What DG is telling you now ("got some healing") is cruel, and he admitted to being cruel in his thread. It is also a little twisted, IMO.

It sounds like you are not desperate to be with him, and you are keeping good boundaries. Since you are divorced, you have no obligation to him. In addition, he is free to date whomever he wants. However, you have the right to decide that you will not be one of several girlfriends.

I'm so glad you are getting some understanding of yourself in IC. It sounds like DG was your guide through life, and then after he fell apart over the texting, he abused that position. Now you see him as a whole individual, with good qualities and with deep flaws too.

If he stops seeing OW, and the two of you get back together, it truly will be a new, different marriage. You have learned that you have something good to contribute to the marriage, and obviously he does too.

I'm so glad that you have come back, and that you are opening up! I can understand your journey, as I had to do some similar work, 28 years ago, in order to heal and become a secure person.

 

Great post. Nor does she have to accept his verbal cruelty. You can't afford any more injury. If it were me I would insulate myself from his destructiveness until he stopped and began choosing better.

 

Wishes, I hate to say this, but I need to say it before you meet with him in person.

I am not trying to offend, but to protect you.

Although sex is the last thing on your mind right now, you and your husband have a long history together, so things could move very quickly. Do not have sex with him. Make sure he knows that he needs to abstain from sex with other women, and have an STD test before you have sex with him. Did you know that AIDS has an incubation period of 6 months to a year? Did you have an STD test after you were with the other guy?

 

Totally agree with this. Just wanted to add that there is a newer, more expensive, more reliable test. It can detect HIV, much faster than 6 months. Most gp's don't Eve. Know about it. I had to take it, And the whole battery of other tests before anything took place with current gf.
No fun waiting in results, even if you have practiced "safe" sex and had few encounters.
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WIshes, thank you for coming back here and giving more of your side of the story. Some of what you have written brought me to tears, both for you and for myself as it reflects back on some of my own issues. I hope and pray that both you and your H can come out of all this as better people, whether that happens together or apart.

 

Happy Easter and I pray that you can find each other again!

 

You sound very bitter and angry and I'm guessing that has little to do with Wishes actions and more to do with what you've been through. You are entitled to your own opinion, of course, but I can't see how your last few posts are in any way going to help wishes move forward. It seems to me that she is aware of all that you have called her and more but the fact is some people ARE damaged by their FOO and without understanding how that contributed to their cheating, then no amount of beating up on themselves will change anything.
She is trying to figure it out, so I think we should give her some credit there. As others have said many times before, the cheating is always on the WS, but the problems in the marriage are many times on both of them.

 

Welcome back wishes! I'm really glad you're posting and have people on your side to help you through the process of reviewing your past and letting the little girl in you understand what happened to her. That's a huge step forward.

As I said I never read EXH's thread, but he's sounding a bit more human now and not always in a good way.

With time you will be in a better position to know what you want with the rest of your life. You will have a new and better life in many ways by processing your past and getting free from it. I'm really encouraged and proud of you

 

Her H just posted on SI again and, reading between the lines, I'd say she is not the only one who has been guilty of lying, manipulation, and cruelty. There's obviously more there than any of us are aware of and it seems to me that they BOTH need serious help.

 

I predict the ban hammer coming in 3... 2... 1...

But keep spewing vitriol. 2x4's are one thing. Judgement without a willingness to help is quite another.



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

 

Now that wishes is actually talking, things are making more sense.
He is totally in the wrong in the "getting a little healing" comment.
Very wrong.
I do think it would be wise for both of you to break off all communication if you're thinking of reconciling, even of its on the future. No sense piling in any more pain than there already is
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Wrong, yes...but somewhat understandable. I had the same thought with my H as far as my EA goes. I didn't say it, but he knew that was part of the reason. I agree that she needs to stay away from him until he works that out.

 

Wishes, ignore Survivorgirl, who only had 4 posts and quit posting on November 18, 2015. She only came back today to slam you with 8 posts on your thread. She does not represent the community of TAM with her 12 posts in all.

Oh it's 11 posts now that she (he) has been banned.

Moderators, if I am out of line saying that, please PM me, and I will delete this post.

 

Hey Survivorgirl, do you know wishes outside TAM?

 

As I said --- that's a different story to be told. Nothing to do with this one really - is it ? Unless she is justifying what she did. Her thread title is - not a good wife. I agree. And am prepared to offer opinions on what it takes perhaps, to be a good wife.

