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I have pretty much made myself nuts trying to figure out what to do. Thought I would ask y'all for feedback.
Will try to condense a large picture. I’m a 54 year old divorcee with 3 adult kids. Two of my kids are here in the area, third one is 3 hours away. Been with boyfriend going on 7 years now, living together for 4. He tells everyone I’m his fiancé even though he’s never actually asked for marriage, hinted multiple times but no outright asking. I have always said I do not want to get married again. Ex and I are friends, but the divorce just really made an impact on me, just don’t want to sign my life away to another man.
We live in a new, large doublewide on 10 acres of land in the country, with 3 rescue dogs and 1 outside cat. Lots of space with extra bedrooms and land to roam.
We don’t much of a sexual relationship. We did at first, but he had a heart stent put in and is cautious now, plus I went into menopause and lost all sex drive. We’ve both been okay with the once a month sex. I don’t even sleep with him in the same bed, he thrashes all night long, I have to be able to sleep to go to work so I set up a twin bed next to him. We’ve both benefited from the better sleep. Overall good relationship, I've just noticed he tends to need a lot of attention and tries to tell people how smart he is..no big deal, not a deal breaker, just gets annoying.
Enter Covid-19…22 year old son was laid off from his job so he had to let go of his apartment. Bf told him he could move in with us, until he could get back on his feet so he did. 30 year old daughter was going through a divorce and in the middle of doing a job transfer out of state. Covid shut both down. She was having to live with the guy she was divorcing..she ended up moving in with us and brought her little dog and two cats. It’s all worked out fine spacewise, animals get along well, kids pay for their own groceries, pet food, do their own laundry and meals, and help around the home/property. My kids though, have made a few comments privately how they think BF is a braggart and can be condescending/patronizing. They don't engage with it, just trying to keep the peace out of respect to him for letting them stay in the home. At the same time, it’s become an issue with BF that I am very close to my kids (he knew that beforehand) and with their life situations going on, the quarantine, we’ve been having deep conversations about what they will do with their lives and how to handle this crazy 2020 year. He has been making snarky comments and getting mad about the kids getting attention. For example, my son has always been obsessed with space; the recent SpaceX launch was a huge deal for him, he was so excited. He and I were watching the astronauts enter the space station, as it was happening live. BF (who said he wasn't interested in the launch, etc) came into the room wanting to show me a bolt he had repaired for the riding mower, I said “I will look at it in just a moment, the astronauts are docked and entering the space station at this moment, so exciting!” He stomped off and started slamming doors, clearly pissed. I went to him and asked him what was he trying to show me, he said “too f**g late” and stomped off again. There’s been other incidents like that but the most recent one was a doozy. We got into an argument, I got angry because I was beginning to feel like he was making me choose between him and my kids. I popped off to him that I had 3 kids in the house not two. He flipped me off, yelling “F**K YOU, I do this and that..etc, etc” I said well I do the same thing, f you too. He started walking away and made this show of holding his hand up, doing the numbers 3-4-2. I said “342?” He said “yeah, 3 adults, 4 dogs, 2 cats, get out.” I said “you are saying you are kicking us all out?” He did it again, 342 then threw a thumbs up over his shoulder. I said “okay, well when my daughter gets her transfer and new place, I will get my stuff and go with her.” He just walked away. I was stunned. He knows my kids are at the lowest they've been in life, with nowhere to go right now, not to mention with the furkids. My son, unfortunately, heard the whole thing and was enraged that BF had talked to me that way, says BF has made several disrespectful comments about me when I wasn’t around. I had to calm him down and tell him not to confront BF, would make things worse. Son called daughter at work and told her the whole thing, of course, now she can’t wait to get out asap and wants me and son to go with her. A short time later, BF walks by. I said “can you give us a few weeks to get out?” He backpedaled just a bit, saying he would like for he and I to move forward together and just walked off. We have not discussed it anymore, he’s acting like it never happened, been trying to be sweet and is extra nice to my kids..I am so confused! Of course it doesn’t help that daughter is moving to Tennessee, close to the Smoky Mountains, a place I have visited many times and love so much. BF and I have had conversations over the years about moving to the Smokies when he retires. He knows she is moving there. Son has already said he is going to Tenn, they are both telling me to go too, if BF really loves me and cares, he will eventually retire and get up there too. I am leaning towards going, just very torn. What do you all think?
 

