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it is very hard to read your story , I know what it is like to live in a new country and when people think the hardest part of it is the french langue , but I have often felt that was the smallest part ,
it brought me to the internet so I could use my English and at the same time exchange with people that had the same type couture ,

i will have to read all your posts again , and see if there is any help here for you ,
how good is your french
 

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Discussion Starter · #42 ·
You said that he is Catholic and that you both go to church. Could the church help you with either finding a place to stay to get away from him or a way to help you get back to your original country?
Thanks. However, I am not a Catholic. And, to be frank, dipping his hands in some water when we enter a church as tourists and then shouting at me and threatening me hardly makes him one. Sorry :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
it is very hard to read your story , I know what it is like to live in a new country and when people think the hardest part of it is the french langue , but I have often felt that was the smallest part ,
it brought me to the internet so I could use my English and at the same time exchange with people that had the same type couture ,

i will have to read all your posts again , and see if there is any help here for you ,
how good is your french
Thanks Paddy
 

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Discussion Starter · #44 ·
He sounds really scary. Do you not fear for your life? He sounds like an abusive, controlling sociopath.

Please contact authorities when he takes your freedoms away. Get help ASAP
Thanks but it doesn't quite work that way here :(.
 

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It makes more sense now. I'm sorry you fell for his lies. You knew him in youth, but he is not who he was back then. He is not a good husband at all.
 

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Thanks but it doesn't quite work that way here :(.
some years ago I helped a woman that was been beating by her husband , I went to the police in my city and was told go home and tell her not to come crying on our door when he beats her ,
ok things have improved a little from then ,
there is help if you know the right doors to push , I would need to put some thought into it ,
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
It makes more sense now. I'm sorry you fell for his lies. You knew him in youth, but he is not who he was back then. He is not a good husband at all.
Indeed. He is not the same man. It is sad. the man i knew is dead (effectively)
 

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Discussion Starter · #48 ·
some years ago I helped a woman that was been beating by her husband , I went to the police in my city and was told go home and tell her not to come crying on our door when he beats her ,
ok things have improved a little from then ,
there is help if you know the right doors to push , I would need to put some thought into it ,
He is a sapeur pompier and well connected locally ...
 

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The idea that you cannot escape usually goes with this type of partner.

And yea the behaviours are so appalling that you are conditioned not to worry anyone with this. These are classic symptoms of serious abuse when you are trapped. Your mind will justify it ‘I don’t want to stress my elderly mother/father, I cannot burden my kids with this, he was such a wonderful person before’ and so on.

But you do need to do the complete opposite. The more people you tell, the more will come to your aid.

The fact that you cannot rationalise anything verbally with this person means there is no future here where things will be better. A person who spends too much time online flirting and chatting is the worst sort of worst. They are hiding from the world who they really are.

What is he like in public and how is he towards others? Think carefully, there must be a few others that would see this side of him too? It could be the way he speaks to a certain friend, colleague, family member?

Would you consider a woman’s refuge? You can be out of there so quickly, it is really is possible. There are supports and people trained in these areas you will be shocked at how quickly this can be over, and how much help there will be for you. I gather from some of the things you are telling me, you will be safe when you leave. He seems all mouth and full of shame, and the shame will likely keep him away from you once you go.

You are a hostage, a prisoner, do you see this? I am heartbroken reading this, I cannot imagine what your life must be like.

One phone call can change your life.
 

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He is a sapeur pompier and well connected locally ...
So was my father. I involved the police after many decades and can now safely look back, even without pain or shock at what we lived through. He was and still is a known figure here and internationally.

My life is amazing. He was threatening to kill me from the age of 5, and I couldn’t even tell my psychologist, or my husband or anybody until my late 30s.

It can happen for you. ❤
 

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I have been married for three months, but my husband and I have never had sex during that time. Is that normal? We have not had sex for over 1 ½ years. It stopped one day when he told me that I “did not deserve” sex. A few months before, he told me I “did not deserve” to be kissed (we were having sex at the time). Both these comments have crucified me inside. I was distraught for the first year of the sex embargo, and tried to end it on several occasions (to no avail). Today he has started criticizing me for refusing to have sex - both when speaking (shouting) and in a subsequent email. It has dawned on me that he might be embarking on an affair and is constructing a lie to justify what he is doing. Am i paranoid??

I have known him for over thirty years (not out first marriages), but have only recently become aware that he is a man who is “very comfortable with lies” (e.g., he watched porn and lied consistently about it until I took screen shots from his history to “prove” it; hid my car keys for six months and said he did not have them; many, many other tedious lies).

I am devastated that the man I have always considered my best friend (in the world – sigh) seems to be a sleazy old man. I’ve seen texts and emails that are flirty with women I do not know. He spends one week a month away (fireman – but almost 60!) so he could be doing anything. He even seems to flirt with his nieces (vomit). I suspect he might have cheated on me when we an item when I was a teenager (only just discovered this). He is not a physically attractive man (brutal but I have to be honest) and I am certain if he were younger, taller, less obese, and had all his teeth (sorry I am venting but this is true) and richer he would have cheated on me a million times. But he was kind to me and made me feel special.

I honestly thought he was the most honest and upright man in the world. He was my hero and I adored him. I’ve discovered he has a terrible temper (hid it well for years) and I cannot discuss anything with him without his resorting to verbal abuse (*, gypsy, evil, jew, dirty, stupid, old crow, alcoholic, "loony"). He’s also quite controlling (punishes me by removing the internet, not letting me go to the shops for food (my car tyres are mysteriously flat as is my battery), and smashing my mobile phone.

