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Hello all, I am in a marriage where I work full time making well above average salary. When we got married she decided to work part-time so she can take care of the house and her kids. I was not too happy with it but I let her make the decision. At this time we also combined our finance and my paychecks are deposited to our joint account 100%, which I can't even remember my online log in info. She handles the finance 100% and I do not seem to have any input in regards to our finance.

Before we got married I had very secure financial future by putting my money in savings account and retirement accounts, always turn off the light when I leave the house, save on grocery by buying cheaper products, never bought a new car, shop for clothes twice a year when they are on sale, try to cook most of my meals at home etc...

Now we are in very tight spot where we live paycheck by paycheck with NO savings, even to the point where we are spending more than we make. When I ask please turn the lights off when you leave it's ignored. When I say we don't need to run the washer for 5 t-shirts it's ignored. When I make suggestion on what we should buy at grocery it's ignored. When I suggest how much we should spend on holiday gifts it's ignored. When I suggested that her kids should contribute part of their paycheck, if they want longer talk time and mobile data plan, we end up in an argument. I feel like she is telling me that I am sort of talking things away from her kids, I do not have kids of my own. They are in their 20's with part time job and we pay for all their basic needs and insurance. Our house mortgage payments is about 25% of my salary. My monthly spending, including commute cost and personal spending is about 12% of my salary. I know our income is above many people we know and yet she does not understand how they can save so much.

Am I being too uptight or my point of view completely wrong? Any suggestion on how to approach her? Is it wrong for me to say I should have at least 50% of input on how we spends our money? I feel like when I try to talk to her somehow she get an impression that I am not trusting her, I am going to take away things from her kids, she wrong and she is that....balh blah blah All I really want is to have secure financial future.
 

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take your entire paycheck from her.
she is using you.
she dont like it tell her you dont care. Decisions made. Then anything in your name, she wont let you seem to know about, shut it off. phone, electric, whatever.
Should send a message.

i cant believe you guys put up with this kind of crap from women.
it simply astounds me.

how should you approach her? I would never put myself in that predicament to start with. But being you i would probably say something like "shut up and give me my money".
 

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Bribrius is a bit extreme and I wouldn't advise doing as he suggested just yet. Have you tried marriage counseling? You do seem a bit uptight but your not unfair and it is perfectly reasonable that those 20 something year old kids of hers contribute financially as well. If she seems dead set on disrespecting you in such a manner and refuses to compromise then I do think bribrius's approach is your best bet. Since your married... nothing should be yours or hers... it should be both of yours so she needs to drop the "mine" attitude.
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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
In the beginning we have and due to my crazy work hours at that time I had to stop. After few years during one our arguments she made a comment the counselor told her that "I am too close minded and I will never listen." I am not sure if I believe it 100% but who knows.

I don't believe I am that uptight. When she wants to buy stuff I ALWAYS tell her spend more money and get the stuff you want that are good quality. Spend more money on quality shoes and not quantity. I don't have problem of proving as much as I can BUT when you are living paycheck by paycheck I don't think that is a wise financial decision.

I provide most of the support for her and her kids without much expectation except what I see as normal courtesy. Things like say thanks you; say excuse me; be on time for family get together; be courteous to others; never judge someone because of some rumors, especially when you do not know the person; keep your mind open; be a proper guest when visiting someone's family; be courteous of others in the family, friends and strangers; be a man; act like a lady. Yes I STILL believe in tradition and I do NOT see this as uptight old man expectation, it's basic social skills REQUIRED. Sadly I see SO many younger generations not being taught by their parents.

I DON'T believe in treating your kids like prince and princess; Teach them to act proper without expectations; Teach them other people are as valuable as themselves; Teach them about value of family, money and friends, instead of having lots of money, friends that comes and go, KEEP the ones who are HONEST. Cut the CRAP by being a FAKE person, fake comments like love you, missed you, you are so great, fake laughter, blah blah blah, to me is an insult to person's intelligence. I don't believe my expectation of being treated with honesty is being close minded. SO many people are nothing but fake shells with makeup on their face. I don't go by words of many but actions of few, body language to me speaks louder than words. Because I have no problem expressing my honest thoughts and opinions I don't believe that is being close minded.

"IF" I am a type of person who thinks it's my money it's my car, my house I would NOT have agreeded to a joint account where 100% of my salary is deposited. If someone believe that my belief is wrong I would have NO problem changing my opinion as long as they can carry on a sound, intelligent and logical discussion. I value honesty, even if someone tell me they don't like me, at least they are honest and being who they are. I can respect that.
 

