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How is it ignorant and inaccurate? He is not doing what it takes to get her to relax enough to climax. Period. I am not limiting this to just in the bedroom. How is not orgasming her fault?
He said she won't let him touch her / masturbate her, with her, or join in physically.

If she won't let him touch her in an intimate way, how can there even be a beginning?

Riddle me that batman. (Kindly, I'm not trying to be a smart butt although it may seem that way)
 

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Over the holiday weekend, my FIL had some health issues. My MIL was halfway across the country, so my wife wanted to be with him. In order to ensure that my daughter had a good time and she wouldn’t feel guilty, she asked me to take my daughter to a nearby amusement park for the day.

We invited along our neighbor friends’ two kids. We stayed until it closed, then went to dinner at their son’s favorite restaurant. We got home after midnight.

The next day I got a text from the neighbor wife. She thanked me for taking the kids, who said it was the best night of their lives, and called me “Uncle Craig.”

It’s more than just the non-sexual connection you have with your wife. There’s a whole web of relationships that we have with family, friends, and neighbors. I can’t imagine anybody divorcing over something like that.
It's the whole intimacy component, lack thereof, which affects almost all other non-roommate components.

If one is happy with roommate status, oh well.
 

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I understand (at least as well as a man can anyway) that many women struggle with this, and that pressure of any kind can destroy any hope of getting there...

...but...

... no matter how you slice it, this is a huge problem in two ways:

1. Having an orgasm with her partner is something most women really want. If this is not something she actively wants with him, there is a huge problem here, which likely runs much deeper than the mere mechanics of sexual contact.

2. Being witness to his lover's orgasm is massively important to any man who loves his partner and want to give her pleasure and who seeks the most intimate emotional bond with her (setting aside those men who just want to "make her cum" for their own ego gratification). If this doesn't/can't happen, and especially if she is disinterested in this aspect of their relationship, there will always be a massive hole here. The implication presented earlier that one shouldn't worry about this if she's still willing to have sex because she's still "sharing intimacy," ignores the fact that while she's providing some level of intimacy, she's unwilling to share her most intimate moment. That is unhealthy for the relationship and something many (most?) would rightfully consider unacceptable.
 

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No intimacy = no O.

Ask yourself...Why is she checked out?
I would not put up with that very long.
 

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Quoted:

((((((I'd say the first order of business is to gain control of your insecurities.
Which may well be quite reasonable at this point given her behavior.

She is giving you the "faceless" guy thing to protect your ego.

Let's be honest ...... You never thought of another woman while having sex? Come on ..... be truthful.
Maybe not never, but certainly not always.... and reserving her orgasms for the either faceless or specific imaginary (or real) man.

While there are some other things with your wife I believe your getting a bit to swirled up in your head.

Orgasm ..... your wife's situation is not uncommon. Don't believe the porn movies.
This is a false dichotomy. There's a lot of good quality ground between his reality and porn fiction

"Woman can smell insecurity and self doubt a mile away.
And they're apparently not above fueling it further.

Your putting to much pressure on the "you didn't orgasm with me" department.

The more pressure or talking you do .... the less likely it will happen.
True enough. So one is faced with addressing the situation which gets negative results, or not addressing the situation, which of course gets you nowhere. Hence the thoughts of divorce.

If she needs to think of Aquaman to get off ..... let it be....or maybe even get her an aquarium.
Which might be okay.... if she would at least to it with him. But no, she thinks he should just go watch TV while she has her fun time. Again, intolerably disrespectful and corrosive.

Don't over think it .... your only hurting yourself.
Gotta think it through.... or face an entire life lacking what is for most couples, a key component of bonding." ))))))

End Quote.




OK fair enough .... well countered :wink2:
 

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Without getting too graphic could you expound upon this as it seems to be a great mystery to me and many others Im sure. As a general rule, man will cum np when things are right, so why wont a female if we are doing things correctly so to speak? Thus the feeling we are somehow not doing things right. I suspect the man who started this topic is feeling a bit like this.
There are women out there who just plain have difficulty having an orgasm, whether for physiological or psychological reasons. And sometimes illness, fatigue, or stress can affect this. Or worry. For me, having sex is actually a relief from worry or stress. But for some women, they have not learned that benefit for themselves and would prefer NOT to have sex when stressed because they cannot release the stress.

I guess you could compare it to the man whose job is terrible and who had a stressful day, and that night, even though his wife wore sexy lingerie and touched him just right, he just can't seem to rise to the occasion. It's not really about her or him. It just is.
 

