[eric1]

Eric, I do agree with you. I spent several months on this site before registering to see if there was help for me. There are people here willing to help and I sense you are one of them, however, you have misquoted me. I never said, “Help me get my husband back.” My question was whether I should continue ‘hoping’ or ‘give up hope.’ Nothing more. No doubt, the people on this site have seen enough of these type situations as to know what I could reasonably expect. During the year we have been separated, I did entertain the expectation that we would eventually get back together. Once the divorce was final and he was moving on with his life in a different direction, that hope was gone.

Yesterday, I thought it quite unfortunate that I had placed myself in the midst of a gang of the angry betrayed, but today, I see things quite differently. It was my mistake to assume I would be received any differently than I was. If I were here to get my husband back, I would take it all and more, however, being flayed alive is a bit much. But who could better tell me just how my BH felt but others who have walked the same road of betrayal. So I apologize to you and also, I thank-you. Please overlook the disturbance I have created.

I think that we are on the same page, and perhaps just haven't made the connection in the middle.

You probably should give up hope at this point and work on yourself. That in itself is working towards and outcome where you can conceivably produce the emotion of hope again. But when you begin producing hope again, if what you've done has worked, then you will not be hoping for him. The end result may BE getting him, but you're hope will be centered more upon your happiness being a product of surrounding yourself with healthy relationships.

It is a lot of work cultivating healthy relationships. The previous (and let's be honest, probably current) you has defined happiness by what felt good to you. That's like eating a Snickers, feeling good for 8 minutes, then crashing and needing more.

True happiness is making others around you happy because you yourself are happy. It's a pretty great state of being that is incredibly difficult to get to and incredible difficult to maintain. But being incredibly happy -- you will NOT be thinking things like "can I ever get him back?". If he's with someone else, and he's happy, your only (material) thought will be how to make that even better for him, the father of your children. Not how to break up his current happiness and return him to you like some sort of possession.

That part of your life is over if you want it to be. I'd encourage you to consider this route.

 

[G.J.]

true happiness is making others around you happy because you yourself are happy. It's a pretty great state of being that is incredibly difficult to get to and incredible difficult to maintain. But being incredibly happy -- you will not be thinking things like "can i ever get him back?". If he's with someone else, and he's happy, your only (material) thought will be how to make that even better for him, the father of your children. Not how to break up his current happiness and return him to you like some sort of possession.

gold

.

 

[wmn1]

My question for Wishes is if she has a gameplan yet ?

If I was her, I would break out a notebook and devise a gameplan to take care of my physical health, my mental health, to start and rebuild the relationship with the kids, have a gameplan to improve relations with the ex husband, and job oriented goals.

I would track these and improve my situation daily but also learn to take a breather.

She has been penalized for her actions and rightfully so but she also needs to learn to forgive herself (while not rugsweeping - and I have no fear that she will rugsweep) while simultaneously getting the rest of the family to forgive her. Wishes needs peace of mind at some level now.

Also, writing a journal and reaching out to friends for activities and finding new hobbies would help Wishes as well.

She needs to pass the time while doing some constructive things. It will help her move on.

I wish Wishes the best of luck and despite the mauling she took here, she has stuck around. That takes guts.

 

[ConanHub]

thank you Conan, you've been a bad boy, but I forgive you:smile2:

You have no idea how bad but absolutely faithful as well.


Posted via Mobile Device

 

[NewPhoenix5]

Wishes,

My WW and you seem to be quite similar in the response to the outing of the affair. Yours is probably better than hers only because DG has responded more vigorously than I have to the betrayal.

He has divorced you and I am trying to reconcile, but who is suffering more now? I wake up at 2 am to 4 am every morning, hyperventilating. I look over at her and she is there holding me. I try to be still to not wake her, but the thoughts and mind movies of her OM and her race through my head. The injustice of it all. Her having the affair as she raged on me, as she asked her children to help cover up the affair when she slipped up, the laughing at me as I tried to convince her to stop the affair... I think about them every day, for hours. There is no place I can go, nothing I can do to stop the pain from flooding over me.

I rage at her in my mind. I scream at her and the OM as I drive to and from work. The rage simmers below the surface. I keep it hidden at home because I am trying to R and my children are around. My wife withdrawals and shuts down when I bring it up--she is too ashamed to really think about the whys. If I out the other man (he has no family) the damage would only circle around to hurt my children. If I inflict consequences on my wife, they primarily would fall upon my children. There is no hope there is no recourse for justice or appeasement. I only sit and my hurt and resentment and anger eats away at me.

My wife tells me she loves me and that she would never betray me again. I thought that the first time. I know the pain I show to her may not even matter, because when I was in MC and IC regarding her affair, she continued on with it for months and months. There is nothing I can believe in now.

