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We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.

She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.

I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:
 

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Well what steps have you tried to get her to lose weight? You said you mentioned it once like 20 years ago. Was that all you've done? Have you talked to her about it since then?? Does she know why you won't have sex with her?
 

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We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.

She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.

I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:
really you love her to death?

time to move on she isn't interested in losing weight and life is too short to be tied to someone you will most likley be a caregiver to because she didn't take care of her self properly.all while being sexually neglected.


what are you getting out of this marriage?
 
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We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.

She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.

I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:

After she had your son, her hormones could of changed and never bounced back.

Menopause?

Bad thyroid? See a Doctor for a full physical.

Only she can want to lose the weight and get in shape. If she doesn't want to, she will get bigger, obese, etc.

I don't blame you for not being attracted to larger women. I am the same way. I love my wifee but she is similar to your wife. I have been weight training and eating mini meals every 3 hours and Intermittent Fasting getting awesome results, but she does nothing.........:rolleyes:
 

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I love my kids to death, I love my parents, I love my siblings... Doesn't mean I find them physically attractive and want to have sex with them. Your wife needs to understand that love and physical attraction are only loosely coupled. If you stopped showering daily, she probably wouldn't want to have sex with you on a regular basis either.

C
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Have you talked to her about this?

What about MC?

I've gone from a size 8-10 to a 14-16 since we got married, and sometimes I ask hubby about my weight, but he always says it doesn't affect him. We'll see, though - the next chapter we have to do in His Needs Her Needs is the one about a mans need for his wife to be physically attractive! We certainly don't have a sexless marriage, though. If my hubby EVER told me he didn't want sex with me because I was too fat, I'd probably have a good cry and then buckle down and starve myself or something to fix the problem.

He isn't a tiny person by a long stretch either, though.
 

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I have a thread in the private members section dealing with this exact issue. Not going to go into why she's fat, the fact is, she is. Is her weight a deal breaker for you? Is the lack of sex a deal breaker for her? Do you foresee a time when empty nest means a return to romance or a complete end to the marriage as a result of her weight and the lack of sex subsequent to her weight?

You're going to have to decide where you draw that line. You're going to have to communicate that line to her. She wants sex, you want to be attracted to her. Neither of you are getting what you want. Neither of you are willing to simply accept and make the best of it. Where does this end?
 

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We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.

She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.

I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:
If you love her, you would make LOVE to her and also get her to join you in some physical activities. Work it so you are not correcting her, but rather you are doing an activity together.

I don't think it's fair that you shut your wife out of sex, even if you are not "attracted". It's your wife and if you say you LOVE her, you would please her in that way.

If your not popping strong erections due to her size, let her give you oral at first and get right into the sex act.

It's definately going to be better than nothing for you. ANd by the way, you are a physical trainer, your test levels and sex drive will decline with lack of use. As you get older, it's not something I would mess with....
 

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I know this goes against popular opinion of this board...but I could never turn down my wife for intimacy. It's essential to any marriage. If I did I would just have to accept it when somebody else would take on that responsibility.

Your case is different because you are not attracted to her. But I honestly don't equate witholding sex to gaining weight. I think one is more of a betrayal than the other.
 

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We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.

She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.

I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:
Going from size 6 to a 24 is not normal even over that many years. Has she ever been checked for the medical issues that cause extreme weight gain. Does she eat thst much and get no exercise at all. I mean eat bon bons on the couch every day.
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She let herself go and needs to lose weight and get in shape.

You don't find her physically attractive because of her letting herself go.

In any marriage, you are to take care of yourself and your other half.

If she's not willing to take care of herself, then its her laziness and fault and not his.

He is taking care of himself. She isn't.:rolleyes:
 

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I realize it may be off the wall but at this point why not be honest with her? You love her but her weight is a physical turn off to you. It sounds as though you are in a position to help her should she choose to address it.
 

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He would make love to his own wife, but he would also have him join him in the gym or some physical activities such as dance, working in the yard, being on your feet all day at a concert.

If he makes it so he's correcting or fixing her she is not going to like that so much.
 

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If she truly loved him, she would of taken care of herself for her health and sex appeal instead of letting it go. He has for his health and for her, so why is she so special and different? She isn't. Both are adults.
 

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I think it is cruel and insensitive to deny your spouse intimacy and affection. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot. Men HATE being shut off, it makes us look rediculous for being married.

He needs to communicate the fact that if she loses some of the weight that she gained that he would desire her much more.

But in the interim, he still needs to give her some quantity of sex and affection. It's for his own good, because as we get older what we don't use we lose, and I would hate to lose my sex drive and vitality and pray that it returns!
 

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I think it is cruel and insensitive to deny your spouse intimacy and affection.
And I think it's cruel to marry someone, gain 80, 100, 125 lbs, and expect your spouse to overlook that and maintain the same sexual attraction they had for you when you married.

Look, there are probably dozens of threads like these going on...in fact, I started one myself as my very first thread on TAM http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61910-husband-has-gained-100-lbs.html. Here's how they pretty much all turn out:

OP complains about excessive weight gain (we're not talking 10-20 lbs here), while OP has worked hard to stay in good shape and maintain attractiveness within reasonable expectations.

Spouse does nothing but gain weight...maybe a few feeble attempts to diet or exercise which are short lived.

