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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hello,


I am 33 years old and she is 29 years old.

I think she is the greatest person I have ever met and has all the qualities that I would want in a relationship...

Except for that vibe that make women sexy.

She is shy and awkward and because of that she is not sexy at all even if her body is 9/10 and her face is extremely beautiful.

She loves putting herself down and apologising for everything which really makes me lose any sexual interest in her.

You know how they say confidence is sexy, well she has none of it.

She wants to have sex with me, but in bed it feels like she is lifeless. Even when I want to change sexual positions I have to push her quite a bit before she gets the message, unlike other girls who you just tap and they move.

What's even worse is that while we have sex she starts apologising for not being good at it which turns me off so badly.

Or for example I'd get in the mood and say do you want me to lick your p***y and she'd say stuff like you don't have to if you don't feel like it or i had a shower only this morning or i didnt wax recently. This isnt because she doesnt want me to do it, it's because she is extremely self conscious and afraid to disappoint.

I tried to have sex with her while we watch porn to help me get in the mood (i didnt tell her that) and she got jealous and didn't like it. I told her to watch sex videos so she gets better at it (we can only meet rarely) and she said she will but i dont think she is doing it (99% sure she isnt).

The problem is that i really love her and she loves me. I would not mind being in a sexless relationship, to be honest, but i dont want to tell her that cause i dont want her to feel not wanted... so for now i keep faking it.

The thing is i'm a very horny person. I get excited very easily... so it's a bit hard... there are times when we meet and i get excited from a scene in a movie and if i could id rather pleasure myself than go through sex... but i cant do that so i end up feeling more sexually frustrated than when i am by myself... I haven't cheated on her nor do i plan too. I might get/send nudes for fun online, but not more than that.

----

So my question is how do i fix this. I am 100% sure i will not ever meet such a great person ever in my life so there is no way i want to break up with her just to find sex.

On the other hand i feel like we are not making any progress. I tell her to stop apologising and she keeps doing it. I tell her to watch porn so she's more experienced she doesnt do it... So i have no idea how to make this work.

She was a virgin when i met her about 5 years ago. However when I was a virgin I was not like her...

To be honest it feels like her insecurities are totally paralysing her when we have sex. She's so afraid she will do something wrong that she doesnt do anything and apologises for everything. So I understand this is the problem, but how do i get from this to making her confident and stuff...? We cannot afford therapy etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
If you can't understand how an attractive person can become sexually unattractive because of their awkward personality, i think you have a problem, not me. Have you seen a physically not perfect woman (maybe chubby etc) that is very sexy because of the way she behaves etc? It's the same in my case, just the opposite.
 

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You have a good point as I've been in the same situation. We resolved it by me taking charge in the bedroom and step by step over a few months teaching her how to be a better lover.
It will take some work.

Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk
 

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I don't think you two are sexually compatible, as you are likely too similar. You each want to please/serve the other. You look to each other for leadership.

You need a woman who is naturally confident and wants to be pleased, not one who needs reassurance from you.

I would kindly and gently, but firmly, explain that this relationship is not going to be optimal for either of you. Tell her she is someday going to meet a man who is going to be charmed by her pleasing nature and self-effacing ways. Tell her you want the best for her, and that you believe that kind of man would be best for her.

As for yourself, make sure the next woman you are with has that vibe you are looking for. You seem to like confident, take charge women who expect you to please them. So stick with your type. You will be much happier in the end.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Note 4 guy - you went so quick from couldn't understand to "you have a point". lol


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jld - yes, i thought about that... but i dont think losing what i have now for just better sex is worth it. Not to mention I would never want to hurt her.

Also, I am afraid her next bf will take advantage of her nature. Not just her bf, but her boss, her work colleagues etc. I do not think western societies treat people who are kind and always assume everything is their fault very well at all.

I think it's better for both of us if she changes and she thinks so too, but we have no idea how to do it...
 

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You might want to find a sex therapist. They have methods that the teach people that could probably help quite a bit.
 

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You might want to find a sex therapist. They have methods that the teach people that could probably help quite a bit.
That can change their essential sexual nature?
 

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Note 4 guy - you went so quick from couldn't understand to "you have a point". lol


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jld - yes, i thought about that... but i dont think losing what i have now for just better sex is worth it. Not to mention I would never want to hurt her.

Also, I am afraid her next bf will take advantage of her nature. Not just her bf, but her boss, her work colleagues etc. I do not think western societies treat people who are kind and always assume everything is their fault very well at all.

I think it's better for both of us if she changes and she thinks so too, but we have no idea how to do it...
To me, trying to change her essential sexual nature is likely impossible.

OP, she needs someone who wants to reassure her that she is already just fine the way she is. Such a man would be pleased by her nature, in fact. She would fit him very well, her needing reassurance and his needing to give it, no big efforts to somehow change required on either side.

You are right that she is vulnerable. It would be easy for an unscrupulous man to take advantage of her nature.

But that is still not a reason for either of you to stay in a sexually incompatible relationship. It is cheating both of you out of finding more genuinely suitable matches. And that is what will truly cause you both pain long term.
 
