Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 40 of 74 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Yes you have a point. It's hard to maintain perspective when you just have your thoughts rattling around in your head. Thanks for listening.

Sorry to harp on. But it actually does matter to me why he stop having sex with me. Its messing with my head a bit.
He told you "you did not deserve sex"...again, mental abuse. My guess is he's a control freak. So when you withheld sex from him, he started criticizing and shouting at you because you were in control, not him. Don't think he's gay...sex before marriage would been bad/infrequent. Doubt an affair since you said he's not very attractive and he certainly doesn't sound like he has the smooth talking skills to talk a woman into bed. It sounds like he has mental issues....maybe depression or bipolar. Both can kill one's sex drive and it would also explain his outburts and how he treats you. Tough situtuation for sure, but I would get out before it may turn violent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,642 Posts
Can you go back home? Why don't you see your children?
If I was married to this man whether he was cheating or not would be the last thing I was worried out. He sounds disgusting. Just go back home if you can.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,149 Posts
@bellegr You ignored this completely... It's something you really should think about. Often times people really are not as stuck as they think they are, they just don't want to ask for help.

You say you have no way to leave, is that really true? Or are you just too embarrassed to ask someone for help? What about your sons? Surely they want their mom to be happy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
581 Posts
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but I have to ask. What thought process led you to believe that you should marry a man that withheld sex for 15 months prior to getting married, told you that you didn't deserve sex and prior to that comment, in the middle of sex, told you that you didn't deserve to be kissed? You must find the strength to leave right now. This "relationship" cannot be saved. You need to get away to someplace safe.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #25 ·
It is not you. Just know that. One possibility is that he cheated on you, got an incurable STD, and is trying to hide it from you and everyone by blaming you.

Or, more likely, he's just a psycho.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but I have to ask. What thought process led you to believe that you should marry a man that withheld sex for 15 months prior to getting married, told you that you didn't deserve sex and prior to that comment, in the middle of sex, told you that you didn't deserve to be kissed? You must find the strength to leave right now. This "relationship" cannot be saved. You need to get away to someplace safe.
I think it was because, with COVID and everything, i had not spoken to any other adult in my own language for over a year. I lost perspective. the whole "wedding" was surreal and i did not even understand it (language). I just said "yes" twice when i was told to. I do know how ridiculous it sounds!

Also, I have known him for so long. I kept thinking i was imaging it. that i was as awful as he said.He was wonderful in my eyes for thirty years ... I could not believe he had transformed into this horrid angry man who lied all the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,354 Posts
So, you need to get a plan together of HOW to get out of this untenable situation.
You mention a father and two sons -- why have you NOT spoken to them in 2 years? Doesn't seem reasonable unless you had a falling out with them?

Contact THEM as the first step. Talk things out with them. They can help you plan.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
If you don't take any other advice here, do listen to the recommendation to get counseling. He's toxic, but your willingness to accept being treated that way is beyond imaginable. You need to learn who you are. Start distancing yourself from him. Get used to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #28 ·
So, you need to get a plan together of HOW to get out of this untenable situation.
You mention a father and two sons -- why have you NOT spoken to them in 2 years? Doesn't seem reasonable unless you had a falling out with them?

Contact THEM as the first step. Talk things out with them. They can help you plan.
I have spoken to them but we live in separate countries and travel has been impossible. Almost saw them a few months ago then the rules changed the day of the flight! My father is ill and i refuse to worry him and my sons are at the start of their careers and living in studio flats with partners. I cannot share this with my sons. i would feel the burden is inappropriate for such young men. It is not fair to worry people who care about me when there is nothing they can do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,354 Posts
I have spoken to them but we live in separate countries and travel has been impossible. Almost saw them a few months ago then the rules changed the day of the flight! My father is ill and i refuse to worry him and my sons are at the start of their careers and living in studio flats with partners. I cannot share this with my sons. i would feel the burden is inappropriate for such young men. It is not fair to worry people who care about me when there is nothing they can do.
You realize your sons love you and would be APPALLED that you are dealing with this. They would NOT want you to deal with this, especially alone. I think you do them a big disservice not letting them know this. They can help you work it out - you NEED to share this with your sons. I bet there ARE things they can do. Does your father live in a place you could go to (and you could also help HIM out while he is ill)?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,708 Posts
I have been married for three months, but my husband and I have never had sex during that time. Is that normal?
No. I think I probably had sex at least 5x a day the entire week of my wedding including the day before (got em all in before she left).

