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I feel silly writing on something so open and feel a little vulnerable by doing so but I feel like I need advice and I want it to be as unbiased as possible. My husband and I have been married for 6 months, we dated for a little over a year before we were married. A few days ago he was waiting for me to leave the office and he started looking at my facebook messages, emails, and pictures. I have never had my computer locked or have been signed out of email or social networking around him, it is always up and he is always alone with my computer. I have nothing to hide and have always felt like if I am an open book, he will be an open book as well. However, this time for some reason he decided to go through everything and has now been accusing me of cheating on him with co-workers, friends, and exes. Anyone who he found in my inbox or in my photo albums, regardless of how old the email or document in question was.

The messages that seem to have convinced him that I cheated on him are emails to one co-worker in particular who I had wrote a couple weeks ago telling him I missed him tons and called him a "playa" and at one point wrote him (before I met my husband) when I was on vacation and told him "I'm drunk" and "I hope he wasn't mad at me". All of this does sounds horrible and I would be pissed if I were my husband. But I have absolutely not even come close to cheating on him or doing or saying anything inappropriate. We all work overseas, I work with mostly men, and admittedly I am friendly with pretty much everyone. The male coworker in question is someone my husband knew and he also knew we were good friends. I consider him a younger brother. I have never been attracted to him in the slightest way. I wrote him saying "I hope you aren't mad at me" because he was covering for my work while I was on vacation, the "I'm drunk" was just a stupid judgement call and was not appropriate to be sending to a coworker. The recent "I miss you" was at the end of a paragraph telling him about what is new since he left and the "playa" is in reference to us (other coworkers and myself) teasing him because he was always with another girl and not serious with anyone. Out of context, this sounds horrible. And whatever my husband is going through, I understand it completely and know this just put him over the edge... however it keeps spiraling and now he is questioning my loyalty and honesty and integrity over every single friend in my life.

I don't know what to do to make him believe me. I told him I would do anything to help him get through this, as I know how hard it is. He cheated and lied to me when we first started dating and I know how difficult it can be. He did not want to commit for about 6 months and would tell me to basically get lost multiple times... I always loved him and stuck around, although a few times I said "fine" and would entertain a flirty relationship with other guys, always friendly, never sexual and always people I already knew. It would just be friendly banter as I was trying to force myself to like someone else besides now husband. I was devastated by his rejection and was simply trying to force myself out of the tunnel vision I get when I fall in love. He knows all of this, as I told him immediately after he wanted to me back. However now he is conveniently remembering me telling him these things, something I told him out of respect and loyalty and to show him I was an open book, and using them to prove his point that I'm not loyal and have never been loyal to him and I have always had these "extracurricular close friendships".

Since he lied and cheated, his response to everything I say to defend myself is "well that's something I would have said also" or "i said that to and I was lying" At first I told him he could have all my passwords and check them whenever he wanted, but that lasted 3 days. I changed them all tonight when it became apparent that it wouldn't help him... as he just keeps obsessing and digging and digging and making nothing into something. And when there is an email that is found that supports what I am trying to tell him, he claims I just deleted the bad ones.

Nothing with satiate him and he says all he wants is for me "to admit what I have done" and that "he knows for a fact that I slept with _____" I have not cheated! I have not cheated with anyone or lied to him about anything, not even before we were a serious relationship. I strongly believe that the only reason we got through the rocky beginning is because I maintained my loyalty and my faithfulness because I figured this relationship is only big enough for one cheater. And if I were to break down and do something like that, what would stop him from doing it? The golden rule I guess. But it just is not in my DNA. When someone gets to my heart, I will stay in that relationship, no matter how abusive and love them like a beaten puppy. He knows this... yet somehow he thinks I'm some master manipulator sociopath who has been lying and cheating, yet guilting him for the same transgressions for 2 years. It is pure lunacy to me and I just do not know how to reason with him.

I am honestly at a loss for what to do. I tried to treat him how I would want to be treated... but the difference is that he did actually lie and he did actually cheat. I haven't done either. He won't talk to me tonight and has called me a ***** and a liar more times than I can count... I'm appalled as that is so far out of my character. Part of me wonders if this is some weird way of him lashing out and maybe he will cheat again and he's trying to feel justified? But that only occurred to me right this second, so I don't know. He has mentioned as a threat that if he finds out I did anything that he will have sex with every woman he can, that kills me... but I know he is speaking out of anger and hurt and trying to use a bunch of tactics to get me to spill these imaginary beans he thinks I have.

I have no problem giving him complete access to my emails and fb again, but I just don't know if that is going to help him at this point or make it worse? I know my husband's hurts are warranted in some ways and I am deeply apologetic for my friendliness to my male coworkers and I just didn't realize it could be taken as being flirtatious until all of this. I have zero attraction to any of the male friends or coworkers and it just did not seem to be crossing a line by saying I miss them. In hindsight, it was incredibly hypocritical of me as I would freak out also if he was writing a female coworker and saying he missed her. It just was not like that AT ALL from my end so I just over looked it.

