[vspinkgrl]

Hello. My husband and I have been married for about 3 years, but we have been together for 8 years. We are both in our twenties with 2 daughters together. The issue is my husband gets extremely mad when I go out on the weekends. I have one good friend that actually introduced us, and over the years he has grown to hate her for no reason.
Everytime we go out he starts an argument and says a wife shouldnt be out like I am. He says I "think I'm so cool" and he implies that I am cheating! He also says that I never spend time with him, which is true because him and I use to spend all our time together...out dancing and such. Every time we went out and someone spoke to me, he got jealous. Well one time, a saw a guy i knew and he hugged me and hubby flipped out and things even got physical. He apologized later and never got that mad again, but it left a bad taste in my mouth and I dont want to go dancing with him anymore. I'd like to stay home and watch movies with him or go to dinner...things like that.
Well he can't accept that for some reason. I have to mention that he only says he wanted to spend time with me AFTER I tell him I'm going out with my girlfriend.
Its getting to the point where I cant take it anymore. I don't want to fight every time I say I'm going out. He gets so mad and won't talk to me. We've been together for 8 years and hes STILL jealous. Thank you for reading.
What can I do?

 

[EleGirl]

Where do you go when you go out with your friend?

 

[vspinkgrl]

Where do you go when you go out with your friend?

We go out dancing, shopping, nail shop...woman things.

 

[The Middleman]

We go out dancing, shopping, nail shop...woman things.

Dancing is not "Woman's Things" it's something you do with guys. Frankly your husband is being nice to you in letting you go ... I wouldn't. If I were him, I'd be joining you whether you liked it or not. Married women shouldn't go out dancing without their husbands. You should start going out with him again, you could live with a little jealousy.

 

[Lon]

I don't think he's jealous, he feels threatened. A married man's instincts is to protect his marriage, but if neither of you have a good understanding of boundaries it will come across as preserving and controlling you. He doesn't want you going out dancing with your friend because he knows other men will be watching you trying to figure out how to have sex with you.

 

[vspinkgrl]

Dancing is not "Woman's Things" it's something you do with guys. Frankly your husband is being nice to you in letting you go ... I wouldn't. If I were him, I'd be joining you whether you liked it or not. Married women shouldn't go out dancing without their husbands. You should start going out with him again, you could live with a little jealousy.

What's wrong with a woman going out dancing with her girlfriend who has a husband herself. Her husband doesn't care if she goes out. We are there talking to people we know and having some drinks...not flashing our good around or anything. And as I expressed its gone well and beyond "a little jealousy". I can take that. I'm not about to be accused of cheating or have my night ruined because a male speaks to me. We are not teenagers.
If he has shown that his jealousy has let up a bit, I would definitely go out with him again. And I have told him that.

 

[vspinkgrl]

I don't think he's jealous, he feels threatened. A married man's instincts is to protect his marriage, but if neither of you have a good understanding of boundaries it will come across as preserving and controlling you. He doesn't want you going out dancing with your friend because he knows other men will be watching you trying to figure out how to have sex with you.

Well, I'm sure men are watching me. But shouldn't he have enough trust in me that I am not falling for some sloppy bar guy? I've been faithful for the last 8 years, I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Lon]

He trusts you, and to prove it he allows you to go out despite that it goes against everything telling him that it is not good. You do have the benefit of the doubt, however you also have a great responsibility to make sure to not become complacent or disrespectful... or entitled.

Or you can ignore what I suggest and continue going out to the club every chance you get, just realize that every time you do you are putting each other to the test. It is not just going out to blow off some steam and sweat it out, there is an underlying power struggle at play.

 

[vspinkgrl]

He trusts you, and to prove it he allows you to go out despite that it goes against everything telling him that it is not good. You do have the benefit of the doubt, however you also have a great responsibility to make sure to not become complacent or disrespectful... or entitled.

Or you can ignore what I suggest and continue going out to the club every chance you get, just realize that every time you do you are putting each other to the test. It is not just going out to blow off some steam and sweat it out, there is an underlying power struggle at play.

Thank you Lon. I understand what you are saying, but I also feel if he trusted me he wouldn't say the things that he says.
And there is a great power struggle. There is a background here...He was 21 before I was and left me at home alone all the time. I didn't go anywhere for like 6 years. I begged him not to go lots of the times, but he did anyway. Well years later I found out he had cheated on me, my trust was shattered. I've rebuilt the trust...but now its like I've found flaws in my God and realized I don't want to worship him anymore.
I think its karma, that he is chasing me around trying to get me to stay home, as I chased him for years.
Why the heck should I stay home for him??

 

[srena200]

. Married women shouldn't go out dancing without their husbands. You should start going out with him again, you could live with a little jealousy.[/QUOTE]


What the? What is this the stone-age? Married women should not go dancing without a husband? Yea! And married men should not be in strip club shoving bills down a stranger's crotch, but they do. A married woman is free to engage in social activities with her girlfriend whether it is happy hour, dinner, movies, dancing, or shopping. Women need their own friends OUTSIDE of a marriage. She does not need to do everything with hubby.

