[lucid_cat]

Hi all,

Late 30s female here who's been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7. Have been trying to have kids since the first year since I am older as well as hubby(same age) wanting to have kids right away.

We have tried fertility treatments for almost 3 years but to no avail and have been diagnosed with "unexplainable infertility". I got this diagnosis from multiple specialists .

My husband has always been adamant that we have kids and recently, I have confronted him where he said he will "try" to live his life without kids in the future. This has caused alot of pain and resentment in me since I already get pressure from his parents, my parents and now him for being unable to have kids.

Also sex life is almost nonexistent(2X for 2012), for the past few years it has become more of a chore than pleasure due to the schedule of monitoring my cycles and trying to get pregnant, and the evasiveness of the fertility treatments.

I am starting to question his love for me, whether he values having kids more than myself since it sounds like he won't stick around for the long term due to him wanting to have kids. He won't consider options such as adoption since he wants biological kids.

I am also wondering if I love him anymore since there is so much resentment in me for not getting a firm answer from him whether we'll stay together for the long run. And I feel like he is placing having kids above me. I feel I am only slightly better than a baby-making machine in his eyes.

We both just recently started marriage counselling but I am not optimistic he is willing to change his view on being in a childless marriage.

Any opinions and advice are appreciated.

 

[edwardsmolko485]

There are still a lot of things you can do to have a baby and this is not the time to lose hope. A kechara healing chakras sodangma is proven to help women who have problems such as this.

 

[PM1]

This is sad, I've been thinking a lot lately how unfortunate it is that society has built this pressure so that people feel that it is a failure not to reproduce. Is your husband a royal, trying to pass along the bloodline?

I have kids so I cannot relate fully, but my sister just adopted and I cannot imagine that little girl with her biological mother. It proves to me that the real failure or success is in RAISING kids, not mixing body fluids and having it "take."

"Needing" our own kids (biological) is the height of arrogance. I'm not necessarily saying that is inherently bad, I am proud of my biological kids and there is an arrogance to that, perhaps a healthy one if that makes sense. However, our last child had some health issues such that we will not have another of our own and risk worse outcomes. If we felt the need for more kids, I would hope I could see the benefits of adoption.

Look at some of the idiots who can reproduce, then compare them to proud adoptive parents who raise healthy and happy kids. Not to mention adoptive parents are not adding to the population but helping to take a kid that is already here and give them a good life.

Good luck, this sounds like such a huge stress for so many people. I hope you two find some resolution.

 

[Emerald]

I am so sorry about this.

Yes, for some, not having children is a dealbreaker. I hope he changes his mind about adoption.

I have known some men that also didn't want to adopt but once they did, they loved the child so much that they couldn't believe they used to be so against it.

 

[justonelife]

I have one biological son and one adopted son. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I love them both equally. I don't look at my adopted son as any different from my bio son. He is my son. Period. End of story. I feel that he was meant to come into my life and his bright smiling face is an absolute blessing (despite being a very challenging 4 year old, LOL!). I would recommend that your H look seriously into adoption. Talk to other people who have gone through it. I'm so sorry he is making you feel like a baby-making machine. That's not what marriage is about. Marriage should be about mutual support, love and respect.

 

[lucid_cat]

Hi Satya,

As far as I know, we've done every test that needs to be done.

I think the reality is I know he is trying to make an effort to work on our marriage, but in my heart for some reason, I feel he will grow resentful overtime and walk out.

Only time will tell at this point.

I think the stress of worrying

lucid_cat,

I'm really sorry to hear your story and I can relate somewhat. Infertility adds so much stress and worry and it really crushes your self esteem.

Out of curiosity, have either you or your hubby had genetic (DNA) testing done to rule out a genetic cause for infertility? My ex had a genetic condition that rendered him infertile but I had no idea until after 1.5 years of trying for baby.

 

[lucid_cat]

Hi PM1,
LOL, no he is not a royal but I guess in his mind and his family's mind, there are expectations. Both his sisters have 2 and 3 kids respectively so I guess my husband is trying to fit in with the rest of the family.