Any advice would be appreciated... What can I do to soothe his pain and his doubts? Would giving him my passwords help or hinder? I have never been in this situation before and I love my husband beyond words, he is it for me... my be all end all and I am afraid that this is going to start cracks forming in our relationship that we worked hard to repair. Either through him not being able to accept the truth and retaliating in some way, or just him throwing a guard up and thinking I am not the person he fell in love with.

I was always the one doing the accusing and now that I'm on the other end and being accused of something I did not do, I feel for the wrongly accused a little bit and wonder how many exes lives I made a living hell if they weren't actually doing anything.

Thank you
 

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Tell him that you understand how he feels, that if the tables were turned, you would be very suspicious, too, that you are an open book for him, that he can have complete access to everything you have, that you will take a polygraph, that you will stop the behavior that makes him uncomfortable. And that you really, really love him & can't stand to see the pain that this uncertainty is causing. You will do anything to help him see the truth of that.
 

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If he knows for a fact... how does he know that?

Has someone lied to him?

Saw an interesting segment of the Jeremy Kyle show, recently. A man was convinced his wife was cheating on him. Even got a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and went on the programme to have his wife exposed as a cheat.

She wasn't a cheat but her husband's use of cannabis had made him become so paranoid that he was convinced she was cheating on him.

Does your husband use cannabis?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you alte Dame. I have already said all of that but will keep telling him for as long as it takes, I will mention the polygraph, I hadn't thought of that before.

@MattMatt There is nothing to tell and I don't think anyone would just arbitrarily make something up about me, but who knows... stranger things have happened. We are a fairly small, close nit group working overseas, so it's kind of a small town in that respect, gossipy and catty. I just think it would be pure evil for someone to lie like that and possibly damage a person's marriage. No he doesn't use cannabis that I'm aware of.
 

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As someone who is still dealing with hurt from a spouse that did what you did (but with a little more flirtatious e-mail) I would suggest to keep offering to show him everything, show remorse, and continue to show empathy towards his perceptions. His perception is his reality right now, and it will take time for this hurt and anger to heal. You said you have experienced this on the other end, how long did it take for you to calm down and start to feel like you trusted him again?
 

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Hi Fixin, it's interesting you replied to me because when I googled my problem, your thread is what led me to this site. I am so sorry for the hurt and pain that you are going through. I would never deliberately do that to my husband and I think your statement about his perception being his reality is incredibly accurate. It's so black and white to me since I know my intentions weren't inappropriate but I need to remember what you just pointed out.

It took me a long time and I still have trust issues with him, he never made himself an open book though in regard to giving me his email passwords and things, although he lets me use his computer even if he leaves fb or email up... so I don't really know how that makes me feel in hindsight. I offered up my passwords and everything no problem at all, and I know I wasn't lying about anything, so it kind of makes me wonder why he didn't do the same thing. It definitely took me longer than 3 days to feel like I trusted him again. I will keep trying to remain calm and compassionate and not get frustrated with him and having to defend myself. I always said if it was reversed I would be able to handle the barrage of questions and would do it over and over until he was satisfied (as that's what I did to him, like a rapid fire machine gun of truth seeking) and it would drive him crazy answering the same question phrased 20 different ways. But now he's doing it to me and it is hard to remain empathetic when I'm just telling him the honest to God truth every single time. I am copying what you wrote so I can remember it every time he and I speak this week. Thank you
 

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For the record, I do know how hypocritical I sound. I know that despite my hurt and devastation at his transgressions, and my preaching to him to "not do anything he wouldn't do in front of me" and to "not put himself in situations that could lead to temptation or that could reflect poorly on our relationship" all things I said constantly to him, I was emailing guy friends and coworkers. I don't know if it's a woman thing and if we aren't attracted to the people we are talking to, we just think it's a bye maybe? I know it just did not occur to me. It's not like I deleted the messages thinking it was something to be guilty about. I do feel horrible and I feel like a hypocrite and I have told my husband that. But he now applies it to everything as one more reason why I'm not the person I presented myself as, which is really painful for me to hear. I am worried that this will unravel us or will push him down some path of retribution. Maybe that is still my previous trust issues still rearing their head, in which, I guess there is no answer to the "how long" question because it is just this vicious cycle. I am scared now he will start talking to other women, even just as friends just to spite me. I truly hope he doesn't. But even typing it makes me feel sick. Even so, I don't know what it is that makes me feel like it is worse if he does it? Maybe it's because I presume most men are weaker and could be easily pushed to cheat? I don't know. I can't sleep though. (it's very very late/early here)
 

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Thank you alte Dame. I have already said all of that but will keep telling him for as long as it takes, I will mention the polygraph, I hadn't thought of that before.

