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hey everyone im a new member on here . I've just separated from my wife of only 2 years. we dated for 3 years before. when we started dating we would only be intimate maybe once a week. she was very stiff and shy but functional and beautiful. Ive been around the block so just thought maybe in time she d loosen up a bit ya know. boy was i wrong. 1 week turned into 2 , 2 to 3, in the last year we were intimate maybe 4 times. Im only 34 and just couldnt take it anymore. tried counseling a few times and she refused to talk about sex. I feel bad because shes a mess at the moment as its only been about a week since I left.

But I also feel that why should I be unhappy for the rest of my life just to make her happy. I pay all the bills, gave her the new house, car, dog, perfect little life. But I felt like a prisoner. If you know you arnt happy and are going to start looking elsewhere to fullfill your physical needs isnt it better for the both of you to end it before there are kids involved.anyways just venting.

Thx,

the bad guy
 

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Did you tell her you left because of no sex? What does she say about the no sex thing now?

I do not get people who will not have sex with their spouse ... unless there is some serious abuse or neglect.
 

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You are not the bad guy. Sex is a very normal, natural pleasure shared between two people who love each other. I think you did the right thing by ending the marriage if you did not plan on being faithful. You tried counseling and talking to her but she couldn't be the person you wanted her to be.
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I think it's great that you made the decision to leave, I read so many stories on here where people stay in sexless marriages for 10 years and more, and nothing changes. I don't understand why people stay in these types of situations.

So, you left, do you think this will open her eyes? I wouldn't go back until she is committed to working on this area of your marriage. She needs to know what is acceptable and not in terms of a healthy relationship.

good luck
 

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You signed up to be married--not roommates. Couples having sex less than 10 times a year are considered by therapists to have a "sexless marriage." Perhaps your leaving will wake her up to seek real help, maybe see a sex therapist and get a complete physical. But the very same things going on insider her that make it difficult for her to talk to you about sex and be sexual with you, make it difficult for her to talk to a stranger about sex. So that first step will be the big hurtle. Also, some people are just kind of asexual or very low desire and won't be changed. I wish you the best.
 

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Anyone who didn't do what you did is a fool in my humble opionion, and thankfully you pulled before you had kids..... that is usually what keeps men staying...because they put thier children before themselves.... and frankly loosing all enthusiam for life itself to where they become a depressive shell.

Hopefully she will seek help because making love is a vital part of marraige -it IS the connective bond that ties 2 to each other, it simply does so very much that is hard to even express...

This article captures that, it was written by someone trapped in a sexless marraige, it is very moving.....

This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - And yet - Open Salon

Life is short, we need to be matched with someone compatible, and sexually compatible is HUGE. They say it is less than 10% of the relationship ,but when it is broken or absent, it becomes 90%.
 

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Talking from my experience you did the correct thing. It does happen but very few people change. You went threw the steps for help and nothing happened.

I do not understand why a spouse will cut back on sex even more when they already know it is a problem.

Good luck.
 

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Do you think your wife, or stbxw, could be encouraged to go to counseling for herself? It sounds like there may be more than just sexual repression/inhibitions in her past, and it would be a shame if she didn't try and reach out for some kind of help. I hope she will at some point for her own sake.

Best wishes.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
up at 7 am cause cant sleep. to answer someones question above. yes Ive been telling her that no sex has been a huge issue for the last 4 years and she would just say"all I care about is sex answer" there was no abuse or neglect actually quite the opposite. I would rub her feet ,back, and head everyday after she came home from work but yet nothing from her in return. it was like having this beautiful Porsche and never getting to drive it.lol I apologize in advance to any woman for that analogy but its just how men relate things in their heads sometimes.

thanks everyone for posting a reply it really does help

a new year a new life

thx

the bad guy
 

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up at 7 am cause cant sleep. to answer someones question above. yes Ive been telling her that no sex has been a huge issue for the last 4 years and she would just say"all I care about is sex answer" there was no abuse or neglect actually quite the opposite. I would rub her feet ,back, and head everyday after she came home from work but yet nothing from her in return. it was like having this beautiful Porsche and never getting to drive it.lol I apologize in advance to any woman for that analogy but its just how men relate things in their heads sometimes.

thanks everyone for posting a reply it really does help

a new year a new life

thx

the bad guy
good for you. good luck.
 