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I don't think this is a case of sexual incompatibility @jld. Not sure they've even got far enough with each other to determine that. It sounds as though she has no confidence in anything, including herself, and as OP said - that's not sexy.

I know this personality type well, and it drives me nuts. Meek, zero confidence in herself. Likely brought up that way. Too worried about appearances and the little things to enjoy herself, or focus on what's really important.

A severe lack of confidence IS unsexy, and that's what OP's talking about. It seems to manifest in other aspects of her life, not just sex.

This can be overcome, IMO, but OP has to really sit and talk with his wife. I don't get the impression that she feels she's on equal footing with him (nor do I think she'd feel equal to any other man).

OP, what part of the world are you from? I may be way off here (and if so, I apologize), but is it common for women to be somewhat subservient in your culture? Or at the very least, is this how your wife was brought up, regardless of your nationality/culture?
 

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Hello,


I am 33 years old and she is 29 years old.

I think she is the greatest person I have ever met and has all the qualities that I would want in a relationship...

Except for that vibe that make women sexy.

She is shy and awkward and because of that she is not sexy at all even if her body is 9/10 and her face is extremely beautiful.

She loves putting herself down and apologising for everything which really makes me lose any sexual interest in her.

You know how they say confidence is sexy, well she has none of it.

She wants to have sex with me, but in bed it feels like she is lifeless. Even when I want to change sexual positions I have to push her quite a bit before she gets the message, unlike other girls who you just tap and they move.

What's even worse is that while we have sex she starts apologising for not being good at it which turns me off so badly.

Or for example I'd get in the mood and say do you want me to lick your p***y and she'd say stuff like you don't have to if you don't feel like it or i had a shower only this morning or i didnt wax recently. This isnt because she doesnt want me to do it, it's because she is extremely self conscious and afraid to disappoint.

I tried to have sex with her while we watch porn to help me get in the mood (i didnt tell her that) and she got jealous and didn't like it. I told her to watch sex videos so she gets better at it (we can only meet rarely) and she said she will but i dont think she is doing it (99% sure she isnt).

The problem is that i really love her and she loves me. I would not mind being in a sexless relationship, to be honest, but i dont want to tell her that cause i dont want her to feel not wanted... so for now i keep faking it.

The thing is i'm a very horny person. I get excited very easily... so it's a bit hard... there are times when we meet and i get excited from a scene in a movie and if i could id rather pleasure myself than go through sex... but i cant do that so i end up feeling more sexually frustrated than when i am by myself... I haven't cheated on her nor do i plan too. I might get/send nudes for fun online, but not more than that.

----

So my question is how do i fix this. I am 100% sure i will not ever meet such a great person ever in my life so there is no way i want to break up with her just to find sex.

On the other hand i feel like we are not making any progress. I tell her to stop apologising and she keeps doing it. I tell her to watch porn so she's more experienced she doesnt do it... So i have no idea how to make this work.

She was a virgin when i met her about 5 years ago. However when I was a virgin I was not like her...

To be honest it feels like her insecurities are totally paralysing her when we have sex. She's so afraid she will do something wrong that she doesnt do anything and apologises for everything. So I understand this is the problem, but how do i get from this to making her confident and stuff...? We cannot afford therapy etc.

She is 29 and you were her first, 5 years ago?
You say you wouldn't mind a sexless relationship because you love her so much but then you say you're a very horny person?
Your idea for addressing this "issue" is to have her watch porn to learn how do do it?
And your user name Too Young or Chu Yon....?

Is today a school holiday? You were up awfully late last night!


Trying to address sexual insecurity by watching porn is like trying to loose weight by eating fast food.

I hope your mother takes away your electronics for a month!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Im from the USA. We are both caucasian even if my username is asian. Not sure why the username matters. anyway.

Yes she was a virgin until she met me.

Yes she is not very confident in any aspects of her life and like it was mentioned, that is very unsexy. I want to help her change this as she is extremely smart and a great person, so it's such a shame she undersells herself so badly.

She realises this is a problem but we can't figure out how to change it. I'm not very confident myself, but it isnt as bad as it is in her case. I might be 7/10 confident while she is 3/10 confident.

I'd be extremely hypocritical if I were to separate cause of this since i have the same issue... however i cannot make myself find this behaviour attractive or sexy. i just can't. It puts me off greatly.

I am a horny person, but I would prefer sexless than trying to have sex with a person i am not sexually attracted to, yes.

I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them. It's like learning how to drive by watching other people drive. Sure, you won't become the best driver, but you'll get to a point from where you can teach yourself the rest. And it's far better than just jumping in a car with no idea of how to run it. Even if she lacks confidence, if she knew what was "normal" to do i dont think that she would apologise all the time, thinking that what she is doing is something she needs to be sorry for even if it isn't.
 

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I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them.
You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly. And you're just sending her deeper into her shell by demanding that she watch porn. She already feels like she can't please you, and after watching porn she'll probably think there is no way she could make you happy.