I agree raising kids is more important, but then to him, there are just some people out there who are not cut out for adoption.
If they're heart is not into it or not prepared for it, it won't work.

I'm not sure if I'll find a resolution, again, I'm going to marriage counselling and she is telling him that he has be prepared to be childless if he does not adopt. I see alot of resistance from him and my instinct is telling me he may agree now, but overtime, there will be growing resentment in which he'll walk out, so I am hoping my instinct is wrong.

I guess the stress of infertility is taking its toll on our marriage over time.....

This is sad, I've been thinking a lot lately how unfortunate it is that society has built this pressure so that people feel that it is a failure not to reproduce. Is your husband a royal, trying to pass along the bloodline?

I have kids so I cannot relate fully, but my sister just adopted and I cannot imagine that little girl with her biological mother. It proves to me that the real failure or success is in RAISING kids, not mixing body fluids and having it "take."

"Needing" our own kids (biological) is the height of arrogance. I'm not necessarily saying that is inherently bad, I am proud of my biological kids and there is an arrogance to that, perhaps a healthy one if that makes sense. However, our last child had some health issues such that we will not have another of our own and risk worse outcomes. If we felt the need for more kids, I would hope I could see the benefits of adoption.

Look at some of the idiots who can reproduce, then compare them to proud adoptive parents who raise healthy and happy kids. Not to mention adoptive parents are not adding to the population but helping to take a kid that is already here and give them a good life.

Good luck, this sounds like such a huge stress for so many people. I hope you two find some resolution.

 

[lucid_cat]

Hi Emerald,

I wish I saw the writing more clearly on the wall, or maybe I was just stupid back then. When we were dating at the time, in his mind, there was no doubt that he wanted to start a family right away.

Infertility has taken its toll on the both of us over time, even though he has told me he will "try" to live childless. "Trying" is not good enough for me, I am interpreting that as "if we tried and failed, I'm gone". I just can't get him to fully accept that we will be a childless couple if we don't adopt and he has trouble swallowing that.

Do you know if alot of men change their mind on adoption over time?

Are there alot of couples that breakup over infertility? It doesn't seem to be very common here on this forum since most people split due to infidelity rather than infertility.

I'm going to marriage counselling so lets hope he will change his mind, otherwise I think we will part ways.

I am so sorry about this.

Yes, for some, not having children is a dealbreaker. I hope he changes his mind about adoption.

I have known some men that also didn't want to adopt but once they did, they loved the child so much that they couldn't believe they used to be so against it.

 

[lucid_cat]

HI Justonelife

yes I am hoping he will look into it over time. I am hoping the marriage counsellor will be able to help, but then I'm not totally optimistic. I will give it my best and see how it goes.

Yes I do feel like a baby-making machine and actually feel alot of guilt for not being able to have a baby.

Again I am hoping he will accept adoption....

I have one biological son and one adopted son. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I love them both equally. I don't look at my adopted son as any different from my bio son. He is my son. Period. End of story. I feel that he was meant to come into my life and his bright smiling face is an absolute blessing (despite being a very challenging 4 year old, LOL!). I would recommend that your H look seriously into adoption. Talk to other people who have gone through it. I'm so sorry he is making you feel like a baby-making machine. That's not what marriage is about. Marriage should be about mutual support, love and respect.

 

[costa200]

Stop trying and have unprotected sex for fun... MORE OFTEN!

Seriously, stop obsessing over fertile periods and that crap. If you have sex often enough you will get pregnant eventually if there is truly nothing wrong with the both of you.

Stress is not good for fertility. There is a very proverbial knowledge in fertility clinics that when couples give up they often end up pregnant right after it.

Do you know if alot of men change their mind on adoption over time?

I know i wouldn't be interested in adoption. I have no interest in raising kids that ain't mine. Don't count on him changing his mind on this. This is a politically incorrect thing to say and if he said it he does mean it.

 

[gbrad]

Some people could be prone to changing their mind about adoption, but not all will. Right now I am adamantly against adoption and as a result I may never have children of my own. In all honesty, the idea of that eats me up inside. I want kids more than I can describe, but I have no guarantee that will happen.