Not normal at all, you should be breeding like rabbits in spring time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
448 Posts
Yes, my decision is based on the resources i have available and i am not in a position to move away. Simply wishing i could will not make it happen. I am not in a position to make a hasty departure. Thanks. I wish i had made a better choice. But they say - marry your best friend. I though i had. I honestly cannot believe i am in this situation and am rather annoyed with myself to be frank. Its been quite tiring and i work very hard so it's difficult to know what to do without anybody to speak to.

I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else?? Losing perspective here ...
No, men don't. Start by planning an exit, then leave when ready. Otherwise odds are you'll be miserable the rest of the M, and years will pass, you'll leave later anyway.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 ·
No, men don't. Start by planning an exit, then leave when ready. Otherwise odds are you'll be miserable the rest of the M, and years will pass, you'll leave later anyway.
Yes I know i have to make a plan.

I am just agonizing over the deception. I know its fruitless to seek the truth when dealing with somebody who lies all the time. I just want the truth. I need to know what on earth happened. But, yes, he is a compulsive liar i suspect. And so my mind mind rattles on in circles.

Plan. exit when ready. Good advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,958 Posts
What else can we tell you that you don’t know already? He’s totally useless. Hell No, no sex for three months (1.5yrs) of new marriage is not normal. You know this. But telling you that you don’t deserve sex and don’t deserve to be kissed? You are a complete idiot if you don’t do whatever it takes to get away from this “man”.

That you married this man —- you need some counseling. This is beyond messed up.
This here is bang on; get out of this "marriage" now. I put marriage in quotes because what you're in isn't a marriage. You're a roommate who cooks and cleans for him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,958 Posts
I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else?? Losing perspective here ...
No, a well-grounded man in a stable relationship or marriage doesn't, and yes's he's probably getting it elsewhere.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,529 Posts
Ok Belle, what resources do you have, job, allowance, et cetera. What country do you need to leave to get away from him and what country do you need to get to? I assume you have a passport. Additionally what language do you speak?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,958 Posts
Yes I know i have to make a plan.

I am just agonizing over the deception. I know its fruitless to seek the truth when dealing with somebody who lies all the time. I just want the truth. I need to know what on earth happened. But, yes, he is a compulsive liar i suspect. And so my mind mind rattles on in circles.

Plan. exit when ready. Good advice.
That's good that you know you need to make a plan. Just make sure that you don't announce anything at all about your plan to him. Slowly gather your important documents, a little money to tide you over, anything that holds special meaning to you, etc., and stash it somewhere where he doesn't look. Does he work, or have any reason to leave the house for extended periods of time? If so, that is when you make your exit. Leave when he's not there to try to stop you or to get violent on you.

Also, before you leave, line up somewhere to stay while you figure out your next steps of getting back home.

You say that you need to know what on earth happened, and then say that he's a compulsive liar. You do realize that he probably wouldn't tell you the truth anyways, right? Deception sucks, I know and have been there with my own XH, who was untruthful throughout our entire marriage. It sucks, big time, especially knowing that the other person doesn't think they did anything wrong. I will tell you this: he doesn't care about you and the life that you're trying to build; what he's doing is working well for him and he sees no need to change his ways. If you decide to stay in this "marriage" things will probably just continue to get worse for you. So, you need to figure out what it is that you want to do, and then either put a plan into action, or stay and try to be accepting of your life and situation.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
591 Posts
You don't need to figure out anything except how to get away and back to your family. He doesn't need you trying to know what's wrong with him, you don't really need to know. Just start your plan and take action, period.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
357 Posts
I have spoken to them but we live in separate countries and travel has been impossible. Almost saw them a few months ago then the rules changed the day of the flight! My father is ill and i refuse to worry him and my sons are at the start of their careers and living in studio flats with partners. I cannot share this with my sons. i would feel the burden is inappropriate for such young men. It is not fair to worry people who care about me when there is nothing they can do.
Belle, come on now. We both know that your sons love you. Your father loves you. If they knew what was happening, they would be heartbroken that you chose to keep this hidden from them. People who love you WANT to help. They want you to tell them. It shakes their faith and changes their perception of your relationship with them when you don't come to them with this stuff because they WANT to be there for you.

If your father is ill, do you care about seeing him before he dies? Will you regret it forever if you choose to not be honest with him and your sons in order to find a way back to him? What's more important to you - your own ego and this idea that you have to "be strong" and "not bother them" or being there for what could be your father's last months/years alive? Is your husband and marriage really worth more than your father and sons?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
You said that he is Catholic and that you both go to church. Could the church help you with either finding a place to stay to get away from him or a way to help you get back to your original country?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,139 Posts
He sounds really scary. Do you not fear for your life? He sounds like an abusive, controlling sociopath.

Please contact authorities when he takes your freedoms away. Get help ASAP
 
21 - 40 of 74 Posts
Top