 

I actually disagree with her title. I think she was an impeccable wife, despite her heavy fall from grace.

I wish I could share the tragedy that is this entire story because her past trauma and her marital trauma are inexplicably linked.

But that is her place to share.

Her withholding is not to protect herself. Far from it.

That's why I've been stating that this one is not one you can make assumptions on.

 

Resentment can be a major contributing factor in justifying in someone's mind that what they are doing is OK.

But sorry, the most vocal thing expressed was DG taking away her texting relationship with another man that she was keeping secret and the reason matters not.

So if that was the trigger that caused it she traded her husband for her texting buddy

At this point with these dueling threads on different forums you need a scorecard to keep track of it .

I don't see this working out so great. He seems to be blaming himself like a newly betrayed .

Good luck .
Posted via Mobile Device

 

@MattMatt, you put my own feelings into words. Both threads elude to issues that neither one will articulate, yet they are posting on forums. Without giving all the information, it feels like they are playing games, or lying. It is probably neither. It is that they are in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive relationship (the abuse going both ways, depending on the day.)

Wishes, I wish you and DG the very best.

 

@MattMatt, you put my own feelings into words. Both threads elude to issues that neither one will articulate, yet they are posting on forums. Without giving all the information, it feels like they are playing games, or lying. It is probably neither. It is that they are in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive relationship (the abuse going both ways, depending on the day.)

Wishes, I wish you and DG the very best.

Correct.

They may not be able to fully disclose this one yall.

I'm just trying to ask everyone to be patient and refrain from assumptions.

 

Two other things I want to add..

She regrets deeply not choosing a different path than the one she chose. She'll tell you that, and has.


And I wanted to add a note to her exH DoneGone who I know is following here. I have been keeping up with your threads on SI and I am very glad to see your latests posts. It is the right and stand up thing to do. You are not owning her affair part of this and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to. Thats good. For you to stand up and say "I really fvcked up" because you did and realize it now, took guts. Thats a big thumbs up from me.

 

Do you see what you are doing here? You are speaking for her about very simple things which she could say herself. Is she a frightened child? Are you her parent? She is definitely not a child, no matter what happened to her prior to the marriage. She chose a very adult path, and did a very adult thing: have an EA, (or at least pretend she was having one to make her husband jealous) and then have a full on 9 month PA.

You are being played, Blossom. Perhaps some of the secret information she shared with you is true, but what she is doing with it is manipulation.

I dislike adultery, and feel for BSes. I dislike CSA, and feel for the victims. However, something I hate more is manipulative people, who use life's blows as excuses for their own bad choices.

I have a bad feeling in my gut regarding Wishes and DG. They came to marriage forums, pretending they were having marital issues stemming from adultery, all the while knowing that they were actively destroying their marriage in other, unspeakable ways, which are so horrible they can't even speak about it, long before the adultery.

If he forced her to have an open marriage, which most of us don't approve of, there is no need to hide it, as many spouses have been here complaining that their spouse wanted that, and they don't, even after they tried it.

If he raped her in his anger, they both need serious therapy, and they shouldn't get back together....ever.

If they murdered Wishes' and her AP's baby and buried it in the back yard, then Blossom, you need to call the authorities, and stop this charade.

Honestly, Wishes and DG's secrecy has me, and I'm sure others, wondering what horrible thing they have done. (Not what DG did to her, but what they have done.)

This thread feels very dysfunctional, and unhealthy. Both this one and DG's are not being used by the OP's for their growth, but to lead the members along, doling out crumbs to keep members coming back. They are not sharing any of the deep issues, events, or learning anything from the posters. In fact they are ignoring the contributes, or becoming angry when they are confronted.

This is not the place for them to deal with their issues. They obviously need to be in the offices of qualified psychotherapists, insane asylums, or in jail.

 

Not a good wife,

You need to give your x-husband, children, and family members time to heal. Sadly, there's no time limit on healing for this type of betray. Not only you had an affair, you lied and used guilt and blame on your husband to cover your affair.

If you really loved your x-husband, you will fight for him instead of posting about it. To get the approval of others to fight or to move on.

Keep the communication open, let him, kids, and the family members know how you're doing in therapy. Let your x-husband know, that you still love him, and you are doing what it takes to get him back. Be a good friend, instead of trying to pickup in your relationship where you left off before you got caught. To help keep the communication open, ask if he's welling to have lunch or dinner with you at least once a week. Like on a Saturday or a Sunday. At your place, or his choice of a place.

