[Mindy345]

I am a woman in my twenties, and it seems that unless I learn how to like sex, there's no way I can get married. I want a life partner, but sex - yikes, I'd rather clean the bathroom.

I read about people here, suffering for sexlessness, and yet here I am, suffering for the fact that I have to either do it or be alone. I have had boyfriends, with whom I have been deeply in love. Even currently I have one. But sex feels - silly and dirty and time-consuming.

Any piece of advice you could give me?

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

Before you get much in the way of advice, it would probably be worthwhile to get your story. Are you asexual or do you have feelings of desire yet simply don't like how you go about satisfying those urges? Were you assaulted sexually, abused or nothing of that sort ever happen to you? Lot's of info missing.

But to make a long story short, if you want marital love, then there are things you have to do to develop that type of relationship. If you are asexual, then perhaps there is some sort of online support or meet up groups where asexuals can "date" and see if they want to make a long term commitment.

But, we know too little about you to give you any meaningful advice at the moment.

 

[CharlieParker]

Be honest, open and forthright about your feelings from the start. While you'll be limiting the pool of candidates you may find someone who is OK with that. Many of the problems here are a result of one partner changing their atitude towards sex after marriage. Read about "bait and switch" and don't do that.

 

[east2west]

I agree with Plan 9's request for more info.

But the one piece of advice I will give is this.

If you don't like sex don't marry someone that likes sex.

They will only want it more and more as time goes on.

No matter how much you think "love" him.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

Find a guy who isn't into sex either.That's really the only way you're ever going to have a happy relationship unless there's more to your story about why you don't like sex.

 

[Mindy345]

No, I have never been abused... I just don't have the desire almost ever. Even if I do (very rarely; twice a year or something), I don't like penetration. I can't really say why I don't, well, it feels ok, not bad, but I don't really crave for it. And I don't want to have sex in exchange for love and commitment.

And hey, east2west, that's my whole point here! I do not want to make anyone miserable (including me); I would never marry someone with a high or even "normal" sex drive. I've had those kind of guys, and it doesn't work!

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

If you want to get married or possibly children then a doctor or possibly therapy would help.

There are not many happy sexless marriages. You could also be low drive.

Maybe change your mindset. In place of dirty, think of it as something really special/sacred or a deep connection between two people. Sex does start with the brain.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

No, I have never been abused... I just don't have the desire almost ever. Even if I do (very rarely; twice a year or something), I don't like penetration. I can't really say why I don't, well, it feels ok, not bad, but I don't really crave for it. And I don't want to have sex in exchange for love and commitment.

And hey, east2west, that's my whole point here! I do not want to make anyone miserable (including me); I would never marry someone with a high or even "normal" sex drive. I've had those kind of guys, and it doesn't work!

Probably a stupid question but have you ever had an orgasm?

 

[Mindy345]

There are not many happy sexless marriages. You could also be low drive.

Really? Am I a weird case? I never thought that way, but I guess other women, then, want it more than me.

 

[Mindy345]

Probably a stupid question but have you ever had an orgasm?

Yes. When first I started having sex, I never did, and I thought that that was the reason I didn't like sex. Then, one guy, determined to make me want sex (a sweet, good guy; don't get me wrong - he just wanted that we would work it out) made me have orgasms. Do I like to orgasms? Yeah, kind of, if they happen to happen, but on my free time, I don't dream about them or something.

 

[Woodchuck]

I am a woman in my twenties, and it seems that unless I learn how to like sex, there's no way I can get married. I want a life partner, but sex - yikes, I'd rather clean the bathroom.

I read about people here, suffering for sexlessness, and yet here I am, suffering for the fact that I have to either do it or be alone. I have had boyfriends, with whom I have been deeply in love. Even currently I have one. But sex feels - silly and dirty and time-consuming.

Any piece of advice you could give me?

Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.....It is still the most sublime of all human endeavors.... I added the bold text to this old somewhat stuffy quote...

As the resident DOM (dirty old man) Perhaps I can help....

My wife and I have had a wonderful and fulfilling sex life for most of our 47 years together, and It seems such a waste for a young person to forgo such a rich and meaningful segment of their life....

To not have the experience of lying in a lovers arms in the sweet afterglow of lovemaking is a tragedy...

Totally assexual people are truly rare, and I gather you have had sex. May I ask a few personal questions? Remember we are all friends here, and none of your answers or feelings will be new to us, so just jump in...

