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I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...
 

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I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...
What do you mean by alternative options? Can you be more explicit?

Do you mean giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. Or do you mean opening up the marriage for a third party or parties to come in?
 
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I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...
What do you mean by alternative options? Can you be more explicit?

Do you mean giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. Or do you mean opening up the marriage for a third party or parties to come in?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
What do you mean by alternative options? Can you be more explicit?

Do you mean giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. Or do you mean opening up the marriage for a third party or parties to come in?
[/QUOTE
What do you mean by alternative options? Can you be more explicit?

Do you mean giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. Or do you mean opening up the marriage for a third party or parties to come in?
Probably starting an affair
 

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I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...
Be straight with her. You are needing some lady cake and she is your lady.

Marriages need worked on even at our age.😉
 

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So you think that a new sexual partner will get you to have a full erection again?

The depression is causing you to seek outside solutions to your internal pollution.

Is there anyway your doctor can switch the meds so that you don't have erectile dysfunction issues? Have your testosterone levels been checked?

It is very normal for males to start losing testosterone after age 40. It declines more and more each year.

Having an affair will devastate your wife and probably end your marriage.
 

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Are you craving an affair more than you are craving your wife at the moment?

You say that you spoke to her, but she was reluctant to try again with you.
I think you will need more than one conversation about this though if you do want intimacy with your wife again.
At the moment you only "think" she prefers it this way.
And that sounds like you taking that as your starting point for an affair.

Your wife may also be going through menopause or post menopause, so may have her own issues, like you have yours, or also be medicated in some way that affects her libido.

Sex doesn't need to be PIV or include orgasm, something like karezza might work for you as a couple to get a physical connection. Short contact first if your wife isn't ready for a long session with you.
 

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How long have you been craving sex and how long has it been that you had this talk with your wife?

I would definitely try to get her to understand your needs. Oral sex can still be performed by both of you. Believe me that if you don't tell her in no uncertain terms that you need intimacy with her. If she tells you know again, then you need to decide if her no is not good enough for you.

Be honest and tell her that these years without sex have made you want to step out of the marriage to get it on the side. You don't want to do this, but sex is a necessity for you.

I hope she wants to be intimate with you again. It would be a shame that you don't get your needs met, or you two end up separating.
 

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Mik, you need to have a VERY SERIOUS sit down with your wife and ask her if she is going to refuse sex to you from here on out. And if she answers in the affirmative, than you ask her "Do you expect me to live out the rest of my life without sex?". What this does is indirectly show her that the life that she is attempting to doom you to, is selfish, not realistic and a deal breaker. It forces her to see that it is ridiculous for her to expect you to live your life as a priest.

If she is responsive to your frustration, then you two can work together to compromise and figure what you both need and require to help the other be sexually interested; whether it be more intimacy, counseling, weight loss (ie. making oneself more physically attractive), medication aids, etc. However, if she flat out refuses, and will not work with you, then you need to make the decision to either A)live the remainder of your life as a priest, or B) begin preparations for a divorce, so that you can go about finding a spouse that WILL fulfill your needs.

Cheating on your wife, is way, WAY worse of an act, than she is doing to you by denying you sex. Why even be married to her then? Because all of that talk of being "happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc)" is then, all a lie. Would you be ok with her having an affair behind your back? Probably not, which would make you an enormous hypocrite.

And then there is the practical problems, like contracting an STD or possibly knocking up an affair partner. Either way, affairs also have a very ugly habit of surfacing in ways that you never expect and you will probably get caught.

Talk to her and rationalize with her. If all else fails, divorce her, before you go banging any strange. That is what a real man would do.
 

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Are you both fit and healthy or do you want to improve physically? Feeling good, looking good does a lot to boost libido. Definitely make sure your wife understands how serious this is to you. How long have you guys tried to fix this problem? If it's been a long time and you've both tried everything, then yeah talk about an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Everything is about clear communication and respect.
 

