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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum and noticed similar threads, but hoping this is different enough to warrant its own thread. This might be me just venting, but this has been really tough for me.

She just says that she doesn't feel up to sex and that it is not about me. But it's not just sex. I can't even touch her and she gets upset when I try to kiss her passionately. It started during the pregnancy because she was worried something would happen to the baby. It wasn't easy, but I understood and we didn't do anything. That was the first 9 months.

But then, months passed after the baby was born. During that time, I tried to be romantic, tell her she was beautiful, helped with the baby, helped around the house. I basically did what I could to be a supportive husband and father. I also asked her if she was experiencing postpartum depression and that I would help her and be emotionally available. She denied that. She just said that she doesn't feel like it right now and doesn't see when she will be interested again.

Now it has been about 8 months after the pregnancy (17 months total) and I'm starting to become dizzy by my constant attention on sex. I think about it even more than I usually do and that's all I think about it when I see or speak to an attractive woman. I'm so worried that I might act on something if given the opportunity.

I'm trying to be open about it and speak with her about how difficult it is, but also don't want to be selfish, not supportive, or pushy. Am I being to whiny about this or would this be cause of concern for others as well?
 

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i understand her not wanting it a few months or so after delivery, but 8 months is a long time. and she is openly telling you she doesnt even know when or if she will. i would be concerned for sure.
 

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Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum and noticed similar threads, but hoping this is different enough to warrant its own thread. This might be me just venting, but this has been really tough for me.

She just says that she doesn't feel up to sex and that it is not about me. But it's not just sex. I can't even touch her and she gets upset when I try to kiss her passionately. It started during the pregnancy because she was worried something would happen to the baby. It wasn't easy, but I understood and we didn't do anything. That was the first 9 months.

But then, months passed after the baby was born. During that time, I tried to be romantic, tell her she was beautiful, helped with the baby, helped around the house. I basically did what I could to be a supportive husband and father. I also asked her if she was experiencing postpartum depression and that I would help her and be emotionally available. She denied that. She just said that she doesn't feel like it right now and doesn't see when she will be interested again.

Now it has been about 8 months after the pregnancy (17 months total) and I'm starting to become dizzy by my constant attention on sex. I think about it even more than I usually do and that's all I think about it when I see or speak to an attractive woman. I'm so worried that I might act on something if given the opportunity.

I'm trying to be open about it and speak with her about how difficult it is, but also don't want to be selfish, not supportive, or pushy. Am I being to whiny about this or would this be cause of concern for others as well?
You have some SERIOUS problems here, dude. I'm hating it for you. You need to confront her about this now, before it gets any worse. Because it will. Trust me. If she's not even willing to be merciful, after 18 months, then get thee to a MC, go. That's more than unfair -- that's bordering on cruel and unusual punishment.
 

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There's a serious problem here and if she's unwilling to fix it I'd file for divorce.
Actually I would have filed for divorce about 12 months ago.

She's using her pregnancy as an excuse.
Put your foot down for counseling!
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I'm trying to be open about it and speak with her about how difficult it is, but also don't want to be selfish, not supportive, or pushy. Am I being to whiny about this or would this be cause of concern for others as well?
There are really two points here. She convinced you that you are a pervert for wanting sex. When you meet the emotional needs of your wife, then it is not selfish to expect that she will meet your emotional needs. Selfish is "not" meeting her needs and then expecting her to meet yours. Don't buy into the thought that sex is marriage is in any way wrong.

If you are being winy and pushy you are making a mistake. Be proud and confident about the fact that you are sexual and marriages are sexual.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for your thoughts, people. I'm worried that I'm at a crossroads here and not sure how I'm going to handle it. Like I said, I see temptation all around me and am worried that I will slip up.

Marriage counseling might be in order. I'm not always good at stating my needs to her, but I think this is definitely a time to keep speaking up.

At this point, I feel like I'm raising a baby with a roommate, which feels lonely. I'm getting tired of getting rejected constantly.
 

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I think one thing that a lot of people don't realize about this particular topic is that willfully withholding sex from your partner is a form of spousal abuse. Been there, done that. It does NOT get better.
 