Have you had any traumatic sexual experiences that have given you any negative feelings?

Do you have a religous or cultural background that taught you sex was dirty of evil?

Do you enjoy the sight of a nude man (boyfriend), If not, how about a female nude?

Have you ever had an orgasm, alone or with someone?

I see you go online, so wasting some amount of time is not a problem, believe me, sex is a much more satisfying time waster...

I will wait for your answers, and hopefully the other board members and I can be of help to you ....

 

[CanadianGuy]

Please don't take this the wrong way.

Perhaps you're not sexually attracted to men in general (?)

Do you have any sexual feelings toward women?

 

[ScarletBegonias]

Please don't take this the wrong way.

Perhaps you're not sexually attracted to men in general (?)

Do you have any sexual feelings toward women?

I was wondering the same thing but her response about orgasms threw me on having any clue what the issue is.Far as I know,lesbians love orgasms just as much as the ladies who aren't lesbians.

 

[Mindy345]

Ok, some of those I already answered...

No, I don't really enjoy seeing anyone nude. Why would I?

I have also gone through the whole "am I attracted to females" phase. I really think I'm not: I want to touch females EVEN less than I want to touch males. What I like with men is hugging, kissing, etc. But taking clothes off turns me off.

And no especially strict religious background. I have always felt I'm normal, but now it seems, that all everyone else wants is sex.

Oh, and I don't want kids.

 

[east2west]

Really? Am I a weird case? I never thought that way, but I guess other women, then, want it more than me.

Yes they do. You sound asexual or very very low drive. I wouldn't describe it as weird. But rare, yes. I read somewhere, not sure where that 1% of the population was asexual. I don't know if that number is accurate but I doubt if it is very much higher than that. There are dating and support sites dedicated entirely to asexuals, they would probably understand your situation better than us.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

seems that unless I learn how to like sex, there's no way I can get married.

I think that's a fair statement.

Certainly it is not right to marry a man who does not desire a sexless relationship without being honest with him about your feelings. Now, I don't think it's impossible to find a man who wants marriage without sex. Perhaps there's a small chance. But the vast majority of men will want and expect sex if they're married. THEY are perfectly normal in this desire.

 

[Woodchuck]

Boy, talk about GREAT MINDS THINKING ALIKE......ALMOST EVERY POST CONTAINS THE SAME ELEMENTS OF REALLY GREAT ADVICE....

 

[kingsfan]

Interesting situation Mindy, and I think this is the third thread involvling what might be an asexual female on this forum in the past few weeks.

The last two didn't get treated to nicely, so you may be in a bumpy ride here.

I'm of the opinion that an asexual or low desire person can get married. It's like anything else though, be completely open from the beginning and tell anyone you start dating that sex is either not an option, or a very limited option. If a man knows and understands that you don't want or crave sex, or really even enjoy it very much from the sounds of it, and still wants to get married, then why shouldn't you be able to get married?

As I think you already understand, finding a man to marry who doesn't want much sex, if any, is pretty hard. But it's not impossible. On this board alone there is dozens of tales each month of women who are married to men who regularly turn down sex and could go months without it. So clearly, asexual/low desire men do exist and do prefer marriage (many of these wifes state their husbands do want to stay married, just don't want sex).

Depending on where you live, it could be difficult to find someone. Living in a small community far from a major centre might limit your option, but if you live in a major city, it could be as simple as trying an online dating service or a singles group. Just be 100% open an honest from the start. Remember, you can have 1,000 men get turned off by the fact you dislike sex, but you only need one to be ok with it to make it work.

I hope you find what you are looking for Mindy, all the best to you and kudos on knowing what you want and going for it.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

Beware of the men who think they've got the golden ticket to making you change.Somehow you have to make your potential partners understand you aren't going to suddenly change to wanting sex just because you're in love with them.You'll get men who will consider it a challenge rather than accepting you for who you are.

Is it just the sex part that you don't enjoy or is it intimacy all together? Kissing,hugs,other forms of affection...

 

[Mindy345]

Thanks for your replies!

The thing is, I love to show affection in other ways, you know, touching, being sweet... But the "actual" sex doesn't really work for me.


Yeah, I think I might go looking for guys who aren't so much into it either. Funny like that, they say I'm quite attractive. Maybe it has been the oversupply that has turned me off. Who knows?