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Hello,

My husband dropped the bomb 2 days ago that he wants to separate. He said that I shouldn't fight for him and he doesn't see a chance for us to work together again. He packed some stuff and slept at a friend's. After asking how he would define the future (apartment, divorce, finances, etc) he said he didn't think about this yet.

So current status is: we still live together and I assume he will start organising the separation soon.

I, of course, will fight for him but in a clever way (being friendly and polite, supportive, etc - basically following all recommended "how to get him back" principles).
On rule is this no contact rule. But the question is now: do I already follow this while we are still living together (would go to our apartment while he is at work and stay at friend's during the night to avoid him) or am I applying this rule too fast and rather support him in the separation to showcase my respect and love for him and later try to get him back?

Thank you loads for any advice or positive feedback. Some tips and tricks would be highly appreciated. :smile2:
 

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The 180 works better as a way to detach. Generally being nice only drives them away. It is better to be indifferent.


If this happened suddenly, then he is most likely cheating in you. Do aome discreet sleuthing of phone records, texts, email, etc.

And please change your avatar. If that is a pic of you do not use it in the public forums. You should put your pics in your albun and befriend other posters before allowing them to see what you look like. Just for safety sake.
 

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None of that.

My advice is assume he is serious and in the process of seeing a lawyer, making a divorce plan and is getting ready to empty all joint accounts and stick you with the bills.


There my urgent recommendation is that you presume this is for real and find your own lawyer ASAP and begin preparing your own divorce case and do all the necessary steps to ensure you obtain your fair share of the marital assets, property and assets and do not sit back trying to play house while you are being taken to the cleaners.

Stop looking at this as a relationship issue and start looking at it as a very serious financial and legal issue and conduct yourself accordingly.

Protect yourself and your assets first. Think about relationship matters last.


If at some point in this process his girlfriend dumps him and he officially halts the divorce process and comes crawling back begging you to reconcile, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

But in the mean time, assume this is for real and that he is serious and devote all your energies to protecting yourself and your assets.
 

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How to get him back? Toss him in the deep end and see if he swims back to you.

All these cutesy games of yours are not going to work. I recommend you follow oldshirts's advice. Take control of the situation. File for divorce on your terms.

The person who files papers is the one who sets the framework. Any formal separation agreement becomes the divorce agreement unless you pay expensive lawyers to fight it out. The separation needs to be done the way you'd want a divorce to be done in terms of all the finances, custody, who keeps the house, etc. But I recommend bypassing formal separation and move directly to filing divorce. You can always pause or cancel the divorce proceedings later on if you want to.

By filing for divorce you make the consequences of his actions very clear to him. He wants to move out, then he will lose his marriage to you. You will not be sitting on the back burner waiting for him if he eventually decides to come back. He either decides to make a serious strong effort to repair the marriage or he decides to leave for good.

It is total bull**** that he hasn't thought about or pictured the future. He just doesn't want to tell you what it is. Maybe it is with some hot woman he's banging. Maybe it is divorced from you. Whatever it is, he didn't just move out without an idea of what he wants in his future. All of his words tell me he really does want a divorce and he is trying to make it happen with as little conflict as possible.

I doubt he is coming back to you. It is better to find out the truth sooner rather than later, so I would quit with the games and just move forward.
 

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Hello,

My husband dropped the bomb 2 days ago that he wants to separate. He said that I shouldn't fight for him and he doesn't see a chance for us to work together again. He packed some stuff and slept at a friend's. After asking how he would define the future (apartment, divorce, finances, etc) he said he didn't think about this yet.

So current status is: we still live together and I assume he will start organising the separation soon.

I, of course, will fight for him but in a clever way (being friendly and polite, supportive, etc - basically following all recommended "how to get him back" principles).
On rule is this no contact rule. But the question is now: do I already follow this while we are still living together (would go to our apartment while he is at work and stay at friend's during the night to avoid him) or am I applying this rule too fast and rather support him in the separation to showcase my respect and love for him and later try to get him back?

Thank you loads for any advice or positive feedback. Some tips and tricks would be highly appreciated. :smile2:
You contradict yourself. First you say that you will fight for him and be nice to win him back. Then you say that you will go no-contact with him.

Which is it?

You cannot do both at that same time.
 
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