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Everyone has a right to vent. If that's all OP wants to do, then fine. Unfortunately, with no action taken to improve this situation, it will continue. All I can add is I'm very glad I'm not living this way.
 

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Everyone has a right to vent. If that's all OP wants to do, then fine. Unfortunately, with no action taken to improve this situation, it will continue. All I can add is I'm very glad I'm not living this way.
I am not venting I am asking for advice. I am married to two different men,. After I got mad at him today, he did the laundry. I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate. Love, Honor and Cherish.Right. Does everyone walk away when life isnt perfect. When do you say enough. I have been down that road and with him beginning to think of going down that road again. Not sure. I am not a door mat, I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing
 

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I am not venting I am asking for advice. I am married to two different men,. After I got mad at him today, he did the laundry. I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate. Love, Honor and Cherish.Right. Does everyone walk away when life isnt perfect. When do you say enough. I have been down that road and with him beginning to think of going down that road again. Not sure. I am not a door mat, I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing
Of course not, but your life is far from just "not perfect". You're married to a lazy, bludging alcoholic. Nothing will change until it changes - and that change will have to shatter his world to have even a chance of actually working.

You can talk until you're blue in the face, it won't make a blind bit of difference.
 

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When he is nice he is a prince, loving, caring, affectionate and life is good. The minute alcohol hits his lips I hate him.
One thing I learned a long time ago is that a person is only as good as the worse thing that they do.

Very few people are horrible all the time. After all if there were horrible all the time, they would have no one in their lives. What you are describing when your talk about man A and man B is something like the Cycle of Abuse. He's good until he feels safe to be bad. A & B are the same person. He's just using the cycle to manipulate you.


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I am not venting I am asking for advice. I am married to two different men,. After I got mad at him today, he did the laundry. I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate. Love, Honor and Cherish.Right. Does everyone walk away when life isnt perfect. When do you say enough. I have been down that road and with him beginning to think of going down that road again. Not sure.
What you describe is not a relationship that is good but has some imperfections. Your relationship is bad and then it gets worse then he's drinking, and ordering you to stop working at your job to cook him a mean, and refusing to get a job.

I am not a door mat, I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing
Being codependent does not make you a bad person. It's actually usually very good people who are codependent because they are trying to do exactly what you are doing.... whatever you need to do to keep your marriage together. And because they just keep doing, and keep giving, they are sucked into a bad situation.
 

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@mrs brady I am not a person who instantly shouts "divorce!" But in this instance, I suggest that divorce should be an option. Unless he goes to a drying out clinic and if he works hard at getting dried out. And then counselling, post nups, etc.
 

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When he is nice he is a prince, loving, caring, affectionate and life is good. The minute alcohol hits his lips I hate him.
If I didn't know any better, you are my best friend posting here.

My best friend's husband is a functioning alcoholic. She keeps waiting for him to change. It's been years. Every single weekend he gets blotto drunk. He is absent from her and their kids' lives. It's sad.

She has given him ultimatums. She has tried everything. Meanwhile, the kids have been damaged. The things that come out of their mouths should be reserved for mature adults. It's nausea-inducing.

You can't change him. Only he can change himself. The tipping point is when the bad outweighs the good and only you can decide that.

Love, honor, and cherish goes both ways, you know. I don't see much loving, honoring, or cherishing coming from him.
 

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Can he support himself on the benefits he is currently getting? Who will be paying for his booze and $20 cigars when the benefits run out? Can you afford it?

It's time to give him a wake up call as in divorce papers.
 

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So my husband, does not do much around the house, we have a gardener for the lawn. He complains about but takes out the trash once a week. Omg if he has to take in the cans poor him. I do the laundry, cook, work FT, clean the house, do the grocery shopping and pay all the bills. He smokes 20 dollar cigars and plays on his phone all day. There are tons of things needing to be fixed and he ignores our 100K pool its building up hard calcification on the sides. Yesterday we got in some packages and I asked him to take the boxes out. There they sat on the table, I said could you please take out the boxes. He said, :Its Not My Mess, its yours. My problem is I have to do everything and its getting to me. I asked what do you do? He does not even work right now. He told me he picks up dog droppings in the yard and does the dishes ( The sink is full ). I have a couple other blogs on here about him. Nothing is changing. I hope me talking to him today again will make him realize I need a partner. I am so overwhelmed with NO help I told him I need a partner, he thinks that if he doesnt make the mess he shouldnt have to clean up. He lives with me and two of my kids so I guess he thinks ME and My Kids should do everything.
some good tips in there:

 

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I am not venting I am asking for advice.

I have stuck around thinking by expecting more he will step up to the plate.

I am not co dependent, I am a good person and want to do the right thing
Uh, no. Actually, in order to get advice, you need to at least see this situation for what it is. My guess is your husband doesn't think he's an alcoholic. Just like you don't think you're codependent. And, yes, codependents ARE nice. The problem is, they're too nice. They end up care-taking, advising, giving speeches, making ultimatums, threatening, worrying, etc. In other words, they take ownership of someone else's issues.

Expectations: They'll come around and bite us in the ass every time. YOUR expectations of what you want from your husband will lead to more disappointment along the way. He's showing you who he is. Believe him. Badger him to do chores and tell him yet again to step up to the plate. He may comply for awhile. Just wait until the next time he gets a few drinks in him. My guess is he'll unleash his resentment on you.

How do I seem to know all this? I married two alcoholics. I've had a front row seat to absolute lunacy. BTW, both my alcoholic husbands are dead. Drank themselves to death. Whether you see my perspective on this or choose to reject it, that is your choice. But I know of what I speak.
 
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