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Ive just joined and I would like to see what others feel about this. My wife and I have been married about 10 years, we both are in our 30s and I would say have an alright marriage. We dated before we met and have had experience with other relationships. We both love each other and care for one another. But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything. When i ask what she thinks about ahe mentions ahe just thinks about a faceless man, which confuses me even more. She continues to tell me that alot of women cannot cum with their partners but I do think that is lie. This is now really affecting me and I feel less of a man, i feel like the guy that cannot do something that all women want and im sure that faceless guy she refers to is another guy she fantasies about. Now many of you may say 'there is more to marriage/life than sex, its about connection, she loves u and that what matters etc' but those are just feel good sentences and I really feel if this goes on, her or i will divorce.

Interested to hear other peoples reactions and comments
 

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So no PIV whatsoever? She's not willing to stimulate herself during PIV sex? What about oral? She gets no pleasure from you giving her oral sex? What about turning you into a sex toy... she tells you what to do and you do it for her? An odd thing to try, talking from a friend's experience of course, is her giving you a hand job while you give her oral and you synchronize to her strokes. In other words, she controls your actions by using the hand job as a sort of remote control.

The line about a lot of women not being able to orgasm with their partners is misleading. In terms of percentage, when you include PIV, oral & digital stimulation, the number of women that cannot orgasm is a pretty small number. *If* their partner is willing. You seem to be willing; she is apparently not.

If she has zero interest in even trying, I don't get how you have an "alright marriage."

How did you let things get this far? There were no early warning signs while dating or early in the marriage?
 

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But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything.
Was it like this when you were dating?
 

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So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. One time she said I should watch something on TV while she did it so I wasnt bored! Thats why i think she is thinking about a other guy or something else. It was the same when dating but I didn't give it too much thought as the actual sex was good. She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs.
 

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See a sex therapist. Sounds like she has gotten addicted to the instant gratification without need of connection or intimacy. Almost like a porn addiction. It must be difficult and I can understand why it’s affecting you. She may have been that way with other bfs, but you are her husband. Raise the bar (no pun intended) and tell her what you have said here. Divorce is being considered.
May shock her into action. If it doesn’t, you have your answer.
 

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So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. One time she said I should watch something on TV while she did it so I wasnt bored! Thats why i think she is thinking about a other guy or something else. It was the same when dating but I didn't give it too much thought as the actual sex was good. She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs.
I believe her, so did the other boyfriends.
They dumped her, you married her and dumped her and her 'problem', now your problem, onto yourself.

She is being very unreasonable. Divorce her for locking you out of the marital home.
Her warm port in a storm, on a sunny day, you are smugly locked out.

What the hell is she thinking?

Do you have kids, yet.

Oh, dumb question.

You would need to do PIV for that to happen.

Do you know if she has suffered childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault?

When she self-pleasures does she watch porn, books, movies or some other outside stimulation?

You have a serious choice, actually she does.
She needs to see a sex therapist, or a divorce attorney.

I wish you the best.

If you leave her, leave her amicably.
If possible!





[THM]- Lilith
 

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About 75% of women cannot orgasm from PIV alone.

But most women can orgasm from stimulation of their clitoris, no matter who is doing the stimulation (her or him).

One way for a woman to get something close to orgasm with PIV is for her to self stimulate during PIV.

Your wife is being unreasonable. She has apparently found one easy way for her to orgasm and will not adventure out of that scenario. In marriage sex is supposed to be a shared experience. That's what make is wonderful. You need to sit her down and tell her that her idea of how sex works does not work for you. Either she goes to a sex therapist with you, or you are filing for divorce. Just be sure if you say that, that you are willing to file for divorce if she will not agree to go to the sex therapist.

There are men who prefer their own hand to sex with their wife. This is the same type thing, only with the shoe on the other gender. It's wrong because it deprives, you, the other person she's supposed to be having good sex with from enjoying sex.