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I think you do need to be honest with your wife and let her know how much of a struggle this is for you. Maybe she will likewise be honest with you and let you know why it seems to be a struggle for her to want to be intimate with you.

Frame your conversation with her using "I" sentences - e.g., "I believe that a very important part of marriage is sexual intimacy. I miss being intimate with you - that is how I connect with you emotionally. I'm afraid that I'm going to run in to temptations. What can I do to make it easier for you?"

As well, what kind of birth control is she using? Hormonal birth control depresses libido in women.

Is she afraid of getting pregnant again? For a lot of women this is a big concern.

Is she overly fatigued or stressed with the new baby?

Is she breast-feeding? Breast-feeding depresses libido in women.

Finally, how are you going about initiating being intimate with her? Are you working up to it every day? Is it 'wham bam'? Are you overwhelming or smothering her?

Best wishes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Enchantment,

Those are very good questions.

No, she is not on birth control yet. The prescription is waiting for her at the pharmacy.

Yes, she is breastfeeding and I do wonder if that is affecting how she looks at herself and her body.

I don't go wham/bam style on her. I work up to it with compliments and foreplay. That's not the problem. In fact, I think I can still turn her on because she says that I do when I do things like kiss her neck, but she promptly tells me to stop because it feeling turned on feels weird. Does that make sense?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Oh, and she might be tired, but I do let her sleep in on the weekends when I take care of our child.

She could be afraid of getting pregnant, but she could use birth control if she wanted.

And thank you for the communication advice. I think I know what to say, but maybe worried about what comes from the conversation.
 

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. I work up to it with compliments and foreplay. That's not the problem. In fact, I think I can still turn her on because she says that I do when I do things like kiss her neck, but she promptly tells me to stop because it feeling turned on feels weird. Does that make sense?
Em. mine. Disconnect between being a mother and being a wife, and seeing the two as mutually exclusive?
 

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I think you do need to be honest with your wife and let her know how much of a struggle this is for you. Maybe she will likewise be honest with you and let you know why it seems to be a struggle for her to want to be intimate with you.

Frame your conversation with her using "I" sentences - e.g., "I believe that a very important part of marriage is sexual intimacy. I miss being intimate with you - that is how I connect with you emotionally. I'm afraid that I'm going to run in to temptations. What can I do to make it easier for you?"

As well, what kind of birth control is she using? Hormonal birth control depresses libido in women.

Is she afraid of getting pregnant again? For a lot of women this is a big concern.

Is she overly fatigued or stressed with the new baby?

Is she breast-feeding? Breast-feeding depresses libido in women.

Finally, how are you going about initiating being intimate with her? Are you working up to it every day? Is it 'wham bam'? Are you overwhelming or smothering her?

Best wishes.

While I do agree that exploring the specific issues raised above is important, there are almost certainly bigger issues in play. She has rejected intamacy since the start of the pregnancy. Make sure that you address ALL of the issues.
 

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In fact, I think I can still turn her on because she says that I do when I do things like kiss her neck, but she promptly tells me to stop because it feeling turned on feels weird. Does that make sense?
You need to find out what this means. Can she explain what "weird" means in this context? As someone pointed out, this started during pregnancy because she was afraid of hurting the baby and it continues on. Have you two been intimate at all since the baby was born?

Can you tell us what your sex life was like prior to having the baby? Was it good? Was she receptive and responsive?

Is she afraid of it now for some reason? Is there something in her mind that says "moms + sex = does not compute/is bad"?

Best wishes.
 

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Pregnant women in general often times lose their interest in sex because it becomes more of a chore than a pleasurable and is also uncomfortable. After delivery, obviously it takes a while to get back your sex drive and to let your body heal. At 8 months after delivery a womans sex drive should be increasing if not then I would say there are definately some underlying issues that need to be tackled.

Your first action should be to COMMUNICATE with her. Get a babysitter, take her out to a nice dinner, order a couple of glasses of wine, and gently let her know what your concern is. Be careful not to make this all about you. Put the focus on her and ask her how she is feeling? Is she happy? ect.

