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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all, I've been a lurker for awhile but never had any reason to post until now.

My wife and I are both 24 years old. We have been married for a year and a half, together for 5.

First the confession. I was sexually abused as a child. It started when I was 8 years old and continued for 3 or 4 years. The woman who molested me was a close friend of my mothers. I never told anyone, and the fact that I suffered silently tore me up as a matured.

Fast foward to thanksgiving night this past year (Nov. 22, also my 24th birthday) I decided it was time to tell my wife. Her first reaction was disbelief. She asked me why an attractive middle aged woman would do that to an 8 year old? Why didn't I tell anyone? I had several reasons, but pointed to her initial reaction, that if my own wife was skeptical who would take it seriously? She cried all that night and into the next day. She hurt becuase I was hurt and had no one to comfort or protect me. Her reaction was expected at first, but now I don't know what to do.

Since that night she has been distant. We have not had sex, the one time we got close she broke down crying and told me SHE felt dirty. That comment absolutely crushed me. She doesn't hold my hand anymore; we rarely kiss, and when we do it's just a peck. I have tried to talk to her several times, but she shuts down as soon as she starts to cry. She told me she can't look at me the same way, and sometimes feels disgusted to touching me. A few times I have come home from work to find her crying. I figured she needed time to cope, but I don't know if this is normal.

I don't know what to do. I just want to tell her that I had no control over what happened to me and for her to look at me as tainted is unfair, but I also understand she needs to cope with what happened just like I was able to.

Sorry for the length, does anyone have any advice or suggestions?
 

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Counseling.... marriage/group....whatever you can afford. Take what you can use from it, and leave the rest.

I THINK...... that her heart breaks for you.... and it's not that she is turned off, but more like hurting FOR you. You are right, now she needs to learn to cope.

Good luck.
 

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My guess is this is a common reaction. It would be like finding out your spouse was raped and then feeling despite it being out of their control betrayed somehow.

I say this based on her comments. She's struggling with the sexual relationship you had with this OW and can't see past it. Logically she knows you were a child and it wasn't your fault but emotionally all she sees is the intimacy. She can't get it out of her head. Make sense?

What is needed is professional help no doubt about it.
 

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I agree with everyone above

You two need help in processing this information

Have you yourself ever received any counseling to deal with this issue on your own?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the suggestions, there is some good stuff in here.

When I was a teen my youth leader at church, who has known me my entire life recognized some of the effects in my behavior and worked with me for years about the abuse. I never actually told her that I was sexually abused, but she could tell because she was also sexually abused as a child. Because of the many many hours we spent together I have been able to accept, and forgive. So I have not recieved professional help, but was able to cope in my own way. I do feel my wife needs someone besides me to help her process and move forward.

Mavash, I follow your logic, and while it doesn't make sense to me you may to onto something. My wife has had issues with my past relationships before, so you might have hit the nail of the head.

I guess the biggest reason this is bothering me is my wife has always been so open with me. the fact that she refuses to talk about it makes me think she sees something wrong with me. I will try to talk to her again when I get home.

Thanks for the advice.
 
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