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Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
@Mark4Pres
First thing I need to say is: "IT SUCKS WHEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU, DOESN'T IT". You cheated and now the shoe is somewhat on the other foot. I have a hard time feeling sorry for you under the circumstances. You now have an inkling of what she went through.

That being said, you don't have to sit there and accept this "friendship" if it makes you uneasy. I would just have a calm conversation and ask her to end the "friendship". If she refuses, start making it uncomfortable for them to maintain the "relationship". Stay in touch with OMW and continue to exchange information. Continue to monitor calls and communication and make sure she knows that you know how much they are in contact. If they get together to meet, show up too. Make it just uncomfortable for them to keep the "friendship". Make it more trouble than it's worth. One of two things is going to happen. Either their "friendship" will end or she will leave you. When it happened to me, I chose to go nuclear to end it, and it worked, but not every woman would react the way my wife did.

So, did your wife find out you contacted OMW? What was her reaction?
 

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She kept it secret.

Why on earth would she do that?

Because she knew she was doing something wrong.

Is this a red flag?

Yes.

But you were waving red flags in your wife's face, right?

Oh, well. Cheaters getting cheated on, it does happen.

Counselling. Any thoughts on that?
 

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My wife started talking to a guy that she kept a secret for a while. She met up with him and text him everyday for about a month. Eventually, she told me that she had a friend and the relationship was completely platonic. I didn't understand why or how she could keep this from me for so long, I just knew there was more. She told me that he was married and his wife knew they talked. So I called the wife and told her about my suspicions. She said she knew they talked, but after checking her husbands phone, she said she didn't realize they talked so much. She also thought the talk was pertaining to business.

This situation does not sit well with me at all, especially now that he knows my wife was willing to keep him a secret. My wife says that I've had issues with her having male friends in the past and she didn't know how i'd react, so she didn't tell me.

She has never cheated on me before, but I've cheated on her. Whenever I express my concerns about her continuing this relationship, we end up talking about the dirt that I've done and how that is why I have a problem. What should I do? I don't want to control her, but this does not feel right to me.
You tell her "You chose to stay with me after my cheating so this has nothing to do with my cheating. Your cheating is the issue today. And I won't stay married to you unless you end your affair. It's your choice. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just telling you what I will do. Which is divorce you if you won't give him up. You've got ten minutes to decide."
 

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OP, between ending your affair and reconciliation with your wife, how open were and accommodating with your wife were you? did you answer her questions...... as truthfully as possible?

Another painful issue are the triggers? I have told my husband he should mindful of things he says and does that can trigger memories of that period when he was carrying on inappropriately with an ex girlfriend.

Have you made an effort to identify triggers with your wife?
 

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OP, between ending your affair and reconciliation with your wife, how open were and accommodating with your wife were you? did you answer her questions...... as truthfully as possible?

Another painful issue are the triggers? I have told my husband he should mindful of things he says and does that can trigger memories of that period when he was carrying on inappropriately with an ex girlfriend.

Have you made an effort to identify triggers with your wife?
OP,

Triggers for your wife DO NOT EXCUSE HER STARTING AN AFFAIR. Yes, you should communicate, but she does not get to date men now behind your back. And going out to lunch with men without telling you and texting them is dating other men.
next will come "sexting", and then hook up if you play patsy.
 

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Some more info would be useful. How did she meet this guy ? Does he work with her ? What was the nature of your affair (doesnt sound like she is over that) ?

If she has (as you have said) been meeting up with him as well as texting & calling, for a month then this is more than an emotional affair. What do you think happens when they "meet up"? They dont play cards, I can assure you.


You need to take the excellent advice given by almost everyone on your thread and start going into a deep and covert investigation of what going on (otherwise called snooping) - see the evidence gathering thread recommended here by Weightlifter. You will get your truth soon enough (i.e. if you havent already alerted her and she takes it even further underground). Still a VAR in the CAR should be good enough to catch her with something.
 
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