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Hello,

I maybe desparate enough to post this in a guy's forum, but I don't know where else to find answers.
We have been together with my common law husband (never offically got married) for over 6 years. We have two kids together. After the birth of the 1st son, I caught him several times on communicating with other women-on-line and on the phone. Not getting into details, there were a lot of fights, I wanted to leave. We were in that mortgage together, could not sell condo. All in all, stayed together. After we had first son, we did not have sex for 8 months. I was not in my best shape, but still...I wanted to have sex, he seemd not interested, and I felt liek he was even to some point turned off by the way I looked with all those extra pounds. (don't get me wrong, it was still size 8, but out of my regualr shape).

It took us over 2 years of horrible relationship, and lots and lots of fights, before we finally started to communicate more or less normal. I got into much better shape. In two years we probably had sex 8 times. I was frustrated (and horny). He seemed to be fine.

I was not planning, but got pregnant again. I did not even want to say anything to him, becuase guess what-the sex life was GONE the minute he found out!!! I was so pissed off at him! but now it's even worse-we have two kids, the younger one is almost 6 months and NO SEX! It has been over a year.

He has a job, when his schedule is completely unpredictable and unverifiable. Several times I tried to call him in the middle of the night and he did not pick up the phone-only God knows where was he was doing what. Having bad experience with previous findings, I am on a look out for his infidelity, but it does not look like he is having communication with other women now. He is helpfull with kids., We dont fight much, as before-just regualr every day stuff. He does not seem to be behaving like there are other women in his life. He is even pretty patient with me b.i.t.c.h.ing at him constantly for every little thing. But NO SEX IN OVER A YEAR?

I confronted him several times with questions and, as expected-got an answer, that he works a lot, and no, he does not have any other women. And yes, according to him-he wants to have sex. But he NEVER approaches me. He is never acting like he actually is interested in having sex, even when there is a perfect situation.

I am not comfortable approaching him, remembering how bad it was after I had my first son-I felt like I was forcing him. So I am waiting.

Again, after baby, I am not in the best shape. I started to take better care of how I look, and I do get compliments from other people, ANd even my husband looks suspicious when he sees me all good looking going somewhere-"What, you got a lover?" But that is about all as far as our sexual relationship goes.
I tried to tease him, saying stuff like "Well, seems like you have one-why can't I?" or "You seem not to be interested in me any more-why not give chance to other men who still find me attractive?" He just ignores, or turns it into a joke. We sleep separately. We do nothing together, except rasing kids.

I can't beleive that a man can go withoutn sex for so long! So it bothers the hell out of me. I understand that we are both quite exhausted between work and kids. But HOW? I feel like my body is asking for some, even though I am very tired and did not have good sleep in a while. How he does not feel anything? I understand I may not be super attractive at this time-but hell, he is no Prince Charming either. regardless of what he thinks of his look...

So some guys' input will be appreciated. Is he possibly cheating? Or is it possible to live sex-less for so long?

We are in our mid-30's, and he owns his own business and does have a lot of stress, if that helps to understand the situation better.
 

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Unfortunately, we have a substantial number of women on the boards facing the same issue as you.

What we don't have, is a lot of guys posting that neglect their partner's desire for sex.

As a man, I simply can't relate. I cannot understand not wanting to meet a partners need for intimacy.

My personal opinion, and partly based on my own experience is that it is all too easy for a couple to get caught up in a dynamic of 'pursuer and runner'. You pursue your partner and they see it as their job to run from you ... regardless of whether it is about quality time, communication, or sex. It can be difficult to change the dynamic.

Do you know if he masturbates or uses pornography? If he is, under the circumstances then he is short-changing you and he shouldn't be.

No doubt others will have plenty of excellent input. Welcome to the boards.
 

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Just my 2 cents reading your story.

He is very busy at work... do you give him enough words of affirmation? I heard B*tchy instead.

Guys want a challenge he may see you as too desiring him. Perhaps back off entirely. Get some new hobbies and do less for him (less everything...cooking, cleaning, laundry). You do deserve a sex life so do less for him. Make yourself busy with new interests to have an excuse why other stuff is not getting done as well and don't even mention sex to him. Let him wonder whats up?.

Keep improving your body and self esteem. Get to the point that you could attract other men if you had to date. Wear a new sexy perfume etc. Buy new sexy panties etc.

I think being a guy and from a guys perspective that your husband needs to have things shaken up a bit by changing your behavior and changing other things about you and staying quiet about sex... that should be enough to re-kindle interest. Get to sleeping in the same bed wiil help.