If she was into sex pre baby and now she is not then what went wrong. Things to ask yourself.... Did she gain a lot of weight during pregnancy and hasn't lost the weight? If she is feeling fat, that could be the problem, but with your help can have a simple fix like eating healthier together, working out together ect.

Tired: Is she tired? Juggling being a new mom, working, cooking, and managing the household can definately take a toll on your sex drive! Take a close look at how things are divided in your house. Do you share equal responsibilities? Does she work all day, then come home and cook and take care of the baby? Who cleans the house? Who pays bills, washes the cars, does laundry, change sheets on bed, grocery shops. If you both work, then you both should split the chores right down the middle. Sometimes you even have to step in and do more of your share when you know that your partner is struggling and you carry that load to give them a much needed break.

Romance: Does the romance still exist in your relationship? Do you still open the door for her? When was the last time you bought flowers for her just because you love her and not on a special occasion? How would you rate your dating life? Do you still make time to get all dressed up and take your wife out on a date? When was the last time you offered to give your wife a back massage at the end of a hard work day or lit candles in the bathroom and ran her a hot bubble bath with some sexy music like John Mayer? How about watching the baby and suggesting she go to her favorite salon and getting a facial and haircut? Put the baby down for bed early and have a pretty dinner made for her (even ordering take out and giving her a card that tells her how much you appreciate and love her?

Emotionally: Are you giving her the emotional support she needs? Simply put, for women sex and emotions go hand in hand. If you think about why women love chick flicks so much, it's because there is an element of emotions being played out on screen which always ends in a love connection in the end. Women need to have their emotional needs met in order to really enjoy sex. Another point to remember is that it doesnt take much to get a man ready for sex, but for women, especially after having a baby, it takes some warming up.

Spiritual: Is your spiritual relationship on track? I am not going to get too religious on you, but I will tell you this for a fact, if God does not have an important place in your lives, then your relationship will suffer. God designed a husband and wife to be together and to enjoy having sex together, He encourages it! If you find that you are not on track, then make small steps to get back there. Find a couples devotional and read a page from it every night. Most devotionals offer opportunities to talk to your spouse about issues in your relationship which can bring about growth.

Depression: Is she depressed? Some women suffer from depression after delivery and have a hard time recovering from it. This will be a sensitive issue for her if this is the case, but you are her partner and it is your job to help her through it. If this is the case then I would strongly suggest you getting some professional help to help her get back to feeling normal again.


I hope this all helps you!

Neautral Party
 

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Pregnant women in general often times lose their interest in sex because it becomes more of a chore than a pleasurable and is also uncomfortable. After delivery, obviously it takes a while to get back your sex drive and to let your body heal. At 8 months after delivery a womans sex drive should be increasing if not then I would say there are definately some underlying issues that need to be tackled.

Your first action should be to COMMUNICATE with her. Get a babysitter, take her out to a nice dinner, order a couple of glasses of wine, and gently let her know what your concern is. Be careful not to make this all about you. Put the focus on her and ask her how she is feeling? Is she happy? ect.

If she was into sex pre baby and now she is not then what went wrong. Things to ask yourself.... Did she gain a lot of weight during pregnancy and hasn't lost the weight? If she is feeling fat, that could be the problem, but with your help can have a simple fix like eating healthier together, working out together ect.

Tired: Is she tired? Juggling being a new mom, working, cooking, and managing the household can definately take a toll on your sex drive! Take a close look at how things are divided in your house. Do you share equal responsibilities? Does she work all day, then come home and cook and take care of the baby? Who cleans the house? Who pays bills, washes the cars, does laundry, change sheets on bed, grocery shops. If you both work, then you both should split the chores right down the middle. Sometimes you even have to step in and do more of your share when you know that your partner is struggling and you carry that load to give them a much needed break.

