[Bear7171]

First a little bit of background....husband and I have been together 12 years and have two small daughters, 2 and 7. For years we have been working opposite shifts, I'm on days he's on nights, so we don't see each other very often. We are intimate about once a month, which is ok with me because I have a low drive, but he wants it a few times a week (even though he's only home 1 or 2 nights a week).

I don't have a problem with being intimate more often if he would initiate, I've never turned him down. The big issue is that he rarely initiates. We got into a big argument last night about all this. I asked him why he won't tell me when he wants to be together. He says that I should just automatically know that he wants it and that he wants me to come to him ALL the time. So, you want more sex but you're gonna leave it up to the person with LD to initiate? And then get mad when we only have sex once a month?!?

Lets face it...with two small children, working opposite shifts, and me having a low drive, it's very difficult to "get together". Oh and another thing, he has a physical issue which he will not get medical help for, when we DO have sex he has to take a viagra and then wait an hour. Well there goes the spontaneity, I hope the kids don't wake up in the mean time .

Anyway...he's unhappy and blaming me for everything. I'll take responsibility for my part with my LD, but I'm not gonna take the blame for everything.

 

[Rob774]

First a little bit of background....husband and I have been together 12 years and have two small daughters, 2 and 7. For years we have been working opposite shifts, I'm on days he's on nights, so we don't see each other very often. We are intimate about once a month, which is ok with me because I have a low drive, but he wants it a few times a week (even though he's only home 1 or 2 nights a week).

I don't have a problem with being intimate more often if he would initiate, I've never turned him down. The big issue is that he rarely initiates. We got into a big argument last night about all this. I asked him why he won't tell me when he wants to be together. He says that I should just automatically know that he wants it and that he wants me to come to him ALL the time. So, you want more sex but you're gonna leave it up to the person with LD to initiate? And then get mad when we only have sex once a month?!?

Lets face it...with two small children, working opposite shifts, and me having a low drive, it's very difficult to "get together". Oh and another thing, he has a physical issue which he will not get medical help for, when we DO have sex he has to take a viagra and then wait an hour. Well there goes the spontaneity, I hope the kids don't wake up in the mean time .

Anyway...he's unhappy and blaming me for everything. I'll take responsibility for my part with my LD, but I'm not gonna take the blame for everything.

I'm your husband!!!

Well, without the medical issue. My wife is LD. I'm HD. We meet somewhere in... well closer to her, rather than the middle. She rarely turns me down, but i've got to the point over the years where i'd rather not initiate at all. I, despite knowing that she's LD, can't help but think its more personal. So i basically get to the point where i'd rather not even be bothered. We can easily go for weeks. In the meanwhile, i become more bittered, and more wondering about what life could be life with someone who actually enjoyed "jumping" me from time to time out of no where. We have 3 kids, all young.

I sympathize with your position, because the rational part of me realize its not a simple fix. My faith, my vows, and my love for my wife prevents me from doing anything foolish. But i wont' lie, in the back of my mind, i still would like to have more sex. We only live once, and its a shame to have to tip toe around the bedroom with the woman you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

In the meantime, my advice. Keep up the communication of your situation, try your best to help him with his confidence, us men... we have fragile egos. And not being able to handle our bedroom activities often and the way we used to affects us.

Sorry for hijacking your thread and making it about myself.

 

[Bear7171]

I'm your husband!!!

Lol, you scared the crap out of me for a second there, I thought he had found me out! I totally understand what you are saying about making him feel more wanted but I need that from him as well. It seems like he is unwilling to compromise, I have to do to him for intimacy or affection, period.

This isn't just in our sex life either. I'm the one who takes care of the kids, does the housework, pays the bills, etc. Sure he helps me out once every two weeks or so by doing some laundry or dishes but it's just not enough. I feel like I do most of the work, I rarely get any time for myself (he gets plenty of "me" time). I know this is making me sound really selfish but I'm worn out, I can't do it all. He set high standards for me and thinks of me as "super-woman" . I just can't live up to all that, I'm only human.

 

[Toffer]

I'm your husband!!!