I'll bet porn is involved for him.
Good Luck
 

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A couple of thoughts here.

Do you have a history of rejecting him or of using sex as a tool to manipulate or manage him? If so, he will be turned off by sex with you, because of the negative emotions attached to it.

Sex is a fun physical event, but for men it is also a bonding experience. Women, so they say, need to feel emotional closeness in order to have sex (I don't totally buy that), whereas men experience emotional closeness during and as a result of sex. In a marriage relationship a man wants to enjoy the emotional experience of sex in addition to enjoying the physical side of sex.

If your husband has fears about your relationship or if he feels you are belittling him in some way, or if he feels that you use sex as a tool or weapon in the relationship, he will not want to take the emotional risk of sex.

Porn and the resulting masturbation are a real concern. He may turn to porn as an outlet for his physical maintenance. That then will reduce his urge to approach you. It is a vicious cycle where his needs are easily met without emotional risk by using porn, and his desire for real sex is muted.

My personal belief is that all problems in a marriage are caused by both spouses. Sometimes one is more of a factor than the other, but they both bring dysfunction to the issue in a way that causes it not to be solved productively. I think it is wise to seek counseling.

The best advice I ever got on counseling was to just make an appointment and go. When my wife found out about the appointment she miraculously could attend despite having refused my earlier requests numerous times. Find a good marriage therapist who has experience with sex issues, and make an appointment.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Thank you very much to all who responeded! And I am learning a lot of good info from you guys (and girls). To continue on a subject, I will just answer to all in one post:
@ nicole 8125: No he never said that before.
@ trying2figuritout: You are right I don't give enough words. For me there are two resons (or call it excuses if you wish): 1) I got so hurt first time we had to go through "having contact with other women" period. That all I had-was being mean to him. For a long time. 2) I am trying to be comforting and always say things like (and I really do mean it!) "We really need you here. Boys miss you. I miss you. I' like to spend more time together. MOney is not important to us, to me. Don';t kill yourself over that issue-it's not worth it. Don't get overworked. It's more important that you take care of yourself"...Although it seems like I am talking to myself. With the second child, he actually started to be more responsive to my cries for help. With the first-I spent most of the holidays and weekends lonely, just me and hte baby. So after awhile, of seeing absolutely reversed responce to my callings, I stopped saying anything. WHen he felt down, I always tried to encourage him, by saying what a great job he did putting together his business, and thanking him for everything he does. But to be honest, when I am mad at him (usually when he promises something and does not do it, or does absolutely opposite) I get so mad, that I scream at him and put him down with my words. And he does ot a lot-promises one thing, and doing noting, or doing something else, and then come up weith lies or excuses. SO I loose my temper, especially when I rely on what he promises.

In terms of doing less for him-actually, here is our life at this point: I stopped doing his laundry the minute I found his chat on the internet with a girl (which he bluntly denied, even after I printed out the chat). Not doing it since. I do minimal cooking, mostly because I have to eat myself and I have two children to feed. If he eats-fine, if he is not home, I assume he eats at work (which he usually does). I am very independant-I work full time, have my own money He never supported me. I pay for everything for me and for kids. We have separate accounts-he pays for childcare, partially for groceries, utilites, mortgage. SOme times I chip in for nanny. I usually take care of all kids related activities, but if I ask, he will give money. I never ask him to pay for any of my stuff, it's just was always like this.
It's not like I chase him, or pursue him (well, except when I nag him to spend more time with kids, play, take the older son somewhere-he never has this initiative. If I take care of this-he seems tio be fine. But I want him to spend time with his sons)
I do cleaning. He can (if I ask only) wash the dishes. Take trash out. Clean cat's litter box, Do grocery shopping. But need to be asked.
I brought up the question about sleepiong in the same bed (honestly, not looking forward to that, kid of used to having the bed to myslef, and it's nice), but he says something-soimething about me and the baby, and breastfeeding.
Maybe he turned off by breastfeeding??

Porn: YES. I cought him watching porn multiple times. the only time I noticed that-when I was pregnant second time I never new he had interest in porn until then.
I never saw him or noticing masturbating...

So is watching porn quite enough for a guy to not to have sex? I always thought that watching porn will make you want to have sex...