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So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. One time she said I should watch something on TV while she did it so I wasnt bored! Thats why i think she is thinking about a other guy or something else. It was the same when dating but I didn't give it too much thought as the actual sex was good. She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs.
These women definitely exist - I'm one of them. I'm going to send you a PM with some details and ideas for you that I don't want to post publicly.

I would not take it as a bad thing that she says watch TV so you don't get bored. I have done the same thing and it worked out great for all concerned. ;-) She probably feels self conscious that it takes her so long and can't relax if she is worried about you worrying about her...
 

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Ive just joined and I would like to see what others feel about this. My wife and I have been married about 10 years, we both are in our 30s and I would say have an alright marriage. We dated before we met and have had experience with other relationships. We both love each other and care for one another. But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything. When i ask what she thinks about ahe mentions ahe just thinks about a faceless man, which confuses me even more. She continues to tell me that alot of women cannot cum with their partners but I do think that is lie. This is now really affecting me and I feel less of a man, i feel like the guy that cannot do something that all women want and im sure that faceless guy she refers to is another guy she fantasies about. Now many of you may say 'there is more to marriage/life than sex, its about connection, she loves u and that what matters etc' but those are just feel good sentences and I really feel if this goes on, her or i will divorce.

Interested to hear other peoples reactions and comments
Marriage is a sexual union. She has walked out on your marriage and is continuing to live with you.
 

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They've been married 10 years now, so it's a safe bet she's over 24.

The problem isn't that she doesn't orgasm with him... but rather that she's made it clear she doesn't want to orgasm with him... or at least would rather do it by herself.

It's disrespectful. It's not loving. It's corrosive to what's supposed to be an intimate relationship.
I usually agree with your posts, but as a woman very similar to what he has described, I think you're way off base here.

Has she made it clear she doesn't WANT to orgasm with him and would RATHER do it by herself? Or is she saying that's the only way she's able to orgasm? I understand why this is killing intimacy for him, but it would also kill intimacy if this is the case and she just lied to him and faked it to save his feelings.

Depending on her actual attitude, which is not totally clear from his post, if she can get comfortable climaxing with him in close proximity and if she WANTS to involve him, just hasn't been able to get there when he's moving around and doing things, then if he can relax and stop taking it personally, because it likely isn't, maybe they can figure out a way where she can orgasm with him. But if this is a big issue to him, and he keeps questioning her on it and doubting himself, then it's going to put more pressure on her and probably make it even less likely.
 

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I usually agree with your posts, but as a woman very similar to what he has described, I think you're way off base here.

Has she made it clear she doesn't WANT to orgasm with him and would RATHER do it by herself? Or is she saying that's the only way she's able to orgasm? I understand why this is killing intimacy for him, but it would also kill intimacy if this is the case and she just lied to him and faked it to save his feelings.

Depending on her actual attitude, which is not totally clear from his post, if she can get comfortable climaxing with him in close proximity and if she WANTS to involve him, just hasn't been able to get there when he's moving around and doing things, then if he can relax and stop taking it personally, because it likely isn't, maybe they can figure out a way where she can orgasm with him. But if this is a big issue to him, and he keeps questioning her on it and doubting himself, then it's going to put more pressure on her and probably make it even less likely.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. :)

I guess that's not explicit, but it sure seems that way if she tells him to go watch TV while she takes care of herself. Add to that her lack of interest in finding a way to be able to share (not reading up on the subject, etc).

The thing is, you're not going to get anywhere if you don't address it. He HAS to bring it up, or else it's status quo forever which is unacceptable. So if you bring it up, you kill it. If you don't bring it up, it just stays dead. When approached from that point he's damned if he do and damned if he don't. A genuine no win scenario. This is again reinforced by her rather disrespectful dismissal of him.

Truth in advertising here: my response is admittedly colored by my own experience, but that experience is remarkably similar to his (minus the part about her wanting to get herself off--my wife's masturbation was, as far as I know, very infrequent). My wife is obsessive about self improvement and has long been a voracious reader. She would read self help books, how to be a better conversationalst books, spiritual growth books, overcoming your past books, etc ad infinitum. But nary a book about being a better lover or even how to enjoy sex more yourself. Any suggestion to do so was met with hurt, rebuke, and shaming.

I waited 7 years into the marriage before even bringing up the orgasm topic, and I did so in the gentlest way possible. Nevertheless, it didn't go well. I waited another half decade before revisiting the subject. Then it went south again. Waited again another three years before addressing it again. She talked about giving it a real shot, but what we got out of the effort was a third child which I did not (at that time) want (but she did).

normalguy's debacle sounds a lot like mine.
 