If your x-husband does take you back, your marriage may not be like before. Let your second marriage blossom on its own. And last bit of advice, don't screw up again. When you married, you telling the, All Mighty, you love your husband and you put off all other men "other relationship". Your husband might be forgiven the first time, he won't be so forgiven the second time.

 

Wishes -

Again, you need to slow it down for everyone's sake. It's clear that there are still some white hot emotions at play. Nothing of this nature can be fixed with emotions driving the car.

How to adjust emotions to the passenger seat for now is a different story. I strongly encourage professional help for both of you guys. Neither are in the right place now and trying to fix things could rupture them further, or more intrinsically than they are.

TLDR: Don't rush

 

I have a horrible feeling that we we are being played to a certain extent.

Some of us are given super secret information so that not all of us know the full story.

Which puts the people with that super secret information in a difficult position.

If they see someone making a post from a position of apparent ignorance do they break a trust and reveal what they know? Sort of try to help that other member out by pointing out that they have information that would change the opinion of the other member if they had it?

Or just say nothing?

But let's play a little thought experiment here.

The daughters of Wishes and DG knew that something was wrong.

Instead of confessing to them Wishes gave them some super secret information that made the girls realise that it was all their father's fault and thst she was not a cheater.

In that instance that super secret information was actually a work of fiction that badly damaged her own daughters and their relationship with not only their father but with Wishes, too.

Am I accusing Wishes of lying?

Certainly not! Though I think she is is like a singer who uses Autotune to make their voice sound entirely different.

It's all about tone, timbre, speed and the like.

It is amazing what you can do with the truth without needing to disemble.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

If she feels that DG is "abusing" her why doesn't she just move on with her life ? Why does she still keep coming back ? Because she loves him ? Give me a break ….

 

Since barriers have been breached, go to SI and ask DG what the hell went down.

He has stated that he could give the aholes here on TAM ahole lessons and I suggest you believe him.
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Neither, I nor DG nor her will tell you she was justified.

Impeccable because she obeyed him for decades, she was stellar, too stellar, and then obeyed him through something that none of you are going to be able to piece together without full disclosure. (It is not centered around the man in CA.)

Neither of them anticipated the full effect her obedience would have on her. She regrets obedience during that time frame as well as her choices made following that devastation. She paid a very high price during that obedience. It caused severe new internal damage that blew apart their marriage before the affair of which she deeply regrets adding that act to what had just happened to her. Yet, the affair does not negate the severity of what happened to her.



So my word impeccable is not designed to insult those who are trauma survivors who did not choose self destructive paths. It is to describe the level of obedience she chose to her H when she shouldn't have and her track record prior to that.

And no, her track record doesn't erase the affair.

 

Neither, I nor DG nor her will tell you she was justified.

Impeccable because she obeyed him for decades, she was stellar, too stellar, and then obeyed him through something that none of you are going to be able to piece together without full disclosure. (It is not centered around the man in CA.)

Neither of them anticipated the full effect her obedience would have on her. She regrets obedience during that time frame as well as her choices made following that devastation. She paid a very high price during that obedience. It caused severe new internal damage that blew apart their marriage before the affair...

So why is it a subject for this forum?

Withholding information, obfuscation & manipulation - all the traits that led Wishes to CWI in the first place. Anything prior to the affair can be discussed in any of the forums on TAM. But the Super Secret Info is here... creating an inextricable link to the affair. I suspect the only reason this thread exists is so that it can be seen.

I hate being manipulated.

 

To clarify... My comments about stopping current cruel behavior are rooted in knowing she paid a high price prior to the affair, then the natural high price of divorce because of the affair.... It is enough, further cruelty needs to stop.

 

This thread is a troll party.

DG and Wishes are the same person folks. S/he is making everyone fight, argue, and run around in a tizzy and getting her/his jollies watching it.

Ban me if you like, but I don't like to stand aside and see good people being manipulated this way.

 

I hope that the mods close this thread.

 

Listen guys, you get what you want. I am leaving this thread. I do not fault you for wanting more information but I have never thought anything that led up to my affair had any business being repeated on this forum. You are right. I came here asking a question and you answered it and I should have moved on. I guess I was looking for something else and I do not know what.