Romance: Does the romance still exist in your relationship? Do you still open the door for her? When was the last time you bought flowers for her just because you love her and not on a special occasion? How would you rate your dating life? Do you still make time to get all dressed up and take your wife out on a date? When was the last time you offered to give your wife a back massage at the end of a hard work day or lit candles in the bathroom and ran her a hot bubble bath with some sexy music like John Mayer? How about watching the baby and suggesting she go to her favorite salon and getting a facial and haircut? Put the baby down for bed early and have a pretty dinner made for her (even ordering take out and giving her a card that tells her how much you appreciate and love her?

Emotionally: Are you giving her the emotional support she needs? Simply put, for women sex and emotions go hand in hand. If you think about why women love chick flicks so much, it's because there is an element of emotions being played out on screen which always ends in a love connection in the end. Women need to have their emotional needs met in order to really enjoy sex. Another point to remember is that it doesnt take much to get a man ready for sex, but for women, especially after having a baby, it takes some warming up.

Spiritual: Is your spiritual relationship on track? I am not going to get too religious on you, but I will tell you this for a fact, if God does not have an important place in your lives, then your relationship will suffer. God designed a husband and wife to be together and to enjoy having sex together, He encourages it! If you find that you are not on track, then make small steps to get back there. Find a couples devotional and read a page from it every night. Most devotionals offer opportunities to talk to your spouse about issues in your relationship which can bring about growth.

Depression: Is she depressed? Some women suffer from depression after delivery and have a hard time recovering from it. This will be a sensitive issue for her if this is the case, but you are her partner and it is your job to help her through it. If this is the case then I would strongly suggest you getting some professional help to help her get back to feeling normal again.


I hope this all helps you!

Neautral Party
Durn if that doesn't sound like pushing the issue squarely on his plate to solve or not, with barely any responsibility for it on hers. This began at the very beginning of pregnancy. She's had plenty of time. This is HER issue, not his, to solve. Kissing her a** isn't going to get him what he wants, it's just going to make her not like him that much more.

No, there's something bigger going on here.
 

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Durn if that doesn't sound like pushing the issue squarely on his plate to solve or not, with barely any responsibility for it on hers. This began at the very beginning of pregnancy. She's had plenty of time. This is HER issue, not his, to solve. Kissing her a** isn't going to get him what he wants, it's just going to make her not like him that much more.

No, there's something bigger going on here.
The trouble with any approach where no-one does anything because both people aren't is that it ignores a simple truth: The job that takes the longest is the one that no-one is prepared to start.

If both partners sit there waiting for the other one to do something, guess what? Neither of them will. Someone has to act.

As for it being her issue to solve, well, it might be, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her, so she's not likely to go charging off to fix it unilaterally, is she?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Pregnant women in general often times lose their interest in sex because it becomes more of a chore than a pleasurable and is also uncomfortable. After delivery, obviously it takes a while to get back your sex drive and to let your body heal. At 8 months after delivery a womans sex drive should be increasing if not then I would say there are definately some underlying issues that need to be tackled.

Your first action should be to COMMUNICATE with her. Get a babysitter, take her out to a nice dinner, order a couple of glasses of wine, and gently let her know what your concern is. Be careful not to make this all about you. Put the focus on her and ask her how she is feeling? Is she happy? ect.

If she was into sex pre baby and now she is not then what went wrong. Things to ask yourself.... Did she gain a lot of weight during pregnancy and hasn't lost the weight? If she is feeling fat, that could be the problem, but with your help can have a simple fix like eating healthier together, working out together ect.

Tired: Is she tired? Juggling being a new mom, working, cooking, and managing the household can definately take a toll on your sex drive! Take a close look at how things are divided in your house. Do you share equal responsibilities? Does she work all day, then come home and cook and take care of the baby? Who cleans the house? Who pays bills, washes the cars, does laundry, change sheets on bed, grocery shops. If you both work, then you both should split the chores right down the middle. Sometimes you even have to step in and do more of your share when you know that your partner is struggling and you carry that load to give them a much needed break.

