[Wishes]

You are gutsy for posting here.
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"Gutsy? Wouldn't "stupid" be a better word?

 

[ConanHub]

"Gutsy? Wouldn't "stupid" be a better word?

Nope. I respect someone who posts here and owns their shyt.

Take time and stick it out.
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[eric1]

"Gutsy? Wouldn't "stupid" be a better word?

That's a pretty good one.

You're going to get raked over the coals to be sure, but I recommend reading LosingHim's thread. She's probably the best former wayward that I've read in the years of reading infidelity websites.

She accepts her faults, and folks here don't let her do otherwise. There are other sites out there which will look to rug sweep what you've done, but you're lucky you've stumbled upon here. It's just like going to the gym for the first time in a long time, you're GOING to come home feeling like crap. But the next day it gets easier, and the day after that even better.

I mean this in a very sincere way, but you need to first accept that you did not do a bad thing, but that you are a bad person. We all have the capability of doing bad things in us. You truly need to figure out what it was that made you do what you did. You need to do this before you even consider starting a relationship with someone else, much less the guy whose life that you decimated.

Would you rather get treated with kid gloves, or would you really want to get helped? I don't consider you coming back stupid at all. I was ready to come into this thread and dump on you some more, but you had the guts to post again. Good for you.

 

[Decorum]

I don't know if you are the WW referenced by DoneGone in another forum but... DoneGone showed some text messages were the OM went on a tear against your husband. Frankly he (the OM) sounded like an obnoxious jerk. (yes, I'm well aware that jerks are attractive to women)

Was this part of the "schtick" he engaged in - putting your husband down? Your husband read the emails/texts between you two so I'm curious if that was a recurring theme for you.

Also if you are the WW in question I have to ask...what in the world were you thinking by involving your daughters in all this? They should never been exposed to any of this.

Taking pleasure in degrading and humiliating her husband.

Willingly harming her daughters to further harm her husband.

Exposing the most intimate details of her husband to another man as fodder for his ridicule, and that to another man who is owning his wife sexually.

Women are not wired to harm those they care for.

Whatever wires DG's wife (whomever she is) was running on, it had nothing to do with genuine love.

Subsequent maudlin sentimental ruminations prove nothing but a heightened level of self-delusion or a real world lack of empathy.

Sometimes fantasy is better than reality.
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[Evinrude58]

Well,
I haven't read the other forum's post yet. Never been there. But it's obvious by her lack of a negative response that she's the WW in question.

Certainly a person can choose to do right. I personally think that behavior like this says a lot about a person's true character. But we all have lousy character in one form or another. What we do about feeding the good parts of us and starving the bad parts is what counts the most.

I hope the OP has chosen to starve the bad and feed the good. If so, I encourage her to continue this. I also encourage her to take some healing time, and move on with her life as far as relationships. The one she is "wishing" for was killed by her own hand. I don't think anything less than the healing hand of God can renew this marriage.

I will say that just typing up a post about how sorry she is, and then never discussing it again alludes to a possible ulterior motive for the post to begin with.

 

[MattMatt]

Well,
I haven't read the other forum's post yet. Never been there. But it's obvious by her lack of a negative response that she's the WW in question.

Certainly a person can choose to do right. I personally think that behavior like this says a lot about a person's true character. But we all have lousy character in one form or another. What we do about feeding the good parts of us and starving the bad parts is what counts the most.

I hope the OP has chosen to starve the bad and feed the good. If so, I encourage her to continue this. I also encourage her to take some healing time, and move on with her life as far as relationships. The one she is "wishing" for was killed by her own hand. I don't think anything less than the healing hand of God can renew this marriage.

I will say that just typing up a post about how sorry she is, and then never discussing it again alludes to a possible ulterior motive for the post to begin with.

Maybe she has said all she can think of for the moment?

I am sure Wishes will answer questions when she feels able.

 

[Marduk]

"Gutsy? Wouldn't "stupid" be a better word?

Look. What do you want?

You're not likely going to get him back. You screwed him over royally, and if you want him to be happy because you love him, you'll stay far away from him.

So you wanting him back is not loving him. It's loving yourself.

Which is basically all you said in your diatribe. That you are sorry for yourself and are hurting and want him back.

Step one for reconciling is realizing that you made a mistake.

That implies that you know you made a mistake, and why you made it.

