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:confused:so he went 6 months not contacting her., said after about three weeks that he felt so guilty about what he did to her that he wanted to talk to her to explain how sorry he was. i said no.
well, just found out that he tried to call her two weeks ago to say sorry. she didnt answer. said he did it for himself, that a huge weight of guilt lifted off him once he did. he has had a wall up to me for months, adn said after he made that call, he felt ready to let the wall down.
i dont get it, if he wanted to apologize and it didnt mean anything whether she heard him or not, so basically it was an empty apology, why did it matter so much? i feel like it means he still cares about her, he says it wasnt about her it was for him.
What a betrayal. not sure how to trust him again, i gave him a second chance on the one stipulation that he never contact her again. six months of work feels like it was for nothing now.
 

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does the fact that he never said a final goodbye and sorry make sense in his situation? i dont know...i feel like he shouldnt get that chance, that he just needs to live with that. but maybe i should have let him write a final letter to her? that i approved? but i didnt let him...i need help understanding how the wayward spouse moves on from the ending of the relationship with the lover.
 

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:iagree:

You need to come 1st. before her for sure, but also before anything else in his life. If he can't demonstrate that, he doesn't deserve your trust.

My wife is really having problems with that. She thinks now that we are 5 months past D-day and nearly a year since she said she stopped before I found out, that life should get back to normal.

But no, life never goes back to normal. You can establish a new normal. And it can be happy, but he needs to earn your trust. Otherwise you will be happy with half his stuff in your new life.
 

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shaggy, what if he says it wasnt about her? she didnt answer, he didnt leave a message, but he immediately felt better. he said it was for him. he was being selfish and now he feels his wall towards me coming down.
 

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After I sent my NC letter to the OW she came and saw me. God. That was horrible. I had hurt her and she was angry. She was hurting. I thought she was going to hit me (she was a big girl, nearly 6') and I felt I deserved it. But she didn't hit me. :(

Yes, I know that she'd manipulated me into the affair but even so, I felt guilty.
 

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i finally feel like i do need to come first. hes been putting himself first since about three weeks after dday. he was borderline suicidal becasue he was so upset with himself. hes been wanting to apologize to her since then and i wouldnt let him.

i told him i think i need to move out becasue its all "me me me" with him, and its hurting me. he tells me he doesnt want that. well of course he doesnt. im beautiful and loving and i took him back. but i think it was too soon. three weeks after dday, i agreed to work on things, and thats when everything changed and he stopped kissing my ass.
he says he put me on a pedstal for years, adn was afraid to ever confront me. when he did, i got upset, adn he gave up. i admit i didnt react very amturley, but he shouldnt have given up on his wants. and so thats his excuse for his selfishness now. that i was always first for 6 years and now he wants to put himself first.

im starting to wonder if hes just thinkign that the way i treated him for years justified his affair adn now we are even. thats the way hes acting when i tell him he should have told me he was thinking about calling her.

he said he didnt cuz hes still scared to talk to me. well i told him if we are working on it, he needs to let the past go and live in the now, just like i did when i let my guard down about him touching me 3 weeks after dday.

im aching, my stomach is bubbling, my head hurts, and i basically feel like i did a few days after dday, he has set me back 6 months with this. the one condition of him getting another chance was that he never talk to her again. feels to me like he threw his chance away.

but im struggling of course cuz i love him...dont want to make a rash decision to move our feeling so sick from emotions...thoughts?? they are probably the same ones youve already given lol (holy crap i just smiled ;o) that felt good!) but at least im getting this out...
 

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Discussion Starter #9
After I sent my NC letter to the OW she came and saw me. God. That was horrible. I had hurt her and she was angry. She was hurting. I thought she was going to hit me (she was a big girl, nearly 6') and I felt I deserved it. But she didn't hit me. :(

Yes, I know that she'd manipulated me into the affair but even so, I felt guilty.
mattmatt, thats exactly what he says. she totally manipulated him, he was so weak. not that that excuses it. but i never let him call her or send her a nc letter. could that be why all this lingered for him adn he felt there was no other way to get rid of the guilt than to try to apologize to her?

still, it doesnt make sense that he didnt even care that she accepted the apology, much less didnt hear it cuz she didnt answer. that i dont get. seems like an empty meaningless apology and how that made him feel better i dont get...was it that he knew he at least tried??

god thank you for responding. you are the first person who i feel like understands my situation.

whay happened to your bs after she came to see you? And your guilt?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Then he was choosing himself above you. Either way, he's not putting you and the relationship first!
about a week ago in MC i brought up the fact that we hadnt had sex in a month. and that he seems to just be pushing me away, and if it keeps up when it comes time to decide to renew our lease or not, we should go our separate ways cuz i deserve better. he mentioned it a few days alter adn said maybe we should move out. i told him we have two months to decide. either he takes a risk and breaks down his wall or he doesnt.

so yea, this am when confronting him about the call to her, yea thats what i told him we need to talk about taking my name off the lease. and all of the sudden he says that when he mentioned moving out a week ago he said it he realized that would ahve been the biggest mistake of his life cuz its not what he wants.

im thinking now other msitakes come way before that one...1) cheating on me 2) calling her 6 months into recovery 3)not talking to me about wanting to call her 4)being so damn passive in our relationship for years, the 5) wanting to move out.

im trying not to make a decision now feeling so bad but i havent felt this sick since the week or two after dday. i feel like until he is ready to put our relationship and my healing first, then im better off walking away from him. its just so hard to decide. im in hell right now.:(
 

