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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hard to know where to begin to give you all enough back story. My husband and I have been married now for 1 year. We each have a child. I have a 10 year old daughter and he has a 5 year old son. Sometimes I feel most of our problems all stem from his son. I can get more into that at the end.

My biggest concern is, when we were dating and before he moved in he was semi affectionate with cuddling and such. He would tell me I'm sexy and smack my butt. We had sex like at least once a week, which was fine with me. Its wasn't a lot and come on lets be honest, working and kids it can be hard to get more than that.

The last 6 months or so I have been telling him that I need physical touch. He doesn't put his arm around me. He does kiss me goodbye when he leaves in the mornings. He doesn't hold my hand or text me sweet things anymore. He NEVER tells me I'm beautiful. And we NEVER have sex. I have had some medical issues that has caused me to gain about 10 lbs since we have been together. He says its not that. The other night I tried to initiate sex and he turned me down. He has never turned me down. Even if I woke him up at 12am or 2am and he had to be up at 5.

This devastated me. It would be one thing if he showed me love in SOME other way. But he doesn't and then he turned down sex.

When I text him anymore, more often than not he doesn't read them or reply. I read the 5 love languages and told him that I need physical touch. I suggested he read it too. Well listen to it. I got it on audio. He still to this day 6 months later has yet to listen to it.

I sometimes get to breaking points of just balling my eyes out for a day or two. He says hes sorry and will try harder to be more affectionate. Nothing ever changes. I know his brothers are kind of the same way. I dont know their sex lives but I do know one of the wives said her husband isn't physically affectionate but he is verbally affectionate. I would even settle for that. I see his dad posting things on FB about his mom and what a wonderful lady she is and how much he loves her. I would post something on FB about my husband and he doen't even post a comment back even.

Ok so, I was raised with a no talking back, no non-sense type of mother. I am the same. I am happy to say I dont have behavioral problems with my daughter. She does everything I ask of her without complaint. Even if she doesn't want to do it. She is polite and sweet and would never do anything to hurt someones feelings. Now my husbands son from day one had NO discipline from his father or his mother. When I came along his son was so out of hand it wasn't funny. So My husband asked for my help and opinions on how to discipline his son. His son had gotten better. But he still throws huge temper tantrums when he has to clean up his messes or well when you tell him what to do at any moment. He destroys things on purpose knowing you told him not to. He has kicked both the dogs several times after repeatedly being told not to. He screams in my daughters ears, I am constantly hearing my daughter say "please stop, please stop, please stop" he doesn't STOP. He cant sit still. He yells and argues with you. Yet my husband doesn't follow thru with punishments. Then since his son is so difficult its like he resents my daughter for being good and trys to find ANY LITTLE thing she is doing thats not right. For instance one day the kids were on the trampoline and had a rope low to the ground and they were jumping over it. His son kept raising it as they would jump making them trip. My daughter kept looking over at me like "can you please tell him to stop?" but my husband looks at me annoyed and is like "Look, do you see how she is being?" he gets mad if my daughter is annoyed with his son. She is 10 and he is 5. I remember my sister being annoyed with me and we were only 3 years apart. He also gets mad because he thinks everything should be the same. BUT it can't be. I had the same age appropriate rules for my daughter at that age. And he expects if my daughter has a friend over that they always have to include his son. That's not fair and now my daughters best friend wont come over due to that.

I guess I am just stuck. I've asked him if he isn't attracted to me anymore, if its my weight. (I've been trying so hard to lose the weight) Is he exhausted from work, is he stressed about his son. I just dont know if I can live like this forever. Constantly fighting about his sons discipline and never getting any affection or sex. :crying:
 

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I had a husband who was a bit like yours in the no affection department. I am sad to say I never found the magic formula to fix that.

As for his son, I expected to read typical blended family stuff, but the aggressiveness and cruelty to your pets alarmed me. Has he ever been evaluated for anything like Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
 

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You will get a lot of good advice coming up I'm sure so I will keep my bit short and sweet. Lack of sex or affection can be a cause of ill will or the result of ill will. Or it could be both or a cycle.

It appears that the lack of sex in this case is a result. You pretty much spelled out the stress that is going on in both of your lives right now with the son. I mean it could be a million other things but the drama with the son seems to be a mood killer right now. I would recommend counseling in terms of marriage counseling for the both of you and really, it sounds like the son needs IC.
 

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What a heartbreaking story. Whatever brought you together to the point of marriage isn't there anymore. If you've only been married 1 year, there's not much of a connection where he would make major changes to save things. I think you know this already, but things are not likely to turn around.

In the short term, I think you can put your foot down and say that either he shapes up or you'll leave. Things like that often work for a short while, but within a few weeks things often go back to the way they were. For a long-term solution, he will have to take the situation to heart and self-motivate himself to be better. So be direct with him, but also be realistic that if things keep getting bad, it's not going to get better. Realize you may have to end things if you aren't happy in this relationship.
 

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How long did you date your husband before you got married? Was his son’s behavior an issue then too? The cruelty to animals is a huge reg flag and someone needs to get the boy into some sort of counseling. Frankly your day to day live doesn’t sound too hot and you need to think about the well-being of your daughter living in such turmoil.

You marriage right now sound like a time bomb waiting to explode. If you feel there is anything worth saving you all need to go into family counseling right away. This poor boy obviously did not take the break down of his parents relationship well and is crying out for help. I have to agree that the lack of sex is probably from stress as your husband does not seem to be handling the difficulties of a blended family as well. It’s not easy to do and it’s not for everyone.
 

