Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 37 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi,
I've been married to a lovely man for 13 years and we have 3 kids. I never found my husband sexually attractive, but in the first few months sex was fun because we were new to each other. However, I soon resigned myself into thinking that I was just a kind of person who wasn't into sex, although we have always had a regular sexlife. Then a few years ago I met a man that I found incredibly sexually attractive. Nothing happened between us. But I had never felt like that before and I realised that I DO have sexual feelings, and that I CAN fancy a man immensely. But I don't fancy my husband at all. Ever since then I have found it hard to have sex with my husband although we continue to have sex 3 times a week. I dream of having a sensual relationship with a man that I find sexually attractive, and I don't want to live for the rest of my life without that. On the other hand, my husband is a kind and good man, and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I have so far not felt any strong sexual attraction to any other man since. (That particular man is not available to me, even if I got divorced). What can I do?? :confused: Has anyone been in a similar situation? Hope you can help, thanks!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Three kids and you just figured all this out ? Does he also support you ? Best get attracted to him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
coco..is there a reason that your husband is not attractive to you? does he have bad hygiene? does he not show you attention outside of the bedroom?

The other guy is a fantasy. PERIOD. He may have been someone you found attractive..but he may not have all the other qualities that your dear husband has.

You say he is a lovely man. If he is a loving man too, then maybe you can sit him down and tell him your libido is lowering (no need to crush him with the fact you found someone else attractive) and tell him you need to work on things to make it a bit more exciting for you.

Look at one thing each day about your husband and think about it. does he have beautiful eyes? fixate on that..nice bum? even better:rofl: anyway fixate on ONE thing positive about your husband a day..I promise in a few weeks..you will be WAY more attracted to him!!!;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
Hi,
I've been married to a lovely man for 13 years and we have 3 kids. I never found my husband sexually attractive, but in the first few months sex was fun because we were new to each other. However, I soon resigned myself into thinking that I was just a kind of person who wasn't into sex, although we have always had a regular sexlife. Then a few years ago I met a man that I found incredibly sexually attractive. Nothing happened between us. But I had never felt like that before and I realised that I DO have sexual feelings, and that I CAN fancy a man immensely. But I don't fancy my husband at all. Ever since then I have found it hard to have sex with my husband although we continue to have sex 3 times a week. I dream of having a sensual relationship with a man that I find sexually attractive, and I don't want to live for the rest of my life without that. On the other hand, my husband is a kind and good man, and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I have so far not felt any strong sexual attraction to any other man since. (That particular man is not available to me, even if I got divorced). What can I do?? :confused: Has anyone been in a similar situation? Hope you can help, thanks!!
I do know exactly how you feel. It's a tough position to be in for sure. I'm kind of in the same situation myself. I don't have any answers, but I did want to let you know you're not alone in the way you feel. :)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
I can't understand how you got together and stayed together if you weren't sexually attracted to him. Was he your first? If so, that may explain it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
I have to say that originally my husband was not "my type" I did not have an overwhelming urge to rip his clothes of. He is a nice looking man...but he is shorter and blonder and has blue eyes..something I have never been attracted to. (by short..5'10"...I was used to dating 6'2 and the last before my hubby..6'7") and both, as my first husband..dark eyes and hair.
I should not call him short as I am 5'3,, but shorter men was not attractive to me..nor was his fair skin and blonde hair.

now. i look at him and he is the most beautiful creature on the planet...I love his strong large chest...his piercing blue eyes..and his all encompassing love of me.

believe me. if you love him dearly..you can FIND that attraction to him...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
363 Posts
i think you need to find a way to communicate your feelings with him. or offer suggestions of what your attracted to.
i think this is mostly a mind thing, where there are behavioral things that could be at work here.

is he fit? does he work out?
are you not physically attracted to him? and what was it about thie other guy that was? his unavailability?

there are ways of transfering some of what the mystery man had onto your husband. but hell need help. you have to be willing to hellp him.


i would also venture to say that the newness and myster about your husband is what made sex great in the beginning. that there are elements that can be reintroduced to re kindle that spark.

sometimes after a while, when comfort sets in, it goes away, or it seems like you were never attracted to him to begin with...but you were...


find out what those things were, and make sure its just not the newness thing, because youd be in for a wolrd of hurt if it was and youleft your husband for somehting like that, simply because it always wears off...




also, it could be possible that your husband has become too beta, and needs to find a why to recharge that area of your marriage...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
This is a very helpful thread. Sometimes I think my wife doesn't find me sexually attractive. Recently I started working out and getting in better shape and I noticed that our sex life improved.

