My wife and I have been married for 25 years, and we have two children, both in college (one local, one out of state). For years my wife was very attentive to me, and we enjoyed sex often. Over the last five years, my wife has gone through several changes:
• Started working full-time after several years of staying home with the kids, and then working part-time at my kids’ school;
• Went through menopause, still has hot-flashes from time to time;
• Went through depression, and is on medication;
• After the two kids, my wife never lost the weight. She is now well over 50 pounds overweight, takes high-blood pressure medicine, and does not exercise.
The first sign that something was wrong was that she stopped enjoying sex; at least stopped enjoying what I was doing during sex. I was a virgin when I met my wife, so I’ve basically tried to do things I know she enjoys. She stopped initiating sex, and started telling me that she needed a back-rub every time before sex. The problem with that was she would either fall asleep, or once I finished giving her a massage, anything I did afterwards was no longer pleasant. At one time, I could touch my wife almost anywhere, and she would start getting excited. This was obviously no longer the case, she became incredibly sensitive everywhere, especially her breasts, so I started asking her what I could do for her. She wouldn’t talk, or she would say that she had a hard time opening up to me. I purchased some books to help us talk through the issues, but they didn’t help or she wouldn’t be honest when answering the questions. After some time, we just wouldn’t have sex at all. Eventually she told me that she loves me, but is “no longer in love with me.” To this day I don’t know what she meant.
The next problem was that I noticed her emailing someone, and she would hide the laptop from me when I came into the room. I became suspicious, and then she accidentally emailed me something meant for someone else. It turned out she had developed a relationship with a co-worker. I’m sure it’s only been emails, but reading the email chain made me upset. This co-worker had given my wife a necklace for Christmas, and she didn’t tell me. Plus, in the email, she said how “she would wear it close to her heart”…my wife hasn’t spoken to me like that in years. When I confronted her about it, she said it was nothing. A year or two later, I found out that she was still emailing this friend. Now the emails had become negative towards me. I confronted her about this, and initially she said she was sorry, and emailed her friend that she couldn’t keep up this relationship, as her family comes first. Afterwards, she wrote me a note (she can’t even talk to me about it) about how nothing was between them, and that she was just venting about her husband, like many wives do. She went on to say that he “listens” to her, they only meet in public, and that my actions showed her that I think I “own” her. I was so upset I couldn’t even talk about it. I don’t know if she is still communicating with this person, because if I bring it up, it’s only going to make her more distant.
When she was going through depression, she went to a doctor to discuss her problem. She told me that she “opened up” and told the doctor things “she’s never told anyone.” I asked her about it, and I believe I was made to be the blame of some of her feelings, that she had a problem with the relationships I've had with certain female co-workers. I would speak openly about all my co-workers to my wife, and we even attended the marriage of a co-worker. I never did anything that would even remotely be considered inappropriate, or anything that would jeopardize my marriage. I’m the sort of person who becomes very close to certain people, and I’ve been told many times what a great husband I must be.
I am a loving husband who makes a good salary, is home every night for my family. I have no social life outside of work, and I was the one helping my kids with homework and tests. I was the one who helped my kids apply for college, apply for scholarships, arrange the transportation, everything. I handle all bills, arrange all vacations, and I’m the one who does the majority of the housework. I pride myself in that I believe love is thinking of the other person first. I take care of myself because I feel my family needs me healthy, so I regularly exercise and could pass for someone 10 years younger. I also have presents for my wife for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, and any other time I feel she needs a gift. She rarely gives buys me anything, and if she does it’s something impersonal. She can no longer tell me she loves me, and she no longer puts it on cards. The tragic thing is that I’ve kept all the notes she used to leave for me that told me how special and how much she loves me. She no longer even touches me, and when I kiss her or hold her close, I can tell she just wants to get away. We still get along, but only as friends. We discussed going to a therapist, but we never did it.
Both kids are out of the house, so when we get home from work, my wife immediately puts on an old night shirt and takes off all her makeup. Because of her weight gain, she started snoring loudly, so I would have to spend time on the couch to get some sleep, which was tough on me. She now sleeps in one of my kids’ rooms, so now we’re farther apart than ever.
I think that after her depression and menopause, she developed a very low self-image, and has become very selfish. She only is concerned with things that affect her, and she has distanced herself from all else. She doesn’t keep up with news, she no longer works on projects around the house (she used to make jewelry and paint), and only cares about herself. I bought her an iPad after she had a very tough day at work, and now that’s become her closest friend. She just wants to sit and play games. I feel she’s still depressed and needs help. And in the meantime, I miss having someone care for me, touch me and make me feel special. I miss the intimacy, the closeness and simple physical contact.
