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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for three months, but my husband and I have never had sex during that time. Is that normal? We have not had sex for over 1 ½ years. It stopped one day when he told me that I “did not deserve” sex. A few months before, he told me I “did not deserve” to be kissed (we were having sex at the time). Both these comments have crucified me inside. I was distraught for the first year of the sex embargo, and tried to end it on several occasions (to no avail). Today he has started criticizing me for refusing to have sex - both when speaking (shouting) and in a subsequent email. It has dawned on me that he might be embarking on an affair and is constructing a lie to justify what he is doing. Am i paranoid??

I have known him for over thirty years (not out first marriages), but have only recently become aware that he is a man who is “very comfortable with lies” (e.g., he watched porn and lied consistently about it until I took screen shots from his history to “prove” it; hid my car keys for six months and said he did not have them; many, many other tedious lies).

I am devastated that the man I have always considered my best friend (in the world – sigh) seems to be a sleazy old man. I’ve seen texts and emails that are flirty with women I do not know. He spends one week a month away (fireman – but almost 60!) so he could be doing anything. He even seems to flirt with his nieces (vomit). I suspect he might have cheated on me when we an item when I was a teenager (only just discovered this). He is not a physically attractive man (brutal but I have to be honest) and I am certain if he were younger, taller, less obese, and had all his teeth (sorry I am venting but this is true) and richer he would have cheated on me a million times. But he was kind to me and made me feel special.

I honestly thought he was the most honest and upright man in the world. He was my hero and I adored him. I’ve discovered he has a terrible temper (hid it well for years) and I cannot discuss anything with him without his resorting to verbal abuse (*****, gypsy, evil, jew, dirty, stupid, old crow, alcoholic, "loony"). He’s also quite controlling (punishes me by removing the internet, not letting me go to the shops for food (my car tyres are mysteriously flat as is my battery), and smashing my mobile phone.

Why did I marry him? He asked me to ….
Please don’t tell me to leave, I am in a foreign country …
I have no friends in this country. I have not seen my father or my sons for almost two years. I was suicidal for a time (not now). I have lost myself a bit - i used to be intelligent and funny :rolleyes:
 

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Belle, you deserve better than this. However, you are the ONLY person who can help yourself out of this mess. There is no magical words you can say to your husband to get him to treat you better. There is nothing you can do to make him be better. While you are not responsible for the way your husband treats you, it is your choices that have lead you here and it is your choices that will determine whether you stay and continue to suffer or you get out and create a better life for yourself.

Do you see how you are keeping yourself locked in this marriage? You're not happy and being mistreated BUT you don't want to leave EVEN THOUGH you miss your father and sons who are in another country. Don't you see the contradiction here? You've given yourself an impossible task to complete. You HAVE to make a decision based on what you CAN do and what resources you have available. Why don't you want to move back to your father and sons? Why isn't that an option for you?
 

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There may be public services/agencies/charities that can help you, so I suggest you work to find out what is available, or find someone who can point you towards a place to start.
 

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What else can we tell you that you don’t know already? He’s totally useless. Hell No, no sex for three months (1.5yrs) of new marriage is not normal. You know this. But telling you that you don’t deserve sex and don’t deserve to be kissed? You are a complete idiot if you don’t do whatever it takes to get away from this “man”.

That you married this man —- you need some counseling. This is beyond messed up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Belle, you deserve better than this. However, you are the ONLY person who can help yourself out of this mess. There is no magical words you can say to your husband to get him to treat you better. There is nothing you can do to make him be better. While you are not responsible for the way your husband treats you, it is your choices that have lead you here and it is your choices that will determine whether you stay and continue to suffer or you get out and create a better life for yourself.

Do you see how you are keeping yourself locked in this marriage? You're not happy and being mistreated BUT you don't want to leave EVEN THOUGH you miss your father and sons who are in another country. Don't you see the contradiction here? You've given yourself an impossible task to complete. You HAVE to make a decision based on what you CAN do and what resources you have available. Why don't you want to move back to your father and sons? Why isn't that an option for you?
Yes, my decision is based on the resources i have available and i am not in a position to move away. Simply wishing i could will not make it happen. I am not in a position to make a hasty departure. Thanks. I wish i had made a better choice. But they say - marry your best friend. I though i had. I honestly cannot believe i am in this situation and am rather annoyed with myself to be frank. Its been quite tiring and i work very hard so it's difficult to know what to do without anybody to speak to.

I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else?? Losing perspective here ...
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
What else can we tell you that you don’t know already? He’s totally useless. Hell No, no sex for three months (1.5yrs) of new marriage is not normal. You know this. But telling you that you don’t deserve sex and don’t deserve to be kissed? You are a complete idiot if you don’t do whatever it takes to get away from this “man”.

That you married this man —- you need some counseling. This is beyond messed up.
Thanks. Yes, I know I've been an idiot. But i trusted him because i have known him so long. The relationship was based on the fact that he treated me well. Then I gave up everything to come here, then covid ....
 

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I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else??
No, you're not being paranoid. That one piece of info alone isn't enough to say he's definitely getting it somewhere else. There could be another reason, being asexual, gay, hormone issues, having erectile dysfunction, etc. Regardless, it doesn't seem like things are going improve.

You say you have no way to leave, is that really true? Or are you just too embarrassed to ask someone for help? What about your sons? Surely they want their mom to be happy.
 

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He is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Look into local services to see if there is a place you can go to get away from him. He sounds like he has BPD or something. Anyway he's not right in the head, that is for sure. Good luck to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
No, you're not being paranoid. That one piece of info alone isn't enough to say he's definitely getting it somewhere else. There could be another reason, being asexual, gay, hormone issues, having erectile dysfunction, etc. Regardless, it doesn't seem like things are going improve.

You say you have no way to leave, is that really true? Or are you just too embarrassed to ask someone for help? What about your sons? Surely they want their mom to be happy.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wondered if he was gay but he's been married twice before and does tend to look at younger women a lot. So, probably not (it would be the best and easiest explanation, but is unlikely). No erectile dysfunction or hormone issues (he occupies himself in the shower ....). One point - he never had children (but says he had fertility tests that said he was fertile) - and both his previous wives were (manifestly) fertile with other men. Is there something I am missing?
We never has a problem with sex when we were younger. And at the start of this relationship we had sex every day. Then is abruptly and completely stopped. I can remember the exact day and time.
And he's always so angry.
I feel there is something i am being obtuse about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
He is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Look into local services to see if there is a place you can go to get away from him. He sounds like he has BPD or something. Anyway he's not right in the head, that is for sure. Good luck to you.
Alas i do not speak the language so i am entirely at his mercy. Moreover, i am almost constantly devoid of any self-confidence now. Thanks for replying
 

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hid my car keys for six months and said he did not have them
Are you serious? This guy sounds like a piece of garbage. Who cares about no sex. He is mentally abusing you. No man that loves a woman woud treat her like that. I'm sorry you're in another country, but you definitely need to be looking for a way out because your situation is only going to get worse, not better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Are you serious? This guy sounds like a piece of garbage. Who cares about no sex. He is mentally abusing you. No man that loves a woman woud treat her like that. I'm sorry you're in another country, but you definitely need to be looking for a way out because your situation is only going to get worse, not better.
Yes you have a point. It's hard to maintain perspective when you just have your thoughts rattling around in your head. Thanks for listening.

Sorry to harp on. But it actually does matter to me why he stop having sex with me. Its messing with my head a bit.
 
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