@MattMatt There is nothing to tell and I don't think anyone would just arbitrarily make something up about me, but who knows... stranger things have happened. We are a fairly small, close nit group working overseas, so it's kind of a small town in that respect, gossipy and catty. I just think it would be pure evil for someone to lie like that and possibly damage a person's marriage. No he doesn't use cannabis that I'm aware of.
Ask him if he does. The first time I became paranoid when smoking cannabis was the last time I ever used it. It's not as safe as some people claim.

Also, there are people who will try to split couples up. Someone told a deliberate lie to my girl friend to try to split me and my girl friend up. (She is now my wife, so thankfully his trick did not work. Yes his trick. It turned out a married friend of mine was a bisexual and tried to split us up. That was one friendship I definitely did not regret ending.)
 

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I seriously, seriously doubt it's drug use but of course I will verify with him. He acts like he was expecting this in some ways, I think what drove him to suspect anything was that he has mentioned before it was only a matter of time that I let him down and that I was too perfect to be real, like he has been looking for something to take me off my pedestal I guess? We were arguing a couple months back and got a little bit distant and I have been working a lot, I was always available either responding immediately to chats or texts until I got busier at work and more secure in our relationship since we got married, but he made a couple comments before this incident on my lack of responding like I used to and shamefully, I sort of relished that he was acting a little protective and jealous and I even felt good since I usually am the one waiting around for him to respond or make time for me. It made me feel like he still cared and still was in love with me as he never seemed jealous at all before. But I guess that feeling of his grew and it led him to finally look at all of my folders, files, and accounts on my laptop because he started getting suspicious. I know he has been cheated on and hurt in the past by ex-gfs and it really scarred him in some ways. I think part of why he treated me terribly in the beginning was that he was used to other women letting him down, so he kind of took on the attitude that he would be the one to do it first. Dysfunctional I know, but I'm trying to analyze it. He is a very tough, former Marine, alpha type guy on the outside, but incredibly affectionate and can be emotional when it's just me and him. I do not want to fall into the category of his exes where he thinks he needs to protect himself from hurt by hurting me first. I am clearly scared about that happening.

So it's almost like I have two problems, how do I prove myself to him and how do I make sure he does not let this eat away at him so badly that it ruins us or drives him to do something just to spite me? He has brought that up multiple times to try to prove his point, in which I always agree and tell him that yes, absolutely I would be furious if I read that he missed a coworker "sooooo much" and had multiple emails to those of the opposite sex.
 

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The viscous cycle thing is exactly what I was thinking as I read your posts. Relax, sleep, eat, you can’t make reasoned responses with him if you are overly stressed.
 

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Hmmmm.. Being an open book with all your social and work contacts is a magnificent idea. Keep it up.There is one thing I think should be said, though..I'm currently investigating similar behavior from my wife, so maybe I'm not 100% objective here,but it seems to me that the best thing for any marriage is simply to avoid saying anything that could be construed as flirtatious by your spouse. All other relationships need to change to accomodate your marriage.
 

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Sometimes when people are fearful of a certain outcome, they actually push to have it happen; they create their own self-fulfilling prophecy. This doesn't mean that they actually want the outcome, just that they are afraid of it. If it's bound to happen, their fearful minds say, let's get it over with. Maybe your husband is pushing on this mainly because he doesn't want to wait for the axe to fall. If so, you both have to figure out how to be secure enough to believe that there's no axe there at all.

Perhaps you can get some literature on proper boundaries in a marriage. Tell your husband, again, that you are sorry, sorry, sorry for violating these boundaries. Sit down and discuss them and commit, both of you, to respecting the boundaries from here on out. And take a polygraph if he wants.

And yes, definitely, women are often clueless about how their behavior is perceived by men (esp. young women). I'm always telling my son that many of the girls he's meeting really have no idea what kinds of signals men think they're sending. So you definitely need to get a clue here.
 

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Your messages to this guy are mildly inappropriate. I think the H is overreacting just to get you even with his cheating or to justify his cheating. There are also several red flags in your relationship.

He cheated and lied to me when we first started dating and I know how difficult it can be. He did not want to commit for about 6 months and would tell me to basically get lost multiple times
You are typical doormat type that can be easily exploited and abused. Which is happening now.


When someone gets to my heart, I will stay in that relationship, no matter how abusive and love them like a beaten puppy.
You think this is a positive trait to have ? You almost seem to be proud of it. Yes, this would be nice if you are with a guy that would appreciate it. This guy is exploiting it. This is how women typically end up in abusive relationships.

Just google and search for "co-dependancy"

Part of me wonders if this is some weird way of him lashing out and maybe he will cheat again and he's trying to feel justified?
Yes. The worst case is, he is already cheating on you. His lashing out on you for cheating could well be projection.