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Ok I would advise against telling her to spend more money to get quality shoes, make up, whatever. If your living paycheck to paycheck and she feels she needs to spoil herself she could get things that are cheaper and keep them in good condition. I don't see why she is trying to keep you from seeing the finances and frankly I don't believe you should keep letting that go on. Its not about you not trusting her. Your both in a marriage so unless she has something to hide there is no reason why you can't look over bank statements, bills, ect.
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In the beginning we have and due to my crazy work hours at that time I had to stop. After few years during one our arguments she made a comment the counselor told her that "I am too close minded and I will never listen." I am not sure if I believe it 100% but who knows.

I don't believe I am that uptight. When she wants to buy stuff I ALWAYS tell her spend more money and get the stuff you want that are good quality. Spend more money on quality shoes and not quantity. I don't have problem of proving as much as I can BUT when you are living paycheck by paycheck I don't think that is a wise financial decision.

I provide most of the support for her and her kids without much expectation except what I see as normal courtesy. Things like say thanks you; say excuse me; be on time for family get together; be courteous to others; never judge someone because of some rumors, especially when you do not know the person; keep your mind open; be a proper guest when visiting someone's family; be courteous of others in the family, friends and strangers; be a man; act like a lady. Yes I STILL believe in tradition and I do NOT see this as uptight old man expectation, it's basic social skills REQUIRED. Sadly I see SO many younger generations not being taught by their parents.

I DON'T believe in treating your kids like prince and princess; Teach them to act proper without expectations; Teach them other people are as valuable as themselves; Teach them about value of family, money and friends, instead of having lots of money, friends that comes and go, KEEP the ones who are HONEST. Cut the CRAP by being a FAKE person, fake comments like love you, missed you, you are so great, fake laughter, blah blah blah, to me is an insult to person's intelligence. I don't believe my expectation of being treated with honesty is being close minded. SO many people are nothing but fake shells with makeup on their face. I don't go by words of many but actions of few, body language to me speaks louder than words. Because I have no problem expressing my honest thoughts and opinions I don't believe that is being close minded.

"IF" I am a type of person who thinks it's my money it's my car, my house I would NOT have agreeded to a joint account where 100% of my salary is deposited. If someone believe that my belief is wrong I would have NO problem changing my opinion as long as they can carry on a sound, intelligent and logical discussion. I value honesty, even if someone tell me they don't like me, at least they are honest and being who they are. I can respect that.
i totally support my wife and children. And like i said, i wouldnt have put myself in the position to start with.
That isn't traditional, that is kind of dumb.
Dude, go get your money.

here ya go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y9BukEBI9c
there is my advice. LOL
 

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Discussion Starter #7
i totally support my wife and children. That isn't traditional, that is kind of dumb.
I am not sure what is dumb?
How do you approach the subject when only thing out of the conversion is another arguement. So when I don't talk much than I am considered as being a dominate by not speaking. So either have another argument or ignore it and get callled being a control freak by not talking...It feels like you get screwed either way...So my choice have been ignore, no argument and keep my sanity...which is not working out either...
 

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I am not sure what is dumb?
How do you approach the subject when only thing out of the conversion is another arguement. So when I don't talk much than I am considered as being a dominate by not speaking. So either have another argument or ignore it and get callled being a control freak by not talking...It feels like you get screwed either way...So my choice have been ignore, no argument and keep my sanity...which is not working out either...
why do you care if she calls you a control freak?
my wife calls me a insensitive **** when she gets mad. Doesnt really phase me.
And if she had all the finances and was hiding them i wouldnt care what she called me.
you seem really careful about stepping on toes here, and i dont understand why you are so worried about it.
Let her consider you whatever she wants. she will get over it, and if she dont oh well. just go get your money and the finances dude.
geez. i think she has you emasculated. Dont argue with her, never argue with a woman. Just act. Take them back, start shutting it down. Dont even think about arguing with her. It will just go round and round and it is kind of a waste of time.
Stop the paychecks from going in, start there. Then move to anything else in your name and take them back.
Tell her if she doesnt smarten up the only time she will get any money out of you is what you leave on the bed after sex for her. :D
 

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Your not a control freak... in a sense... she is. She is being controlling by trying to guilt trip you into letting her do whatever she wishes. A marriage is a partnership and she isn't really acting the part. Don't be afraid to speak your mind, be assertive, and take action. Don't let her guilt trip you.
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It's not her fault that you don't know your bank account number & how much money you have.

It is your fault. Stop playing the victim. So what if she gets mad; deal with it.

Many married couples fight, fight, fight over money. The way I see it work is as follows:

1) Account to pay all household bills including your mortgage, taxes, insurance, food, utilities, pets & savings.

2) Account for husband to do what he wants.

3) Account for wife to do what she wants.

Ease up on telling her to turn the lights off. You want them off; you turn them off.
 
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