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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
No remorse... WTH is he doing then?
I have been separated from my serial cheater husband (pregnant wife with std) for a little over a month but have not initiated divorce proceedings. No reconciliation is intended on my part.

I am also having a hard time getting over the fact that he pulls the wool over everyone's eyes with his personality. He seems like a shy, sensitive, vulnerable guy. He goes out of his way for people and become very likeable that way. He exudes trustworthiness and steadfastness. Excpet, he's none of those things.

I have a narcissitic mother who still very much loves my STBXH and tries to manipulate me into reconsidering and taking him back. She bought him a christmas gift, has him over for coffee and seems to believe all his lies. This is incredibly hurtful to me, but I guess I shouldn't expect anything else. I told her I would expose her to her friends, and ask them if this was normal behavior for a mother, but all she said was "why would you want to embarrass yourself by revealing you have an std?"

Marriage to him was hell. He is a passive aggressive master that hurt me tremendously. I hurt him too by getting angry and yelling.

His attempts at reconciliation have been to drop off a couple of love letters at my mother's. These were not in an envelope, they were just pages left there so everyone could read them. He tells me he wants to be a family, but is too busy working and traveling and going out with his buddies. He changed all his passwords even though we had a talk about transparency. He told our marriage therapist that he thought I was "confused" and had a personality disorder. In fact, when I asked him to accompany me to an ultrasound scan after yet another std-related bleeding (I was distraught and scared of going by myself and didn't want to tell anyone about the bleedings), he told me I had paranoid personality disorder while we were in the waiting room. He is just relentless in trying to blame me for not trusting him when he has already confessed to multiple cheatings. His reasoning is "well, you didn't know about these incidents, so you had no reason not to trust me. You have trust issues". Except I don't.

He is not groveling, nor is he acting super nice and transparent. In fact, he asked me to reimburse him for the gas that was still left in the car the day he left.

Last I heard from him he wanted to know whether I wanted to spend Christmas as a family or he would go to his parent's a state away. He even tried dropping by. I never answered. It almost seems as though he is waiting for some time to pass. He is waiting for this to blow over and for me to just instantly forgive him and welcome him back as if nothing happened. He wants me to tell him what to do, but he already knows everything... For example, I needed transparency. He knows this. Yet he changed his passwords. He says one thing and does another.

What I want to know is this:
Although I know I want to divorce, why does his callousness hurt so much? Why isn't he being nicer even though I'm pregnant, have a toddler to take care of, am on bed rest because of the STD he gave me? What is it that he wants, exactly? I'm doing no contact because I was being way too nice and empathetic before, and he was acting so dismissive. So I decided I needed to protect my feelings instead of playing games and getting my feelings hurt.

What is he doing?
 

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Expose, expose, expose, the blow the GD lid off of everything that he has done to you.
All your husband wants is to make sure that you don't expose him for the POS cheater he is, going so far as to try to blame shift onto you that this is all your fault.
You have an STD & I am sorry for that, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
The only person who should be ashamed is your douche waffle of a husband.
Your mom obviously has her own issues, perhaps she has been cheated on herself.
Get in touch with your friends & relatives who will support you through thick & thin, they will be the ones to reach out to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Expose, expose, expose, the blow the GD lid off of everything that he has done to you.
All your husband wants is to make sure that you don't expose him for the POS cheater he is, going so far as to try to blame shift onto you that this is all your fault.
You have an STD & I am sorry for that, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
The only person who should be ashamed is your douche waffle of a husband.
Your mom obviously has her own issues, perhaps she has been cheated on herself.
Get in touch with your friends & relatives who will support you through thick & thin, they will be the ones to reach out to.
Hey Phenix.. I have exposed to his family and strategically to two friends (one of his buddies who is giving him emotional support and another mutual friend of ours who is a great big gossip and knows everyone). So far, people's attitude seems to be to not takes sides and to not want to interfere. i haven't met anyone face to face in a while though.

My mom was cheated on when she was engaged to an old boyfriend. She tried to kill herself over it. I found this out through relatives, though. Her version is quite different (he didn't want her to work so SHE broke it off). I'm doing remarkably fine compared to her.

I'm just trying to understand what angle stbxh is playing here, if any. His words and actions seem very mismatched.
 