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Ok so many questions.
Is this his house? Does he pay for everything?
Or is it both of your house? Do you work?

BF is feeling some attention loss and is used to having you all to himself. He sounds like an ass but we are only hearing your side of the story. Since your kids have moved in have you made time for just you and him? Couples need to date each other. What is your BF love language it is probably time or words of affirmation. Is he still getting those?

Over all it sounds like you two were doing well until your kids moved in. I'm glad you love your kids but do you want to live with your kids the rest of your life? My point being whether you are married or not most people desire a companion to spend their time.

I would never put up with idle threats. If you are able and want to move out. If not then sit and have a rational conversation with him. Self reflect on are you being fair to him and his needs? Moving to Tennessee with your daughter sounds like a great solution but don't expect him to join you. Especially if you don't make it clear that it is something you'd welcome.

First figure out what you want. If everything you say is true and you have not contributed by ignoring your partner then you should leave. If you have contributed perhaps both of you should sit and have a real feelings conversation and stop just reacting to bad situations.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
The house is in his name as primary but I am on the mortgage too.
I pay the electric bill and insurance as well as my car note/insurance, groceries, all pet supplies (for ours) etc.
Yes, I work and both of my kids work as well.
We were doing...okay.. before my kids moved in. Like I said, our sexual relationship fizzled quite some time ago and we aren't even sleeping in the same bed. We haven't been able to "date" because of Covid, he doesn't want to hug or kiss anymore, with the heart procedure he had, he's very paranoid about the virus. We not touch each other at all. I probably could try a little harder though, I'm tired and dealing with a lot with the virus, my kids and their situations, I never have any alone time (which I crave) that's okay but I have withdrawn some and tend to be quieter these days.
I've tried to talk to him about the threat, he interrupts me constantly and gets belligerent and walks off. I've given up on having a conversation about it.
 

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It sounds like you two have no intimacy - physical or emotional. Heart stents are usually not a reason to become celibate in 2020. It's a mild form of cardio and can be good for your heart. It sounds like the only real connection you have is the house. Condescending talk is a form of emotional abuse. Is this really what you want in life? I doubt it is what he wants either, you both just need to admit it.
 

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This is dicey. Thank God you didn't marry this guy. I think that's a smart move. Honestly, my mother had to deal with a j*** o** stepfather, even kept my grandmother's jewelry and didn't give it to her only daughter (my mom). I would try to move out and get a place of your own if you can afford it. Sometimes people put on a good show, but in hard times, true colors come out. I'd leave, there's nothing tying you to this man. Also, if you do choose to eventually enter another relationship, no financial ties whatsoever, b/c now you may lose the money you invested.
 

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If her name is on the mortgage then yes there is financial ties.
The house is in his name as primary but I am on the mortgage too.
I pay the electric bill and insurance as well as my car note/insurance, groceries, all pet supplies (for ours) etc.
Yes, I work and both of my kids work as well.
We were doing...okay.. before my kids moved in. Like I said, our sexual relationship fizzled quite some time ago and we aren't even sleeping in the same bed. We haven't been able to "date" because of Covid, he doesn't want to hug or kiss anymore, with the heart procedure he had, he's very paranoid about the virus. We not touch each other at all. I probably could try a little harder though, I'm tired and dealing with a lot with the virus, my kids and their situations, I never have any alone time (which I crave) that's okay but I have withdrawn some and tend to be quieter these days.
I've tried to talk to him about the threat, he interrupts me constantly and gets belligerent and walks off. I've given up on having a conversation about it.
If you are on the mortgage is it joint or as a co-signer. If it is a co-signer, why would you agree to that. If it is joint you should approach him about either selling so you can get your 1/2 of the equity and get your name off the title. If it is as a co-signer you really need to get it refinanced as you are legal liable for the payment but have no ownership rights. Let him know his outburst has made it abundantly clear that you do not want to be liable for what he considers to be his house. If he won't let you talk put it in writing.