This will continue as long as you put up with it.
 

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About 75% of women cannot orgasm from PIV alone.

But most women can orgasm from stimulation of their clitoris, no matter who is doing the stimulation (her or him).

One way for a woman to get something close to orgasm with PIV is for her to self stimulate during PIV.

Your wife is being unreasonable. She has apparently found one easy way for her to orgasm and will not adventure out of that scenario. In marriage sex is supposed to be a shared experience. That's what make is wonderful. You need to sit her down and tell her that her idea of how sex works does not work for you. Either she goes to a sex therapist with you, or you are filing for divorce. Just be sure if you say that, that you are willing to file for divorce if she will not agree to go to the sex therapist.

There are men who prefer their own hand to sex with their wife. This is the same type thing, only with the shoe on the other gender. It's wrong because it deprives, you, the other person she's supposed to be having good sex with from enjoying sex.

This will continue as long as you put up with it.

Seems nuts to file for divorce because his wife doesn't orgasm during sex and manually gets her release after. Men who jerk off instead of having sex is a totally different situation since that deprives the wife of the intimacy, but he is still getting sex in this situation. She is still wanting to my physical with him but has a hard time "getting there". Id like more explanation as to how he is deprived from good sex because she wasn't able to climax? Its not like she's making a choice not to? Just curious.

Lets be real....SO many women never orgasm during sex. I didn't until I was literally 24. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves and think sex isn't enjoyable without one. I didn't even know what I was missing out on until it happened, and it isn't something that happens every time. Stress of the day, not fully getting in the mood, and all sorts of factors play a role. Seems like she is just trying to quiet her mind.

Instead of pressuring her and feeling insecure, why not ask her to teach you? Not trying to sound mean, but maybe you're missing something and she doesn't want to make you feel bad by saying you aren't doing it the way she needs things done? Since you two have obviously been with each other since your early 20's, its not like there's a TON of experience in that department. Or get a smaller vibrator that is easy to use during sex? There's even finger tip ones.

It would be a shame to throw away 10 years of marriage....especially since it was like this when you married her. Things can always improve but to divorce over something she has always done (and you seemed okay with) would be really confusing for her.

Is this problem spilling over to other areas of the marriage?
 

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I'd say the first order of business is to gain control of your insecurities.

She is giving you the "faceless" guy thing to protect your ego.

Let's be honest ...... You never thought of another woman while having sex? Come on ..... be truthful.

While there are some other things with your wife I believe your getting a bit to swirled up in your head.

Orgasm ..... your wife's situation is not uncommon. Don't believe the porn movies.

Woman can smell insecurity and self doubt a mile away.

Your putting to much pressure on the "you didn't orgasm with me" department.

The more pressure or talking you do .... the less likely it will happen.

If she needs to think of Aquaman to get off ..... let it be....or maybe even get her an aquarium.

Don't over think it .... your only hurting yourself.
 

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Seems nuts to file for divorce because his wife doesn't orgasm during sex and manually gets her release after. Men who jerk off instead of having sex is a totally different situation since that deprives the wife of the intimacy, but he is still getting sex in this situation. She is still wanting to my physical with him but has a hard time "getting there". Id like more explanation as to how he is deprived from good sex because she wasn't able to climax? Its not like she's making a choice not to? Just curious.

Lets be real....SO many women never orgasm during sex. I didn't until I was literally 24. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves and think sex isn't enjoyable without one. I didn't even know what I was missing out on until it happened, and it isn't something that happens every time. Stress of the day, not fully getting in the mood, and all sorts of factors play a role. Seems like she is just trying to quiet her mind.

Instead of pressuring her and feeling insecure, why not ask her to teach you? Not trying to sound mean, but maybe you're missing something and she doesn't want to make you feel bad by saying you aren't doing it the way she needs things done? Since you two have obviously been with each other since your early 20's, its not like there's a TON of experience in that department. Or get a smaller vibrator that is easy to use during sex? There's even finger tip ones.