She has not had any consequences. Sure I make her go to IC and MC now. Sure her eldest daughter knows of her cheating. But she still gets to be held in my warm embrace, she still is living in our beautiful house. She still has 100% access to our children. We still go on vacations and we still, from the outside, are the perfect couple with five beautiful children. We have it all.

But the injustice of it all is eating at me. I am thinking more and more about divorce, that I can't absorb what has happened. That the OM goes off to wreck the next family and my wife gets to carry on as if nothing happened... It galls me. It eats at me. I'm not sure how much more I can take...

But DoneGone is healing. Sure, he's lost the love of his life. Yes he will never forget what was done. But he is getting better every day. He's becoming whole again, slowly and surely. As an individual, he is becoming strong and healthy. Yes he's lost his marriage. But he has his honor and dignity.

You want to still be married with him, that I can see. But would you have him be the healing man that is getting better or the bitter and resentful man that is dying a slow death on the inside.

I don't know what will happen with me and my WW. We are still just a few months out from my last DDay (though the first DDay was Aug of 2013). It's been two and a half years of hell and I can't see an end in sight. But I'm still married... What would you wish for your husband?

Perhaps in a year, when he is a full and healthy person, when you have faced your demons and worked on yourself, you both can approach each other as two unique and whole individuals and once again wed. I don't know DoneGone, nor you, but I am guessing that he will require his next bride to be a whole and complete and healthy woman. You be that person when he may be ready.

NP5

 

[ConanHub]

How many and how old are your kids?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Wishes]

NewPhoenix5


"You want to still be married with him, that I can see. But would you have him be the healing man that is getting better or the bitter and resentful man that is dying a slow death on the inside

I don't know what will happen with me and my WW. We are still just a few months out from my last DDay (though the first DDay was Aug of 2013). It's been two and a half years of hell and I can't see an end in sight. But I'm still married... What would you wish for your husband?"



Yes, I want to be married to him. The problem is that when you love a person, you think your love can fix whatever is broken, even if you did the breaking. I have heard many voices saying that I do not love my ex-husband. It would be great, if I didn't. Don't you wish you did not love your wife?

Just as your wife, I did everything I could to hold on to my husband. He chose to divorce me and I do not blame him. To answer your question, I believe his life will be better without me. I believe he can be happier again quicker, without me being there as a constant reminder.

He has made it very clear that he is probably not done with me, but I believe he is. He is going to have justice. He is too good a person to have a revenge affair(s), but he fully intends to have 'relationships.' So, my chances are slim to none.

I don't know your wife, but if she is anything like me, then she is crushed and sorry. She is ashamed, humiliated and sad. But this is not about the way she feels, it's about the way you feel. My husband did not want to suffer with me for 5 or 10 years and then end up leaving anyway.

I am sorry you are enduring this and in my own way, I feel somewhat responsible.

 

[Iver]

My advice to NewPhoenix5 (and Wishes) is please see their physician and discuss what they are going through. Perhaps anxiety medication is called for.

Please do not suffer needlessly.

Those medications exist for a good reason.

 

[Marduk]

NewPhoenix5


"You want to still be married with him, that I can see. But would you have him be the healing man that is getting better or the bitter and resentful man that is dying a slow death on the inside

I don't know what will happen with me and my WW. We are still just a few months out from my last DDay (though the first DDay was Aug of 2013). It's been two and a half years of hell and I can't see an end in sight. But I'm still married... What would you wish for your husband?"



Yes, I want to be married to him. The problem is that when you love a person, you think your love can fix whatever is broken, even if you did the breaking. I have heard many voices saying that I do not love my ex-husband. It would be great, if I didn't. Don't you wish you did not love your wife?

Just as your wife, I did everything I could to hold on to my husband. He chose to divorce me and I do not blame him. To answer your question, I believe his life will be better without me. I believe he can be happier again quicker, without me being there as a constant reminder.

He has made it very clear that he is probably not done with me, but I believe he is. He is going to have justice. He is too good a person to have a revenge affair(s), but he fully intends to have 'relationships.' So, my chances are slim to none.

I don't know your wife, but if she is anything like me, then she is crushed and sorry. She is ashamed, humiliated and sad. But this is not about the way she feels, it's about the way you feel. My husband did not want to suffer with me for 5 or 10 years and then end up leaving anyway.

I am sorry you are enduring this and in my own way, I feel somewhat responsible.

Finally.

You're ready to begin moving forward. Whatever your mindset was when you wrote this post, please spend some time there.

I recognize that took courage.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Wishes]

How many and how old are your kids?
Posted via Mobile Device

Hmm, how can I say this without flirting. I got it. You already know how many and you also know how old. Why are you asking a question when you already have the answer? (stern tone)

 

[bandit.45]

Wishes are you in therapy? What parts of you are you working on ?

 

[Wishes]

Wishes are you in therapy? What parts of you are you working on ?