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So you think that a new sexual partner will get you to have a full erection again?
He gets an erection... he can't ejaculate during sex, but he can with masturbation. He would like to try sex again, but his wife, after years of no sex and in her 50s, I assume, is happy with the status quo.
OP, I doubt you'll get anywhere now with your wife. Also, you want to have an extramarital affair when you can't come during sex? I bet your new partner would be very happy about that. Silly idea.
 

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I know a guy who is in a similar situation...He chose the path of a sex worker....According to him, things are working great..She has no desire to blow up his life and he gets that part of his life in order..I'm not saying do the same thing, just wanted to relay that info...

I don't know what advice to give...If you stay, you will basically have to beat your wife over the head to get what will amount to pity/duty sex....probably very infrequent at best.. If you leave, then you blow your life up for who knows what you wind up with and you are leaving what is otherwise a very good and happy relationship...You are like a rat in a maze with no way to get to the treat...

I guess you can first try to work on your own issue by dealing with the depression by natural means(I am a big proponent of stuff like vigorous exercise, the outdoors, and music, etc) all as forms of dealing with depression and other psychological challenges...Meds do more harm than good, IMO, and should only really be considered as a last resort.. I guess the only thing there is even if you resolve those issues, you still won't likely get your wife to come around...I know the others suggested it, but I am not a fan of cornering someone about this...Either they are enthusiastic participants or I have no desire to counsel, nag, coerce, threaten etc...No way...

I wish you well..
 

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Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts?
Well yeah...

If she doesn’t want to do PIV or can’t but she really does love you it shouldn’t be a problem for her to jerk you off.

If you’re like me you can use it as a temporary patch while you work on getting back to regular PIV.

For me there was no point in trying to outsource sex.

If a woman doesn’t want to be with me physically with PIV then no matter how great we get along, what hobbies we share, what good times we had; she is rejecting something very important that I need from her and I realized I’d rather just start again.

Fortunately in my case that didn’t happen and I had insane hot crazy monkey sex with my wife last night.
 

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Why don't you try and ween off the depression meds? Get active, try some natural remedies (cutting sugar or gluten), and eat less processed foods (I know a lot of people swear by this type of stuff for anxiety and depression. Go investigate and talk to people at your local natural/organic grocer).

Why talk to your wife about it?... just go up and woo her with some dinner, flowers, and wine... see what happens. If it doesn't work first time, just fake it so she doesn't feel bad so she'll be up for continuing it.

If you're on porn- throw it out. This is the all time worst marriage wrecker (after drugs/alcohol).
 

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Duty sex is better than no sex. She should be willing to accommodate your needs. If you were disabled and bedridden, would you wipe your butt for you if you couldn't do it? I'd bet she would. Having sex should be much less of a duty. If she agrees and can't progress from duty sex, you have a bigger decision to make. At least exhaust all of your options before you have an affair.

Are you having any erection issues? Are you unable to ejaculate or are you unable to have an orgasm with PIV? You don't have to ejaculate to have an orgasm. Have you been checked for prostate issues that can interfere with ejaculation?
 

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I can relate. Any attempt at insertion causes extreme pain for my wife and she has totally lost her libido. I told her I actually wished men would go through menopause like women so we could stop having the drive and desires. I've resorted to the "internet" (if you know what I mean). My wife, though she's not too thrilled about it, has accepted this as being better than the alternative. It replaces "sex" but it doesn't replace "making love". That's what I miss so, so much, the closeness we achieved when truly making love. So sex has become a very lonely pursuit. I achieve orgasm that satisfies my craving but each time, I immediately go into depression afterwards because of the loneliness and meaningless of it. We attempt, at times, to have her involved but in most cases I can't achieve orgasm. My mind wanders with concerns about her comfort, or her demeanor about it, or my longing for the old days. So I don't have answers other than...you're not in the boat alone.
 