COVID isn't a reason you can't date. You don't have to leave your house to have a date. And you have 10 acres so you can have alone time if you want it.

The real question is do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? or not? If you do I'd write him a letter that let's him know you are not going to ignore him threatening you and your children with eviction. Ask him to think about what it is he wants and that if he wants to be with you he will need to be willing to sit down and talk and work on your relationship. Let him know if he isn't willing to talk or continues to talk over you and change the subject that you will be leaving and outline what needs to be done (like the house) and other items.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
It sounds like you two have no intimacy - physical or emotional. Heart stents are usually not a reason to become celibate in 2020. It's a mild form of cardio and can be good for your heart. It sounds like the only real connection you have is the house. Condescending talk is a form of emotional abuse. Is this really what you want in life? I doubt it is what he wants either, you both just need to admit it.
No, it's not what I want. You are right about no intimacy, it's been gone for awhile. I guess I just think it will eventually come back? At this point though, after flipping me off and yelling "F**K YOU!" and the threat of ALL of us being kicked out, I don't see myself being able to be intimate with him again. I just struggle with whether I should give him the benefit of the doubt, with the very unique situation we are in, with Covid and all.
 

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This is dicey. Thank God you didn't marry this guy. I think that's a smart move. Honestly, my mother had to deal with a j*** o** stepfather, even kept my grandmother's jewelry and didn't give it to her only daughter (my mom). I would try to move out and get a place of your own if you can afford it. Sometimes people put on a good show, but in hard times, true colors come out. I'd leave, there's nothing tying you to this man. Also, if you do choose to eventually enter another relationship, no financial ties whatsoever, b/c now you may lose the money you invested.
That's exactly what I thought about this situation with my kids. While it's unfortunate and looks to be the death knell for BF and I, it's like you said, his true colors came out. I've been absolutely floored but it's good to know 😕
 

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If her name is on the mortgage then yes there is financial ties.

If you are on the mortgage is it joint or as a co-signer. If it is a co-signer, why would you agree to that. If it is joint you should approach him about either selling so you can get your 1/2 of the equity and get your name off the title. If it is as a co-signer you really need to get it refinanced as you are legal liable for the payment but have no ownership rights. Let him know his outburst has made it abundantly clear that you do not want to be liable for what he considers to be his house. If he won't let you talk put it in writing.

COVID isn't a reason you can't date. You don't have to leave your house to have a date. And you have 10 acres so you can have alone time if you want it.

The real question is do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? or not? If you do I'd write him a letter that let's him know you are not going to ignore him threatening you and your children with eviction. Ask him to think about what it is he wants and that if he wants to be with you he will need to be willing to sit down and talk and work on your relationship. Let him know if he isn't willing to talk or continues to talk over you and change the subject that you will be leaving and outline what needs to be done (like the house) and other items.
It was joint, and yes, I've already talked to a friend of mine who works in a real estate attorney's office and getting advice.
Didn't say we couldn't date.. it's just hard to do when there's no intimacy, no physical contact etc. As for getting out on the land, yeah that wouldn't last long in this heat and mosquitoes galore 😁
As for talking to him, he gets defensive and starts listing everything I do wrong, or just walks away. So I haven't tried anymore.
I'm pretty sure I don't want the relationship anymore, I'm just one of those who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and make sure all options have been exhausted before I call it quits.
 

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Yes, much better to know now than later down the road. Sometimes things just don’t work. Glad all of y’all are getting out.
 