 

[srena200]

I don't think he's jealous, he feels threatened.


I can understand Lon's point a bit here. If he is jealous, deal with that as a seperate issue. If he is insecure, deal with that as a seperate issue. You do not need your husband's permission to go out with a friend. If you tell him where you are, who you are with, when you will be home, this should alleviate his concerns-plus he can show up at the club if he is that insecure and clear his own doubts when he see you are there, with your friend, having fun.

 

[Lon]

Have you guys sought any professional counselling? I think a good marriage counsellor can help you by directing all the energy you guys are expending on trying to claim your lives working against each other into activities that fulfill both your social needs which you can share together.

Go out dancing together, and also invite your friends into social events in your own home once in awhile. And also forgo every other dance night for a movie night or quiet time at home. And I'm also not saying do EVERY activity together, you still each need time away and with your own friends.

In my failed marriage my ex was a very outgoing person who needed the excitement and atmosphere of the clubs, and I was a homebody who wanted to surround myself in comfort. We passively resisted each others needs to the point that we damaged our own individual balances, she ultimately decided to continue the single life and I've struggled to not be a shut-in. Looking back, in order for our marriage to have survived I needed to get out more and let loose, as I've always needed, and she needed to come home to roost more, as she's always needed.

 

[EleGirl]

How many hours a week do you spend doing date-like, one-on-one things with your husband?

 

[vspinkgrl]

We have been to counseling in the past and it helped for a little bit. I should say we didn't follow the regime due to insurance lapse. I have mentioned going back.
The thing is, we have a 6yr old and a 6 month old...if one of us is out, the other has to be home with the kids. And neither one of us are ready to leave the baby with a sitter yet.

Also, we usually go out every other weekend. But this past month its been once a week. I do see her during the week because we are both SAHM. But we usually sit at my house with the kids, nothing adult can be done until the weekend. He says we are codependent on each other and he hates her.

Hubby and I spend our time together after the kids are in bed...and at that time, i usually do homework and he is online doing whatever. He always expects me to make plans with him, but he makes no effort. I cant miss out on being social, waiting for him to get ready to do something. As soon as i say...hey im going out this weekend he goes "Maybe I wanted to do something with you"...like, seriously, do you take me for a fool?!

 

[Lon]

I would highly suggest getting yourselves mentally equipped to handle having a sitter, or else stay at home together... does he EVER go out by himself? Even if you are giving him an opportunity? If he says he doesn't want to go out, does he ever ask you to take the kids out so he can have peaceful time at home alone once in awhile? There is a lot of resentment that is TOXIC AND FATAL to a relationship that you NEED to figure out and work through asap. He is escaping to his computer and you are escaping with your GNO's, and both of you are driving each other slowly apart (or much quicker than you realize).

Maybe trade babysitting duties with your friend? And also, do you ever go to her house with the kids? It could be that you are feeling too shut in to your own home and that it is associated with work and chores.

 

[keko]

You have a 6 month old baby and go out clubbing?
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[costa200]

Well one time, a saw a guy i knew and he hugged me and hubby flipped out and things even got physical.

Yeah, you go on about hugging married women in the very presence of the husband and bad things happen... I commend your husband for being an actual man instead of a wuss doormat.

You on the other hand need to realize you're not single anymore. The reason why you are having problems is that you are married with kids and still living like you are single.

 

[northernlights]

Have you guys sought any professional counselling? I think a good marriage counsellor can help you by directing all the energy you guys are expending on trying to claim your lives working against each other into activities that fulfill both your social needs which you can share together.

This. It sounds like you two are at a pretty critical juncture in your marriage, where you have to decide if you want to come together to work on your problems as a team, or make each other the enemy and push each other away.

Listen, I am totally sympathetic to your need to get out and have fun. Small kids are draining and stressful, and it sounds like you're an extrovert; you refill you energy reserves by being social. Introverts, on the other hand, refill their energy reserves with quiet alone time (like on the computer maybe). It's not an insurmountable difference in a couple, so long as you each understand that you need different things once in a while, and you make an effort to accommodate each other.

The affair makes it even more complicated. I don't think punishing is going to help you move past it, but I don't know anything about getting past affairs. Maybe try reading on the coping with infidelity forum? I know there's a lot of help and support over there.

Good luck.

 

[Caribbean Man]

Yeah, you go on about hugging married women in the very presence of the husband and bad things happen... I commend your husband for being an actual man instead of a wuss doormat.

:iagree: x 100%.
Some guys are just downright disrespectful.

 

[costa200]

:iagree: x 100%.
Some guys are just downright disrespectful.

I know, right! Some guys are born without the "if-i-do-this-i'll-get-punched" chip! So they have to learn with painful experience.