I don't see any evidence that you know either. I just see evidence that your comfy world went away and you want it back.

So start there. Why did you have an affair?

And why do you think you deserve a second chance?

Those are real questions that deserve real answers, not that you want someone to fix your mistake for you.
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[Be smart]

I never read other forums,TAM is the best option for me and you can really find the best answers,support,gentle and hard comments or anything like that. What is even better is that TAM members are so open about their opinions and I respect that. I learned a lot just reading some of the threads.

I really wish this Lady learned her lesson and she will never do this again. Maybe she can try and be a better mother,better role for her kids.

I still cant belive about this thread on other Forum. Please say it was another "troll post".

Noone deserves this kind of hurt,pain and betrayel. My ex-fiance hurt me a lot,but I would never wish her this things you did My Lady.

Stay strong and work on yourself to become a better person. Your kids are going to need you and their father,your ex-husband is going to be in your life for so long.

 

[MattMatt]

Sometimes, well, perhaps often, people who struggle to cope with infidelity are the infidels themselves...

 

[donny64]

What a damn tragedy. Especially if Wishes is in fact DoneGone's WW. I read the entire forty-some pages over there. Guy seems like everything she said he was. Stand up guy, devoted to family, adored her, would have walked through fire for her. Good provider, and they had a great relationship by both their accounts. Not a doormat type nice guy (seems he didn't have anything to even be upset about with her until he discovered the cheating), but a good guy, and was completely blindsided. Thrown away for sex with and compliments from a loser who sat on his azz without a job for 12 years playing x-box while his wife supported him, and who now spends time splitting living between his mother's garage, and in his car. Walking down the street with his x-box begging friends to let him use their Wi-Fi. In the OM and OMW case, that relationship appeared pretty screwed up due to OM being a worthless POS, and the OMW likely got exactly the motivation she needed to escape that loser, but Wishes and her H had something good going. Above average to be sure. And thrown away over what? A dopamine rush.

Thanks for posting Wishes. I often visit these forums to keep myself centered on relationship issues. Recently an "opportunity" presented itself to me when a very attractive female I'd not personally known, but knew of for years, and who was on the fringes of my main circle of friends planted a semi-drunken kiss on me one night. And I stopped it. Took a second to even register what was happening, myself being not quite sober, but by that time, it was done. Brushed it off and wrote it off. Months later, she made very clear to me that if I wanted to, she was very interested, and willing. I was fighting the first stages of the "fog". I knew I couldn't and wouldn't, but man, the thoughts were there, buried in the back of my brain somewhere. Not too hard to see how the fog can come about, and snapping out of it is not easy. Never thought I'd ever be in that position, as I never pursue anyone, and make it quite clear I'm "not that guy". But when presented with an aggressor, and taken by surprise, my guard was down momentarily. But snap out of it I did. Your story, and DoneGone's story are a very serious exclamation point on why I snapped out of it. I could not bear the thought of bringing that kind of pain into the life of the most wonderful woman I've been blessed to be with. She is irreplaceable. One in a million. And I'm thankful every day I was able to snap myself out of my little mini-fog before anything happened that I'd have regretted for the rest of my days.

 

[SoulStorm]

I never read other forums,TAM is the best option for me and you can really find the best answers,support,gentle and hard comments or anything like that. What is even better is that TAM members are so open about their opinions and I respect that. I learned a lot just reading some of the threads.

I really wish this Lady learned her lesson and she will never do this again. Maybe she can try and be a better mother,better role for her kids.

I still cant belive about this thread on other Forum. Please say it was another "troll post".

Noone deserves this kind of hurt,pain and betrayel. My ex-fiance hurt me a lot,but I would never wish her this things you did My Lady.

Stay strong and work on yourself to become a better person. Your kids are going to need you and their father,your ex-husband is going to be in your life for so long.

Unfortunately it's true

 

[alte Dame]

As the pages multiply, it looks like she might be the WW that people suspect. If so, I think she should do her ex a favor and stop posting. She can get help in many, many ways. Right now, DG has been pointed to 'another forum' and told that she is in sorry shape. Since he is a very decent man, he has shown some concern about this. He has moved on in a healthy way, it appears, and him reading this could set him back.

If Wishes truly loves him and not just herself, I think she should let him have his peace on these forums. There are other places for her to go.