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That's exactly what I thought about this situation with my kids. While it's unfortunate and looks to be the death knell for BF and I, it's like you said, his true colors came out. I've been absolutely floored but it's good to know 😕
I'm glad you could see it before you made a huge mistake. Unfortunately, my step-grandfather put up a semi-good show til before my grandmother died. None of us ever liked him anyway, but it just complicated things with him in the picture. Think of your kids!
 

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The house is in his name as primary but I am on the mortgage too.
It was joint, and yes, I've already talked to a friend of mine who works in a real estate attorney's office and getting advice.
These two statements are confusing to me. Did you purchase the house together, or did he have your name added at some point after he had already bought it?

Your two statements are also confusing because if the house belongs to both of you jointly, then he can't just tell you to leave. And yet, all your posts about him telling you to leave are as though he has the option to render you homeless. And you began making plans to leave because he told you to leave. But a person who jointly owns the home would not so readily take to being kicked out of it nor ask permission for additional time to prepare her exit. So, I'm hoping you will clarify for us. Is the house both of yours or just his?

I'm pretty sure I don't want the relationship anymore, I'm just one of those who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and make sure all options have been exhausted before I call it quits.
I don't think it really matters if you want the relationship or not. Giving him the benefit of doubt only means you would be giving him another opportunity to kick you out at his whim. The very idea that he told you to leave means you have no stability because you placed yourself at his will. So the next time he gets angry, you will find yourself on the street.

I was briefly with a guy who was selfish just like him. My daughter visited for an afternoon, and he did everything he could think of to draw my attention away from her and back on him. He called me out of the room for no reason. He called me upstairs to say nothing and show me nothing. He just kept calling me to get me away from her. I began to compare that to him telling me about chasing her mother's boyfriends away when he was a kid. His mother married a man who did something incredibly stupid, so he told his mother about it, which he should have done. But when he finished telling me the story, he laughed with an evil Cheshire cat grin and said, "Hee hee I got rid of him real fast." He was only 8 years old. It showed me how selfish he was and that he was doing the same to me, trying to get rid of my daughter so she and I couldn't share an afternoon together.

You can't win with a man like that. You should move away with your daughter as you began planning to do so you don't keep yourself at his mercy any longer. Exhausting all options my arse. Get away from him because next time could be worse. If you want, you could allow him to join you after he retires. That way, you won't be at his mercy. It will be your place that he can't throw you out of whenever he feels like it.
 

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t this point though, after flipping me off and yelling "F**K YOU!" and the threat of ALL of us being kicked out .... I just struggle with whether I should give him the benefit of the doubt
Nope. No benefit of the doubt. No latitude. And I don't give a good cahoot what this guy is going through. Unacceptable. Walk away from this mess. You deserve to have people in your life who don't flip you off and use f-bombs.

Nothing to think about here. Get your ducks in a row, and move on with your life. Seriously.
 

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Leave and don't look back. All of your story was disturbing but what really got to me was that your bf made disparaging remarks about you around your kids when you weren't there. That's unforgivable in my book. Not to say the other stuff is, but for me, that'd be my breaking point.

BTW, your kids sound amazing! They have your back. Your bf doesn't.
 

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🧡Thank you so much for all of your responses.🧡 They have pulled me out of a fog of confusion, sadness, and anger and given me much more clarity. Taking steps now to prepare to move out. Daughter is worried BF will be angry and lash out, we will see. Y'all wish me luck!
 

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You don't want him that is easy. Dump him. But don't let you share of the property go and don't leave your name on the mortgage.

Also don't invite him to join you in Tennessee. There are other fish in the sea.
 

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🧡Thank you so much for all of your responses.🧡 They have pulled me out of a fog of confusion, sadness, and anger and given me much more clarity. Taking steps now to prepare to move out. Daughter is worried BF will be angry and lash out, we will see. Y'all wish me luck!
That's fantastic!
 
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