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WW Question: Has she made it clear she doesn't WANT to orgasm with him and would RATHER do it by herself?

Answer: I guess that's not explicit, but it sure seems that way if she tells him to go watch TV while she takes care of herself. Add to that her lack of interest in finding a way to be able to share (not reading up on the subject, etc).
See, I see that as her trying to be considerate. I guess this comes down to her overall attitude. I suggest my guy go do something else because literally, it can take me over an hour with the latest technology and even then sometimes nothing.... What is the poor guy to do? Just sit there and watch me stare at the ceiling for 90 minutes only to finally mutter "nevermind..." ? I would feel so self conscious it would never EVER happen.

However, if I think it's going to happen I let him know and he drops everything to come join the fun. (Thank God the TV pauses these days! Just kidding.) ANYHOW, if her attitude is "I'd rather just take care of myself and I have no interest in having this experience with you, there's no way that will ever work." Then yeah, I agree with you -- this is important to him, and to them as a couple. Why would she deny him that shared experience?

I just didn't necessarily get that that was her attitude from his post. Maybe he will enlighten us with more details.

PS - what you went through sounds like hell. That would be incredibly hurtful and depressing to be married to someone who didn't care to share that most intimate part of marriage with you. It's kind of cruel.
 

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See, I see that as her trying to be considerate. I guess this comes down to her overall attitude. I suggest my guy go do something else because literally, it can take me over an hour with the latest technology and even then sometimes nothing.... What is the poor guy to do? Just sit there and watch me stare at the ceiling for 90 minutes only to finally mutter "nevermind..." ? I would feel so self conscious it would never EVER happen.

However, if I think it's going to happen I let him know and he drops everything to come join the fun. (Thank God the TV pauses these days! Just kidding.) ANYHOW, if her attitude is "I'd rather just take care of myself and I have no interest in having this experience with you, there's no way that will ever work." Then yeah, I agree with you -- this is important to him, and to them as a couple. Why would she deny him that shared experience?

I just didn't necessarily get that that was her attitude from his post. Maybe he will enlighten us with more details.

PS - what you went through sounds like hell. That would be incredibly hurtful and depressing to be married to someone who didn't care to share that most intimate part of marriage with you. It's kind of cruel.
At least give the guy the option! Will it take an hour? Great, I'm up for an hour. Heck, that may even better. The journey is as much fun as the destination, and when you're enjoying the journey, it's not even work in the first place.
 

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She can learn to orgasm with a partner. It may take her a while to un-learn and re-learn, but it can happen.

That won’t necessarily stop you from wondering if she’s thinking about another man, though.
 

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Does your wife suffer from anxiety or another mental illness like ptsd? Is she on antidepressants? These things can affect her sex drive and mental state. If she has too much on her mind and can’t block out the noise, it may make it hard for her to focus. If she suffers from anxiety, she may be concerned about taking too long, so all she can think is that you’re annoyed or tired, distracting her from the goal. I know a few people that suffer from this, men and women. If u think could be the case, u need to talk with her and tell her for the sake of ur marriage, she needs to work with u. Try making her comfortable with dim lights or candles, aromatherapy scents, and if u have to, give her an eye mask and headphones for music (sexy or relaxation mix). Tell her to relax her body and mind and think of nothing except the goal of finishing, no matter how long it takes. Hopefully if she relaxes enough, it will help her finish faster. As far as her imagining a faceless man, I can believe that. She’s probably just thinking of a random male body. Don’t be upset if it’s not u she’s think of. Everyone has an imagination. You can just as easily imagine another woman. She’s not cheating physically or emotionally. It’s just an image. She still chooses u at the end of the day. Hope this helps.
 

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And to be clear from my previous post, I wasn’t suggesting an eye mask and headphones during sex, only oral play. After doing this several times, she may find it’s easier to finish than she thought and feel more comfortable. From that point, ease your way into having her play with it while having sex, even if she needs a toy. Climaxing is not the same for women. It is very difficult and as pointed out before, women often have a lot on their mind versus a man that can only think of one thing during the act. It’s not easy. Just talk with her and be understanding. Don’t be mean or defensive. It’s only going to make her feel even more insecure and the situation will get worse. This is definitely not something to divorce over. You could be in a way worse situation such a completely sexless marriage like many on here are experiencing. Good luck friend.
 
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