Well, without the medical issue. My wife is LD. I'm HD. We meet somewhere in... well closer to her, rather than the middle. She rarely turns me down, but i've got to the point over the years where i'd rather not initiate at all. I, despite knowing that she's LD, can't help but think its more personal. So i basically get to the point where i'd rather not even be bothered. We can easily go for weeks. In the meanwhile, i become more bittered, and more wondering about what life could be life with someone who actually enjoyed "jumping" me from time to time out of no where. We have 3 kids, all young.

I sympathize with your position, because the rational part of me realize its not a simple fix. My faith, my vows, and my love for my wife prevents me from doing anything foolish. But i wont' lie, in the back of my mind, i still would like to have more sex. We only live once, and its a shame to have to tip toe around the bedroom with the woman you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

In the meantime, my advice. Keep up the communication of your situation, try your best to help him with his confidence, us men... we have fragile egos. And not being able to handle our bedroom activities often and the way we used to affects us.

Sorry for hijacking your thread and making it about myself.

Rob,

I'm YOU probably 15 or 20 years further down the road. Wife is LD me more HD but after 27 years of marriage, I've had my share of rejections so I don't try much these days. On a low point now where it's been around 3 weeks I guess.

Like you, can't help but think its more personal. So i basically get to the point where i'd rather not even be bothered. We can easily go for weeks. In the meanwhile, i become more bittered, and more wondering about what life could be life with someone who actually enjoyed "jumping" me from time to time out of no where. We have 3 kids too but they're older (between 14 and 21)

OP, keep talking! Do what you can to fix this issue now! My main mistake was that I let iy go on for too long. I believed the whole "I'm tired, kids made me crazy today, I have to be up early tomorrow" stuff. It never got better.

Yeah, we read the books, did the worksheets and talked about it with folks and things would get better.....for a while

 

[Rob774]

Lol, you scared the crap out of me for a second there, I thought he had found me out! I totally understand what you are saying about making him feel more wanted but I need that from him as well. It seems like he is unwilling to compromise, I have to do to him for intimacy or affection, period.

This isn't just in our sex life either. I'm the one who takes care of the kids, does the housework, pays the bills, etc. Sure he helps me out once every two weeks or so by doing some laundry or dishes but it's just not enough. I feel like I do most of the work, I rarely get any time for myself (he gets plenty of "me" time). I know this is making me sound really selfish but I'm worn out, I can't do it all. He set high standards for me and thinks of me as "super-woman" . I just can't live up to all that, I'm only human.

U don't sound selfish at all. You sound like a normal human being. I know its important to have your me time. My wife found this out once she start running with a bunch of Facebook women. She now has a marathon on turkey day that she can't wait for. You guys schedule isn't helping matters either, its putting a tremendous amount of pressure on you guys for "something" to happen.

There's no "simple" fix in your situation. But... there are folks on here that can give you just a bit of extra advice to help you. My wife got to the point where she basically said... she needed help from me. So i stepped up. Now i do handle pretty much 90% of the billing, and work 2 jobs since she's a SAHM. Do you guys get a chance for "together" time without the kids? I know that helps, its something we can't do too often, but it definitely helps. It brings you back to the time before you had kids, when romance came "naturally" and not scripted. Have the little ones spend the night somewhere with family.

 

[Rob774]

Rob,

I'm YOU probably 15 or 20 years further down the road. Wife is LD me more HD but after 27 years of marriage, I've had my share of rejections so I don't try much these days. On a low point now where it's been around 3 weeks I guess.

Like you, can't help but think its more personal. So i basically get to the point where i'd rather not even be bothered. We can easily go for weeks. In the meanwhile, i become more bittered, and more wondering about what life could be life with someone who actually enjoyed "jumping" me from time to time out of no where. We have 3 kids too but they're older (between 14 and 21)

OP, keep talking! Do what you can to fix this issue now! My main mistake was that I let iy go on for too long. I believed the whole "I'm tired, kids made me crazy today, I have to be up early tomorrow" stuff. It never got better.