I have been in therapy several years and part of my personal therapy was reading in this forum. I never believed I would be received the way I have been or I would not have come here period. In hindsight, I do not blame most of you. I am not antagonistic against your honest opinions and thoughts. Actually they have been helpful.

But, I think you need me to leave, and I do not believe I should wait any longer for that defining moment. I have made many friends that I hope to stay in contact with and they alone have made this entire experience worthwhile.

 

I was going to advise you to leave TAM. You will not be served well here. My door is always open to you. You have made a big impact on me.

And to those who think she cant speak for herself... She is more than capable and just like her intent has been misjudged. So was mine.

This thread was a huge disappointment.

 

I find it very difficult to believe we are not seeing serious dysfunction between people who have very real issues with the truth. In terms of an internet forum this is mostly irrelevant, what people read here isn't the point: the point is to try and help the people who come here. It must be said that most of us would have similar issues if we took to posting intimate details about our lives.

Neither DG nor Wishes can really be helped unless they learn to be honest: and I do not think either realizes how obvious it is that their dishonesty (whether intentional or not) prevents them from even beginning to behave in a healthier matter. After a career as a Prosecutor, these inconsistencies scream to me from the respective threads and grow with each passing post. Wishes ignores when these are noted - for the excellent reason that they have nothing to do with why she is posing here. Again, the point is not blast an anonymous poster seeking help with a difficult situation, but rather to try and draw attention to each their respective inability to confront their situation clearly.

It should be noted that this this does not make Wishes and DG horrible or even bad people. It just makes them human.

The inconsistencies in what Wishes have posted in this thread, and between what DG has posted in his and Wishes has posted here are enormous. One cannot put what she has written here side by side and not see that her story has changed in significant ways. As best as I can piece together through the various and inconsistent accounts:

1. DG has had what Wishes believes to be a controlling personality. There appears in this thread to be some of a basis in religion for this, but that is speculation.
2. DG has some history of significant anger issues.
3. Wishes response to this has been to manipulate by misdirection. This is hardly unique - this was how mother dealt with my father for years. Passive-Aggressive behavior screams from both threads.
4. This passive-aggressive behavior was extremely successful for most of the marriage in getting Wishes what she wanted.
5. As some point something happened that led Wishes to seek advice from outside of her marriage. If I read between the lines, this was in some ways a result of their respective communication styles. I suspect neither was very good at dealing with disagreement. Their fear of confrontation led both to behave in what in some ways was dishonest behavior. While this was manageable for most of their marriage (this problem is probably present in most marriages) it became intolerable.
6. Wishes inability to get DG to listen led her to start some relationship with a man outside of the marriage. Again - I suspect that her inability to articulate what was bothering her is at play here, as is DG's difficulty in really hearing what his wife was saying (I suspect he never really was attuned to what his wife was hinting at). It is hard not to read these threads, by the way, and not conclude that she is smarter than he is.
7. At this point, Wishes crosses a very big line - and one which DG is now minimizing - and he is wrong to do so. Taking a communication with another man underground is never appropriate, Period. One suspects, though she will deny it, that Wishes became somewhat intoxicated with the connection she had with the OM, even if that relationship was always platonic. In any event seeking advice about a marriage from someone who works for your husband is extremely inappropriate. Basically it says you do not know how to get your husband to hear you.
8. The affair starts, is uncovered. Wishes then engages in desperate, and profoundly disrespectful acts in a desperate attempt to save the marriage (see eg, the involvement of her children, the IC sessions described by DG).
9. Wishes starts posting here.

It is patently obvious that DG wants Wishes back, and Wishes wants DG back. In reading the Si thread, I think DG was really trying to find someone who would convince to do something other than what he thought was required (though this was probably subconsious). Wishes behavior prevented that to some extent. She started this thread by saying she had given up hope, but was willing to wait for him. There was enough dysfunction between the two of them, and enough has happened (ie the affair) to make each cautious, and so we get this dance played out.

This is the way people reconcile.

There is no shame in any of it: there is in fact bravery.

I could write a similar story that would make my own reconciliation after my wife's affair look no better. During that process both my wife and I were terrified at telling the other we were all-in, we had issues and problems that needed addressing before that could happen. My hope is that the two of them can look each other in the eye, talk openly to EACH OTHER, and begin their long path back to each other. One suspects a marriage purged of the difficulty in saying difficult things to each other would be quite rewarding.