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I can relate. Any attempt at insertion causes extreme pain for my wife and she has totally lost her libido. I told her I actually wished men would go through menopause like women so we could stop having the drive and desires. I've resorted to the "internet" (if you know what I mean). My wife, though she's not too thrilled about it, has accepted this as being better than the alternative. It replaces "sex" but it doesn't replace "making love". That's what I miss so, so much, the closeness we achieved when truly making love. So sex has become a very lonely pursuit. I achieve orgasm that satisfies my craving but each time, I immediately go into depression afterwards because of the loneliness and meaningless of it. We attempt, at times, to have her involved but in most cases I can't achieve orgasm. My mind wanders with concerns about her comfort, or her demeanor about it, or my longing for the old days. So I don't have answers other than...you're not in the boat alone.
Making love doesn't have to include PIV at all.
 

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I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...
I am unclear about what actually happened with your sex life over the past few years...are you saying that you have not had sex for a number of years because of YOU, and your lack of engaging in sex because you couldn't orgasm? Did YOU back off from a mutual sex life with her because of your libido and performance issues? Have you had any discussions about that with her from the start of those issues...did you ever try anything else besides stopping sex? If your only problem was orgasming, why did you allow all sexual contact to stop?

You THINK she prefers no sex...have you ever ASKED her??

Also, why do you think you are more easily able to masturbate to orgasm than with sex? Were you using porn when you started having that problem?

You haven't really given enough detail about how your sex life disappeared for anyone to be able to give accurate advice about whether alternative options would be helpful for you. From what you've posted, it sounds like you have no where near the communication skills needed to navigate an open relationship. Are you even talking about ethical non-monogamy?

And what other work have you done on your sex life with your wife before wanting to jump right away into "alternative options"??

I have to be honest -- if my husband stopped wanting sex with me, and then tried to bring it back after YEARS, I would also be reluctant...maybe she IS happier without sex, but maybe she also doesn't trust you after you haven't wanted her all this time. Maybe she was really resentful and unhappy that her sex life ended years ago, but she stayed and loved you anyway. Or maybe not.

You need to come back and give more details.
 

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well, I am on the same boat as you are. Sex is more me getting down on him. and it is done. I am at the point where if my husband initiate it, I dont think I'll go for it. it is just too much rejection and resentment there. If you can talk about it, then it is good. sadly in my case, he refuse to talk about it
 

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Dear Mik-2.

I was in a sex starved marriage and it emotionally hurt. I didn't have any libido busting drug problems or ED, but it still emotionally hurt.

My advice is talk to your wife and tell her that the two of you need to see a marriage counselor. In particular sex therapists are marriage counselor with extra training in sexual problems. Your marriage has some serious sexual problems that have probably turned into psychological and emotional problems between you and your wife.

The cost of a good Sex Therapist is a lot less expensive than the cost of two good divorce attorneys.
 

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I can relate. Any attempt at insertion causes extreme pain for my wife and she has totally lost her libido. I told her I actually wished men would go through menopause like women so we could stop having the drive and desires. I've resorted to the "internet" (if you know what I mean). My wife, though she's not too thrilled about it, has accepted this as being better than the alternative. It replaces "sex" but it doesn't replace "making love". That's what I miss so, so much, the closeness we achieved when truly making love. So sex has become a very lonely pursuit. I achieve orgasm that satisfies my craving but each time, I immediately go into depression afterwards because of the loneliness and meaningless of it. We attempt, at times, to have her involved but in most cases I can't achieve orgasm. My mind wanders with concerns about her comfort, or her demeanor about it, or my longing for the old days. So I don't have answers other than...you're not in the boat alone.
She can probably fix her pain issues with HRT therapy. My wife used to have pain. After hysterectomy and getting on HRT it is gone and she is always game. Physical intimacy is important to both of us thankfully. If my wife chose to withhold from me it is a deal breaker that i consider sexually immoral. I have also told her if i became impotent, i would have implant surgery to fix the issue.
 
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