Yeah, we read the books, did the worksheets and talked about it with folks and things would get better.....for a while

I cringe when i read posts like yours Toffer. I keep hoping that at some point, the female sexual peak will kick in around the time of late 30's / early 40's ... she's 36 now so we aren't far from it. But you are right though, talking does help... somewhat. But i guess hoping its going to get better one day on its own... methinks me a fool for thinking this.

 

[Bear7171]

I'm very overprotective when it comes to people watching my kids. We don't have any friends that can watch them, my mom has mental issues and will end up in the hospital for a week if she's around the kids too long. My MIL has no problem taking the older one (she's her favorite) but there has been evidence of abuse against the youngest one the last time she babysat (she's never liked my youngest for some reason). No way in heck she's doing it again!

As for talking about things, it always ends up in a fight and someone getting their feelings hurt. How do I communicate without getting defensive?

 

[Toffer]

I cringe when i read posts like yours Toffer. I keep hoping that at some point, the female sexual peak will kick in around the time of late 30's / early 40's ... she's 36 now so we aren't far from it. But you are right though, talking does help... somewhat. But i guess hoping its going to get better one day on its own... methinks me a fool for thinking this.

Every woman is different. I kept waiting for her to peak and she never did. Hoping she'll get the pre-menopause/menopause high drive (she's 48) but I know that it can also be the opposite (no drive AT ALL)

I just hope I still have some interest when (and if) her drives rachets up. Sometimes it seems easier to avoid the whole issue of sex (I don't slap her on the butt anymore or stuff like that) so I don't come to expect anything or risk the possibility of being rejected.

I also feel now that's it's best to just not even get back into some kind of groove because then I'll want to have sex with her more frequently and the next thing I know, I'll be back to the same old same old and feeling even more frustrated

Sigh, i should have been a monk!

 

[Rob774]

I'm very overprotective when it comes to people watching my kids. We don't have any friends that can watch them, my mom has mental issues and will end up in the hospital for a week if she's around the kids too long. My MIL has no problem taking the older one (she's her favorite) but there has been evidence of abuse against the youngest one the last time she babysat (she's never liked my youngest for some reason). No way in heck she's doing it again!

As for talking about things, it always ends up in a fight and someone getting their feelings hurt. How do I communicate without getting defensive?

You do it by constantly reminding yourself how the conversation will go if you get "too defensive." Nobody wants you to be a doormat, but stand your ground in away that keeps things going smoothly. You are in a position where you guys are still talking, many of us are past the point of even talking about it anymore. I joke about it now, cause its funny, as well as said at the same time. Talking about it only lead to arguing. U guys both want this situation to work out... so hopefully you can meet a compromise. Neither you want to end up like me and Toffer.

 

[Rob774]

Every woman is different. I kept waiting for her to peak and she never did. Hoping she'll get the pre-menopause/menopause high drive (she's 48) but I know that it can also be the opposite (no drive AT ALL)

I just hope I still have some interest when (and if) her drives rachets up. Sometimes it seems easier to avoid the whole issue of sex (I don't slap her on the butt anymore or stuff like that) so I don't come to expect anything or risk the possibility of being rejected.

I also feel now that's it's best to just not even get back into some kind of groove because then I'll want to have sex with her more frequently and the next thing I know, I'll be back to the same old same old and feeling even more frustrated

Sigh, i should have been a monk!

Then i would of been that black monk sitting right next to you... and we both would of been content without any outlook towards sex. I hear you though, i'm always afraid to get caught up into too many sessions for fear of an immediate drop off.

 

[Toffer]

Then i would of been that black monk sitting right next to you... and we both would of been content without any outlook towards sex. I hear you though, i'm always afraid to get caught up into too many sessions for fear of an immediate drop off.

You hit the nail right on the head!

Thread jack over!

 

[Mavash.]

I'm worn out, I can't do it all. He set high standards for me and thinks of me as "super-woman" . I just can't live up to all that, I'm only human.

I think you need to fix this before you worry about sex. In fact I bet if you fixed this your drive would go up.

