[marieh]

Hello everyone...

I would like to know your opinions about this sex issue I'm having. My husband (an otherwise sweet and smart guy), really likes anal. I like anal sometimes (way less often than he does) but find it in general scary, even when I'm enjoying it (it hurts and it's potentially super painful)

So...many times I have told him I would like to do it once in a while only, and I have also told him it's scary and I like to take it slow. He listens and seems to be okay with my requests, but then every single time we have sex he tries to sneakily start having anal. As in, let's see if she'll let me (maybe he doesn't think I'll notice?). I sometimes tell him, hey, that's my ass...please get out, but he keeps trying pretending he doesn't know where he is. Sometimes I just let him do it because...I don't want to dissapoint him. But I hate it. I have cried afterwards and he feels bad and tells me it will never happen, but it does...always.

What's more, sometimes he has done anal, and then when I complained he changed to vaginal, and this caused me to have infections (several times). This is the reason why now I ask him not to change places, so when he has been angling for anal (and there has been considerable physical contact between his penis and my ass), the whole deal is ruined, because I don't want it anywhere else! But today he didn't listen to me. I said I didn't want it in my vagina after it being in my ass, and he started begging as in pleeeeeassse, pleeeasse! I kept saying "no, I could get sick!" and he just got on me and was about to do it! until I said very sternly and looking at him in the eye "I SAID NO".

After this I left very quickly and locked myself in the bathroom. I feel...I don't know. Does he even care about me, my health, my wishes? I am sad. I stayed in the shower and cried a little bit until I was sure he had left the house and now I know he'll feel guilty and apologize but nothing will change.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

That is rape. No ifs ands or buts about it.
You explained to him what was not okay, he did it anyway.
You can file a police report if you like, chances are it wouldn't be prosecuted but it will make you feel better about sticking up for yourself, and might also prove helpful for divorce depending what state/country you live in.
Read up on the rules of consent.
I am sorry, but you deserve better than to be in this marriage.
Rape is rape.
I had to divorce my husband because he also raped me.
After therapy, I decided that I would only hate myself if I stayed with a person who chose not to listen to what was okay in bed. I deserve to enjoy sex, not to spend the time in bed wondering if I am going to be raped again. That is not how marital sex should be. That is not how any sex should be! Safe (emotional and physical) sex is a basic human right - for men AND women. And you are not an exception. Nor does the fact that you are married remove your rights.
Consent Rules

 

[kingsfan]

This is a very serious problem.

Respect should be the first thing a man shows for his wife (and vice versa). I suspect the only thing you did wrong was when you said that sometimes you let him do anal anyways, even if you don't want it. I suspect that's likely happened as well when he's gone from anal to vaginal. It likely set up a precident and now he thinks if he just pressures you enough, you'll cave, because you have before.

That's his flaw though, not yours. You gave in trying to be nice (even though you regret it now) and he's taking full advantage of that. I'd suggest laying down some ground rules with him.

Firstly, tell him that you are not going to allow him to go from anal to vaginal, ever. There are many reasons, with health being the first one and the biggest. Frankly, I don't understand why he wouldn't want to protect your health as a natural instinct as a husband. I'd suggest telling him if he does it again, there will be consequences. You can decide the consequences, but cutting off sex would be a possible start.

Secondly, I'd set the rule that anal sex is for now totally up to you. He shouldn't even ask for it. Normally I wouldn't suggest going to that extreme, but clearly your husband has shown no regard for what you want and only what he wants. Until that changes, tell him he's lost the right to even try and you solely control whether or not it happens.

Thirdly, I'd point out your concern regarding the fact you were scared he'd rape you. It's a valid concern. A wife shouldn't have to yell at her husband to stop and then lock herself in the bathroom and cry, only coming out when he's left the house. That's a safety issue. Based on your post, it sounds like his demands to be satisfied are escalating, as are his forcefulness to have those needs met. This should be stopped now before it does go further.

I'd suggest a marriage counsellor immiediately. This isn't just a sex issue, it's a health issue and a safety issue and there's also a severe lack of respect and regard for you and your well-being in this relationship. Take steps to stop it now before it escalates.

 

[Hope1964]

Your husband is a jerk. If mine did that he'd be cut off from ANY sex until he got some counseling and figured out why he does that crap.

 

[marieh]

Thank you for your replies.

A little clarification...I don't think he would have raped me. I left to shower because I felt upset and sad, and didn't feel comfortable facing him. I think he is a good guy and he cares about me, I just don't think he can control himself when we are in bed.

 

[dormant]

This sounds to me like it is serious enough to bring the law into it.

911

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

Thank you for your replies.

A little clarification...I don't think he would have raped me. I left to shower because I felt upset and sad, and didn't feel comfortable facing him. I think he is a good guy and he cares about me, I just don't think he can control himself when we are in bed.

A man who cannot control himself and listen to safety/health concerns during sex should not be having sex. The bottom line is that you said no and he did it anyway. That violates the laws of consent, and is therefore a sexual assault, or in blunter terms, rape.

 

[Hope1964]

Thank you for your replies.

A little clarification...I don't think he would have raped me.

He DID rape you. You told him in no uncertain terms several times you didn't want anal penetration and he did it anyway. That is rape.

If he can 't control himself he'd better figure out how to ASAP. And you need to tell him that he needs to do so. He is being TOTALLY selfish and discounting your feelings entirely, not to mention your health.

