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No anniversary card - loves notes to ex around - help me get a perspective

2046 Views 5 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  This is me
It was our third anniversary yesterday. I got my husband a card & little pressies - he didn't even get me a card! Maybe it doesn't sound a big deal, but I'm so resentful.

He only got me a card our first anniversary; last year our anniversary was spent saying goodbye to our youngest child. She'd been born the week before, I'd had major surgery too, and they couldn't stop me bleeding. So my husband had to look after our 16 month old, as well as arranging the funeral. So neither of us cared.

This year I had hoped it would be 'better'. DH decided to arrange a firework party (only my parents came), and wasted a fortune. As our anniversary falls on bonfire night, there is NO way he forgot it... especially as we talked about it the days before.

Now I feel unvalued. He didn't even arrange something 'special' for the two of us.

His loft is full of soppy anniversary cards to & from his ex wife, which makes me feel even worse,

I am so resentful too. I wrote a thread before about his (adult) son breaking his PC and DH getting a new one for him. Well, DH bought him a second hand one, reconditioned & refurbished it with new hard disk, new OS, downloaded 50 games etc,,, then sent it by courier. His son has now broken this new computer within days, and DH feels compelled to replace this - even though his son won't be able to use a computer after christmas, and we are extremely short of money.

I don't know what I'm asking really - I just feel as if I'm taken for granted - not cherished.

When his son comes to visit DH will take him out for dinner again, yet he never takes me out - and didn't even mark our anniversary.

Sex is rubbish. DH avoided sex with me for 7 months after our daughter died - saying I was a "turn-off". Our bereavement midwife advised counselling, but DH says it's my 'head' that's the problem,

I found out that he'd joined a site for prostitutes, after seeing a 19yr old prostitute on telly - he did what any "red-blooded man" would do, and joined & paid to see her naked. Yet, he will never come to bed with me - saying he wants to chill & watch TV till he's tired, then have sex... so he can devote time & money to a pro, yet a willing wife is 'boring'.

It's got so bad that I now make sure I'm asleep when he comes to bed - I no longer want sex with him, there's too much resentment.

This is too long I know
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Nothing of value to say to you except I am really sorry for the loss of your baby daughter.

I hope others can give you some good advice.
Ugh, I'm sorry to hear all of this.

I see a lot of pain for both of you. Miles of issues that need sorting out.

What is keeping you there?
oh your relationship seems a lot like the relationship i have with my husband (we haven't lost a child though) i am so very sorry to hear that :( but i wish u all the best in the future, i have gone to write a threat many times i get half way through it then get out of it cos i dont know what i wanted outta it by everyone else on here. its confused hey :(
This is a sad situation. Your loss is one every loving couple dreads and Im sure others here will join in with their condolances.

The issue now is you, your husband and your marridge.

Lets take the sad situation first. It could be that he is feeling really bad about the effect of the birth and the medical effect it had and you as well. Remember he was in his head 50% responsible for what happened. He made you pregnant and because of that it made you very ill, indeed maybe life threatening and then he lost his daughter . Men dont supper depression (general male attitude) but they are actually more open to its effects than they realise.
Yes he does need to see a professional if only a berevement councillor and there are loads available. The main charities that do this are great. But its his decision to make that move as force will not work, you can but suggest and suppport.
You need to talk to him openly and both of you need to listen to the other. The issue of loving making turning into just a sex act could be the result of the loss you both have suffered. However, using a phrase like a "turn-off". " to you is completely out of order and so very insensitive and disrespectful to you as a female and more importantly his wife. He needs to know this and it needs to be appologised for.

You are absolutley right - he should not be looking at and payng for sites that encourage sexual diversion especially when there is a loving partner there to share this. It may be that because there is not emotional connection with this site and its female presenters it he feels safe. This will always be a strong connection to his child and it could be he sees it that his EX is a provider and he wants to better it and use this as a symbol of the affection he has for the boy. But you are right here, replacing a expensive item when your family is already suffering finacialy is NOT the right road to follow. The child needs to care for belongings and replacement will/can be seen as a reward for that non caring attitude. It could also be that the computer was broken purposly to get at the father?
The attic full of previous loves letters and cards.... They should have gone by now. Hes holding on to something that isnt there and this is having an effect on you - he needs to know this and accept that if it were reversed would he like it?
Not remembering an annerversery does happen BUT as you said its tied to a national event in the UK calender and therefore, he should not forget. If money is tight there is a still a small card with loving words on that just lets you know its as special to him as you and he needs to know these things. Putting the previous tragedy behind you for a moment, you feel taken for granted? , used, ignored and certainly hurt by his sexual antics. He needs to have this brought home clearly and to the point. If he feels that this marridge is not worth fighting for then you ARE better off away from it as its will be a continuous source of pain to you, and its a pain you do NOT need to endure as. Coucilled together on th state of things is high on the list of "to do's" and he does have to buy in to that IF he wants this marridge to last, if not you will at the very least knwo where you stand and can start to plan for a future. Sadly there are no quick fixes for this one (IMO) I wish that there was a magic tablet that could be offered that makes it all ok. I just hope that a sharpe reality check will make him see that you to are suffering, that you both need to accept and move forward with an attitude that nature is cruel but sometimes there are reasons outside our control and understanding for losses such as yours. Hopefully he will see a loyal wife fighting for him and repsond positively to you.
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I am sorry for your loss. Are you aware that a very high percentage of marriages fail after the loss of a child. The presences of the spouse is a constant reminder of the loss, which takes therapy to correct.

You are clearly building resentment which is poison in a marriage.

Professional help is warranted. I wish you well!
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