(Just my opinion, although I realize that it most likely won't be popular.)

 

[gpa]

Well i also visited dg's thread. After 46 pages in one of his last messages revealed that his ww lost her parents and diagnosed with cancer right before the affair. That alone for me explains a lot for her selections and choices she made.

 

[Tron]

"Gutsy? Wouldn't "stupid" be a better word?

No, not stupid. There is a hint of desperation in the tone of your posts though...desperate times call for desperate measures. Sounds cliche, I know. You posted for a reason. What you've been doing isn't working.

Are you interested in becoming something better than what you were? What you are now isn't good enough.

Simply wishing for your XH to come back to you and reboot the relationship to before the affair is not going to happen. What you did cannot be undone.

There have been a few success stories here, some couples that tried again, got back together but didn't make it and a lot of divorces.

Your XH believes that you are a weak person, that you can't handle the scrutiny.

In order to become a woman worthy of your ex, you will need to scrutinize everything.

Do you want to keep reading or do you just want to crawl into a shell and wallow in self-pity?

It's up to you really.

 

[Iver]

Well i also visited dg's thread. After 46 pages in one of his last messages revealed that his ww lost her parents and diagnosed with cancer right before the affair. That alone for me explains a lot for her selections and choices she made.

I believe she ran into the POS at her mothers funeral. Think how different her life would be if it wasn't for this off chance meeting.

It's not an excuse but it does explain a lot. At a real low point in her life and then have the bad fortune to meet a PUA.

Again...not an excuse.

 

[ing]

Nope. I respect someone who posts here and owns their shyt.

Take time and stick it out.
Posted via Mobile Device

I am not sure why there is a connection to the SI thread. I have just read it and what strikes me is that they take so long to get to the damned point.

Wishes.
This site is not about being nice. It is about reality. If your husband had posted here he would have been hit with the TAM 2x4 just as hard and you would have been divorced quicker.

I know you think you are being remorseful and truthful but you really aren't. You are pretending to be and because of that you are getting your a.ss kicked.

The reason you had an affair?

You wanted to.

The reason you lied, manipulated and continued to have the affair?

You wanted to.

It really is that simple. Anything else is just disrespectful to your Ex Husband and your children.

Own it. You made choices because it felt good. You enjoyed it at the time.

25 years is a long time, you grew up together, you went through a lot together. You had a future planned set out when you were young. Perhaps a few dreams got broken along the way. That's life.

You gave him no choice except to Divorce you and start again if he was to regain any self respect.
Stop with the hand wringing. Go through every action and be honest. Tell yourself the truth.

Without that there is no end to the pain.

 

[TheTruthHurts]

Loss triggers a lot of people to have affairs. Life and death, you know. A cancer diagnosis can f up your perspective immediately. I've got the C and it has impacted my perfect relationship too.

It explains a lot actually. Anyone who has not been there should not judge - in the way that someone who hasn't been betrayed shouldn't judge the "wimpy" and "pathetic" responses BS exhibit on TAM as they process their loss, grief, etc.

I haven't read the other thread and am not inclined to. In on with the understanding it is really, really bad. Like sucks sometimes as it does now for OP and her EXH and kids.

Moving forward - that's something I am currently struggling with...

 

[Evinrude58]

I've read the other thread and the email exchange. OP just wanted some strange.
Sadly, by her own admonition, she miscalculated her dumbo ex husband. Not only did he love her deeply, he loved her purity and his dignity as well. It appears the guy is quite a man--- and a man of strength in dealing with this.
OP is quite a woman, as well. It seems she just had a weakness.
She chose....................poorly.

After reading this story, I feel unable to continue with this thread. It's too heartbreaking. I have my own troubles, and this type of thing is too hard to read. I've been thinking very hard on all the time I spend on TAM and hoping I can put this forum behind me.

One thing I've gleaned from this thread and others. There does seem to be something going on if this thread is real. The BS seems to find someone that is a major trade-UP after they get over the ex WW. I know I have. Good luck to all, including the OP. Even though I'm a betrayed spouse, I do see that she just had a weakness. Everyone has them, it's a sad thing for her that her one weakness cost her such a loving husband.

 

[jsmart]

That thread confirmed how many times WWs affair down. There was nothing there where it came to the POS. She was buying the hype. The guy was all fluff, but she ate it up. There text exchange showed that she was so sexually charged for this loser. She mistook her husband's loving trust as weakness. Talk about being such a poor judge of character. Can see a young girl falling for the bad boy hype but a late 40s mother in a 24 year marriage?