I am assuming you are quite young. You probably will ignore this issue(like all the red flags you seem to mention in your post) and will try to work it out while being called names and then finally leave him when you have enough of his abuse wondering why you wasted so much of your life on this guy.

A hopeful suggestion would be Marriage counseling
 

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You're post sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you didn't do anything wrong. I wouldn't believe you either.

I don't know what part of what I said made you think that I don't think I did anything wrong. I am deeply apologetic, I know what I did was wrong and crossed a boundary and came across in a way that was hurtful to my husband and is hypocritical to everything we have been through in the past. I am distraught that he thinks I could do something like this to him. Nothing I say satisfies him as he keeps wanting more and will say I deleted emails, etc etc.

To the person who called me a doormat, I am not. Maybe I was at first but I think I do a great job standing up for myself. I am loyal and I am proud of that. I hope and pray he is not projecting this on to me because he's already doing something.

I will be 30 in a few months, husband is 32.
 

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I now have been dealing with this all morning. He has chats and emails between my girlfriend and I that were BEFORE he and I were even officially dating, where I mention other guys that I was talking to. Never in a sexual way and always relating back to him as in "(future husband) said he did not want anything serious, he only had a crush, I'm heartbroken and have been forcing myself to talk to _____ to try to get out of the tunnel vision I have" To me, this clearly shows I was never deceitful. And again I have told ALL of this to my husband before, in real time, when I was considering trying to date other people over a year and a half ago. However, my husband reads this and takes one sentence and twists it to fit this demented reality he has. He has indeed berated me all morning. He keeps calling me a liar.

I haven't given him my passwords back because I haven't seen that it helped him, as he obsesses and twists everything he reads, no matter how innocent or trivial or not even in the same timeline of us dating, being engaged, and being married. I have no issue being an open book... but I do not want to listen to him making something out of nothing. We were so happy and doing great and he has just lost it on me.

I keep telling him the truth, the truth doesn't change. But it has not helped so far. There are only so many times that I can tolerate being called a liar or compared to himself and his excuses. We are not the same person and I keep telling him yeah he may have said the same thing when he lied, but it doesn't mean it applies to me.

I have almost burst into tears twice at work this afternoon, during these email rebuttals back and forth with him. (we work in the same general area, however I only get to see him about 3 -4 times a week)

I have been thinking about what to do, and I wondered if it would be good enough for him to have access when we are together (he can open up my fb, emails, whatever he wants to look at) while we are together, but I think it is harmful to let him peruse for hours upon hours and obsess about ridiculous minutae statements like "how was your day?" I am at a loss.
 

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I'm coming in late here and haven't even read your original post. But the title alone will dictate my respones.

Is he projecting?

My chick would always throw down the cheating card on me....come to find out she was banging all kinds of dudes.

Just saying!
 

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You probably, at this point should just go silent on him

You can only do what you can do----and he is jumping back in, based on the you protest to much, cept in your case replace protest with defend

Just let him rant and rave, and walk away, tell him, you have stated what has happened, there is nothing more to discuss, and you want this over and done with

Let him be by himself, in fact tell him if he doesn't believe you---there is the door, he is free to leave anytime he doesn't wanna believe you, and be with you----it seems that harshness is about the only thing that works, in many of these situations.

You can even volunteer to take a polygraph

Your H., may just be turning into a jealous, control freak, which you didn't know about until now---this all should be dealt with, NOW

I would suggest one thing for now, stop talking to all guys on any/all social websites---DO NOT GIVE YOUR H ANY MORE AMMUNITION-------and why are you out getting drunk, why would you need to drink to the level that you are drunk??????
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
thank you jnj. I have gone rounds again with him and he says he has no choice but to believe me, i am sure it will come up again tonight when I see him but I can do what you suggested if it gets out of hand again. Thank you for the advice, truly. And I will try everything and anything for him to see that it is all a misunderstanding.

You are absolutely right about the getting drunk and not giving him ammunition. I deleted my male friend and coworker in question and will not do or say anything remotely close to hurting him or that can be misconstrued. I agree with you 100% and I know that if he did it to me, and was saying he missed a coworker I would be irate. I just didn't think it was that bad of me to say at the time because 1) husband already knew all of my coworkers were close and i even told husband i missed the coworker and 2) i know i have never had feelings or emotions for anyone but my husband. So yes, i was a hypocrite and thought since I didn't have feelings and it wasn't anything i was hiding, that it wasn't bad. I see now it is just as bad and if it hurts him, it hurts us and it hurts me. No one, not any friendship, takes priority over my relationship with my husband. So it's not a problem to cease all contact with anyone of the opposite sex if that's what it takes. The drunk email was from almost two years ago when husband and I had just started seeing each other and before he committed to me. I don't do that anymore and if I do go out and get drunk, it is with my husband on vacation.
 
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