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Sounds like my wife. Beautiful woman, has everything a man could want and more only no interest in sex.

I have been at it for 21 years and been married for 15. Wishing now I could go back and see the writing on the wall. There is no easy way out now, so if you cant fix things here and now. Better to cut your losses and find someone who is more in tune with you. You are too young to have to be in that situation. I am only 37 and wish I could turn the clock back.
 

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Sorry you're in this situation. Do you see now the red flags before marriage? You won't make that mistake again ;)

How are you feeling today about things? Ready to continue separation? Divorce?
 

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I also believe you made a wise choice. I've seen some husbands who were in the same situation as you only to find out that their wives were having sex with other men, just not with them. :mad:
 

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hey everyone im a new member on here . I've just separated from my wife of only 2 years. we dated for 3 years before. when we started dating we would only be intimate maybe once a week. she was very stiff and shy but functional and beautiful. Ive been around the block so just thought maybe in time she d loosen up a bit ya know. boy was i wrong. 1 week turned into 2 , 2 to 3, in the last year we were intimate maybe 4 times. Im only 34 and just couldnt take it anymore. tried counseling a few times and she refused to talk about sex. I feel bad because shes a mess at the moment as its only been about a week since I left.

But I also feel that why should I be unhappy for the rest of my life just to make her happy. I pay all the bills, gave her the new house, car, dog, perfect little life. But I felt like a prisoner. If you know you arnt happy and are going to start looking elsewhere to fullfill your physical needs isnt it better for the both of you to end it before there are kids involved.anyways just venting.

Thx,

the bad guy
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I also believe you made a wise choice. I've seen some husbands who were in the same situation as you only to find out that their wives were having sex with other men, just not with them. :mad:
Yeah, that's a whole different ball game tho, don't think that it's happening here.
 

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Good for you in being honest enough to admit you cannot live that way...
Can I ask how you told others \ how its going?

I am in a similar situation, and find myself on the verge of thinking of having an exit affair all day everyday, and i know I have to find the guts to leave. The thoughts are consuming me. Our drives do not match, hes busting his butt being a perfect husband in every other way, I just cannot life with sex once a month or feeling like I am forcing someone to do it just for me.

Kudos to you, good luck in the future.
 

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I am in a similar situation, and find myself on the verge of thinking of having an exit affair all day everyday, and i know I have to find the guts to leave.
Nix those thoughts about having an exit affair. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, and more so when the LD (low drive) spouse is a good person.

If you leave your husband, then do it with dignity and not in disgraceful shame for betraying your moral principles.

Once divorced you can have all the casual sex you want. If that is what you truly want.
 

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Is it possible that she was sexually abused when she was younger? Maybe something she has never told you about? That would explain why she would feel like you are "all about sex". She might very seriously have a problem relating sex to love, or sex might even make her feel dirty, vulnerable and ashamed. Also could be why she is "stiff" and not able to relax. I know you have already left, but before you rush out and find someone else I would urge you to stick it out a little longer. If there is something in her past that has made her this way, or something medically wrong, and it can be solved it would make it soo much better, then you could have the whole package!! I know you have tried, and I can totally relate to you wanting to connect to your wife that way. Just realize there could be a very good and very fixable reason for her hang up on sex.
 

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Just realize there could be a very good and very fixable reason for her hang up on sex.
The problem is that a lot of spouses don't do anything until it reaches crisis level such as the other spouse leaving before they do anything about it. The problem is that by then it may be too little too late because of the resentment and lack of trust from the walk away spouse.
 

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phil3path,

Glad to here to you moved on. Based upon historical evidence amongst these forums, I believe you didnt do enough to try and make the marriage work. But you did divorce her, which is action, which is something far too many guys around here cant do.


Im gonna take a stab and say that you were neglecting your wife, in the sence that she said to you, "All you want is sex"
Even thoguh you were giving her back rubs and everything.

I firmly believe that you need to build a strong emotional foundation with your wife so that she knows you are interested in more than just her body. After this is done, she is gonna be begging for sex as much as any "nice guy"

Regardless of whether or not you believe you carry any blame, I highly suggest you work on yourself, otherwise you will attract the same type of woman as your ex.
 
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