He can set high standards all he wants but being a super woman is a drive killer. And if he gets plenty of 'me time' and you get none? It's a miracle he's getting laid AT ALL. LOL

 

[TCSRedhead]

I get that you can't be spontaneous with the ED issue but can you plan for it? Then, during the day and leading up to it, send texts talking about what you're looking forward to - what you're going to do to him, what you want him to do to you, etc? He may not want to initiate if he 'thinks' that you'll reject him but if he knows you've got a 'date' planned, it should help build to the excitement.

I totally get that having kids can make it a bit more challenging (Mine are 21 yo, 19 yo and now a 4 month old) but a healthy marriage including sex and intimacy is really important to a healthy family. Those kids will grow up and leave you and hubby alone with each other some day.

As for the household chores, I think it's reasonable to have a conversation about splitting it up so it's not all on one or the other.

 

[IsGirl3]

I think you need to share the initiating. My sex drive is increasing (maybe because I'm pre-menopausal) and even went to an expensive therapist twice in two years because my husband wanted sex all the time (still does) and I had a non-existent sex drive. However, like you, I don't think I ever turned him down and we had sex a few times/week and I initiated at least 1/3 of the time, not because I wanted to, but because I thought I should.

As hard as it is to talk about this with the husband (I know...it's so hard) maybe you can share the initiating - he initiates, then you initiate. Why does he have a problem with initiating if he's the one that wants it? Is it because he wants it, but knows that you don't, so he doesn't initiate, but blames you for no sex.

Lots of mind games going on here. Hopefully your LD is a phase. My therapist sympathized with me - i'm working, raising 3 young kids, up early, take care of house, so she didn't blame me for such a low sex drive, but I can't really say that that was the reason for my low drive. I read some books and my mind set got changed, for now anyhow. Sometimes I think it will slip away again soon if my husband doesn't make sex a little more exciting for me, but that's another thread....

 

[Bear7171]

I've always had a low drive. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I enjoy sex with him very much and am always satisfied. But I don't think about sex, I need some kind of stimulation from him in order to want it. I've told him this but he just says that's a BS answer.

 

[TCSRedhead]

I've always had a low drive. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I enjoy sex with him very much and am always satisfied. But I don't think about sex, I need some kind of stimulation from him in order to want it. I've told him this but he just says that's a BS answer.

Well, I think he's partially right. You can your part in starting your own engine. Start with setting a day/time so he can be prepared with his meds.

Then, earlier that day, start by sending him a text, something about what you want to do to him. Send him a sexy picture. Anything to get a response. When he responds, start visualizing that night. It will help get you excited.

If you're too shy, pick up an erotic novel and read that.

Pick up a vibrator or toy and surprise him with that. Even if he's not able to 'complete', he can help you. Give him a show.

Think about your husband like a lover - boyfriend. Someone you are trying to seduce and start the process. I guarantee he'll come around.

The problem a lot of people make is waiting for the other person to get it together. So both partners are waiting. And waiting.

 

[Faithful Wife]

Bear7171...Does your husband know about what you perceive as you doing everything, having no "me" time, and he has plenty of "me" time? Does he agree this is the case?

 

[IsGirl3]

he thinks you can be turned on and get wet out of nowhere? how selfish. what planet is he on? just because men can wake up with a hard on doesn't mean a women can have spontaneous wetness like the flip of a switch. there must be more to what he is thinking. what does he think is BS about your answer?

anyway, since you need stimulation, I agree with TCSRedhead. Watch porn together or read some sex manual together.

 

[SpinDaddy]

. . . two small daughters, 2 and 7. . . I don't have a problem with being intimate more often if he would initiate

A two year old and a seven year old? Of course reservations are required.

And his doing dishes and tidying up the house – that qualifies as foreplay.

 

[Bear7171]

He's not even talking to me now. I wrote him a letter last night telling him how I felt and what I will try to improve in myself and what I would like him to do for me. I told him is wasn't fair to expect me to initiate all the time, marriage is 50/50. I chose my words carefully and hopefully there are no misunderstandings. I don't know if he read it though. I put it right where he puts his keys and wallet when he gets home from work so I know he had to have seen it when he got home (at around 3 am). Do you think I should just leave him alone now and go about my business, let him think things through?