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No remorse... WTH is he doing then?
What I want to know is this:
Although I know I want to divorce, why does his callousness hurt so much? Why isn't he being nicer even though I'm pregnant, have a toddler to take care of, am on bed rest because of the STD he gave me? What is it that he wants, exactly? I'm doing no contact because I was being way too nice and empathetic before, and he was acting so dismissive. So I decided I needed to protect my feelings instead of playing games and getting my feelings hurt.

What is he doing?
"What is he doing?" being a weasel.

"Why does his callousness hurt so much" because he is the man you fell in love with and married and have created children with.

"Why isn't he being nicer... What is it that he wants exactly" He wants to wear you down and become so jaded that you are glad just to see the back of him rather than take him to the cleaners for every damn penny. He wanted money for the petrol in the car - he wants to keep it all. Yep - Weasel.

They always use the children and the BS is meant to feel somehow bad that by divorcing they are the one damaging the children.
 

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I am not trying to put a mental health diagnosis on your husband, but in a general sense his attitude sound like those of a sociopath. Many sociopaths are very charming.That's how they fool people. They are unable to feel any kind of empathy. They only see their side of a situation.

He's not being nicer because he does not know how to be nicer. He as learned that if he keeps pushing people and pushing them they will eventually give in to whatever it is that he wants.

Why does it hurt you so much? Because you love who you thought he was. Keep in mind that you do not love who he really is. Unfortunately you spent a lot of time with a man who hid his real self from you.

I'm so sorry about the STD. I do hope that you and your baby will be ok.

Your mom is a piece of work. Just stop telling her anything. She really does not deserve to have the information that she can use to hurt you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I am not trying to put a mental health diagnosis on your husband, but in a general sense his attitude sound like those of a sociopath. Many sociopaths are very charming.That's how they fool people. They are unable to feel any kind of empathy. They only see their side of a situation.

He's not being nicer because he does not know how to be nicer. He as learned that if he keeps pushing people and pushing them they will eventually give in to whatever it is that he wants.

Why does it hurt you so much? Because you love who you thought he was. Keep in mind that you do not love who he really is. Unfortunately you spent a lot of time with a man who hid his real self from you.

I'm so sorry about the STD. I do hope that you and your baby will be ok.

Your mom is a piece of work. Just stop telling her anything. She really does not deserve to have the information that she can use to hurt you.
I agree he does sound sociopathic, but he's not. He has pretty stable long-term friendships and has never harmed anyone.

What sucks is that, after non-stop travelling for work this last month we've been apart, he's now in another state to spend christamss with his folks since I didn't answer his calls. Today he went to a christmas bash with friends and I know his ex, who he had an emotional affair with for two years, will be there. It pains me to think he is probably trying to hook up with her now. The situation with his ex was very traumatizing to me, so it hurts like nothing else to think he is close to her now.

I asked him to come back as soon as possible because I need a break, too much on my plate to handle alone and I need help with our daughter. He never told me when he'd be back.
 

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It is trauma, exacerbated by pregnancy hormones and std. Read the newbie post by almostrecovered. You don't know everything about your husband...time to research him. He's happy you are confined and restricted by pregnancy...Start process for child support since you are separated - for existing child so you can have an income and get unemployment compensation under basis of medical necessisity. Check to see if your courts consider an std during pregnancy to be abuse - placing mother and unborn child at danger - and place a restraining order on him if you are able. That way he may have to pay additional child support as soon as the baby is born. Sorry to say this but this type of character is best served a dose of absolutely no contact and a gooda$$ kicking in the pocket for him to get his reality check, this is your main weapon right now. Unless the vows you took were otherwise, the usual one is "...For better or worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer etc." - Sounds like you are on the opposite polarity of these. All the travelling and your not acquiescing to his current power play is no excuse to keep yourself on the receiving end of his psychosis and adultery. If he ever was, he is now completely emotionally detatched from you. But you don't need to be more vulnerable because of it. Time to transfer from emotional to pocket attachment. You need to try focusing your energies in cushioning yourself and your children financially now. His lack of remorse is clearly an indication that he is not ready or able to give you or your children anything remotely close to a stable life. You can stay married to him for as long as you want to, just be sure he has no further contact with you and he is paying you $ through the state versus wage garnishment. If he wants to see his child be sure you take a trip to the mall before he comes, to look at baby clothes etc, when he comes over while your mom watches them. Do not let him see you under no circumstances, unless it's for a valid reason. Go to your appointments without him in your own mind...You are stronger than you think you are right now. Text him the appointments, let him come on his own accord, be civil and firm but never chummy...keep light conversation about the existing appointment only -nothing else. Adapt a lawyer attitude. Stop confiding in your mother. Find someone else to confide in. He has your mother covered by her telling him your thoughts and actions. Go superficial with her - no need to tell her everywhere you are going and what you are doing. Take care of yourself, your are in the process of creating another human being and everything you feel he/she feels...their and your health are paramount. If anything, consider too that he may be trying to build a case against you so he can have custody of the children...The sooner you research him and build a case of your own, the better. Document, document, document...times/dates/events. You are more capable than you know it...breathe, relax and get sarted...One day at a time. PS Use this time to make some plans for your own future too, like increasing your employment marketibility post baby's birth.
 