It would be a shame to throw away 10 years of marriage....especially since it was like this when you married her. Things can always improve but to divorce over something she has always done (and you seemed okay with) would be really confusing for her.

Is this problem spilling over to other areas of the marriage?
It's been 10 years and she apparently will not do anything thus far to help herself learn other ways to orgasm.

I was married to a man who at some point decided that I was not supposed to touch him during sex. It was very bazar and very hurtful. It was not long before I did not want him anywhere near me. I assume the OP's feelings are similar to the ones I had.

The op's situation is not much different than a relationship in which the man just uses porn to orgasm. I've been through that too. That hurts too.

There is a problem in their marriage. The OP is starting to have serious problems after a decade of is wife refusing him in a very sexual way. He is not unreasonable wanting the full experience of sex with his wife. When a man is a good lover, a huge part of his enjoyment/pleasure in sex is giving pleasure to his partner/wife. If he cannot do that, the meaning of the sex is diminished. For the OP, clearly him getting an orgasm is only a small part of what he needs out of sex.

If she refuses to do what is needed to change this to meet his needs, I believe that he is completely justified in divorcing her.
 

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The OP is starting to have serious problems after a decade of is wife refusing him in a very sexual way. He is not unreasonable wanting the full experience of sex with his wife. When a man is a good lover, a huge part of his enjoyment/pleasure in sex is giving pleasure to his partner/wife. If he cannot do that, the meaning of the sex is diminished. For the OP, clearly him getting an orgasm is only a small part of what he needs out of sex.

If she refuses to do what is needed to change this to meet his needs, I believe that he is completely justified in divorcing her.

Fair enough and agreed.

Do you believe her situation is "in reaction" to him ??
 

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I'm not sure if I've understood you correctly.

When you wrote this:
"Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything"

Did you mean that she doesn't want you inside her, or your assistance as she gets herself off. Not that she never wants PIV with you?

I believe her when she says she is not thinking of another guy and that its a faceless person as she is probably more scenario driven.
I think a lot of women are more into a sexual idea/fantasy than an actual person when it comes to self pleasure. Think 50 shades of grey, erotic novels etc.
Whereas men are more visual, think of porn, girl in the office they fancy etc.

How is sex for you apart from this? Is she interested in your pleasure?
Does she have much libido?
Is she perhaps embaressed to O in front of you?

She is correct that not many women O from PIV (about 25 - 30%) so it's oral, fingers or a vibe.
How does she respond to oral from you?
Have you tried a small bullet vibe for her?

The fact that she mentioned you would get bored waiting for her to reach Orgasm is very telling. Maybe she feels like she takes too long to get there and is ruining the moment for you?
Does she prefer to have sex and then look after her own needs after yours?
 

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"Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything"


I took it as she doesn't want his involvement ONLY when she is going to "go for it".

She likely doesn't want any distractions and is trying to concentrate.

I do agree they need to work on their sexual relationship BUT I think he is focused on one "thing" instead of the big picture.
 

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It's been 10 years and she apparently will not do anything thus far to help herself learn other ways to orgasm.

I was married to a man who at some point decided that I was not supposed to touch him during sex. It was very bazar and very hurtful. It was not long before I did not want him anywhere near me. I assume the OP's feelings are similar to the ones I had.

The op's situation is not much different than a relationship in which the man just uses porn to orgasm. I've been through that too. That hurts too.

There is a problem in their marriage. The OP is starting to have serious problems after a decade of is wife refusing him in a very sexual way. He is not unreasonable wanting the full experience of sex with his wife. When a man is a good lover, a huge part of his enjoyment/pleasure in sex is giving pleasure to his partner/wife. If he cannot do that, the meaning of the sex is diminished. For the OP, clearly him getting an orgasm is only a small part of what he needs out of sex.