Despite all this, I think if OP stays by herself while allowing him to have a relationship to get it out of his system, I think he loves her enough to possibly take her back. If she goes back on the market, she'll never get him back. A man of this quality is worth the wait.

 

[Affaircare]

"Gutsy? Wouldn't "stupid" be a better word?

Hi @Wishes,

Nope, it's not stupid. Stupid would be being so prideful that you never admit to yourself or anyone else that what you did was wrong. Stupid would be backing up something you know is wrong because you won't admit it was wrong. Stupid is knowing something is wrong and continuing to do it...and worse.

Gutsy is posting on a forum of loyal spouses who have been horribly hurt by their disloyal spouses and admitting out loud that you're struggling. Gutsy is knowing that it's fairly likely you aren't going to get the answer you "like" or "want" and posting anyway. Gutsy is taking the hits a bit so that you can get to the good stuff. That takes COURAGE!

Plus I think often loyal spouses are so hurt by what has happened to them and struggling with what is happening in their own lives so that they can forget that disloyals struggle and wrestle and strive with ourselves too. You know how people are--we all tend to think of our own lives and project that onto the person who's talking. So you're getting a big, whopping helping of projecting what happened on SI onto you, and big, whopping helping of projecting their spiteful disloyals onto you, and a big, whopping helping of projecting guesses here and there based on the few words you've shared. Shoot, I've seen these guys argue with each other for PAGES over stuff that was never even said by the original poster! LOL I usually try to stay out of that myself.

So here's one nugget though that I want you to think about. It's been a year, I think you said, and you (quote here) "still don't know why you did it." To a loyal person's ears, what that sounds like is that for no apparent reason the affair just started and for no apparent reason it just ended...and thus it could happen again at any time because you have no idea what was a catalyst inside you, where you went off course, what you can do to change that, etc. See, the goal is to examine yourself enough to be able to demonstrate to your (currently ex) spouse "Here's what I have done to ensure that this will NEVER, EVER happen again." If you can't even tell "why" it happened, then you sure as shooting can give any reasonable assurance that X, Y, and Z have been changed to protect them!!

Make sense?

And here's the very tricky part: when you examine yourself be sure you do not cross over into blame. You want to identify the circumstances surrounding the start of the affair, and where you have a weakness that lead to adultery.

I'll give you my own personal example: my dear hubby and I are in our 50's now but at the time of my affair it was more like late 40's and I hadn't yet hit menopause. We both LOVE children and had hopes that I might hit the jackpot and become pregnant, and we were not doing infertility treatments or anything but we were doing all we could naturally do to encourage it. Anyway, I did become pregnant and lost the baby--this sent me into grief--and the way I deal with grief is to share it, hug, and cry with someone. The way my dear hubby deals with grief is to withdraw, think, ponder and contemplate until he has reached a conclusion. I didn't know that, and so just when I needed him, to me it felt like he withdrew. Then I tried to get his attention but he was in a pretty deep grief so he didn't notice. (Again, all this makes sense NOW, but at the time I didn't know it).

Here's where I went off track. I needed to connect with someone, so I started to play a game that had some interaction like a forum. I started with the intent of "I enjoy this game--I think I'll play it" but it became, "Others are noticing I'm good at this game" and I felt like a winner because I had skillz. It started with including dear hubby and telling him what I was doing and how I won, etc. but since he wasn't interested I began to not include him...and then it became EXCLUDING dear hubby! See, there it is. My Achilles' Heel-- #1 I didn't understand our differences in dealing with things, #2 I didn't know I have a need to feel connected pretty much all the time, and #3 I began to EXCLUDE the person who has 100% access to all of me (thoughts, feelings, everything).

Now, can you see how it is ... well "comforting" if you will...comforting to my dear hubby to see that I've examined myself enough to know that I have those three weaknesses that could be a ***** in the armor, and that because I know I have those weaknesses, I've done X, Y, and Z about it? A) I'm not afraid to be honest with myself!! (I think you are beginning to be at this point but haven't taken the time to really look deep because it hurts too much.) and B) I know what went wrong and I've taken steps to avoid that in the future!

Anyways--hope this gives you a place to start.