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I remember your story & think your H is a master, master gaslighter. He won't change - ever. He convinces anyone within shouting distance that he's a great guy & you only know otherwise if you're really close to him for a long period. That means right now that you're the only one who has his number probably & this leaves you very much alone.

And with mothers like yours you don't really need any enemies. She should be supporting you 100% now.

So, it sounds like it's you and the kids. You sound strong & you will need the strength to stay away from your H. He is an absolute dog & you should divorce him, no doubt about that. He has cheated and lied and cheated and lied. And he isn't remorseful.

Do your best with the 180. I know it's very lonely, but you need to find your strength to do what's best for you and your children for the future.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I already have a set-up where I don't have to see him when he picks up our daughter. I intend to stay no contact for as long as possible, or at least June, when the baby is born. I will see an attorney and protect myself financially, but I do want to try (emphasis on try) to be semi-civil because of my children. I will have some cards up my sleeve though, just in case I need them.

Thanks for all your words guys. In the end, I can choose to give him power to hurt me or I can just choose to accept he will never fail to hurt me and disconnect. I'm choosing option 2. It feels much better.

He can be with his ex, random girls or pay another hooker. There is nothing I can do about it and I will just radically accept this. I know I can't trust him so I'll stop suffering over this.

An ex of mine will probably be visiting me in a few short months (we've been only friends for over a decade - but stbxh made me cut contact while he remained secretly in contact, and in love, with his ex) to give me some much needed support, laughter and silliness. Hopefully a taste of his own medicine will do him good. I have no intention of starting anything with this ex or he with me, but my life as soon as I am legally separated will not be my ex's business anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Alte Dame... I told my stbx about him being a master gaslighter. He went straight to our former marriage therapist with that one, complaining that I was insane. I don't know why I kept trying to get through to him. I know what I know, he won't admit to anything anyway, he'll just use it against me. I just need to keep my distance and NOT engage anymore. It just gives him ammo. And anything else just sends the message that I care and he still has a chance of manipulating me. This is VERY clear to me now.

Just wish I could do something to really hurt him inside, but come out smelling like a rose, like he does. He is an evil genius.
 

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...I told my stbx about him being a master gaslighter. He went straight to our former marriage therapist with that one, complaining that I was insane.
Right, he gaslighted you with the marriage therapist....it never stops.

Just wish I could do something to really hurt him inside, but come out smelling like a rose, like he does. He is an evil genius.
I think for people like him the saying that "the best revenge is living well" is actually true. It drives them crazy because they have no more control.
 

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I agree he does sound sociopathic, but he's not. He has pretty stable long-term friendships and has never harmed anyone.
Most sociopaths never harm anyone in the sense that they never beat up or kill anyone. They can learn to live within the parameters of society and only bring havoc on those who them into their lives. Having long standing friends is also not proof of not being a sociopath.
Not that I’m labeling him.. just pointing that out.
What sucks is that, after non-stop travelling for work this last month we've been apart, he's now in another state to spend christamss with his folks since I didn't answer his calls. Today he went to a christmas bash with friends and I know his ex, who he had an emotional affair with for two years, will be there. It pains me to think he is probably trying to hook up with her now. The situation with his ex was very traumatizing to me, so it hurts like nothing else to think he is close to her now.
Don’t let jealousy of the ex suck you back in. That would not be a healthy thing to do.
I asked him to come back as soon as possible because I need a break, too much on my plate to handle alone and I need help with our daughter. He never told me when he'd be back.
Sounds like he might be leaving you and your children with no intention of being there to help out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Got in contact with his friend who thinks he's such a peach, asking him when my stbx would be back from his mini vacation back home since he didn't tell me or my family. And knowing him, he'll just play it by ear and come back as late as possible. I exposed the bleedings and the fact that he knows I'm on bed rest (iow, he should be here with his daughter to give me a rest since he's such a "great" dad). I also told him my stbx isn't answering his phone.