Any sexual act is ok as long as 2 consenting adults agree that the act is acceptable to them. But you have to experience those thing and become comfortable with those things together. She's opened herself up to you and offering herself to you. She's given you a gift - act like a man and lead the experience. What does she get out of it? Focus on her and give her some mind blowing orgasms - that'll get the creative juices flowing for her.

And your woman sounds like a submissive. Try BDSM.
 

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Lack of sexual desire is enough of a reason to go. Life goes on a long, long time. It's a major part of life. There's a book out, called "Come as you are," about women and orgasm, but here's why I think the problem is bigger than that: You're wanting to change another person. You need to look at that. I sound abrupt with you, but I myself need to change myself and I project my pain onto what my husband is doing or not doing. It's much harder for me to live in my own power, and I'm struggling with it. Easier to say someone else must change.
 

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I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them.
LMAO. Yes, because we ALL know that porn is so realistic.

Let her learn from that biased crap and before long, she'll be happy to have no foreplay at all and just insist that it's ALL about giving you BJs and then you spitting on every orifice she has before ramming it into her because God knows there won't be any natural lube.

Oh - and she'll also learn to look for the camera lens in your bedroom so she can fake moan very loudly while looking right into it.

And beware the pizza man, the UPS man or your landlord - they'll no sooner knock on the door and she'll have them on the couch asking for the same nonreciprocal sex she learned from porn and making sure only he's pleased so they can provide that coveted 'money' shot.

Good luck with that.
 

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LMAO. Yes, because we ALL know that porn is so realistic.

Let her learn from that biased crap and before long, she'll be happy to have no foreplay at all and just insist that it's ALL about giving you BJs and then you spitting on every orifice she has before ramming it into her because God knows there won't be any natural lube.

Oh - and she'll also learn to look for the camera lens in your bedroom so she can fake moan very loudly while looking right into it.

And beware the pizza man, the UPS man or your landlord - they'll no sooner knock on the door and she'll have them on the couch asking for the same nonreciprocal sex she learned from porn and making sure only he's pleased so they can provide that coveted 'money' shot.

Good luck with that.
And then this:

 

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I told her to watch sex videos so she gets better at it (we can only meet rarely) and she said she will but i dont think she is doing it (99% sure she isnt).
I once purchased my wife a book on understanding and improving sexuality that was written by someone with a PHD on human behavior.

...ummmmm, long story short, I learned that I would never ever accuse my wife of being sexually inadequate again!!!!!!

@Chu Yong I would advise you to get a book on female sexuality by someone with a PHD and YOU read it! I did, and it explains a lot and has proven helpful. Skip the porn, it is all fake and pretend, just like big budget hollywood movies.



Cheers,
Badsanta
 

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Discussion Starter #19
"You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly."


Please tell me how homemade/amateur porn is "so far from normal it's silly".

Just because for you porn = ONLY commercial BS movies with porn stars, that doesn't mean porn is only like that.

That's like saying that because one kind of car is a toyota sedan, then all cars are family cars and so far from racing it's silly.
 

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Im from the USA. We are both caucasian even if my username is asian. Not sure why the username matters. anyway.

Yes she was a virgin until she met me.

Yes she is not very confident in any aspects of her life and like it was mentioned, that is very unsexy. I want to help her change this as she is extremely smart and a great person, so it's such a shame she undersells herself so badly.

She realises this is a problem but we can't figure out how to change it. I'm not very confident myself, but it isnt as bad as it is in her case. I might be 7/10 confident while she is 3/10 confident.

I'd be extremely hypocritical if I were to separate cause of this since i have the same issue... however i cannot make myself find this behaviour attractive or sexy. i just can't. It puts me off greatly.

I am a horny person, but I would prefer sexless than trying to have sex with a person i am not sexually attracted to, yes.

I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them. It's like learning how to drive by watching other people drive. Sure, you won't become the best driver, but you'll get to a point from where you can teach yourself the rest. And it's far better than just jumping in a car with no idea of how to run it. Even if she lacks confidence, if she knew what was "normal" to do i dont think that she would apologise all the time, thinking that what she is doing is something she needs to be sorry for even if it isn't.
Watching porn is 'normal' in a healthy sexual relationship? I don't know where you got that idea from. You are still relatively young, time and patience and a willingness to be patient to explore one another is what you need , not some horny porn videos, if she has little confidence in herself, watching hot babes with no inhibitions is in no way going to help her. If I am right, they will make her feel, even less confident and the way you are going about it, seems to her like you are comparing her with them and expecting her to be like them. No woman wants to be compared or expected to act like a porn princess.
In fact I think you are the one with the problems. I feel sorry for your wife. A loving husband would tell his wife how beautiful she is, how her body thrills him, kiss her all over and so on so that she knows it is her and only her that gets him going, (not some porn princess on the screen).
In fact I think you have f***** it up royally and done a lot of damage. If my H did that to me, I would tell him to f*** off and get himself a porn princess.
Sounds like you don't have a clue about what a loving sexual relationship is.
The sexual relationship starts off and grows in very different ways, you have to put in the effort and it does not sound like you are doing that.

Go and get some sex therapy to talk through these issues
 
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