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The absolute delight on my wedding day, has turned into what I do today, write on this message board. It depresses me.
Only 4 years of being married 7 total years together and 15 months after the birth of our daughter we've taken a turn. We have kids from previous relationships. But it was one big happy family, and it was always our saying "US against THEM", meaning he and I to raise our kids the way we saw fit, and we always agreed even though most weren't ours together we were going to treat them that way.
However, the death of his mother has changed the dynamics, I also believe he's taken on a "I'm going to do everything I ever wanted to do and not die with regrets". This philosophy is affecting our marriage because the things he wants to do doesn't include the rest of us. So its now ME and the KIDS and my spouse and his social calender. He doesn't think about us, as much as he does getting his calender filled up with "ME" stuff, we are just not part of it. When he is around which is rare, he only bosses the kids around on doing chores never any bonding going on, always on the phone, or on the computer or otherwise tuned out. So even when he's home, he's not home. He says he wants to fix this, but I don't know what to think.

Anyone out there going through anything similar, I'm ready for counseling, he said I need therapy, and I didn't think it was me, is it me?? Did I forget something when I said I do. This is my first marriage and his second. He asked me if I wanted a separation, I refused an answer as I've been clear about working out our problems, but I can't work on them alone.

What sucks is the little things are now these huge monsters!

Advise would be great from someone who feels this way.
 

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The absolute delight on my wedding day, has turned into what I do today, write on this message board. It depresses me.
Only 4 years of being married 7 total years together and 15 months after the birth of our daughter we've taken a turn. We have kids from previous relationships. But it was one big happy family, and it was always our saying "US against THEM", meaning he and I to raise our kids the way we saw fit, and we always agreed even though most weren't ours together we were going to treat them that way.
However, the death of his mother has changed the dynamics, I also believe he's taken on a "I'm going to do everything I ever wanted to do and not die with regrets". This philosophy is affecting our marriage because the things he wants to do doesn't include the rest of us. So its now ME and the KIDS and my spouse and his social calender. He doesn't think about us, as much as he does getting his calender filled up with "ME" stuff, we are just not part of it. When he is around which is rare, he only bosses the kids around on doing chores never any bonding going on, always on the phone, or on the computer or otherwise tuned out. So even when he's home, he's not home. He says he wants to fix this, but I don't know what to think.

Anyone out there going through anything similar, I'm ready for counseling, he said I need therapy, and I didn't think it was me, is it me?? Did I forget something when I said I do. This is my first marriage and his second. He asked me if I wanted a separation, I refused an answer as I've been clear about working out our problems, but I can't work on them alone.

What sucks is the little things are now these huge monsters!

Advise would be great from someone who feels this way.
IMO if you both are going to work it out then you should see a counselor together. Even though you think the problem is him...therapy could open up your eyes and mind to way he is acting like this and help the both of you get to the bottom of the problems.
 

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Counsiling for the both of you can see the roots of the problem(s) involved, however if he doesn't want to do it then it can still help you to understand the feeling and issues on your side. Often death changes people and maybe he doesn't want to regret things but I would think he'd regret losing his family and wife because he didn't give them time. He doesn't have to stop doing things for himself but quality time with you and the familoy is important. I also think that you two would benifit from better communication as it seems to have broken down.

draconis
 
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