How would you feel if you knew your daughters husband was treating her this way???

 

[iheartlife]

Is there any other area in your life that is similar to this? Obviously not this serious, or to this extent. But issues where you have to repeatedly ask him not to do something, but he still does it anyhow? Where your simple, repeated, respectful request is not honored?

Also--how old are the two of you?

 

[CanadianGuy]

Thank you for your replies.

A little clarification...I don't think he would have raped me. I left to shower because I felt upset and sad, and didn't feel comfortable facing him. I think he is a good guy and he cares about me, I just don't think he can control himself when we are in bed.

No, he's not a good guy in this case. If he cared about you he would cut this crap out and listen to what you are telling him. He needs to learn that no means no. Seriously, do not put up with this any longer. Especially going from anal to vag as it is causing infections for you. :wtf:

 

[PBear]

Your husband is an ass. If you do have sex with him, I would set some ground rules, and then enforce them. Right now, you're teaching him that your rules don't mean anything, because all he has to do is say sorry.

The rules would be something like he can ask once for anal in a given night. If you say no, then that's it. No begging, pleading, etc. No trying to sneak it in. Definitely no double dipping. Failure to abide by the rules means the end of playtime. You can take out your favorite toy and take care of yourself, he can grab the bottle of lube.

You could also create a rule that before he gets anal from you, he has to GET 5 minutes of anal from you and a toy about the same size as his penis. Again, failure to abide by the rule and cheat means the immediate end of any joint pleasures, and you can each take care of yourselves. After all, both of your asses are just as capable of being penetrated... It's only fair that he gets to understand what he's asking of you.

C
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[diwali123]

That is rape.
If my h penetrated anything after I said no he would be thrown out of the house. This is not your fault but I think you are being abused and you need help in setting your boundaries and deciding how to proceed in an abusive marriage. You could contact a domestic abuse agency or shelter and see if they will get free counseling for you.
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[momtwo4]

I find your husband's behavior appalling. He knows very well what he did, and how many times you have asked him not to. I agree that he raped you. You told him to stop, and he did it anyway. IMO, he has permanently given up the privilege of anal sex with you.

 

[AsTheStoryGoes]

If my husband ever pulled that crap with me, there would be no more sex. PERIOD. Until he got some help. You shouldn't have to go through this in a marriage, and yes..it is rape. You're in denial right now. He's NOT a good guy for doing this to you. It sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings at all, only his needs. This is your HEALTH and BODY we're talking about, not to mention your mind, this is psychologically damaging. I really hope you're able to stand up for yourself, for your own good. Put your foot down, and don't give in. You have in the past, so he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants. I'd make a stand right now and tell him you're not going to budge. Definitely set some ground rules. If he can't learn to respect you or your body, cut him off. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

 

[Zatol Ugot?]

...I just don't think he can control himself when we are in bed.

:bsflag: There is no reason or excuse that he can give to justify his behavior. If he is that lax in self control, you don't need to be with him. Anal to vaginal..??? NNNOOOO! Regardless of what your husband has seen in porn, that is a very dangerous and unhealthy thing to do. NEVER let him do that again. PERIOD.
Him not listening to you and doing what he wants is a true sign of immaturity and selfishness and it is hurting you. It needs to come to a stop now! I agree with others that counseling is definitely indicated here and at a bare minimum, you need to sit down with him outside of the bedroom, look him square in the eye and tell him that these things will not happen again. And for God's sake, do not be afraid of hurting his feelings or letting him get disappointed.

 

[2ntnuf]

Ah, I'm definitely no expert, but do you think you might need some counseling to get to the root of why you feel the need to defend this jerk?

You are the victim, not him.

 

[LovesHerMan]

Stand up for yourself! I mean that very literally. Stand up and walk away when he tries to force something on you that hurts. Anal sex can cause fissures in the rectum, and bacteria from the rectum can be transferred to the vagina, which could cause a vaginal infection.

 

[marieh]

Stand up for yourself! I mean that very literally. Stand up and walk away when he tries to force something on you that hurts. Anal sex can cause fissures in the rectum, and bacteria from the rectum can be transferred to the vagina, which could cause a vaginal infection.

i feel i need to clarify. he would never physically make me do something. he has never been violent to me in the slightest. i feel pressured and coerced, though. but he has never pinned me down or hit me or anything like that.
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[Cosmos]

If he can't be trusted (and I should imagine anal sex involves a lot of trust), I would tell him categorically that you will no longer allow him to have anal sex with you. If he doesn't care about your health, he doesn't care about you, period.

His behaviour was disgraceful, OP.

 

[Trenton]

i feel i need to clarify. he would never physically make me do something. he has never been violent to me in the slightest. i feel pressured and coerced, though. but he has never pinned me down or hit me or anything like that.
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You're right, you have not been raped but you are not being respected, heard or cared for. Your husband is willing to coerce you into feeling as if it's your obligation and it's OK to hurt you physically and emotionally without care because of his own benefit and pleasure.

Please understand that this is not the way a loving, committed relationship should be. You have to know that a man who can so carelessly disregard your health and emotional well being for his own pleasure can't possibly love you.

Please value yourself more than this and refuse to do anything that is not pleasurable for you or that has a risk of infection.

I can tell you that you deserve to be with a partner who considers your needs, tries to understand them and works with you so that you share mutual pleasure and excitement over your lovemaking. Your husband need therapy in the least.