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I met my husband 5 years ago......granted we were young I was 21 and he was 22. Call it infatuation, love at first sight...etc we just clicked. Our relationship was one of the ones that people compare their "bad" relationship to. People would always tell us what we have is what they someday hope to find.....blah blah blah. As most of us know...love is blind or maybe noone really wants to see what is truly there. I started noticeing the lies almost two and 1/2 years ago....before then I'm sure they were there and I just glazed all the imperfections over.It started with rent. I always made our budget, so that everything could get paid on time with a little extra to do family things with(we have 3 kids)Everytime rent was due, I would give him the money to pay. This was out first apartment together, after we got married.3 months into our lease I get handed an eviction notice telling me I never paid my rent?Where did the money go?He said there was a mistake he paid...but he didn't. and we moved.We've now moved into a house and have lived here for 2 1/2 years no prob with the rent. But along the way other things have arose. For example...he can't tell the truth or admit to anything.Confronting him even when you have undeniable truth is like trying to nail a jelly fish to a wall.He got busted with a bag of weed in our car, wasn't his...doesnt smoke pot?Really how did it get there....it was his friends...its like I'm his mom.Honey, can you check how much money we have in our account ......sure.....I check back with the bank...numbers WAY off. Then theres the smoking game... I call it how many ways can one person lie to your face before they realize you dont believe them anymore game. Babe did you smoke, you smell like smoke..No I didnt smoke....I can smell it on your breathe... nope not smoking I swear.. your being paranoid....this went on for a year. Before he confessed that he was smoking. Now mind,I dont care if he wanted to smoke thats fine, smoke your ciggs and do it outside...but why sneak and lie about it. Same thing with beer, there is nothing wrong with having a beer, if your grown you can have a drink....but he would lie about that too! and ontop of it he would deny ever drinking but I would find beer can hidden all over the place even stuffed up ontop of the cabinet in the bathroom...its boarderline hilarious...Then one day I go to the trunk of the car and I find a whole bag of beer cans and forty bottles...nice not drinking at all huh. Its just crazy he lies and sneaks about everything....then theres the porn thing that has arose and this time It actually hurts me. My hubby has always been kind of reserved, even with me he hates when I hug or kiss on him....or he says stuff like I'm tired or I just need some space......but then I find all kinds of porn, live sex show feeds everything....on my computers history....I even found a comment on a page he left to someone saying that he's lied to me about so many things like smoking and hes even lusted after other women...I asked him about it and guess what more lies...I meant before you.....really? Now its to the point where I dont trust or believe anything he says.If he says the sky is blue im checking.And its not fair. I feel like Im having a relationship with just myself and the vows we made were so important to me....but must have been nothing to him...We used to be so close but now I wounder if all that was just lies too...if any of it was genuine. Now I question everything like I dont know if hes ever cheated on me?because if he lies about things that are so simple, what wouldn't he lie about.I feel broken and crazy....Like why doesnt he worry that by doing these things he could lose me? I dont know what to do anymore, a part of me wants to divorce but another wants to stay...and I dont know what to do.
 

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Broken trust is very, very difficult to fix in a relationship. If your husband is not willing to start being honest with you about everything, all the time, then your marriage is going to be an ongoing source of heartbreak to you. I know this first hand. It really, really sucks knowing that the person you love is totally okay with telling you lies. Because of the issue with the rent, it sounds like your husband is a very dishonest person in general, if he was willing to rip off the landlord. I feel for you. I know, it's hard to leave when you have kids together. Sometimes it's for the best though.
 

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Somewhere in his life he learned to lie to stay out of trouble. It's something that has been programmed into him because the truth may not have been ok...he would get in trouble, and he didn't like how that felt. His compulsion to lie right away just shows how much of a pattern it is.

I had a friend who did this often. He would lie abut everything just beause he was scared of getting in trouble! I brought it to his attention, what he was doing, and he slowly began to break the habit once he realized he wouldn't get in trouble because he's grown. Sure, bad decisions have consequences even for adults, but as a wife, you can't "get him in trouble".
 

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Thanks for the replies.It really does hurt bad when someone you love is willing to lie over and over again to your face without remorse.This whole thing is causing a big abruption in my life. Its planted this whole seed of doubt in my mind...I love him but I dont know if I love him more than my own sanity.I agree with the learned behavior pattern. His mother was very controlling and abusive to him and his brothers growing up and his father wasn't around..it wasn't an easy life for him. I have been there for him all along. I've told him that I'm here to listen and hear whatever he wants to talk about but theres this wall...he'll tell me bits and pieces but never a deep convo about it.I wish we had that.Anytime there is a problem, he either says I'm sorry okay now it's over...I dont want to talk about it..or he goes silent. I'll try to talk to him and he stares away, says nothing, doesn't reply. It's so crazy though because he is a very well liked....and hes this super happy, enthusiastic person in public, work and when he's home he's like Eyore but more emotionless. The part that kills me is if I would talk openly about how he is at home people would never believe it because of how he is in public.I just want to have a normal relationship without all the lies and sneaking. Sometimes I think he has a mood or personality disorder because in 5 years of being together I have never seen him become emotional about anything, I don't ever rember him ever shedding a tear....hes overly under emotional. After this past weekend, learning of more lies about porn and everything else I told him it's either therapy of I'm leaving. I can't live this way anymore. I feel like I woke up and relized I married a stranger....and I'm tired of his selfishness.All he does is talk about how great he is...sometimes I think If I would leave he wouldn't even notice.I know this sounds kind of ranty but I haven't talked to anyoneabout this....
 

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I know exactly how you feel and after years of lies about stupid things as well as huge things, at first you think you are going crazy. When the fog clears and you realize this person is lying to your face, that is blatant disrespect. I can see how you would feel like a parent instead of a spouse.

After awhile, some of these liars start to believe their own lies, that is how they are able to argue and stick with the lie and get mad at YOU for not believing them.

I have a saying about liars of your husband's caliber: IF THEY TELL YOU THE TIME, CHECK YOUR WATCH.

This is no way to live, and it sounds like it is a part of who he is. Him changing doesn't seem to be in the cards for him right now. Perhaps you might want to rethink if you want to spend the rest of your life questioning everything. Without complete trust, a marriage cannot be successful. The ironic thing is, one day he is going to need you for something big (arrested, car accident, needs money, etc.) and he will be telling you the God's honest truth and guess what? YOU WON'T BELIEVE HIM.

Ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf?
 

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Nothing makes you feel more crazy than someone lying to your face. Especially when you want to believe them so badly....yet you know better....yet why would they lie....yet your gut tells you they are lying. Its AWFUL!
 

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My husband is a compulsive liar. He is in therapy twice a week...prompted by the fact that I discovered he was having an affair, having sex with prostitutes and masturbating to porn every night. The problem is it is his in-built response to lie. He has learned to lie, as telling the truth does not always paint him in a favourable light. He lies about stupid stuff, but is at least now aware that he does it and is trying really hard to stop. He has been seeing a therapist for over 2 months twice a week to get to this point and it is going to be a very long road. He is committed to change though and that is the difference. If your husband wants to save your marriage then he needs to make the changes too. My husband learned this behaviour as a child....he turns 40 this year!!! Now you see the work involved to change this destructive habit.
 

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Honey, you really need to sit down with your husband and communicate with him and tell him exactly how you feel and how it affects you when he lies to you. Please encourage him to see MC with you or he could IC.
Either way, without TRUST, your marriage will NOT last!!
 
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