Romance: Does the romance still exist in your relationship? Do you still open the door for her? When was the last time you bought flowers for her just because you love her and not on a special occasion? How would you rate your dating life? Do you still make time to get all dressed up and take your wife out on a date? When was the last time you offered to give your wife a back massage at the end of a hard work day or lit candles in the bathroom and ran her a hot bubble bath with some sexy music like John Mayer? How about watching the baby and suggesting she go to her favorite salon and getting a facial and haircut? Put the baby down for bed early and have a pretty dinner made for her (even ordering take out and giving her a card that tells her how much you appreciate and love her?

Emotionally: Are you giving her the emotional support she needs? Simply put, for women sex and emotions go hand in hand. If you think about why women love chick flicks so much, it's because there is an element of emotions being played out on screen which always ends in a love connection in the end. Women need to have their emotional needs met in order to really enjoy sex. Another point to remember is that it doesnt take much to get a man ready for sex, but for women, especially after having a baby, it takes some warming up.

Spiritual: Is your spiritual relationship on track? I am not going to get too religious on you, but I will tell you this for a fact, if God does not have an important place in your lives, then your relationship will suffer. God designed a husband and wife to be together and to enjoy having sex together, He encourages it! If you find that you are not on track, then make small steps to get back there. Find a couples devotional and read a page from it every night. Most devotionals offer opportunities to talk to your spouse about issues in your relationship which can bring about growth.

Depression: Is she depressed? Some women suffer from depression after delivery and have a hard time recovering from it. This will be a sensitive issue for her if this is the case, but you are her partner and it is your job to help her through it. If this is the case then I would strongly suggest you getting some professional help to help her get back to feeling normal again.


I hope this all helps you!

Neautral Party
Thanks for the feedback.

Yes, she is tired. She takes care of the baby (she's not working a 9-5) while I work. But I come home and do as much as I can to help with the baby and her. I help with dishwashing, laundry, I pay the bills, help with dinner. For instance, I feed and bathe the baby. I really am as active as I can be. I also stay up late with the baby when baby wakes up during the night.

Romance: I'm not bad at romance, maybe I can be better. But yeah, I tell her she's beautiful, am chivalrous, and give her massages. I've also offered to take the baby so she can pamper herself or have girl time with her friends. I've also surprised her with breakfast in bed. I've also taken her on dinner dates.

Emotions: I try my best to be attuned to her emotional needs, regrettably to the point that I ignore my own. I don't stop her from feeling emotions like a lot of guys who are uncomfortable seeing their spouse cry. Oh and we watch chick flicks too =)

Depression: I've been concerned about postpartum depression, but haven't seen anything glaring. At the same time, I check in with her to see how she is doing emotionally. So far it's not too bad.

I agree that I need to continue to speak openly with her about how much this is affecting me. I've told her it's been hard, but I also protect her feelings and minimize my own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Someone had asked about our level of intimacy prebaby. We had a sex life previously, though with ups and downs. Sometimes we would have it 2-3 times a week and sometimes we would have spells when it was less frequent, but nothing notable.
 

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The Court of Scannerguard will have to come down with IanIronwood this time.

Of course, I support yours and the forum's desire to diagnose this and please listen to the advice and follow it. . .but what disturbs me is she is not trying to diagnose it and yes, making you feel like a pervert for asking.

What concerns me is I think a lot of men will share that it will continue to spiral downward. When she needs a sperm donation again, she'll be up for it, and then once child 2 or 3 comes. . .that's it. . .why ever have sex again?

It's very concerning this marriage is not in a state of consummation.

What I have learned from being here is when a marraige gets like that - it needs MAXIMAL INTERVENTION - counselors, friends, family, clergy, doctors all need to get involved NOW because this marriage will eventually wither away, if it hasn't already.

Intervene now. Not in a week. Not in a month. NOW.
 

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Durn if that doesn't sound like pushing the issue squarely on his plate to solve or not, with barely any responsibility for it on hers. This began at the very beginning of pregnancy. She's had plenty of time. This is HER issue, not his, to solve. Kissing her a** isn't going to get him what he wants, it's just going to make her not like him that much more.

No, there's something bigger going on here.
I`m with Ironwood.

I guess I should count myself lucky.

My wife`s hormones were in over drive for her entire pregnancy.

She was a raging nympho right through the ninth month.
 
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