@Thor: loooong tim before we had kids, yes, I turned down his offer to have sex few times (tired, needed to get up early, not feeling it). But he also did not want to have sex few times.
After having kids he seemed not interested in sex at all, at least with me. The only time he started to pay attention to our sexual relationship before the baby #2, this when I got back in shape We did not have good relationship at that time, I was even thinking of leaving him. but he started to work on the relationship, and voila-I got pregnant.
So, I gues there are a lot of things that I can do differently-weither I like doing them or not.
But the question stays the same: is it realistc for a 36 year old male, in over all good health NOT to have sex with a female for over a year? Especially when a female is availble.
@trying2figureitout: and agian, I am not that obviously desperate to him. I dont bring up that subject, dont act on it. I am kind of going day by day on a usualy routine: kid to day care, feed the baby-go to work, pick up from day care, cook, eat, bath everyone, feed everyone, put to sleep everyone. When we are home-we talk about nothing and very little. Usually about kids. Watch tv, browse internet. Some times go out to eat. Go to beds. Different rooms, different beds. I pretend that I dont care. And I relly do.
At this point I already put so much different stuff into my head, that I really not sure iuf I want to have sex with him any more...
WHen I tease him anbout other women-he gets all offended, like "I am not 18, and not going to ruin my family because of some stupid decisions", or " I dont need it, trust me" or " If you only see how hard I worked last night (yesterday, the whole week etc.)-you would realise there is no time for me even to think about other women" or " I have everything I want, I dont need anyone else"...
SOOOO?????....Frustrated still I am...

@Thor: I guess, councelling will be a good thing., He will not go. He thinks that everything is fine. Especially now, when we hardly fight. He really tried to spend more time with family, does almost everything I ask him. He will tell me that "it's all in your head" and "you have nothing else to do, so you are looking for problems" or " you dont know where else to find a problem" or "I am fine-if you have a problem-you can go"
 

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So is watching porn quite enough for a guy to not to have sex? I always thought that watching porn will make you want to have sex...
It can, depends on the frequency of porn viewing. My husband developed a porn habit viewing it and masturbating 4+ times a day. This took our sex life and threw it in the trash. No matter what I did or said he didn't see a problem with it. Finally after dealing with it for 6 months I told him i was leaving him cause I wasnt just going to be his roommate and i packed my crap (we have a daughter also). This I guess was the slap in the face he needed. The next day he talked to me and told me he wanted to work things out and he knew the porn was a problem and he would stop looking at it.

The first few weeks were real difficult for him and he barely had a drive for sex but he wasn't looking at porn his body and mind had to get out of that mindset of needing porn to become sexually aroused. But once he was able to get past that our sex life became increasingly better. He lasts longer, his erection is harder and our intimacy has increased all the way around he hugs and kisses me which prior to this he hadnt kissed me in 7 months and maybe hugged me 5 times.
 

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I am trying to be comforting and always say things like (and I really do mean it!) "We really need you here. Boys miss you. I miss you. I' like to spend more time together. MOney is not important to us, to me. Don';t kill yourself over that issue-it's not worth it. Don't get overworked. It's more important that you take care of yourself"...Although it seems like I am talking to myself. With the second child, he actually started to be more responsive to my cries for help.
As a disclaimer: it is really hard to frame a response about what you might do to improve the sex life when it seems like his own behaviors are the problem. To hear of how it hurts you is enough to make a guy lash out about him.

Do not, under any circumstances, consider your body shape to be a part of the problem. It rarely is in situations like this. If he was open to a fulfilling sex life, and you were happy with it, it sounds like you aren't the kind who would allow the body image insecurities to create a problem. This healthy mindset is very attractive to most men. I don't think you should waste time on being critical of yourself.

So, take a look at the part I quoted in the way you talk to him. Sometimes, when a guy's sex drive diminishes, if cheating or porn isn't a problem, his own insecurities can be at the root of it. I'd suggest trying to make an effort to point out things that you really admire about him, things that other men do not possess. If he feels like you are really "into him", as opposed to being critical of the past sexual performance, it might at least lower some of the guards that he has put into place when he's with you. We're simple creatures. Really like to feel that our wife is crazy about us. That she considers us a real man in some way. When you say things to make us feel like you are cazy about us, as a man, you could even be saying things that almost defy the facts, and we'll take 'em.

It just sounds like there are some immaturity issues with him. Like he runs from conflict, and the realization that he's not meeting your needs. I'm not suggesting that he deserves it, but your efforts into building him up as a successful lover and man, through your words, might inspire actual improvment. If its based on a few little white lies, we'll keep your secret.

I just wish you success with your relationship with him. You deserve it.
 
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