Where do I go from here?
• Started working full-time after several years of staying home with the kids, and then working part-time at my kids’ school;
• Went through menopause, still has hot-flashes from time to time;
• Went through depression, and is on medication;
• After the two kids, my wife never lost the weight. She is now well over 50 pounds overweight, takes high-blood pressure medicine, and does not exercise.
The first sign that something was wrong was that she stopped enjoying sex; at least stopped enjoying what I was doing during sex. I was a virgin when I met my wife, so I’ve basically tried to do things I know she enjoys. She stopped initiating sex, and started telling me that she needed a back-rub every time before sex. The problem with that was she would either fall asleep, or once I finished giving her a massage, anything I did afterwards was no longer pleasant. At one time, I could touch my wife almost anywhere, and she would start getting excited. This was obviously no longer the case, she became incredibly sensitive everywhere, especially her breasts, so I started asking her what I could do for her. She wouldn’t talk, or she would say that she had a hard time opening up to me. I purchased some books to help us talk through the issues, but they didn’t help or she wouldn’t be honest when answering the questions. After some time, we just wouldn’t have sex at all. Eventually she told me that she loves me, but is “no longer in love with me.” To this day I don’t know what she meant.
The next problem was that I noticed her emailing someone, and she would hide the laptop from me when I came into the room. I became suspicious, and then she accidentally emailed me something meant for someone else. It turned out she had developed a relationship with a co-worker. I’m sure it’s only been emails, but reading the email chain made me upset. This co-worker had given my wife a necklace for Christmas, and she didn’t tell me. Plus, in the email, she said how “she would wear it close to her heart”…my wife hasn’t spoken to me like that in years. When I confronted her about it, she said it was nothing. A year or two later, I found out that she was still emailing this friend. Now the emails had become negative towards me. I confronted her about this, and initially she said she was sorry, and emailed her friend that she couldn’t keep up this relationship, as her family comes first. Afterwards, she wrote me a note (she can’t even talk to me about it) about how nothing was between them, and that she was just venting about her husband, like many wives do. She went on to say that he “listens” to her, they only meet in public, and that my actions showed her that I think I “own” her. I was so upset I couldn’t even talk about it. I don’t know if she is still communicating with this person, because if I bring it up, it’s only going to make her more distant.
When she was going through depression, she went to a doctor to discuss her problem. She told me that she “opened up” and told the doctor things “she’s never told anyone.” I asked her about it, and I believe I was made to be the blame of some of her feelings, that she had a problem with the relationships I've had with certain female co-workers. I would speak openly about all my co-workers to my wife, and we even attended the marriage of a co-worker. I never did anything that would even remotely be considered inappropriate, or anything that would jeopardize my marriage. I’m the sort of person who becomes very close to certain people, and I’ve been told many times what a great husband I must be.
I am a loving husband who makes a good salary, is home every night for my family. I have no social life outside of work, and I was the one helping my kids with homework and tests. I was the one who helped my kids apply for college, apply for scholarships, arrange the transportation, everything. I handle all bills, arrange all vacations, and I’m the one who does the majority of the housework. I pride myself in that I believe love is thinking of the other person first. I take care of myself because I feel my family needs me healthy, so I regularly exercise and could pass for someone 10 years younger. I also have presents for my wife for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, and any other time I feel she needs a gift. She rarely gives buys me anything, and if she does it’s something impersonal. She can no longer tell me she loves me, and she no longer puts it on cards. The tragic thing is that I’ve kept all the notes she used to leave for me that told me how special and how much she loves me. She no longer even touches me, and when I kiss her or hold her close, I can tell she just wants to get away. We still get along, but only as friends. We discussed going to a therapist, but we never did it.
Both kids are out of the house, so when we get home from work, my wife immediately puts on an old night shirt and takes off all her makeup. Because of her weight gain, she started snoring loudly, so I would have to spend time on the couch to get some sleep, which was tough on me. She now sleeps in one of my kids’ rooms, so now we’re farther apart than ever.
I think that after her depression and menopause, she developed a very low self-image, and has become very selfish. She only is concerned with things that affect her, and she has distanced herself from all else. She doesn’t keep up with news, she no longer works on projects around the house (she used to make jewelry and paint), and only cares about herself. I bought her an iPad after she had a very tough day at work, and now that’s become her closest friend. She just wants to sit and play games. I feel she’s still depressed and needs help. And in the meantime, I miss having someone care for me, touch me and make me feel special. I miss the intimacy, the closeness and simple physical contact.
Where do I go from here?