I was only joking.

 

[ConanHub]

Hmm, how can I say this without flirting. I got it. You already know how many and you also know how old. Why are you asking a question when you already have the answer? (stern tone)

Didn't see it posted. I'll go back and check.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[G.J.]

Hmm, how can I say this without flirting. I got it. You already know how many and you also know how old. Why are you asking a question when you already have the answer? (stern tone)

Contrary to some opinion the force is strong in this one

 

[eric1]

Wishes,

My WW and you seem to be quite similar in the response to the outing of the affair. Yours is probably better than hers only because DG has responded more vigorously than I have to the betrayal.

He has divorced you and I am trying to reconcile, but who is suffering more now? I wake up at 2 am to 4 am every morning, hyperventilating. I look over at her and she is there holding me. I try to be still to not wake her, but the thoughts and mind movies of her OM and her race through my head. The injustice of it all. Her having the affair as she raged on me, as she asked her children to help cover up the affair when she slipped up, the laughing at me as I tried to convince her to stop the affair... I think about them every day, for hours. There is no place I can go, nothing I can do to stop the pain from flooding over me.

I rage at her in my mind. I scream at her and the OM as I drive to and from work. The rage simmers below the surface. I keep it hidden at home because I am trying to R and my children are around. My wife withdrawals and shuts down when I bring it up--she is too ashamed to really think about the whys. If I out the other man (he has no family) the damage would only circle around to hurt my children. If I inflict consequences on my wife, they primarily would fall upon my children. There is no hope there is no recourse for justice or appeasement. I only sit and my hurt and resentment and anger eats away at me.

My wife tells me she loves me and that she would never betray me again. I thought that the first time. I know the pain I show to her may not even matter, because when I was in MC and IC regarding her affair, she continued on with it for months and months. There is nothing I can believe in now.

She has not had any consequences. Sure I make her go to IC and MC now. Sure her eldest daughter knows of her cheating. But she still gets to be held in my warm embrace, she still is living in our beautiful house. She still has 100% access to our children. We still go on vacations and we still, from the outside, are the perfect couple with five beautiful children. We have it all.

But the injustice of it all is eating at me. I am thinking more and more about divorce, that I can't absorb what has happened. That the OM goes off to wreck the next family and my wife gets to carry on as if nothing happened... It galls me. It eats at me. I'm not sure how much more I can take...

But DoneGone is healing. Sure, he's lost the love of his life. Yes he will never forget what was done. But he is getting better every day. He's becoming whole again, slowly and surely. As an individual, he is becoming strong and healthy. Yes he's lost his marriage. But he has his honor and dignity.

You want to still be married with him, that I can see. But would you have him be the healing man that is getting better or the bitter and resentful man that is dying a slow death on the inside.

I don't know what will happen with me and my WW. We are still just a few months out from my last DDay (though the first DDay was Aug of 2013). It's been two and a half years of hell and I can't see an end in sight. But I'm still married... What would you wish for your husband?

Perhaps in a year, when he is a full and healthy person, when you have faced your demons and worked on yourself, you both can approach each other as two unique and whole individuals and once again wed. I don't know DoneGone, nor you, but I am guessing that he will require his next bride to be a whole and complete and healthy woman. You be that person when he may be ready.

NP5

I am happy that you responded here because I was thinking a little of your situation when I responded back a few posts ago. While the end results may be different between these two situations, funny enough I really think that they're VERY similar.

"I am reconciling" and "I have decided to divorce" are two things. DoneGone has decided to divorce, and that decision seems to have served him well. I believe that it's served him well because he quickly understood who he was and what he needed to be happy.

This is also why I didn't get along with the moderators over at SI. They used to shoot me PMs when I'd suggested divorce... well in many cases the simple fact is that I don't look at divorce as this evil thing which needs to be avoided at all costs.

Maybe Wishes and DoneGone are the right people for each other. Judging by the responses here (and that DoneGone has apparently moved on) perhaps they aren't. Maybe NP5 and Edith are the right people for each other. Nobody knows, not even the players.

I have this pretty strong feeling that as long as you are working towards happiness for yourself in a constructive manner that everything will work itself out in the end. "I am going to save this marriage" and "how do I decide to move on" and "this is not working out for us" are all results-oriented thinking which does not dovetail nicely into my view of the world.

My view of the world is that if you're gunning for a particular outcome then you're going to have to make compromises along the way to get to THAT goal. That's awesome. Some people become incredible athletes and success businesspeople using just that formula. I feel strongly that this doesn't work with people though. You don't "get" people. You don't "achieve" people. You don't "save" relationships. You do what is true to yourself, and if you do that then things have a way of working out.

It's why I've been so fascinated by your adventure for so long. It's like imagining two people from different religions from different parts of the world sitting down with each other and having a civil discussion on how to fix a problem. I like my way, it's served me well... but the alternate method that Ive been exposed to , which does include a tremendous amount of tenacity and persistence, also has served me well in many other parts of my life.