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I don't know the whole story but to me it's plainly obvious that your H is still in love with the OW and he is unable to let go. Guilt, manipulation, closure, blah blah blah... He has nearly destroyed his family over her and he's still worried about her feelings and doing shady things behind your back. Why take that chance? Do you all have kids together or something? Is he in love with her but he doesn't want to break up the family because there are children involved? That's what it sounds like. In any event, he is having a touch time letting go of this OW. She has some sort of hold on him and that is NOT a good sign for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
izzie, thats what i said to him. he insists it was for him only. i suppose just like a nc letter would be. just cant get past it myself. he shoulda done this months ago. its such a setback now. i thought i would never feel so bad again and here is am, back at the beginning.

i told him it seems like hes not even bothered by what im saying. he said just because he isnt crying like me doesnt mean hes not hurting. i asked him to leave for a few hours and give me some space and he immediately did. forgot something and texted he was coming back for it, then he would leave, sorry, forgive him...

his actions are just so immature and selfish.
 

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I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and I truly do wish you the best of luck but I think you know what is going on with him and his heart...
 

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I am sorry you are here. Nothing can compare to the pain of infidelity. You say you are in recovery, I'm sorry to disagree. There have been no consqequences for your wayward husband. He is not remorseful. He is concerned about himself and his paramour. He is not putting you first and is making excuses to you. He should be doing evrything possible to win you back. Did you expose the affair to everyone? I think not.

You need to satrt the 180 imediately. I would move on myself.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
i exposed him to his mother and his sister found out through him. he didnt tell his dad. i told him i didnt want him to tell his dad cuz i didnt tell my parents and i dint wnat them to be the only ones in the dark. i ddint tell my parents bc we were trying to R and my parents are really catholic and would never forgive him.

my two sisters know, and their husbands. my two best friends know. well only one is a best friend anymore, the other i felt changed her opinion of me once she found out he was cheating and hasnt asked me how i am since may. so i dont talk to her about much anymore.

im feeling more and more that maybe he wants to R, but cant. and what he needs to do it take care of himself, adn with that if he hurts me he will do it anyway. so i need to take care of myself cuz i cant keep feeling this way. i cant live like this.

i need so much more from him. my healing has ben on hold for 6 months while i tried to be patient with him putting himself first, as the therapist said needed to happen. but she also said its up to me if thats something i can do or not. and in light of this recent call to her, i realize i cant do this.

i lost my job in june cuz i called out too much. which was only three days in 6 months but it was a hospital adn they are strict about it. just got a new job through temp to perm, and i ve bene there 9 weeks. they want to hire me. i can not scerw this up. i ahve to take care of myself. my heart is breaking doing this, i never wanted to walk away.

it feels selfish, just like how im accusing him. but i dont deserve this, and i feel like i have the flu. this aint good. i think i should move out, and if he gets to the point where he can give me all i need, ill consider it, if im still available. cuz i dont think he will b there for a long time. and he may blame me for moving out. but thats not fair.

he doesnt want to take care of me, and he doesnt care if he hurts me if it help him, ive got to go.
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
he did support me through being unemployed for 3 months. he makes very little money and struggled alot. but thats what couples do for each other, right? its just that he called her. i cant get past it.

i jsut found out this morning. im going to take some time, sleep on the couch, before making a final decision. our next MC session is not until next thursday, almost two weeks. i called her to try to get an earlier appt, but thats hard cuz of our work schedules...heres to hoping that comes through....

if nothing else, MC will help us deal with the split as best as possible...
 

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:iagree:

You need to come 1st. before her for sure, but also before anything else in his life. If he can't demonstrate that, he doesn't deserve your trust.

My wife is really having problems with that. She thinks now that we are 5 months past D-day and nearly a year since she said she stopped before I found out, that life should get back to normal.

But no, life never goes back to normal. You can establish a new normal. And it can be happy, but he needs to earn your trust. Otherwise you will be happy with half his stuff in your new life.
im so sorry you are dealing with this crap too. so selfish an immature. these cheaters do not realize the gift they have been given witha second chance, they should cherish it every day for the rest of their life with you. i cant stand it. i hope u have better luck than i am, i really really do.
 

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shaggy, what if he says it wasnt about her? she didnt answer, he didnt leave a message, but he immediately felt better. he said it was for him. he was being selfish and now he feels his wall towards me coming down.
Then, he is lying to you.

How do you know she didn't answer? How do you know he didn't leave a message? How do you know that he wasn't trying to reconnect with her and only let her go because she rejected him?

This is definitely a bad thing. He shouldn't be giving a rat's tail about her and should be devoting his energy to you at this point. Don't let this go without really making an effort to figure out why he has betrayed you a second time?

Ask yourself if you want to be there in case he does this a third time?
 
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he did support me through being unemployed for 3 months. he makes very little money and struggled alot. but thats what couples do for each other, right?
Yes. This isn't a favor he has done for you. As your spouse, he is supposed to pick up the slack when you can't; just as you are supposed to do so for him. You should be able to rely on him without thinking his given you some big gift.

i jsut found out this morning. im going to take some time, sleep on the couch, before making a final decision.
Why are YOU the one sleeping on the couch when he has done the transgressing? If you're not kicking him out for this behavior, then at least kick him out of the bedroom. You're making things way too easy on him. You're sending the message that the problem lies with your objection, not with his breach of your contract. You gave him a chance. Get strong and let him know that you won't tolerate his nonsense.

A man will not be faithful to a woman he does not respect. A man is less likely to respect a woman who doesn't respect herself enough to object when she has been mistreated.
 
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