OP tries everything they can to encourage spouse to lose weight: they shop, they cook, they exercise and invite spouse to go along, they nag, they beg, they play cheerleader. But spouse keeps gaining, or at least doesn't lose any weight.

OP loses attraction to spouse, because spouse no longer even resembles the person they married.

Sex becomes less spontaneous, less exciting, less experimental, less passionate...largely due to the fact that the obese spouse cannot participate in certain positions, get too tired holding a certain position, it hurts their knees, their back, they can't lay on top of their spouse anymore because they would literally crush them. Even something as simple as changing positions during sex becomes an ordeal.

OP loses interest in sex because of the above. OP is sexually frustrated and resents that the weight has caused their sex life to take a nose dive.

OP looks to the future and sees himself becoming a caregiver to his spouse, while other couples their age are retired, traveling, and enjoying life (and still having great sex).

OP posts his/her story, only to be told that they are 1) shallow for allowing his/her spouse's weight to become a turn off 2) at fault for not meeting some emotional need of obese spouse, therefore obese spouse is forced to cope with food 3) not doing enough to "make" his/her spouse eat better, exercise, and lose weight 4) being selfish and insensitive and even unloving by having these feelings about their spouse's weight gain

I have said it and said it and said it...NO ONE CAN OR WILL LOSE WEIGHT UNLESS THEY WANT TO!! I don't care who buys the food, cooks the food, who goes to the gym or not...I cannot force feed my husband. I cannot take the fork away from him if I think he's had too much. I can't be there to snatch his dollar bill from the vending machine before it slips in and changes into a bag of M&Ms and a Coke. I cannot strap him to my back and go for a walk and make his legs move with mine so he will get some exercise. I cannot express how absolutely infuriating it is to be told that my H's weight gain is somehow due to a lack of effort on MY part, or that if I simply do those things mentioned above, some lightbulb will go on above his head and suddenly he'll put on a jogging suit and take off running to the grocery store to buy a salad.

In the end, you have to let your spouse know how much it bothers you and how it affects you. If they suddenly wake up and do something about it and take FULL responsibility to do lose weight and get in better shape, great...you have something to work with. If not, which is usually the case, you have to decide if you can live with it the rest of your life or not. If you can't, it's a deal breaker and you leave. It sounds harsh, but that's what it boils down to.
 

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And I think it's cruel to marry someone, gain 80, 100, 125 lbs, and expect your spouse to overlook that and maintain the same sexual attraction they had for you when you married.

Look, there are probably dozens of threads like these going on...in fact, I started one myself as my very first thread on TAM http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61910-husband-has-gained-100-lbs.html. Here's how they pretty much all turn out:

OP complains about excessive weight gain (we're not talking 10-20 lbs here), while OP has worked hard to stay in good shape and maintain attractiveness within reasonable expectations.

Spouse does nothing but gain weight...maybe a few feeble attempts to diet or exercise which are short lived.

OP tries everything they can to encourage spouse to lose weight: they shop, they cook, they exercise and invite spouse to go along, they nag, they beg, they play cheerleader. But spouse keeps gaining, or at least doesn't lose any weight.

OP loses attraction to spouse, because spouse no longer even resembles the person they married.

Sex becomes less spontaneous, less exciting, less experimental, less passionate...largely due to the fact that the obese spouse cannot participate in certain positions, get too tired holding a certain position, it hurts their knees, their back, they can't lay on top of their spouse anymore because they would literally crush them. Even something as simple as changing positions during sex becomes an ordeal.

OP loses interest in sex because of the above. OP is sexually frustrated and resents that the weight has caused their sex life to take a nose dive.

OP looks to the future and sees himself becoming a caregiver to his spouse, while other couples their age are retired, traveling, and enjoying life (and still having great sex).

OP posts his/her story, only to be told that they are 1) shallow for allowing his/her spouse's weight to become a turn off 2) at fault for not meeting some emotional need of obese spouse, therefore obese spouse is forced to cope with food 3) not doing enough to "make" his/her spouse eat better, exercise, and lose weight 4) being selfish and insensitive and even unloving by having these feelings about their spouse's weight gain

I have said it and said it and said it...NO ONE CAN OR WILL LOSE WEIGHT UNLESS THEY WANT TO!! I don't care who buys the food, cooks the food, who goes to the gym or not...I cannot force feed my husband. I cannot take the fork away from him if I think he's had too much. I can't be there to snatch his dollar bill from the vending machine before it slips in and changes into a bag of M&Ms and a Coke. I cannot strap him to my back and go for a walk and make his legs move with mine so he will get some exercise. I cannot express how absolutely infuriating it is to be told that my H's weight gain is somehow due to a lack of effort on MY part, or that if I simply do those things mentioned above, some lightbulb will go on above his head and suddenly he'll put on a jogging suit and take off running to the grocery store to buy a salad.

In the end, you have to let your spouse know how much it bothers you and how it affects you. If they suddenly wake up and do something about it and take FULL responsibility to do lose weight and get in better shape, great...you have something to work with. If not, which is usually the case, you have to decide if you can live with it the rest of your life or not. If you can't, it's a deal breaker and you leave. It sounds harsh, but that's what it boils down to.
Good counter argument to the "my spouse has gained alot of weight and I'm no longer sexually attracted" situation.
 
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