If she refuses to do what is needed to change this to meet his needs, I believe that he is completely justified in divorcing her.
I hope my response didn't come off as an attack. I genuinely wanted to hear the why behind suggesting such a big move.

This really should have been something addressed before getting married as this is literally you saying you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and you are accepting them for who they are. This wife will be blindsided over something she is open and honest about, and who still engages in sex. Instantly throwing out the D word (which in my opinion should only be said if you really mean it) over an orgasm seems like she will just start saying she got there and will either go without her climax or will not be honest.

Bottom line is if he was doing what it took for her to climax, it would happen. This isn't her fault. If already has trouble quieting her mind enough to get there, then can you imagine how hard it will be if you are threatening divorce and throwing around ultimatums? A lot goes into female orgasm and OP needs to take this as an opportunity to work on her feeling more open and relaxed with him. This would be a different situation if you were denied sex, but you are getting wrapped around the axle about something many women do not achieve EVER during the actual act.
 

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The fact that she mentioned you would get bored waiting for her to reach Orgasm is very telling. Maybe she feels like she takes too long to get there and is ruining the moment for you?
Does she prefer to have sex and then look after her own needs after yours?
THIS.

If it doesn't happen for me, my husband will try to get me there. I feel pressured, rushed, and end up not being able to most of the time. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it or that I don't love my husband. Its hard for us, damnit!
 

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There is good sex, and bad sex. If this feels like the latter to you and isn't satisfying, either you need to work on changing that together, live with it, or leave. IMO, life is too short to put up with little or poor sex, so my choice would be to fix it or leave.
 

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THIS.

If it doesn't happen for me, my husband will try to get me there. I feel pressured, rushed, and end up not being able to most of the time. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it or that I don't love my husband. Its hard for us, damnit!
This ^

It’s hard if it’s taking a while-I will feel pressured and almost guilty about him trying so hard for so long. Kills the mood for me.
 

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This is a very hard topic to agree on.
It is very hard to bring muddy water to a boil.

I see both sides.... only too well.

This much I know...
The more selfish one almost always decides for the other.





[THM]- Lilith
 

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This ^

It’s hard if it’s taking a while-I will feel pressured and almost guilty about him trying so hard for so long. Kills the mood for me.
Same here. And I don't want him to think he isn't doing a good job. The second my brain starts getting noisy...game over. That is exactly what she is trying to communicate but her weird faceless man comment totally threw you off. I think she means she is just trying to focus on the sensation and when she is actually in the moment with you she is trying to make sure you are having your needs met.

Id get busy with him everyday if he would, but that doesn't mean I am always going to achieve the big moment. Half of the fun for me is knowing I turned him on, which feels like a big victory.

OP, you aren't invalid at all but I would be really careful not to put on a ton of pressure.
 

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This is a very hard topic to agree on.
It is very hard to bring muddy water to a boil.

I see both sides.... only too well.

This much I know...
The more selfish one almost always decides for the other.





[THM]- Lilith
I also agree with this. You BOTH are valid but need to find a healthy way to meet in the middle. If you have a healthy marriage with mutual love, just try to talk about it without a ton of emotion. Id be upset if my husband said he imagines a faceless woman rather than saying he is just trying to concentrate. The communication piece seems to be the bigger problem IMO.

Talk it out with love and try not to attack her. Maybe this can be the turning point that makes her finally feel like she can relax enough with you.

One more thing...my opinion on this matter would possibly be different if you weren't married. If my hair isn't blown back after sex with a boyfriend, then you better get moving. However, this is your wife and sex is a reflection of your marriage. There's times where our sex is not the best, but I love that man to death and his qualities make up for the occasional less than amazing romp.

You aren't asking for advice regarding a girlfriend. This is a 10 year long marriage. Marriage is big and requires constant nurturing. Im by no means saying you have to just deal, but you made a commitment to this person that should require more than difficulty orgasming to end it all.
 
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