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Dear Blueiangel,

I believe there is more below the surface of your husband’s attitude. I believe your next step is to encourage him to participate with you in marriage counseling. In most marriages, developing methods of positive communication becomes a necessary ingredient for survival. I hope I’m reading the situation correctly; your marriage consists of blended families. If so, you and your husband might have problems in navigating through blended family issues. You will need to find a counselor who specializes in this area.

Best,
Dreamer
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I had a husband who was a bit like yours in the no affection department. I am sad to say I never found the magic formula to fix that.

As for his son, I expected to read typical blended family stuff, but the aggressiveness and cruelty to your pets alarmed me. Has he ever been evaluated for anything like Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
I have never even heard of ODD. I will have to look that up. We are in the middle of having him evaluated but its really expensive and we are only half way through. I thought he had ADHD and slight Autism. But again, I cant bring up those things to my husband. They have to be his idea or he thinks I am picking on his son.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I'm trying to convince my husband to get marriage counseling with me. It would be a last ditch effort to save our marriage. Its a very hard thing to come to terms with. I've been married before and that ended due to his infidelity. I never wanted to divorce again.

To answer some questions, we were together 1 1/2 years prior. Yes, his son's behavior was an issue before. Always has been. Problem is, they only moved in with us after we got married. all this came about when we had to deal with his behavior on a daily basis. In the beginning my husband was all on board with discipline. But it is the follow through that he cant do. He threatens but no action. And that upsets my daughter as she sees his son get away with things she would never be allowed to and I'm afraid she will get to the point of "whats the point in being good when he gets the same rewards that I do?"
 

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It sounds like you have chosen to be with a man who doesn't like you very much if at all.

Why do you settle for this?

If I were you I would dump him and endeavour not to settle for similar lesser men and relationships in the future.
 

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And that upsets my daughter as she sees his son get away with things she would never be allowed to and I'm afraid she will get to the point of "whats the point in being good when he gets the same rewards that I do?"
This concern cannot be understated, especially as your daughter gets into middle school. As any parent knows, there are lots of behavioral and emotional issues that crop up after a kid is 12 or 13. If you think your daughter is having a tough time now, just wait a couple of years. Even in the most perfect households, daughters have a tough time at that age. Be sure to give your daughter lots of extra support and attention so she isn't negatively affected by all this.
 

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This concern cannot be understated, especially as your daughter gets into middle school. As any parent knows, there are lots of behavioral and emotional issues that crop up after a kid is 12 or 13. If you think your daughter is having a tough time now, just wait a couple of years. Even in the most perfect households, daughters have a tough time at that age. Be sure to give your daughter lots of extra support and attention so she isn't negatively affected by all this.


That doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. It sounds like she would be over compensating out of guilt for a bad situation. I would be leaning more towards getting my daughter out of an unhealthy environment.


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It sounds like you have chosen to be with a man who doesn't like you very much if at all.

Why do you settle for this?

If I were you I would dump him and endeavour not to settle for similar lesser men and relationships in the future.
Totally agree on this one. I'm sorry OP, but he just doesn't like you very much. It's just that simple. If he feels this way after one year of marriage you're in big trouble. You can try counseling and all that, but I don't know if you're going to have enough of the necessary raw materials in a relationship to work with. To create a sculpture you need something to sculpt. It doesn't sound like it's there. I'm sorry.
 

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This situation sounds extremely unfair to your daughter. Honestly I think she should be your #1 priority, and not this new love interest (in the grand scheme of things 2.5 years is simply a blip, I have jeans twice as old as that).

Take a look at the big picture. What would be best for her? What would be best for you?

You aren't even happy in this relationship, that isn't going to be modeling well for your daughter either.

Don't throw good money after bad, I personally would recommend cutting your losses before more damage is done.
 

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Sorry your love life is blah, however, please do NOT compare children. He is stressed with his son. Try to discuss what to do in a mutually supportive fashion. I had a step son who was tough- ever have a 6-5 270 pound teen have a temper tandrum. However, I showed love throughout, we had challenging times, and he now has a quite prestigious job and has interacted with some of the most well-known celebrities in his position. Some kids are crazy some not but everyone deserved love.
 

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That doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. It sounds like she would be over compensating out of guilt for a bad situation. I would be leaning more towards getting my daughter out of an unhealthy environment.
Both things should be happening: Getting her in a healthy situation (whether by leaving or fixing things) and making sure she is well supported through this trying time. No matter which path is taken, both paths will be stressful.
 

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Women often get a bad rap for being with men that they don't really love and are not attracted to for the other benefits of marriage such as financial support and security and roof over their head etc.

But the truth is some single fathers do the exact same thing in order to have a baby sitter and surrogate mother in the house to manage their offspring.

This is where the evil step mother architype from childhood fairy tales come from.

I suspect he is an inept father that is not really into parenting and so he found someone he thought looked like good mother material that liked him so he got her to help manage his disordered and undisciplined son.

You are a child care and management appliance to him.

I think your choice here is very simple - is your and your daughter's lives better with them or better off on your own?
 

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Be grateful that you only invested 2.5 years in this relationship. Next time, please don't settle until you and your partner are compatible in areas that are important to you and your 10 year old. This guy was a terrible match. You saw the red flags and ignored them. Live and learn so you don't make the same mistakes in the future.

Don't waste anymore time. It will not get better. Cut your losses yesterday.
 
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