Why did I marry him? He asked me to ….
Please don’t tell me to leave, I am in a foreign country …
I have no friends in this country. I have not seen my father or my sons for almost two years. I was suicidal for a time (not now). I have lost myself a bit - i used to be intelligent and funny :rolleyes:
I don't know anything about you and can still say with utmost certainty, you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve more but no one can help you find it until you are ready to say enough is enough and escape what sounds like a living hell. If you are ready, start be reconnecting with those estranged friends and family that will hopefully remind you of the great person you are, and as you re-find yourself and your confidence, maybe you find a physical place to escape to as you systematically remove this tormentor from your life.
 

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Plan. exit when ready.
Sorry, but I have to disagree. Chances are, you may never feel "ready." You should leave before that. It's not a matter of feeling ready to leave. It's a matter of self-preservation.

You'll likely never understand why he is like this. All you can do is move forward with your own life and cut him out of it. All I can say is if you have a plan to make a plan, you will sit and spin your wheels for an indefinite period of time.

Get an exit strategy in place. You really need to get this terrible man out of your life like yesterday. JMO.
 

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Alas i do not speak the language so i am entirely at his mercy. Moreover, i am almost constantly devoid of any self-confidence now. Thanks for replying
Why don't you contact the consulate of your country? They have citizen services and they can help you.

It looks like you live currently in France, right? If you need any help with finding resources or translating anything, let me know. I can help you find help and contact services there.
 

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in every town there is a Mairie , depending to how big or little your town is , if big the pompiers will not have the same power as a small.

BUT even if he has influence THEY WILL NOT STAND UP FOR HIM IN THIS TYPE OF CASE.
WE have had a few cases over the last few weeks of police men ex army men people well respected killing their wife and having to be tracked down by the police
the MAIRIE can be held responsible for not acting if they know of a case that has been reported to them and they do nothing ,

in every Mairie there is an Travailleur Social ask to see her , tell her your story she will be the best door to knock on , and she will know all groups public and other .
any thing you say to her will be secret ,

if your in a big town there is at all times someone to talk to in the Travailleur Social office
you can even goggle it and get a phone number without going to the MAIRIE
in smaller towns you can only get to see them one day a week and at this time of year many are away
 

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Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wondered if he was gay but he's been married twice before and does tend to look at younger women a lot. So, probably not (it would be the best and easiest explanation, but is unlikely). No erectile dysfunction or hormone issues (he occupies himself in the shower ....). One point - he never had children (but says he had fertility tests that said he was fertile) - and both his previous wives were (manifestly) fertile with other men. Is there something I am missing?
We never has a problem with sex when we were younger. And at the start of this relationship we had sex every day. Then is abruptly and completely stopped. I can remember the exact day and time.
And he's always so angry.
I feel there is something i am being obtuse about.

There are a couple of possibilities.

1. An affair
2. Porn addiction

The way he treats you points to either one of those 2 possibilities or both.

Why did his last 2 marriages end? Was there infidelity on his part or something else?
 

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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
There are a couple of possibilities.

1. An affair
2. Porn addiction

The way he treats you points to either one of those 2 possibilities or both.

Why did his last 2 marriages end? Was there infidelity on his part or something else?
The first marriage ended because she cheated on him multiple times and second one ended because she was too bad tempered and complained all the time. Of course - i only have his word regarding this :unsure:. I now suspect he was still seeing his second wife after we got together, but I'm not sure.

When we were together when i was young i only suspected him of cheating once. To my horror, many years later i discovered this woman later became his first wife. He swears they did not get together until a year after we split up. I believed him because i generally operate on the policy that you should trust people unless they prove themselves to be duplicitous (I am niaive?) Also when we were young he had a weekend holiday with an ex. I found this out recently. he swears he was set up and nothing happened. We had "dinner" with her two years ago (thirty years after this) and she did not speak to me or give me any food or wine wine all evening. he did nothing and i had to sit through this for almost five hours. It was really weird!! Sorry this is off point and i am rambling but i attempting inner clarification :confused:

Writing this, i am beginning to see that his love life has been a tangled web for years. I thinks he might be opportunistic ...

But it still does not explain no sex with me all this time. Yes, porn addiction and affairs seem likely. he is a liar. 😥
 

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Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wondered if he was gay but he's been married twice before and does tend to look at younger women a lot. So, probably not (it would be the best and easiest explanation, but is unlikely). No erectile dysfunction or hormone issues (he occupies himself in the shower ....). One point - he never had children (but says he had fertility tests that said he was fertile) - and both his previous wives were (manifestly) fertile with other men. Is there something I am missing?
We never has a problem with sex when we were younger. And at the start of this relationship we had sex every day. Then is abruptly and completely stopped. I can remember the exact day and time.
And he's always so angry.
I feel there is something i am being obtuse about.
this is the part I THINK IS VERY STRANGE that he just changed over night , I think it has nothing to do with him cheating ( you would not be that lucky in this case )
I all so think it has nothing to do with porn use ,

it looks like he is using sex as part of his mind games he is playing on you
and that you too close to fully see what he is do to you and you mind
he is using all types of mind power over you

the only reason he stopped having sex with you is to play with your mind
it is like testing you to see how far he can push you before you brake
it is the same as the car keys and the flat wheels and all the other things he is doing

You need to start seeing the wood from the trees you don't have french at all that will make things hard ,
you are wrong in saying you can not travel, many people go to the other countries without and problems you just have to contact you embassy to know in your own langue what you need

was your father not at your wedding or your sons
 
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