I am getting a family member to call him or his parents to get a firm return date.

If I stay quiet and try to play martyr, it'll only hurt me. He's out having fun, catching up with the ex and planning many fun things while I'm alone with a risky pregnancy, a toddler, a narcissistic mother and NO rest. And he knows this. What an ASS!

He's doing this on purpose but will play dumb when confronted, so I'm getting others to get through to him since, if I say anything, he'll just turn it around on me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I wish I could leave me daughter with him and go on a nice sunny, tropical vacation for a week. I've never left her side in the 2,5 years she's been here. Maybe I deserve a break.
 

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I agree he does sound sociopathic, but he's not. He has pretty stable long-term friendships and has never harmed anyone.

What sucks is that, after non-stop travelling for work this last month we've been apart, he's now in another state to spend christamss with his folks since I didn't answer his calls. Today he went to a christmas bash with friends and I know his ex, who he had an emotional affair with for two years, will be there. It pains me to think he is probably trying to hook up with her now. The situation with his ex was very traumatizing to me, so it hurts like nothing else to think he is close to her now.

I asked him to come back as soon as possible because I need a break, too much on my plate to handle alone and I need help with our daughter. He never told me when he'd be back.
Do yourself and her a favour. Contact her by any means possible and let her know about his STD. You can bet he wont.
 

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You definitely deserve a break. It seems like you are very isolated. Are there any good friends who are sympathetic to you? Any help you can call in for your 2-yo?

(I agree with EleGirl that your H sounds like he has sociopathic tendencies.)
 

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I wish I could leave me daughter with him and go on a nice sunny, tropical vacation for a week. I've never left her side in the 2,5 years she's been here. Maybe I deserve a break.
You might be able to get a bit of a break if you hire a sitter to watch your 2.5 yr old. The sitter could want your child in your home while you are there. But you could take care of yourself, nap, etc. I did this when my son was young. There was a high school girl I found through word of mouth who would come a few times a week to give me a break.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Good idea about the sitter. Still sucks to have to shell out money when he should be here to help me out, since this is his child and I am pregnant with his other one.

I've been reading about sociopathy and he does seem to fit some of the bill. I'm not sharing this with anyone else though. I always knew there was something off about him, especially with regard to lack of empathy and lying, plus his huge investments in being seen as a really nice guy (image management), but since he doesn't commit crimes I didn't think this could be it. I chalked it up to thick headedness in the beginning, especially because he always knew the right words to say. Later he started using my own shortcomings to justify his emotional cruelties, but before he knew what they were he used other excuses to justify the same behavior.

He got me an iPad for christmas, something that I've wanted for a while. Now I don't know whether to return it to him or go to the store and exchange it for something else since my family already got me one. I bought him nothing and refused to speak to him when he called today. I definetly felt very guilty since this is a pretty big gift, but I figure these guilty feelings are my downfall. I am not giving in to them. Suggestions are welcome.
 

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Sociopathic personalities do not have to be criminal. It's the lack of empathy and the charming to manipulate that is typical. Gaslighting is a way of life for this type of person.

You ask for suggestions, but it seems like the only real advice for you is to get away from your H. I'm sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Sociopathic personalities do not have to be criminal. It's the lack of empathy and the charming to manipulate that is typical. Gaslighting is a way of life for this type of person.

You ask for suggestions, but it seems like the only real advice for you is to get away from your H. I'm sorry.
Hi Alte Dame, I meant suggestions on what to do with the christmas gift, actually. Should I return it to him? Exchange it for something else at the store? I feel almost sorry for him that he bought me an awesome gift thinking I would love it, but my family already got me the same thing.
 
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