me while I am supposed to bite my tongue, him feeling like he deserves to be able to sleep in and get a break every now and then while he considers my breaks the times when I'm not at work although, when I'm not, I'm taking care of my child, cleaning running errands, paying bills, etc. I can honestly say that, outside of the 3-4 days a week that he works, he takes our child to the sitters in the mornings/mid-day and he cooks. Outside of that, nothing. I cut the grass, manage the money, take care of all the bills, do the grocery shopping, care for the animals, clean the house, wash the clothes, run all the errands, make all the important phone calls, etc., etc., etc. And all of this on top of working forty plus hours a week, 50 if you count driving time.
Is something wrong with me? Am I really just heartless and unappreciative? What am I missing? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and feel free to ask me anything for clarification. I'm beyond desperate to save this but I'm terrified that I have hit my limit and that I will always resent him.