How does this apply to Wishes? I really think that she needs to sit back and evaluate what she has. In some senses she's been given a gift of a wake-up call. She doesn't need to be this person any longer and if she becomes a better person then she'll look back on this experience with extreme gratitude. You don't get there by not boiling it down to extreme basics.

 

[Vulcan2013]

Glad you're opening up. As a former wayward, I'm not going to rage on you, but I think you need to really face the depths of what you've done.

My infidelity was the tip of the iceberg. Gaslighting my wife and abusing her trust were far worse. Expecting her to take me back (entitlement) and "get over it" was also terrible behavior.

I have finally developed some empathy for her. The key was facing the fact that I've been a terrible person. I stopped defending and minimizing. And recovery means fixing those low life, rotten parts of my character. We are separated, may R or not, her call. But for where I am, the plan is the same: be a better man. Not dependent on R at all.

I don't think you should give up hope, just put hope in being a better person and making amends as best you can.

 

[eric1]

NewPhoenix5


"You want to still be married with him, that I can see. But would you have him be the healing man that is getting better or the bitter and resentful man that is dying a slow death on the inside

I don't know what will happen with me and my WW. We are still just a few months out from my last DDay (though the first DDay was Aug of 2013). It's been two and a half years of hell and I can't see an end in sight. But I'm still married... What would you wish for your husband?"



Yes, I want to be married to him. The problem is that when you love a person, you think your love can fix whatever is broken, even if you did the breaking. I have heard many voices saying that I do not love my ex-husband. It would be great, if I didn't. Don't you wish you did not love your wife?

Just as your wife, I did everything I could to hold on to my husband. He chose to divorce me and I do not blame him. To answer your question, I believe his life will be better without me. I believe he can be happier again quicker, without me being there as a constant reminder.

He has made it very clear that he is probably not done with me, but I believe he is. He is going to have justice. He is too good a person to have a revenge affair(s), but he fully intends to have 'relationships.' So, my chances are slim to none.

I don't know your wife, but if she is anything like me, then she is crushed and sorry. She is ashamed, humiliated and sad. But this is not about the way she feels, it's about the way you feel. My husband did not want to suffer with me for 5 or 10 years and then end up leaving anyway.

I am sorry you are enduring this and in my own way, I feel somewhat responsible.

It's not that you don't love your husband, it's that you love yourself more. You wouldn't have done what you did if it was opposite. Hell, you even compromised your poor children in all of this. I'm not throwing out conjecture, I'm just stating a fact. You need need need need need to completely understand this.

For you to rebound from this you need to become the person who puts others first. I cannot help you get there, but myself and others here can be an anonymous (albeit at times hostile) sounding board for you to use. We'll be one of many tools that you need to independently become a better person.

The biggest gift of all of this is that your children will see what you are doing, and this will be their takeaway. Each of your girls will be a bad person at some point in their lives, it's how fast they recover for it and how they try to change themselves is what matters. Please work on this, they're your children that you brought into this world and it's critical that you help them blueprint what a healthy person does in situations like this.

NP5 has a different problem in this sense, his wife still puts herself first. That's why the path he's on will never work out. He's been leading that horse to water for almost two years, and she'll drink when he pushes her head down hard enough. For you to be what you need to be you need to kick the stupid ugly horse in the face and drink the damn water yourself.

 

[ConanHub]

I was only joking.

grrr....
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[wilson]

Wishes, you can get great help here, but you need to change your communication style. Please don't take offense at this, but you're coming off very flippant, flirty, and distant with your replies. Don't try to be cute or defensive. Just try to talk from the heart and respond to the questions people are asking. Again, don't take offense, but your style is similar to many of the phony people who make up stories here to get their jollies (they're called trolls). You need to either take this seriously or else everyone is going to give up.

We're all just regular people like you with different opinions. You're not going to agree with everyone and vice versa. People won't remember every detail, so don't get mad if someone asks you something you answered 20 pages ago.

 

[Iver]

Just as your wife, I did everything I could to hold on to my husband.

I'm not sure this is accurate. Do you think a straight forward confession would have been better than engaging in a long drawn out drama that also entailed getting your children involved? I suspect that made your situation much worse. It certainly hurt your relations with your children.

What did you think was going to happen once your husband saw the emails between you and the OM? Since that was going to happen why continue to hold on to the "just in-appropriate friends" story line?

A slight tangent. Why was the OM so over the top antagonistic towards your husband? It seemed quite personal with him. Was that ongoing or a one time thing?

As for NP5's wife, I wouldn't be surprised to find that she and her OM were plotting to kill him...and that's why she doesn't want her emails read. Believe me, no one familiar with his ordeal would be surprised...