This will be a great encouragement for me to continue exercising.

Maybe you could buy your husband Insanity or P90X ;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Hi all. I haven't been logged on for a long time and didn't know you guys had posted all this! I'm so grateful, your comments are very helpful. WHat's happened since my original post is that I eventually told my husband I didn't fancy him anymore and that I didn't feel the love I wanted to feel in an intimate relationship. We had a major crisis because of this and my husband changed his life completely. He re-focused on things that are important to him, and started exercising and socialising. He's personally in a good place now (apart from our marriage issues) However, my feelings for him did not change despite this and despite couples counselling. We are now staying together for the sake of our children and do not have sex anymore. We got on well and are friends. I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to begin again in a few years time.... not the best solution, but I can't feel something that just isn't there. Hope you're all doing better than I am! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
305 Posts
Would you care if he got his needs met elsewhere?

Hi all. I haven't been logged on for a long time and didn't know you guys had posted all this! I'm so grateful, your comments are very helpful. WHat's happened since my original post is that I eventually told my husband I didn't fancy him anymore and that I didn't feel the love I wanted to feel in an intimate relationship. We had a major crisis because of this and my husband changed his life completely. He re-focused on things that are important to him, and started exercising and socialising. He's personally in a good place now (apart from our marriage issues) However, my feelings for him did not change despite this and despite couples counselling. We are now staying together for the sake of our children and do not have sex anymore. We got on well and are friends. I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to begin again in a few years time.... not the best solution, but I can't feel something that just isn't there. Hope you're all doing better than I am! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
Hi all. I haven't been logged on for a long time and didn't know you guys had posted all this! I'm so grateful, your comments are very helpful. WHat's happened since my original post is that I eventually told my husband I didn't fancy him anymore and that I didn't feel the love I wanted to feel in an intimate relationship. We had a major crisis because of this and my husband changed his life completely. He re-focused on things that are important to him, and started exercising and socialising. He's personally in a good place now (apart from our marriage issues) However, my feelings for him did not change despite this and despite couples counselling. We are now staying together for the sake of our children and do not have sex anymore. We got on well and are friends. I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to begin again in a few years time.... not the best solution, but I can't feel something that just isn't there. Hope you're all doing better than I am! :)
So, he has your complete permission to get his needs met elsewhere, right? And you pull your full weight for the household financially, right?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
I wouldn't mind at all!! In fact, I would like for us to have an Open relationship but my husband is against it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I am the main carer for our children, do the majority of the housework, plus work 25hours a week.... not that I need to justify myself - my husband and I get on and agree on how things are divided...
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,529 Posts
Before you told your husband that you are not attracted to him, how many hours a week did the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing thinkgs that you both enjoy?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Before you told your husband that you are not attracted to him, how many hours a week did the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing thinkgs that you both enjoy?
Good question. We never did anything together apart from watching tv for an hour before bedtime. We know where we lost our "togetherness", it's when we settled down in one place after having moved around a lot from place to place year after year. Our moves were our projects that bonded us together. But although we've talked about moving again to try to rekindle things, I feel deep down that it won't help, it's too late for me. I see him so differently now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I'm surprised he is still with you. I wouldn't be. Just being honest.
And my close friends are surprised that I'm still with him!! The reason is the kids. We have a responsibility towards our kids which is more important than getting our needs met. This is how we feel, and we can cope with the situation since we get along.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
I was/am in similar situation as your husband. My wife told me about 10 years ago that she was not attracted to me and would no longer be having sex with me. We had four young kids at the time and we agrred to stay together for the kids. I think it would have been better for the kids to have happy divorced parents then unhappy married parents. We have one kid left to finish highschool and have now told her I think it is time for the divorce.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,974 Posts
What a mess Coco. Hindsight is 20/20 and it's apparent now that you gave up too much for the mirage of safety.
 
1 - 20 of 37 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top